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FR: Shit tested about how I've been handling her shit tests :)

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September 20, 2016
8 upvotes

TLDR: Shit tested about my handling of shit tests, decide not STFU this time and test my frame

Status: 34, married 7 years, together 13, two kids; 5 weeks unplugged. Lifting. Dread level 1 and 2 in progress. My SMV is slightly higher than hers. Sex is 1-2 times a week or so (which is actually a bit lower since I unplugged), almost always starfish/duty.

Why? I wrote this primarily for myself so I could better reflect on this test, but figured I'd share it as a FR because 1) I like reading FRs from others 2) maybe others might find it helpful and 3) maybe you have some advice for me.

~

After she put the kids to bed, she said she wanted to talk. Okay, I said, and waited for her to join me in the guest room.

She started with several accusations:

  1. I've been too bossy and controlling lately

What spawned this shit test was how I told her it was her turn to put the kids to bed "instead of asking if she would do it." (The horror!) You see, the night before she had planned a movie night out with the girls without really discussing it with and this would require me to do bedtime alone—something we normally do together. I was fine with this, though would have appreciated a heads up that she was planning a night out that require me to handle bedtime. (I expressed none of this rationale to her. I only include here for context.)

As much as I wanted to STFU to this test, I felt like we needed to at least have some discussion—hopefully without me falling into her frame on it. (I've been doing so much STFU lately, I really felt the need to put my ability to communicate in frame during shit tests to the test, even if it meant failing.) So instead of DEERing like I normally would have done, I relented and probed a bit, mostly by FOGGING and negative inquiry. "Yes, I have been taking more control in situations than normal lately," I told her. "What situations did you find me too controlling?" Beyond the aforementioned bedtime event she brought up two others that I had already been shit tested on in the past, digging up old bones. She also threw out that I had been making all of the dinners lately. I laughed these off, telling her we'd already talked through these before in the past, and asked her if she had a problem with me handling dinner. (Of course not.) This all set her into the next accusation:

  1. [These are direct quotes:] I'm a jerk, she doesn't like who I've become; ever since reading that book* (NMMNG) I had changed; etc. Once she went with these accusations, the shit test became easier for me, and I credit WISNIFG for giving me the tools necessary to make it through with my dignity.

( I am probably in the minority here but I stumbled on to NMMNG without being aware of RP or MRP or anything else in this world, so I heeded Glover's advice to share your journey out of Nice Guy world with those that are close to you to ease the transition…which needless to say I now regret. C'est la vie.*)

Each accusation she puked out I simply responded with "OK" and a (forced, probably unhelpful) wry smile, which only got her emotions spinning even more. I increased my smile and laughed a bit to some of her accusations, which set her off even more. I put my hand on her knee, smiling, and told her we should change the subject to calm down a bit and she VERY. STERNLY. TOLD. ME. NOT. TO. TOUCH. HER. "Woah, okay hun," I told her with more smiles in a tone I often use with my daughter, "I didn't know you were so upset."

When she couldn't take this much anymore [NOTE: I don't really know if I was effective in using STFU or AM in the situation.] she ratcheted it up a bit and said that "I don't care about her feeling's and that "I am a shitty husband." I told her I acknowledged her thoughts and feelings and that I am not discrediting them, but they are her feelings, not mine, and I disagreed with her judgement. I do care about your feelings, I said, and I am not a shitty husband. Both of which are true—and not just my opinion, but hers too. I know she doesn't really think that way, but she gets herself so worked up she can't control what she says.

In the past, this would have been a complete mess of a blowout fight due to my response, but this time around I kept my cool and calmly told her she was entitled to her own thoughts and opinions, but they are hers, not mine, and that I was entitled to disagree, which I did, and that if I am such a shitty husband who doesn't care about her feelings that seems like a pretty bad situation for her to be in and she should think hard about what she wanted in life.

I veered a little bit into the territory of talking too much here, telling her I wasn't responsible for her emotions and that if she senses a change in me it's because I am standing up for myself instead of rolling over and promising to change and begging forgiveness in order to avoid confrontation and her emotions when she shits all over me with accusations. But in retrospect I don't think it was overboard and don't regret it.

The conversation continued on in a very similar manner for a few minutes longer with a few more jabs from her (we need to see a therapist; me: no thanks) but ended with us needing to go back downstairs as we were visiting friends and it was our last night in town. We went downstairs and, with both of us sitting together on the couch, I jumped right back into conversations with friends, being fun and lively and not carrying any of the baggage of the interaction from a few minutes earlier. This, I think, was a pivotal moment in the night as my ability to carry on as if it hadn't happened reinforced the frame I was struggling to stay in during the interaction. After a few minutes, she started with some kino IOIs, touching my arm, putting her feet on my lap, etc.

We went up to bed not too long after and as we were laying down drifting off to sleep, she apologized for her blow up, and essentially took back all of the negative dumping she did on me earlier—she said she knows I care about her, knows I am not a shitty husband, etc. but she just gets upset and lets the emotions get the best of her. "Yeah, no shit," I responded with a genuine laugh and we fell asleep in a good place.

Reflecting on this interaction the day after, I think I did okay. I am glad I did not STFU as it gave me an opportunity to road test my frame during a pretty intense shit test, and I feel like it wasn't a failure. If I focus on how she acted instead of what she said (with the IOIs), it seems mostly like a success, though I am sure this is a shit test I will continue to get for some time so I should get used to it.


Post Information
Title FR: Shit tested about how I've been handling her shit tests :)
Author 2ndal
Upvotes 8
Comments 15
Date 20 September 2016 09:41 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207078
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/53pt4f/fr_shit_tested_about_how_ive_been_handling_her/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGframekinosexual market valueshit testliftfield reportcloseNMMNG
Comments

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

Did this seem like a man in control of his frame? Or one who was in her frame, placating a temper tantrum over wanting a GNO instead of taking care of the kids?

Lot of threats on her part, lot of dancing on yours.

Occasionally, it's not the worst thing in the world to show the bear has claws

[–]2ndalRed Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

I think I swerved in and out of frames, honestly. At times I felt in control, other times I felt like I was in her frame. What's interesting is when I felt out of my own frame, she was much more out of control with her emotions. When I was in frame, she was much more relaxed and less emotional. This fluctuated a few times back and forth throughout the interaction.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

Don't deer me, I ain't your wife. Is this shit supposed to happen? Then why are you placating her getting drunk with the girls without passing on logistics?

I get its progress, but this sounds like a man being a better beta, not a man in control...

Jack ten had some bullshit about three scenarios, this is almost a two

[–]2ndalRed Beret[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Don't deer me, I ain't your wife.

I was just answering your question, but okay. Got it.

I agree, not fully in control here. But yes! Progress.

(For the lazy: The Three Dysfunctional Captains and First Officers of Married TRP)

Edit: Yes, very much "The Captain and the Constantly Complaining Passenger"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

And you did it again

[–]bourbonhipster1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

such a vicious cycle :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This only sticks through repitition. Owing, mundane repitition.

He explained his everything, it's clearly a hard habit to break. His frame didn't crumble on a little poke, so he's not bad.

[–]BetaInBag_BagInRiver0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for linking the three scenarios. I need that read tonight.

[–]BetaInBag_BagInRiver1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for mentioning the 3 scenarios. I came across them once before, but had forgotten about them. Im certainly 2.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I like this field report. You definitely fucked up in some places imo, but you went balls out in others and just rolled the dice. The main RP sub talks a lot about always be approaching and closing when meeting girls, even if you only close 1 out of 10. For married guys or guys on LTR's it's different but I think the equivalent is to always be challenging her. Shutting the fuck up is great early on because it's a simple first step that shows her you don't care enough to respond, but sooner or later you need to get the balls to fuck with her and roll the dice and hope you can handle the impending shit. You handled it good, not great, but I respect your desire to go for it and see what happens. Confronting a shit test head on and owning it is always better than just staying quiet, and you can only learn how to own it by going for it and fucking up a few times. It's better to be an asshole than a pussy.

I think you fucked up when you asked her why she thought you were controlling. Why the fuck do you care? Of course your controlling, you're the man, you're smart and logical and on top of your shit (hopefully). She knows that and doesn't want you to apologize. At that point you showed a beta weakness by seeking her validation and she jumped on it with 2 bonus shit tests. Passing 1 shit tests or 3 is the same in her mind, you're only making it harder for you. She will never answer a question like that honestly and with self awareness, so why even ask?

I liked the part where she was pissed off enough to completely shut you down when you touched her. Anyone else would call you a mean asshole, but here in the real world it's good to be able to get those kinds of emotions out of her. Emotions turn women on, whether they're angry, sad, awkward, happy or whatever, if you know how to handle her on an emotional high you can translate it into horniness. I think you did alright here, maybe try to be a little more cocky next time. Lean back and say some funny shit instead of backing up and semi apologizing. When I read that line though I didn't think you fucked up, I thought you were able to get her into a heightened emotional state, now hopefully you can use it to your benefit. It's a good thing.

Either way, nice report, and for fucks sake stop explaining your behavior as the result of some book you read. This is your real personality, you didn't get it from a book, or a website, or a telegram or whatever. That's the part you need to STFU on. Keep up the good work.

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

VERY. STERNLY. TOLD. ME. NOT. TO. TOUCH. HER

I would have said okay, stood up, gotten dressed up more, and walked out of the house.

Even when my wife is at her shit testiest or angriest (so rare these days) pulling her close, hugging, kissing, etc. calms her down.

A woman that protects her body from her husband like that doesn't respect her husband and isn't attracted to him, no matter how angry. This, right here, is a red flag, from my POV.

Now it seemed to work out for you, but I would have established that boundary quickly.

However, you didn't mention the friends until later in the story, so I would amend my reaction to, stand up, leave and go downstairs with the friends. Depending on how she acts the rest of night determines whether I leave after the friends.

[–]2ndalRed Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A woman that protects her body from her husband like that doesn't respect her husband and isn't attracted to him, no matter how angry. This, right here, is a red flag, from my POV.

You're absolutely right. I have a follow up to this FR—another, more severe shit test last night—and if before I was 75% sure that she does't respect me and isn't attracted to me, I am now 100% sure. After feeling pretty good about the results I laid out in this FR, my first big step backwards in the five weeks I've been doing this happened last night and it was a humbling experience. I still have a LONG way to go on this journey and it is going to be very difficult. But I have never really grokked AWALT until last night. So much so, in fact, that I sat back laughing at myself at how fucking textbook her actions were. Maybe I'll write up another FR...

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Not bad.

It is a pitty about the book but you came round here in a roundabout way, and you are owning it.

You will find in future that arguments become less. You will shut down senseless arguments she tries to initiate. This will become the norm.

The clincher for me is that even after the shit test, both of you got over it and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I know in my blueballed bluepill past an argument like this one would be the foundation of a crappy evening/ruined weekend. Now we have a disagreement (NOTE: Not an argument) and then carry on as per normal.

[–]red_blue_and_hot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When little kids fall down, they tend to look up at Mommy and Daddy to see how to respond. If the parents come running over hysterical or even concerned, the kid starts balling. If the parents act like it's no big deal, usually the kid is up and playing happy within a minute or two.

Seems like the same sort of thing happened here. She got riled up, and afterwards he was able to talk with friends like nothing bad happened. So, in her mind, nothing bad happened, so why did she get so riled up? Led to the apology afterwards.

The core of frame, basically. If she's burning with bad emotions, the last thing you want to do is to add fuel on that fire. So, while still being there, you have to avoid getting engulfed in the flames (STFU, fogging), and even douse them (AM, A&A).

[–]trp_dude0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not bad. Your wife's reaction means things are going in the right direction. Keep it up, and continue to lift. I don't think it matters at this point whether you do a perfect job on the shit tests. It is just practice at this point. It is practice sparring.

In a few months, when your smv is higher, her demeanor will completely change.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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