Wife is threatening divorce....a lot

[deleted] · 2016-07-18T04:46:09+00:00

The first step is to get control of yourself.

You cannot control anyone more than you can control yourself. Therefore, if you can't get control of yourself, kiss her ass and hope she doesn't hurt you too bad.

Controlling others, like your LTR, is a waste of time. That time should be used to learn to control yourself.

You are afraid of her. Many others before you have conquered their fear of their women. For now, STFU while you learn how to respond better to her strong willed bullshit.

You mention your affair regularly. Get the fuck over it NOW. If you cannot get over your weak assed self-guilt game, then just throw in the towel and file now.

You are bargaining for time, for space, for anything you can thing of to get to you chance to recover from your self-inflicted and wife inflicted body blows. Your ego is trying to get you to find an easy way out of this mess. You know, your wife might not be as shitty as you say. Maybe you are just so weak in the knees with her, that she seems a giant. Small children are often afraid of a not un-friendly dog, or a loud carnival that could be fun….if only they could get control of themselves.

Answer: Man up. The only easy way out is to hand over your balls. Guarantee you, she will crush 'em. The ultimate power is gaining control over ourselves.

SorcererKing · 2016-07-18T04:41:48+00:00

Paging /u/bluepillprofessor for advice on "alpha bitch"...

jeeohnjones · 2016-07-18T06:26:20+00:00

ooh tough one.

The point of passive dread is to make her subconsciously come to the conclusion that you have other options.

You blew that up with the proven ability to get another female.

Overdoing the comfort - "Yes babe, I'm 100% yours" will make her lose attraction, it's anti-dread.

Dread via leaving the house and being mysterious will just cause infidelity-anxiety and bad results.

I guess the last option is just ignore her when she's being a shrew. Gaze off into the distance. Make it clear you're not paying attention. Do as much "not even listening while you're screaming" body language as possible.

Be subtle, she'll notice. No need to be a dick and put your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LAA. Point your feet away from her, fold your arms, look at the ceiling. If she reacts to that "Hey you're not even listening" reply "Yep. When you can speak pleasantly, I'll give you my attention".

No-one likes being told they're unpleasant. Ignore bad behaviour, give her your attention and praise for good behaviour.

Sepean · 2016-07-18T06:44:32+00:00

And does anyone have experience with an extremely anxiety-ridden type-A professional who regularly refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"?

Yup, got that here. And my wife found MRP and my many posts here and we also went through a prolonged conflict; my writings really triggered her anxieties.

I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day. I ended up DEERing and apologizing just to get her to eat and not be a basket case around my family.

Don't do that. If there is something very important that she is wrong about (and we're talking like very important, like stuff that might make her think you were looking to cheat again) you might want to explain, but other than that stop DEERing. You are maybe buying a moment of peace but you are teaching her that a) you don't have frame and b) she can use this to stomp your further into submission.

So stop engaging. Meet comformt tests with hugs and reassurance, meet shit tests with A&A, AM and STFU.

my wife alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce.

On one hand, she is attracted to you and because of that she does not want to leave. The pull will almost always be stronger than the push for a woman. Many will stay with serial cheaters and abusers if they don't have better options.

On the other hand you have the usual fight for control, her drive to try to make you more beta and to test your frame and alphaness. This is ramped up because you are upping your alpha as it with all of us until the main event, and fed further by your cheating which is a HUGE beta loss.

I don't believe the basic dynamics are any different in your case. Handle it exactly standard.

You might have suffered a semi-permanent cap on how high your beta can get, which means extra comfort tests and even freak outs. It is just something you have to deal with.

Giving in and DEERing when she attacks you will solve nothing. Hold frame, and eventually her hamster starts running and comes up with something that calms her down and makes her snuggle up to her high SMV man again.

[deleted] · 2016-07-18T13:09:05+00:00

Providing comfort doesn't mean you can placate shitty behavior. We do that shit all day with our patients with motivational interviewing, trying to move past the social history and get on with a consult, and getting shitty admin people to STFU. Medicine attracts codependent people and reinforces the behavior. Our profession is over-represented in the red pill.

Is it ok to go slow

Yes. In fact, it's usually necessary, especially with a smart, anxious wife and your history of infidelity.

If she's fucking and giving me BJ's regularly and all I want is a halfway decent woman to spend my time with, is MRP the right place for me?

You're a codependent guy married to an anxious and angry wife. You are the MRP prototype. The guys who are here because of dead bedrooms didn't realize that the lack of sex was a symptom of a much greater problem. Sex is a concrete thing that draws the focus of married couples, but it is almost always a symptom of something else.

My wife's behavior had devolved into borderline abusive acts toward me before I came here. She was also screaming at the kids several times per day, sometimes saying nasty things to them at two and four years old. I started forming a plan for divorce, but hesitated because that would have left her with more unsupervised time with the kids. I recognized that we were feeding into the changes in each other's behavior, but I had no idea how much until I changed my behavior.

Maybe I shouldn't start enforcing boundaries when she has a yeast infection.

LOL. Time for some beta comfort - hand her a fluconazole tab and a pack of Canesten. Other than that, stay consistent with your boundaries, recognizing that being itchy shortens her attention span and reduces empathy. Don't talk emotions - just stick to logistics until she's not itchy anymore.

refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"

Anxiety often looks like narcissism. They can coexist, too. If she really is a narcissist, then you need to consider the impact on your child. A narcissistic parent is an insidious influence that can destroy a child. Seemingly minor interactions add up to a child who will never have strong self-esteem. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists if you need proof.

Make sure birth control is in order. Do not have any more children with this woman.

alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce

You're her dream man, on paper, except for the cheating thing. You tick all the boxes for a good choice of husband - physically fit, doctor, good parent, etc... She wants a man, though. You can become a man.

It sound like she'll be capable of seeing you as a man, but you won't know if she can get past the infidelity until you have eliminated all your shitty behaviors. Once you have been an attractive, assertive, strong, stoic, positive person for months, she will have either become a better wife or you will have started to recognize how many options you really have.

By stoicism, I mean the philosophy, not the lack of emotional responses and unquestioning acceptance of other people's shit that you have to display at work.

I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day

That's a battle for the earliest possible moment that you can get her alone.

She's entitled to her emotions, but she can no longer use them as an excuse to violate the boundaries that you set. Those boundaries will gradually move from the things that you can't tolerate to the things that are reasonable expectations from a good wife. The specifics of that depend on you.

Edit: autocorrect wasn't correct

cholomite · 2016-07-18T13:04:16+00:00

My girl is extremely anxiety ridden type A high energy but she's not a professional at all. I treat her like a cocky little girl who thinks she knows it all and she loves it. If she ever called herself an alpha bitch I would probably break out laughing because she can't even decide which cute animal video she wants to watch on YouTube before bed. But I digress, your wife is not an alpha bitch, she is just a woman who needs an extra strong alpha to lead her. Just put an 's after the alpha and that is what she really means.

About that arm punch thing, I don't know the whole story because I wasn't there but here is how I have handled similar situations in the past with some success.

If she was just hitting you to get your attention, and not out of anger or to try and hurt you, then don't get so butthurt. You're a man, no woman is supposed to be able to hurt you. Is it disrespectful? Yea, probably, but if you let it upset you or make you angry in anyway, than you're a bitch who gets hurt by girls. That shit looks weak. Again though, attacking you in anger would be different, but it seems like she was just being a little bitchy and not committing domestic assault.

Next time, after she hits you look at her for a second with a smirk and ask her if she wants to fight, or thinks she's bruce lee, then grab her and carry her off, or tickle her or something that shows her that you don't give a shit that she hit you, but that will have to pay for her bratty behavior.

Just keep it light and playful. The worst thing you can do is completely shut everything down and lay out some boundry. That just engages her mind in discussion mode, which to her is a "must win" conversation. I think /u/shackmeister just wrote something on the main sub about how women view conversations as combat and only care about winning. You decided to engage your wife in conversation combat instead of rising above like the man you're supposed to be and punishing her like the bratty child she is. Next time don't even play, just rise above and put her in her place.

Never let her influence or change your emotional state unless it's an extremely situation.

Title	Wife is threatening divorce....a lot
Author	redmountainpill
Upvotes	15
Comments	18
Date	18 July 2016 03:15 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/207321
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4td3ub/wife_is_threatening_divorcea_lot/