Hello men. Wife and I are early 30's. Have a 2 year old daughter. We're both physicians. Cheated on my wife a year and a half ago because I thought she was being the bitchiest harpy that crawled from the bowels of hell. Realize now I was a beta fuckup who was more concerned about rock climbing with my buddies than raising a family and naturally my wife would take out her resentment in the form of screeching. Sex with my wife has never been a problem, in terms of frequency and enthusiasm. Anyway, she found out and made my life a living hell. I tried therapy, and following all the advice of marriage counsellors. It left me calling suicide hotlines and ended with her moving out for a while and taking our daughter. I found MRP at that time and I've been obsessed with it. Read NMMNG, WISNIFG, and months worth of MRP posts by all of you veterans. I'm feeling better about myself....slowly. Oh, and I started lifting, bro.
After I found MRP and stopped giving a shit if she leaves or stays (well, not totally giving a shit. I want to raise my daughter) she moved back in. Since I've been lifting and acting more confident, my wife alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce. I'm starting to think I'm going to fast. For example, today we're leaving the house to go to dinner at my dad's. She mentions something about moving tupperware around. I was concerned with getting our daughter ready and I wasn't paying attention to my wife. She gets frustrated, and hits me to get my attention. Not full on slug, but harder than would be normal to get attention. Blue pill me would have let it go. I told her "you can tap me lightly if you need to get my attention, but do not hit me if it's out of frustration or anger." A real simple boundary, I'm thinking at the time. She says, "I didn't hit you and I'm not angry. (bullshit, but that's ok. I'm trying not to divine her emotions). I just repeat, "Ok, if that's how you really feel. The fact remains that it's not ok to hit me out of anger or frustration."
I'll save you the rest of the details, but it devolved from there. She threatened (for the second time this weekend) to divorce me. I said, "ok. There's the door." Which just enraged her further. I maintained my cool. Tried to STFU. Tried fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, etc. She just kept flipping out. By this time we're in the car on the way to dinner, and our daughter is there. I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day. I ended up DEERing and apologizing just to get her to eat and not be a basket case around my family.
Anyway, I'll stop victim puking. I'm trying to maintain OI and DNGAF. I realize that I'm in her frame. But I'm torn between standing up for myself and providing comfort. I don't want to let her bludgeon me with my infidelity, but I also want to be empathetic to the hurt I've caused her. Part of me wants to go into monk mode for 6 months, give in to her whims and allow time to heal. The other part wants to ditch her and have the negativity out of my day to day life. I wouldn't be divorce raped since we make about the same, but I enjoy being around my daughter every day.
I'm realizing a few things:
- I'm not really outcome independent at this point.
- I'm deeply in the anger stage. It makes it hard to provide comfort when all I see is Shrieking Shrew, MD.
- I need to be patient and continue reading, practicing, and providing Alpha traits with beta comfort.
- Maybe I shouldn't start enforcing boundaries when she has a yeast infection.
Some questions: Is it ok to go slow, provide a lot of comfort, and ramp up the alpha later? If she's fucking and giving me BJ's regularly and all I want is a halfway decent woman to spend my time with, is MRP the right place for me? And does anyone have experience with an extremely anxiety-ridden type-A professional who regularly refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"?