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What to do when being shit tested, but about something you need/were going to do anyway?

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July 25, 2016
9 upvotes

These are the shit tests I have the hardest time with. For example:

Early morning, toddler is getting wife all worked up. I'm just about to get up anyway, but now she's barking at me to get up. (Edit: To be clear we also have a baby and I stay up much later at night to handle that. My not being up first in the morning is an arrangement that is explicitly understood between the two of us. I'm not beyond waking up earlier than expected if she's having a particularly rough time. I would never say no if asked, even if I'm not happy about it. But I will no longer be commanded to do so like a child no matter how worked up she is. It's my fault that I allowed that to happen in the past, but I'm not going to accept that behavior any more first thing in the morning than any other time of day.)

The tone is unacceptable so I ignore. She starts raising her voice, gets nastier and nastier. Now when you read this, keep in mind this entire time I'm calm and she never drags me out of frame. Not even an inch.

Her: "do you hear me?" "Huh?!?" Me: (10 seconds later) "yup, I can hear you." Her: "Then why aren't you answering me?" Me: "Cause I'm not responding to that tone." Her: "I ASKED you to HELP ME." Me: (snickers) "That's a funny way of asking for help."

Next come the tears.

Her: "why do you hate me?"

At this point I audibly chuckled, and told her to go chill out. I assure you this amusement was genuine cause it was such a caricature of a shit test and I couldn't help it. I don't even remember what she said when she stormed away, something really dramatic like good luck dealing with them after I kill myself yada yada. Very very dramatic. I distinctly recall being called a self righteous bastard ask she walked away.....that put a smirk on my face, cause I figured mission accomplished lol. After she leaves I get up a minute or so later, and have a fun morning with the kids, watching Star Wars, etc. I think it pissed her off even more that the kids didn't get under my skin and we were genuinely having a good morning. Whatever though, she'll get over it.

She's really persistent with the shit tests sometimes, and she's kind of got me between a rock and a hard place with this specific type of shit test. If I get up while she's barking at me, I comply and fail the test. But until I get up, I'm not handling my shit. And I was going to anyway. I just don't want to give her the impression that I'm getting up in response to her nasty shit test. I thought I did the best I could by not allowing her to get under my skin, getting around to doing what needed to be done on my terms, not hers. But in the end it still was a form of compliance I suppose. Was there a better way to handle it?


Post Information
Title What to do when being shit tested, but about something you need/were going to do anyway?
Author ddd37859
Upvotes 9
Comments 65
Date 25 July 2016 12:21 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207295
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4uib20/what_to_do_when_being_shit_tested_but_about/
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frameshit test
Comments

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (16 children) | Copy

So basically , she is stressed out and talking to you how you let her talk to you in the past.

Problem : lack of previously set up boundaries.

Solution : Take care of the thing that needs to be taken care of ( ie kid) including taking over the duty that apparently she can not handle. Do not talk to her about it at the moment.

Later that day when kid is asleep sit her down and tell her your boundary and consequences ( you know about those, right?)

Another way is to say something to the affect of " yep I got this, go relax" This is said dismissively. ( this is not a good way to handle it, but in the moment if you can't stfu it works)

Establish what you will and will not tolerate.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I like this. Here's the thing. From the title, we are to assume he's already going to do this. My wife does this with me going to the gym. So the Captain Obvious shit test...what the fuck do you do other than whatever you want.

It's a catch 22-shit test. There is no winning. Thus don't play. Or am I missing something?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

honestly, if she wants to fuck with my gym time, it better be important.

This is a hard one in the sense that it takes the most training and this type of thing is when she gets that she needs to stop trying to control you.

Lots of crying etc about how I don't listen to fee feez... that apparently only come up just as I am about to head out... scared to talk to me... etc...

except if it is important, one can set up a time for it.

Yes this is hard.

Honestly I think this is one of the make it or break it points in the relationship.... Either you get back on your horse and lead, or she gets on her horse and rides away.. or you beta up and let her get back on your horse and lead you.

Those are the choices.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Later that day when kid is asleep sit her down and tell her your boundary and consequences ( you know about those, right?)

Please tell us more about these. I'm not seeing it in the literature I am reading (aside from PlueBillProfs Commitment/Sex pairing) and think it might really help.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is ALL over the place.

You have three things you can offer that are of value. Time, attention, affection. You remove those. That may look like going out for a few hours, all the way to divorce.

Of course none of this works if she does not FEEL any BENEFIT from your time, attention and affection.

[–]donerkebabplease1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

First one on deck, last one off it. I used to stay in bed on days off til mid morning, (when I was a lazy fuck) now, I'm up first and handling shit.

Also, like Scurve said, lack of boundaries in this example.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, when my wife yells at me in a nasty tone that the house is on fire, I just wait a few seconds then tell I will not respond to that tone. Then I handle it with amused mastery.

After the house burns down, she asks me if I hate her. Then I know MRP is working.

There is a difference between having "frame" and being a certified stupid asshole.

This is about taking care of your child and being a Rock and a leader in YOUR house. Try to steer more to the center of the ditches, it is actually easier.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

I'm just about to get up anyway, but now she's barking at me to get up.

To be clear, you weren't up, yet you knew your wife was struggling. So, you were laying in bed being lazy.

If I get up while she's barking at me, I comply and fail the test.

Get up before it gets to that point. It's what a man would do and it solves your problem, or are you too dense to realize this?

It isn't mission accomplished when your wife is storming away bitching, it is a sign that she is in a bad place mentally and she doesn't have any leadership from her man to help her improve.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I didn't see the scenario that way...as in she up already and him in bed.

But yeah...either way be the first mother fucker on deck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Set your alarm for 530 and get your ass to the gym before everyone wakes up. Adjust your evening schedule accordingly.

I'm assuming your toddler goes to bed at a normal time for a toddler, so you should be able to get 7-8 hours on that schedule.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

How is this about boundaries? You sound like a lazy fuck. You should be up first, not giving your wife a chance to nag you for something you admit you should be doing anyway. I know it's been a whole week of MRP for you, but you still sound drunk to me.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This wasn't a shit test, but a woman whose reflecting her drunk captain. She having a shitty morning with the kids, and you're in bed pretending to ignore the entire thing.

Is complete chaos a normal thing in the morning at your house? If so, then you need to get your ass out of bed and be part of the solution, and not use her frustration as a chance to "establish boundaries". Better still, make sure shit is done the night before, the kids are in bed on time, and that mornings have a routine. Then you can set your alarm and sleep in.

[–]chiefjohnwatts17900 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Wouldn't the Captain of the ship be up and awake before the rest of the crew?

[–]YoureAfuckingRobot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why dont you read the post. They have an arrangement that seems perfectly fine but she decided to go against it. This guy seems to have things together pretty well I think so cut him some slack and give advice or go read another sub.

OP needs his wife to know how things work, she can't bitch him out randomly because all the sudden the arrangement they made just doesn't work for her in certain situations. This is a woman thing though. I had an ex constantly coming back to me to change things we had legally agreed to in a separation agreement because sometimes they didn't fit her needs. It was so annoying but after explaining that we have made an arrangement and we Both need to stick to it.

Try phrasing it in reverse to her. Ask her if she would start taking over at night at the last minute because you decided that you don't want to do it one night. I did that and it solved things fairly quick. Or at least made things better...

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Outside of having your shit together, I would say you need to do the following:

  1. Keep getting your shit together. As others have said, you ate quite a bit of shit for a while and now you are pushing back. Shit tests will come at the regular now as the balance of power is shifting. You need to keep your tools (Fog, AM/AA, etc from WISNIFG) at the ready and sharpened.

  2. She is fucking with a boundary you all have in place. HOWEVER, I think there needs to be some middle ground. As others have said here, you should not ask for help when its your turn but expect she will ask when its her turn. She is your first mate and may need assitance from her awesome captain.

If you are already up (i.e, not dead asleep) and she is going nuclear on the baby, step in since you dont want a child to be exposed to the nagging screaming bitch harpy. State later on, when things are calm, that you dont want that kind of behavior in the house. Why do you think the kid is fussing when she is around them? They fucking SMELL "nasty bitch/negative" a mile away like dogs. No wonder they are getting ansy, "I shit myself... oh crap, its the mother hen and she looks like she is going to murder me... shit shit, she is screaming at daddy again. I like him more, he is so awesome and calm." Get my point? She is reinforcing shitty behavior with the kid.

On the flip side, if you are up and she is handling it, LET HER HANDLE IT. There needs to be set boundaries for the opposite. For example, you are asleep and she is screaming (like a she bitch child)... -> no deal. You are asleep, she comes in asking for help calmly (like an adult).. -> help her. Compromise without jeopardizing frame.

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why does my pre-schooler ask me the same question, often minutes apart, multiple times throughout the day?

Why does my teenager throw a tantrum?

Why does my wife...?

[–]plein_old0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Me: (snickers)

This sounds a little bit, maybe 5%, like power games to me, depending on what vibe you were projecting. And by power games, I mean a slight flavor of taking sadistic pleasure in the contest.

Like in Taming of the Shrew, the husband doesn't let on even for a split second that he finds his wife's behavior odious. There's never a snicker that he's having a contest with anyone.

So maybe keep trying to find other ways to solve the situation that feel better to you and don't leave you feeling a lingering doubt.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My gf does this all the time. I usually just get up on her and shut her shitty behavior down first, then go and do whatever it was I was going to do anyway. Come at her like a pimp and let her know you're still in charge.

Last time this happened she was cleaning the kitchen and I was going to take the trash out. Right as I'm walking towards the trash can to pull the bag out she goes "can you please take the trash out, it's starting to overflow...blah blah" with just a bitchy tone about it. I put the trash down, stared at her for a minute, with a smirk and stood really close, so she had to look directly up at me (that part is important) and smiled and said "you think you can boss me around, huh?" And started pushing and tickling her into the corner. She fought a little but I just grabbed her arms and held her against the wall and we made out a while. Then I smacked her ass and took the trash out anyway.

She made one more little bratty comment, like "damn straight you take that trash out..." but I just laughed because I know she knows that I run shit. Some girls just want to get the last word in. They like being little brats and then getting put in their place by their man. It doesn't sound like this baby thing was an example of that, but I'm sure a similar strategy would work.

Dad's can be pimps too.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Sounds like she's losing power she once had and doesn't like it, but secretly kind of likes it. Well, kind of really fucking likes it when she sees you aren't playing a game but really do hold yourself in higher regard than her. Which is awesome because she wants YOU to be better than her too.

So she starts crying for losing some comfort, but the tears are 50% tingles or else she wouldn't have gotten so worked up. So, keep going tiger.

Next time settle her down by fucking her. She seems like she needs some orgasms. A wife that shit tests you is a wife that WANTS to find you attractive and WANTS you to bang her. Less shit tests from a well fucked wife.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You think sex is the answer to this?

That's fucking retarded.

This is a perfect example of a woman who can't handle her shit and a guy who calls himself the 'leader' yet lays in bed while everyone else is doing their job.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can only say that by the title, he's used to getting up already. Because, at that point, it's not about what she's complaining about. Kind of like a air conditioner.

Because that's what my wife does in other scenarios. Already owning it. Still pulls it anyways.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can't tell if this is serious or sarcastic.

secretly kind of likes it. Well, kind of really fucking likes it when she sees you aren't playing a game but really do hold yourself in higher regard than her.

What does this even mean? He was playing games.

the tears are 50% tingles

Or, you know, that she's having a bad morning, and he's laying in bed pretending to sleep. Then he uses this as a chance to establish boundaries. These aren't the actions of a leader who DNGAF, it's a drunk captain (or a plain asshole) who's enjoying her frustration.

Next time settle her down by fucking her.

Now I know that you can't be serious. If she's having a shitty morning, the answer isn't to double down on it. Or to try and pivot it into sex. OP needs to get his household in order and show that he's actually worth fucking. It may be a surprise to some, but a boner does not automatically fix everything.

Look, respect has to be a two way street. I know that several of the MRP folks prefer that their wives are submissive and toe the line regardless, but at a certain point, you are both on the same team. There are times to treat her like a teenager, when she's sulking or self-indulgent, but more often, you have to give her credit that she's an adult having a legitimate hard time getting shit done.

Some shit tests are simply emotional push-pulls suitable for DNGAF and AM/AA, but some are indications of real problems. The captain delegates to the first officer what he thinks she can handle, but he's still responsible for the ship.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret-1 points0 points  (13 children) | Copy

I don't now what you displayed here but it wasn't IDGAF. You in fact did GAF. You wrote a lot of "if I do this then she does that. IF I don't she does"...blah blah blah.

Bottomline: You responded. You were very much concerned about passing the shit test. So you decided it was important enough to engage. Now you are focused on her. She wins. She gets to poke and prod and call you all sorts of names.

this wasn't the time.

A man of action? Just get the fuck up and do if that was what you intended. Why does she matter? you prove that by doing. You also show her that her bullshit is just that bullshit because it did nothing to get the toddler taken care of.

Her: "do you hear me?" "Huh?!?"

Me: uh huh (as you walk way)

Her: "Then why aren't you answering me?"

Me: That baby is crying or didn't you hear.

Her: "I ASKED you to HELP ME."

Ignore. She's taking power back. This requires no response.

Next come the tears.

Her: "why do you hate me?"

Me: I don't hate you, baby, now give me some sugar.

Of course nothing might happen (it wouldn't in my case) but you are still asserting dominance, showing you DGAF...that you still want her to be a pleasant woman ready to please you. If she doesn't give it up then pat her on the head and move on with your day.

Look I get all the talk about setting boundaries, but it's not something you throw down like marking your territory and even still there's a time and place to engage in battle. This wasn't it. Action is required...always.

If you have to think about anything it should be about your actions NOT how you respond. This is why STFU is the best advice. This wasn't the time to engage her directly it was the time to complete your mission and through that action show her that her emotional temper tantrum was the same as the toddler's. All pointless

Would you have engaged the toddler in a tit-for-tat conversation? Then why her?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

How about getting everyone on a schedule so some sleep can be had by all.

And, since you are a man, how about you be the last to bed and the first up ? I think she and the toddler are exhausted.......



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