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Wife is threatening divorce....a lot

by redmountainpill | July 18, 2016 | askMRP

15 upvotes

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Hello men. Wife and I are early 30's. Have a 2 year old daughter. We're both physicians. Cheated on my wife a year and a half ago because I thought she was being the bitchiest harpy that crawled from the bowels of hell. Realize now I was a beta fuckup who was more concerned about rock climbing with my buddies than raising a family and naturally my wife would take out her resentment in the form of screeching. Sex with my wife has never been a problem, in terms of frequency and enthusiasm. Anyway, she found out and made my life a living hell. I tried therapy, and following all the advice of marriage counsellors. It left me calling suicide hotlines and ended with her moving out for a while and taking our daughter. I found MRP at that time and I've been obsessed with it. Read NMMNG, WISNIFG, and months worth of MRP posts by all of you veterans. I'm feeling better about myself....slowly. Oh, and I started lifting, bro.

After I found MRP and stopped giving a shit if she leaves or stays (well, not totally giving a shit. I want to raise my daughter) she moved back in. Since I've been lifting and acting more confident, my wife alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce. I'm starting to think I'm going to fast. For example, today we're leaving the house to go to dinner at my dad's. She mentions something about moving tupperware around. I was concerned with getting our daughter ready and I wasn't paying attention to my wife. She gets frustrated, and hits me to get my attention. Not full on slug, but harder than would be normal to get attention. Blue pill me would have let it go. I told her "you can tap me lightly if you need to get my attention, but do not hit me if it's out of frustration or anger." A real simple boundary, I'm thinking at the time. She says, "I didn't hit you and I'm not angry. (bullshit, but that's ok. I'm trying not to divine her emotions). I just repeat, "Ok, if that's how you really feel. The fact remains that it's not ok to hit me out of anger or frustration."

I'll save you the rest of the details, but it devolved from there. She threatened (for the second time this weekend) to divorce me. I said, "ok. There's the door." Which just enraged her further. I maintained my cool. Tried to STFU. Tried fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, etc. She just kept flipping out. By this time we're in the car on the way to dinner, and our daughter is there. I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day. I ended up DEERing and apologizing just to get her to eat and not be a basket case around my family.

Anyway, I'll stop victim puking. I'm trying to maintain OI and DNGAF. I realize that I'm in her frame. But I'm torn between standing up for myself and providing comfort. I don't want to let her bludgeon me with my infidelity, but I also want to be empathetic to the hurt I've caused her. Part of me wants to go into monk mode for 6 months, give in to her whims and allow time to heal. The other part wants to ditch her and have the negativity out of my day to day life. I wouldn't be divorce raped since we make about the same, but I enjoy being around my daughter every day.

I'm realizing a few things:

  1. I'm not really outcome independent at this point.
  2. I'm deeply in the anger stage. It makes it hard to provide comfort when all I see is Shrieking Shrew, MD.
  3. I need to be patient and continue reading, practicing, and providing Alpha traits with beta comfort.
  4. Maybe I shouldn't start enforcing boundaries when she has a yeast infection.

Some questions: Is it ok to go slow, provide a lot of comfort, and ramp up the alpha later? If she's fucking and giving me BJ's regularly and all I want is a halfway decent woman to spend my time with, is MRP the right place for me? And does anyone have experience with an extremely anxiety-ridden type-A professional who regularly refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"?


Post Information
Title Wife is threatening divorce....a lot
Author redmountainpill
Upvotes 15
Comments 18
Date 18 July 2016 03:15 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207321
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4td3ub/wife_is_threatening_divorcea_lot/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

The first step is to get control of yourself.

You cannot control anyone more than you can control yourself. Therefore, if you can't get control of yourself, kiss her ass and hope she doesn't hurt you too bad.

Controlling others, like your LTR, is a waste of time. That time should be used to learn to control yourself.

You are afraid of her. Many others before you have conquered their fear of their women. For now, STFU while you learn how to respond better to her strong willed bullshit.

You mention your affair regularly. Get the fuck over it NOW. If you cannot get over your weak assed self-guilt game, then just throw in the towel and file now.

You are bargaining for time, for space, for anything you can thing of to get to you chance to recover from your self-inflicted and wife inflicted body blows. Your ego is trying to get you to find an easy way out of this mess. You know, your wife might not be as shitty as you say. Maybe you are just so weak in the knees with her, that she seems a giant. Small children are often afraid of a not un-friendly dog, or a loud carnival that could be fun….if only they could get control of themselves.

Answer: Man up. The only easy way out is to hand over your balls. Guarantee you, she will crush 'em. The ultimate power is gaining control over ourselves.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You're absolutely right. For most of my marriage I was terrified of her emotions and intensity. I still am to some degree and I'm working on not owning her emotions. It's a struggle to DNGAF and still show her that, despite the drama, she adds a lot of value to my life.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

PLEASE, try not to rush your ability to deal with your changes….

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Paging /u/bluepillprofessor for advice on "alpha bitch"...

[–]jeeohnjones4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

ooh tough one.

The point of passive dread is to make her subconsciously come to the conclusion that you have other options.

You blew that up with the proven ability to get another female.

Overdoing the comfort - "Yes babe, I'm 100% yours" will make her lose attraction, it's anti-dread.

Dread via leaving the house and being mysterious will just cause infidelity-anxiety and bad results.

I guess the last option is just ignore her when she's being a shrew. Gaze off into the distance. Make it clear you're not paying attention. Do as much "not even listening while you're screaming" body language as possible.

Be subtle, she'll notice. No need to be a dick and put your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LAA. Point your feet away from her, fold your arms, look at the ceiling. If she reacts to that "Hey you're not even listening" reply "Yep. When you can speak pleasantly, I'll give you my attention".

No-one likes being told they're unpleasant. Ignore bad behaviour, give her your attention and praise for good behaviour.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hahaha. I used that line once: "You have the right to be angry or have any emotion you choose. But I won't talk with you when you act this way. When you act pleasantly I'll talk with you." She told me I was emotionally abusing her. See, that's what she sees-- if she doesn't have complete control over the relationship then I'm abusing her.

[–]jeeohnjones0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I vagued out halfway through the paragraph. "When you act pleasantly I'll listen" is fine. Introducing logic during emotional tirade = abuse apparently.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's a shitty comfort test. Play it like a shit test, and you're an insensitive, philandering prick who will amplify her anxiety and rage. Play it like a comfort test, and you're a clueless loser who will just piss her off. STFU is what to do when you can't think of a better response.
 
Option #1 for a shitty comfort test is playing it down the middle with stoicism. For example, "I'm disappointed in the way that you are speaking to me right now. I'm going to go floss my teeth. Take a minute, gather your thoughts, and you can try this again when I get back."

[–]Flathatter451 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm going to go floss my teeth.

That made me spit out my water. Lol!

[–]SepeanRed Beret5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

And does anyone have experience with an extremely anxiety-ridden type-A professional who regularly refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"?

Yup, got that here. And my wife found MRP and my many posts here and we also went through a prolonged conflict; my writings really triggered her anxieties.

I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day. I ended up DEERing and apologizing just to get her to eat and not be a basket case around my family.

Don't do that. If there is something very important that she is wrong about (and we're talking like very important, like stuff that might make her think you were looking to cheat again) you might want to explain, but other than that stop DEERing. You are maybe buying a moment of peace but you are teaching her that a) you don't have frame and b) she can use this to stomp your further into submission.

So stop engaging. Meet comformt tests with hugs and reassurance, meet shit tests with A&A, AM and STFU.

my wife alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce.

On one hand, she is attracted to you and because of that she does not want to leave. The pull will almost always be stronger than the push for a woman. Many will stay with serial cheaters and abusers if they don't have better options.

On the other hand you have the usual fight for control, her drive to try to make you more beta and to test your frame and alphaness. This is ramped up because you are upping your alpha as it with all of us until the main event, and fed further by your cheating which is a HUGE beta loss.

I don't believe the basic dynamics are any different in your case. Handle it exactly standard.

You might have suffered a semi-permanent cap on how high your beta can get, which means extra comfort tests and even freak outs. It is just something you have to deal with.

Giving in and DEERing when she attacks you will solve nothing. Hold frame, and eventually her hamster starts running and comes up with something that calms her down and makes her snuggle up to her high SMV man again.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

The better options thing is tricky. She's an attractive lady. Appears to have it all together to other people. She's got no shortage of beta orbiters who tell her that she's so special and deserves better. She buys into it and tells me that she's got plenty of guys who will do whatever she wants and I'd better do what she says. I usually A&A, but that doesn't work if I also throw some comfort in. She just wants to know that I want her around. But I'm sure tired of hearing about all these pussies that are after her-- like they would tolerate her bullshit

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Better option means higher SMV. If you've got high SMV she isn't dropping to some beta orbiter. Do you really think she wants some mangina who obeys her every whim? Guys like that disgust women.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She buys into it and tells me that she's got plenty of guys who will do whatever she wants and I'd better do what she says.

If she had any guy who was worth a shit waiting to wipe her ass for her, then she would have left you for one of them when she found out you cheated.

"Well damn honey, maybe you can get one of them to come paint your nails and do your hair."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why not tell her she is free to leave.

"ok babe Dr. Pussyfoot thinks you're special. Go to him. I insist."

Go see a lawyer. Write up a divorce proposal or whatever. Start fixing you. Next time she says she wants a divorce honor that threat.

Honestly - you're a faggot but you should still honor the threat.

Prophylaxis man!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Providing comfort doesn't mean you can placate shitty behavior. We do that shit all day with our patients with motivational interviewing, trying to move past the social history and get on with a consult, and getting shitty admin people to STFU. Medicine attracts codependent people and reinforces the behavior. Our profession is over-represented in the red pill.
 

Is it ok to go slow

Yes. In fact, it's usually necessary, especially with a smart, anxious wife and your history of infidelity.
 

If she's fucking and giving me BJ's regularly and all I want is a halfway decent woman to spend my time with, is MRP the right place for me?

You're a codependent guy married to an anxious and angry wife. You are the MRP prototype. The guys who are here because of dead bedrooms didn't realize that the lack of sex was a symptom of a much greater problem. Sex is a concrete thing that draws the focus of married couples, but it is almost always a symptom of something else.
 
My wife's behavior had devolved into borderline abusive acts toward me before I came here. She was also screaming at the kids several times per day, sometimes saying nasty things to them at two and four years old. I started forming a plan for divorce, but hesitated because that would have left her with more unsupervised time with the kids. I recognized that we were feeding into the changes in each other's behavior, but I had no idea how much until I changed my behavior.
 

Maybe I shouldn't start enforcing boundaries when she has a yeast infection.

LOL. Time for some beta comfort - hand her a fluconazole tab and a pack of Canesten. Other than that, stay consistent with your boundaries, recognizing that being itchy shortens her attention span and reduces empathy. Don't talk emotions - just stick to logistics until she's not itchy anymore.
 

refers to herself as the "Alpha Bitch"

Anxiety often looks like narcissism. They can coexist, too. If she really is a narcissist, then you need to consider the impact on your child. A narcissistic parent is an insidious influence that can destroy a child. Seemingly minor interactions add up to a child who will never have strong self-esteem. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists if you need proof.
 
Make sure birth control is in order. Do not have any more children with this woman.
 

alternates between saying I'm her dream man and threatening divorce

You're her dream man, on paper, except for the cheating thing. You tick all the boxes for a good choice of husband - physically fit, doctor, good parent, etc... She wants a man, though. You can become a man.
 
It sound like she'll be capable of seeing you as a man, but you won't know if she can get past the infidelity until you have eliminated all your shitty behaviors. Once you have been an attractive, assertive, strong, stoic, positive person for months, she will have either become a better wife or you will have started to recognize how many options you really have.
 
By stoicism, I mean the philosophy, not the lack of emotional responses and unquestioning acceptance of other people's shit that you have to display at work.
 

I don't like her yelling in front of our daughter, but that's a battle for another day

That's a battle for the earliest possible moment that you can get her alone.
 
She's entitled to her emotions, but she can no longer use them as an excuse to violate the boundaries that you set. Those boundaries will gradually move from the things that you can't tolerate to the things that are reasonable expectations from a good wife. The specifics of that depend on you.
 
 
Edit: autocorrect wasn't correct

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've been reading a bit about stoicism. Don't have much time for extra reading since I'm prepping for my specialty boards. Do you know any good introductory books?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

prepping for my specialty boards

That is a very shitty time in life, hopefully never to be repeated.
 
There's a nice intro to stoicism in this thread. You may need to prioritize fitness and nutrition and read a but less non-medical stuff until exams are done. If you decide to visit the stoicism subreddit, it should be with an alternate account since many of the users there don't practice what they preach, but I wouldn't bother going there. You're always better off going to the source.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My girl is extremely anxiety ridden type A high energy but she's not a professional at all. I treat her like a cocky little girl who thinks she knows it all and she loves it. If she ever called herself an alpha bitch I would probably break out laughing because she can't even decide which cute animal video she wants to watch on YouTube before bed. But I digress, your wife is not an alpha bitch, she is just a woman who needs an extra strong alpha to lead her. Just put an 's after the alpha and that is what she really means.

About that arm punch thing, I don't know the whole story because I wasn't there but here is how I have handled similar situations in the past with some success.

If she was just hitting you to get your attention, and not out of anger or to try and hurt you, then don't get so butthurt. You're a man, no woman is supposed to be able to hurt you. Is it disrespectful? Yea, probably, but if you let it upset you or make you angry in anyway, than you're a bitch who gets hurt by girls. That shit looks weak. Again though, attacking you in anger would be different, but it seems like she was just being a little bitchy and not committing domestic assault.

Next time, after she hits you look at her for a second with a smirk and ask her if she wants to fight, or thinks she's bruce lee, then grab her and carry her off, or tickle her or something that shows her that you don't give a shit that she hit you, but that will have to pay for her bratty behavior.

Just keep it light and playful. The worst thing you can do is completely shut everything down and lay out some boundry. That just engages her mind in discussion mode, which to her is a "must win" conversation. I think /u/shackmeister just wrote something on the main sub about how women view conversations as combat and only care about winning. You decided to engage your wife in conversation combat instead of rising above like the man you're supposed to be and punishing her like the bratty child she is. Next time don't even play, just rise above and put her in her place.

Never let her influence or change your emotional state unless it's an extremely situation.



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