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More Death on the Horizon

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August 25, 2016
8 upvotes

TLDR – MRP progress, RP father was estranged but repaired last 2 years, he is dying from cancer, asking advice on how best to continue being the Captain while dealing with crushing grief.

3.5 months into RP, working SL 5X5, 200 down to 178, finally squatting my own body weight, read NMMNG, Rational Male, WISNIFG and working through MMSLP.

I am looking for advice on how best to show/share grief from a RP perspective. I found out this morning that my father is in the last stages of fighting cancer. He was a great example of RP most of his life. He was military and spent lots of time blowing VC to hell with a Special Forces helicopter squadron in Vietnam. I followed him into the USAF and we shared several similar experiences.

Growing up, I always saw him as distant. Mom spent lots of time trying to “raise us right” so that we didn’t’ exhibit similar characteristics to my Dad. It drove a wedge, to a degree, between Dad and I for a lot of years. It is only within the last 2 years that I have grown really close to my Dad and he opened up to me about where he was at and why there was the distance when I was growing up. It was a very different story than the one I got from my Mom.

It came at a good time in my life and has helped me on my own RP journey. Now that I am about to lose him, I am really struggling.

When I got married, I thought it was to a partner and friend. I know understand that my wife is not my friend like I need. I feel a lot of temptation to just let it all out to her along with the tears of anger at my Mom, my pain and ultimately my grief at losing my Dad. Something tells me that this emotional release will be a mistake. I have been making steady progress and don’t want to give that up, but God, this really hurts. When he goes, any ideas on how to handle the crushing grief without giving up the Captainship?


Post Information
Title More Death on the Horizon
Author RecoveringBPAddict
Upvotes 8
Comments 15
Date 25 August 2016 07:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207187
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4zki9i/more_death_on_the_horizon/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Now that I am about to lose him, I am really struggling.

You never had him though. Be glad you have the opportunity to look in his mind and use his stories to remove the preconceived notions of who you thought he was. This is a time for joy, not sadness.

If you are sad now, then you are going to suffer twice.

Once on the lead up to his death

Again on his death.

Why not focus on enjoying and embracing the now and when he does pass, which he will, do not be like those who wish for another moment, cherish the moments you did have and be glad they occurred. Allow yourself one day of grieving, then move on with your life, improved because of this experience.

I know understand that my wife is not my friend like I need. I feel a lot of temptation to just let it all out to her along with the tears of anger at my Mom, my pain and ultimately my grief at losing my Dad. Something tells me that this emotional release will be a mistake.

Your tears are for your bros, your beer, and your dog. If you don't have those, then come to MRP. I will listen as will all of your other internet bros.

It's not your mothers fault she did not understand your masculine father, do you think your wife truly understands you? Of course not, she's a woman.

Something I'd like you to try and take from this is, your mother did not understand your warrior father and therefore was unable to relay his mission and focus to his kids.

Think of the movie 300, Leonidas' wife doesn't comprehend the full scope of him departing, but she knew he was following his mission.

Relay that to your wife. She may never comprehend your reasoning, but she'll know that you're a warrior who follows his mission and if you were to die or become estranged for whatever reason, she would relay that to your kid/s if you have them.

I know too many vets who are alone and misunderstood and I have had to fill the role of 'translator' between my messed up brothers and their spouses, it isn't pretty and it isn't fun because those fucking battle hardened men are so fucking emotionally twisted they can't get it out and explain that all they want is to be ok.

Your moments in the now need to be enjoyed, even his smell, breathing, voice, etc. Cherish each as they may be the last, when they are gone, be glad you had them and don't cry, but smile at finally understanding the warrior who gave you life.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I really appreciate everything you said. This RP growth is hard. Strengthen myself is hard. Learning how to accurately relate to my wife/women is not at all what I was taught and it is hard, but this is the point right?

On my last deployment to the middle east, there was a concrete wall that was built in sections. Years ago, someone had painted flames and skulls with the words "Sucks less tomorrow" across the top. I walked by that everyday and it always made me smile. It was fucking 122 degrees and I found a way to smile in the suck. I need to find this same attitude and apply it here, as hard as that will be.

Your tears are for your bros, your beer, and your dog. If you don't have those, then come to MRP. I will listen as will all of your other internet bros.

It's not your mothers fault she did not understand your masculine father, do you think your wife truly understands you? Of course not, she's a woman.

This is perhaps the most meaningful thing you shared. It is not what I have done, but it is what I need to learn to do. Thanks for this. I will figure it out.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Similar to your Suck Less tomorrow I had built a sign for my shop on deployment that said, Set The Bar and it was our ethos to set the bar from which everyone else would be measured in all aspects of our performance.

Your ability to control your emotions and have a posture of energy and confidence will set a bar from which everyone else will measure themselves.

you have the opportunity to change the entire experience of the passing of your father. Instead of it being a negative, sad, dark cloud in everyone's heart you can change it to a moment of praise, joy, and a reminder that not a single breath should be taken for granted.

If you speak, you have the opportunity to show emotion in a masculine way. More importantly, in a genuine way. The truth is what more people in the world need.

You can tell people how you were estranged, that you never understood him, and that as you did you came to appreciate his guidance and gain insight on yourself.

You can be the creator of a ripple effect which has a lasting impact on hundreds simply by getting a few people to stop taking their lives for granted.

You set that bar of Sucking Less and I guarantee you others will follow. They may never tell you, but by being that masculine figure, their actions and behavior will improve. their outlook on life will improve, and in turn, your standard of 'self' will improve.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You set that bar of Sucking Less and I guarantee you others will follow. They may never tell you, but by being that masculine figure, their actions and behavior will improve. their outlook on life will improve, and in turn, your standard of 'self' will improve.

This is real Gold! Thanks!

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Being sad about your father's death won't make your wife divorce you. Turning into a helpless bitch will. It's ok to be sad sometimes, just be sad like a man. Shedding a tear in front of your wife over this won't be the end of the world. I think this is one of the few times it's allowed. Like a warrior mourning the loss of another warrior. Just don't collapse in her arms sobbing like a baby. If you really need to let it out, grab a drink with a good friend, or get in touch with one of his old squadron buddies, or visit a VFW and vent it out there.

No one has the perfect childhood or the perfect parents. Be greatful for the valuable lessons he was able to teach you. Many guys never get that. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed just realize that life goes on. Imagine what your old man would want to see if he looks down on you from that great attack chopper in the sky. He'd want you to be a strong stoic man, not some helpless crying manchild.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you find yourself getting overwhelmed just realize that life goes on. Imagine what your old man would want to see if he looks down on you from that great attack chopper in the sky. He'd want you to be a strong stoic man, not some helpless crying manchild.

This is good imagery! I like this idea. I need to get to this point.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When he goes, any ideas on how to handle the crushing grief without giving up the Captainship?

Keep owning your shit.
 
Take care of your responsibilities. Lead, be positive, and embrace the philosophy of stoicism. Leave the past in the past.
 
If you're capable of talking without vomiting all your thoughts and feelings or using her as an emotional crutch, then go ahead and talk it out. It won't take much talking for her to know what you're feeling. Women tend to empathize better than men, but most don't find our worst feelings to be attractive or respectable, even if they think they would or could.
 
If you are good at compartmentalizing your feelings, then you can handle your shit and be positive at home. Feel what you need to feel when it's convenient. That's my approach, but it doesn't work for everyone.
 
Grief is different for the end of different relationships. Do what you've gotta do. If you're owning your shit and she's worth a damn, then she'll back you up and admire your strength.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

My father nearly died. Broke his spine in the Army. He was wasting away during my wedding, so I'll just have to take his lead on this.

He stood next to me as best man. He used his tux to cover the drug bladder that was dripping pain meds directly over his heart to control the pain. It didn't control his pain. I took his guns because he is Catholic and he very much wanted to bite a bullet.

That's a fucking man.

Stand with him. Carry his weakness. Death is for the living. So you carry that. Men are the source of love. And sorry to tell you, the source of grief as well.

This is your honor. Not sacrifice. Hold frame as best with your wife. She cannot be part of the heavy lifting. Let her show you what she's willing to help you with.

You are oak. She is not.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is your honor. Not sacrifice. Hold frame as best with your wife. She cannot be part of the heavy lifting. Let her show you what she's willing to help you with.

You are oak. She is not

This is good. I have got to figure out this balance before the end.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You won't. This isn't solvable. You just have to do. And that's okay. That's the way it should be.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

any ideas on how to handle the crushing grief without giving up the Captainship?

Time and prayer.

That's all I have. If you got anything else let me know.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

show/share grief from a RP perspective

Don't.

More detail - A weak bitch sharing his weakness is unattractive

A strong Masculine Man, sharing a brief glimpse of himself is hot.

If you are a BP pussy, Keep your legs (lips) shut.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

If you are a BP pussy, Keep your legs (lips) shut.

You are always good for a cold bucket of wisdom over the head!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just call me ice. Ice Bucket

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, it is one of the biggest slaps in the face... When we say things like 'she's not in your team' is how deep that statement goes.

Not her fault, she can't get out of her head to do vulnerability.

It's all good. These are why make friends are around



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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