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Been RP for years but I finally need help with one.

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September 22, 2016
10 upvotes

I'm 39, been married for 5 years, really good captain / first mate relationship, together 8 years. Sex often 3-4 times a week all of that is good. I am the breadwinner in the house 6 figures, 3 promotions in 3 years with another on the horizon next year, been with the company for 4 years. Have two great kids boy and a girl 1 and 4.

So here's the problem my wife is ten years younger than me so her dad is pretty young just turned 50, well he just got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and it's everywhere and it doesn't look good. We moved 10 hours away for my job to where I'm from originally on the east coast. We have been discussing moving back next year already once I hit my 5 years and get a guaranteed pension as I have family there as well and honestly prefer the pace down south. Well I can see she wants to go back, hasn't begged me or pleaded but she's banged up over it. We don't know how long he has, they say with chemo he may have 2 years but you never really know and the guy is a trainwreck, 2.5 pack a day smoker with nothing but a diet of Mt. Dew and McDonalds we're talking uber lifestyle change I don't really know that he can make.

So basically guys I know the request to move sooner is coming, I'm flying her down there and keeping a kid and sending a kid for a couple weeks, we just took a trip when we found out a month ago. I can't see how I can just quit such a good job that I enjoy for a company that loves me but at the same time how can I let her sit 10 hours away and have her resent me for it. Could use some opinions here. Thanks.

Edit: Thanks for the input everyone, I'm just going to continue with the way we are going, I kind of new it was the best path all along but I've always found it's best to look at all angles before making a big decision and knew everyone here shoots pretty straight. Thanks again.


Post Information
Title Been RP for years but I finally need help with one.
Author p3p3_silvia
Upvotes 10
Comments 14
Date 22 September 2016 05:24 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207066
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/54036g/been_rp_for_years_but_i_finally_need_help_with_one/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get your pension.

Don't trade the future of your family's life for the end of someone else's.

I'd certainly allow for a lot of travel. And maybe if it looks really bad, plan on her being gone for the last month.

If he manages to make it to year 5 then I'd maybe look to move there if it's good for your family.

And regardless of diet or habits, if he's a man of salt, he'd want his grandkids' future to be of utmost importance as well.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Are you kidding me ? A little beta with a lot of alpha ......., WISNIFG read

Remember this- he made his choices. Send her regularly with it without kids. Keep them in s schedule. That is imperative. You are making a lot of money. Save as much as you can. What do you do ? Whatever it is there are headhunters looking to put you into a position with your exact qualifications. Do not make lateral move. Move up. Not down.

She has not asked. So do not offer. You are the captain.

I will tell you, the nuclear family is absolutely most important to be solid and those kids need a consistent schedule.

Been there done it fucked up had to rebuild my wage earnings in a while new career. It has been a fuckimg nightmare.

[–]onmyownpath3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with this completely. She needs to make regular trips and more frequent as her father's health declines. Even staying a month at a time if needed. Kids can go back and forth also.

You should absolutely not give up your career for this.

If I were you, I would bring it up now and suggest her going as often as she wants with and without the kids.

If the desire is building to move, you can cut it off before she decides and there is a major issue she will eventually resent you for.

I would never even mention moving or act as if it is in the universe of possibility. Instead, jump in and tell her to go visit him more and more as he goes through his treatment. She will respect you giving her a direction to follow.

[–]anythingincRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mine isn't red pill at all but this it, and I like it.

I mention she's cognizant of the cost/benefits, but apparently:

I can see she wants to go back, hasn't begged me or pleaded but she's banged up over it.

Be the man and make the decision for your family and own it. Take that weight off her shoulders, assume she doesn't want it and some of this anxiety is due to the uncertainty of the current situation.

[–]anythingincRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Median survival is 2 years, 90% are dead in 5 years.

We have been discussing moving back next year already once I hit my 5 years and get a guaranteed pension.

well then...

I'm flying her down there and keeping a kid and sending a kid for a couple weeks, we just took a trip when we found out a month ago. I can't see how I can just quit such a good job that I enjoy for a company that loves me but at the same time how can I let her sit 10 hours away and have her resent me for it.

You're living the solution. Cancer sucks, it is hard and strains families. Sounds like you're doing the best thing. Taking care of your family, and letting your wife do some hospice care for her dad, you and the kids being there as often as possible. Hopefully he makes it until next year (4 months?) when you had originally planned on moving back. If he died next week would you still move next year?

Well I can see she wants to go back, hasn't begged me or pleaded but she's banged up over it

She knows that it is silly to leave your six figure job and her family face hardship and uncertainty to immediately move back to watch her dad die somewhere between tomorrow and five years from now when you planned on moving next year anyway. She is dealing with knowing that, with all this hardship, comfort her and let her know you appreciate her, be strong for her, she's having to be strong for her dad. She's cognizant of the cost/benefit and is making the right choice, and not actively trying to make you make a different decision. Give her some credit.

let her sit 10 hours away and have her resent me for it.

Until otherwise stated, you have to assume she is not resentful of YOU, but the situation sucks, and she's taking it well so far it seems. Your job enables her to sit anywhere. Ya know what people under 100K do when a parent is slowing dying across country? Go to the funeral, if they can afford it. Like I said, she's cognizant of all this until stated otherwise.

Have two great kids boy and a girl 1 and 4.

The kids don't need to be there. They need to meet him, know he was alive, maybe the 4 year can make a memory or two, but granddad is likely just gonna be another "I was really young when he died, I don't really remember him..." And that is okay man. That's how it is, people's grandparents died when they were young. They need to have consistency, and stability, not watch their mom cry over her dad in a hospital or live in a stranger's house. If you can, I would try to manage both of them alone while she is back and forth. You're home, she is away.

This isn't even red pill advice, this is just life, any cancer forum would say the same.

[–]enfier1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don't know for sure that she wants to move back. She may actually prefer that she doesn't have to deal with that reality day in and day out. Beyond that, you've also got to consider what is overall the best for your family. Is it mentally healthy for your wife to be looking at her dying father every day, or would it be better for her to spend some time there and some time back home? If you live 10 hours away, no one can fault her for spending time at home, but if you live next door, escaping for a week might seem selfish.

Your wife no doubt has complicated feelings about her father's illness. I would not ask if she wants to move back, because if she says no, then she'll feel guilty about her decision. It's better for you to consider the situation and her desires and make a fair and compassionate choice.

My wife has lost two grandparents since we've been married and she didn't want to go see either on their deathbed. From what I gather, neither were in any condition to recognize her and she preferred not to see it.

[–]freshona0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like someone might be upset when you do something. Tough cookie...

You already know what you're going to do, so do it. Now you're just hamstering, but to what end, I have no idea.

[–]ClubLowlow0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Since you're wanting to move there anyway, my plan is that you should by a house there and move the wife and kids there, but keep working at the current job. Go visit them as many weekends as you can. If you don't have the finances to own 2 homes, sell your current home and live in a smaller home, a trailer park, out of a small RV, or out of a car taking showers at the gym, as necessary. Make that work for the year until you get your pension and then you can move back home and you've already got your place set up.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Move her until this is over and you stay at your job unless you can do equally well if you move. Keep the kids with you most of the time.m the rapid decline is not something they should see routinely. She won't judge you on how supportive you are so much as your ability to keep the home fort and cash flowing. If you give that up for emotional support you have an awful frivorce in your future because your FIL is toast. When he goes, you had better have the family structure and your income intact.

Tldr: Be the oak.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It will be hard but in the end you need to do what is best for YOU, and you alone.

That being said, you obviously don't want to be an asshole and keep her away from her dying father. Does she have any family she can stay with for a short to medium time frame? Would it be possible to find her temporary housing, like a short term lease on an apartment for an upfront cost when her dad is in his final months?

It seems like you think it is best to stay at your current job and state, for whatever reasons you have. I'm sure you already know this, but if you decide to leave your job, move your family, her dad dies, and all of a sudden your new job and life fall through the cracks, she will be gone. She won't think back at how you sacrificed for her to be with her dad, she will just think you're a loser who screwed up your life.

So, imo, do what's best for you first and foremost and offer as much support to her as you can without jeopardizing your future.



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