Best way to respond to SO's name calling?

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August 8, 2016
8 upvotes

What's the consensus about the best way to respond to your SO calling you names (e.g., asshole, dick, etc.)? I've read some posts giving the impression that being called an asshole should be regarded as a badge of honor because it demonstrates you're not being a Beta puss--i.e., if you're pissing her off you must be doing something right. On the other hand, I've read other posts saying that you shouldn't put up with disrespectful behavior, and your SO calling you an asshole (etc.) can be considered disrespectful behavior.

So, what do you say? When your SO calls you an insulting name (e.g., asshole, dick, whatever), how do you typically respond?

Bonus points for anyone who can address the situation where the name calling happens in front of other people and you don't want to escalate the situation for their sake.

EDIT: An example for context: Last Friday night my wife, my oldest daughter (17 years old) and I are watching a movie at home. Wife is on her phone, Facebooking or some stupid shit like that. Because she's not paying attention to the movie, she says every 15 minutes: "What's going on?" I tell her: "If you were watching the movie instead of screwing around on your phone, you wouldn't have to ask." She gets pissed and says: "Stop being an asshole! Tell me what's going on or I'm going upstairs!" Had we been alone, I'd have told her "go upstairs then". But not wanting to escalate in front of my daughter, I told her what was going on.


Post Information
Title Best way to respond to SO's name calling?
Author Alpha_Rising
Upvotes 8
Comments 17
Date 08 August 2016 11:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207264
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4wt2la/best_way_to_respond_to_sos_name_calling/
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Comments

[–]KyfhoMyoba12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

But not wanting to escalate in front of my daughter, I told her what was going on.

So you want to teach your daughter to treat men the way wifey treats you? Why not show her how a man with boundaries acts?

[–]youcantdenythat10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy

Amused mastery. Name calling is childish, treat it as such. It sounds like she might have been teasing you. Tease back. If you smile and laugh with/at her and pull her into your frame, she will think the whole thing is funny.

As for this situation, I would go with something like "you're cute when you're mad"... when she keeps on, be like "stop flirting with me, our daughter is in the room!" etc.

You also could have taken her threat of going upstairs into sexy mode, "yeah baby, let's go up stairs, wink wink"

You could also play childish and tease her back. Call her an asshole for calling you that. No you're an asshole! No you are!

But, if she decides to stay in bitch mode and it's starting to bother you then just look at her and smirk while she rants and raves but don't respond. Let the silence fall with a pregnant pause. If you do it right she might feel awkward and withdraw. If not she will escalate and demand an answer or something. Calmly respond with "I'll be happy to talk to you when you calm down and are ready to communicate like adults." If she continues to escalate, calmly roll your eyes and walk away.

Next time you are together, pretend it didn't happen. If she brings it up, pretend i was no big deal. She needs to realize you are a rock and her silliness doesn't phase you.

[–]Sibilant_Engorgement3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Great response.

I am just shaking my head though.

This is what men have to do to deal with women nowadays. We need a playbook with 50 ways to deal with an emotional response. And we have to pick the right "play" or we get to deal with shit for hours or days.

[–]youcantdenythat0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You have to deal with shit anyway. Life's a bitch, then you die. Might as well nip it in the butt early. An ounce of prevention.

[–]redearththeory8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

"go upstairs then"

This is a perfectly acceptable thing to say in front of your 17 yo daughter. Eating your wifes shit in front of your daughter sounds far worse to me.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Stop being an asshole! Tell me what's going on or I'm going upstairs!"

Hold frame and make it clear you are amused. Example:

You're cute when you're feisty.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not what she says, it's how she says it.

You need to learn to start fucking with her. Why would you take this woman seriously? You could have made up some ridiculous shit about the plot, use the opportunity to make your daughter laugh and make your wife feel like the child she is. And the fucked up shit is, your wife will love it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

And, so you told her ? WTF ? Make the statement of a man and fucking own it. Don't ever back the fuck up.

In this case, "Assholes, are not good story tellers, nor can they fill in the missing blanks.... " Then, when she wants something, remind her you are an asshole.

As for a

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

In the moment, I'd probably just AA or STFU. I might even wink at her in response, just to confuse the shit out of her while communicating IDGAF.

In the long run, though, there's really only two reasons why this might happen:

  1. She doesn't value you, and therefore doesn't care if she loses you.
  2. She values you, but doesn't believe that you would actually leave.

The cure for the first is become more awesome. The cure for the second is dread.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

this.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hey kiddo (daughter) If I ever see you treat a man like this, you're outta the will, then take wifes phone and hold it above your head so she has to jump up to reach.

"If you were watching the movie instead of screwing around on your phone, you wouldn't have to ask."

Or don't get buttmad because she doesn't know whats happening on matlock

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My first thought as well.

"About three sex scenes, blood and guts, tons of cool shit! Awesome movie sweetie!"

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like to tell her to rate my asshole behavior on a scale of 1-10. If she says 10, I say solid. You can even make it Olympic themed if you want...

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I've been called worse"

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you're already describing regular activities as "stupid shit" it's possible the standards for respect and decency are already compromised in your family.
Also, it sounds like you're a passive aggressive pussy when you "well maybe if you were paying attention..." - it's hard enough to read you saying it so I can only imagine how ridiculous you sound in real life. How about telling her "the elephant just sat in the mouse" or "there's a guy that thinks he's a monkey and he's winning the race"?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When your SO calls you an insulting name (e.g., asshole, dick, whatever), how do you typically respond?

Thank you. (tilt head, big smile)

You know this isn't easy, but somebody's got to do it! (tilt head, smile)

where the name calling happens in front of other people and you don't want to escalate the situation for their sake.

Thank you. (tilt head, big smile)

You know this isn't easy, but somebody's got to do it! (tilt head, smile)

Tell me what's going on or I'm going upstairs!

Good night dear! ( Because only you chose what you will do. Only you decide your actions, and, what you want your daughter to see that in front of your wife.)

If she escalates this, send daughter upstairs, fog fog fog and say goodnight to her. If she doesn't leave, you go upstairs. I would not get drawn into an argument, just don't let her run the show either.

All of this is easier than it looks to you now. Probably you are afraid of her screechtard displays of emotional abuse of you and others. You cannot control her, only you. If you are afraid of her, you need to come to terms with that and stop giving her power over you. Best

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

not wanting to escalate in front of my daughter,

you're a faggot. Put another ring into your nose, so that your daughter can ALSO lead you around by a leash!



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