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Red pill discovery and the road ahead - next stop divorce

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July 7, 2016

Backstory Earlier this year I noticed a change in my wife's behavior, increased activity on the phone, putting it face down on the table, hiding it when she went to the shower and what not. I didn't confront her right out but knew something was up. Eventually she screwed up and I got hold of the phone and read through a long string of messages with a guy. She sent the first text saying something like "remember me? we met in the queue at this conference" and it evolved in to an emotional affair with text flirting and regular video calls. He lives across the country so they have not hooked up but are making plans for later this year at the conference where they first met.

Enlightenment Instead of blowing up in that moment I decided "that's it" and started looking at how to organize things to avoid getting screwed in the divorce. During my research I stumbled upon the red pill and realized what had led me to where I was. I was a hardcore blue pill doormat and it was a bitter truth to wake up to. My behavior read like a checklist of the things not to do and that had obviously killed her feelings for me. No one to blame but myself.

Redemption Now some six months later I've read the literature, improved my physical shape, got some traction with ladies (even got phone numbers slipped to me twice unasked), still struggling a bit with shit tests but overall getting better at being a man. At home, things seem good on the surface with regular sex and not much drama, however the texting affair is still ongoing. Honestly at this point I have lost all interest in my wife and I'm going through with the divorce. Even the idea of being married in present society seems absurd to me now.

Deliverance I have a business trip at end of July and aim to break it off when I'm packed and about to go. Fortunately we rent a furnished apartment, not much stuff so what I bring will be what I want to keep. Divorce filing is ready, finances in order and a new place to stay when I return and a few days of leave to get organized.

The only thing that is not crystal clear in my mind is about how to frame the divorce. I'm thinking it will hit her like lightning from a clear blue sky and she can be dramatic at times so I'm expecting emotional fallout, especially as she stands to lose a lot financially. My preference is to just ghost her but since I need to deal with her later in the divorce proceedings I can't fully do that.

I'd like to leave her as "amicable" as possible because if she contests the division of assets the court will appoint a "mediator" paid from marital property and I've seen cases where this ended up costing easily $15k or more (she doesn't have much money so it will come out of my account and then she'll get the half of what's left...). Theoretically she might be able to hold the legality of phone snooping over me in some way so I'm hesitant to reveal my knowledge about it. (note: I'm not in the US)

Any suggestion on how to do it strategically to leave a woman less fuming? The truth is somewhere between knowing about the cheating and not standing for it and just being bored of her ass. Maybe keep it at "I fell out of love"? that may raise doubts that I have someone else and make me a revenge target. Maybe it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things as long as I get liberated (of my money)...

Post Information
Title Red pill discovery and the road ahead - next stop divorce
Author Fadren
Upvotes 15
Comments 24
Date 07 July 2016 02:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207338
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4rovj6/red_pill_discovery_and_the_road_ahead_next_stop/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
ghostingframecheatingdramashit testthe red pillthe blue pill

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't admit to phone snooping. Don't tell her you know about her affair. Just file for divorce. If your initial proposed settlement is fair, and about what she'd get anyway, there's a chance her lawyer will advise her not to contest it.

Don't admit that this has been coming for a long time. That you've been pretending, conning her, and fucking her, all while planning the divorce behind her back. It's something you've been thinking about, vaguely, but you only seriously considered this very, very recently.

Once you've filed, do everything your lawyer says. Do not contact her. Ignore any contact attempts she makes. She is to communicate with your lawyer only, and to do so through her lawyer. You are to do the same with her lawyer.

Save evidence of her affair in case you need it later.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OP sounds smart and forward thinking enough to take this advice

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Take screen shots of the affair. Gather evidence, and keep it safe, encrypted on goggle drive for example. Put this in your back pocket for later.

Women value appearance above all, so if she decides to try and fuck you, threaten to show her family that she's got wayward eyes. She may try to portray you as neglectful, and the bad guy. You may not be able to use this in a court of law, but in the court of public opinion it may be worse. Also do some work on the affair partner, find out if he's married etc. threaten to blow his shit up if needed.

Finally she may fall apart and try to get you back, tell her you'll try but in the meantime you will proceed with divorce and "date and romance" again to get back to your early relationship. If she works hard you'll take her back and get remarried. Once the divorce is final and she showed she can be a good girl, plate her, ghost her,whatever but your goal is to get to the divorce with whatever options you are given.

[–]Griever1141 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You may not be able to use this in a court of law, but in the court of public opinion it may be worse. Also do some work on the affair partner, find out if he's married etc. threaten to blow his shit up if needed.

Fighting fire with female nuke's.... i love it.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

Sounds like there's no kids, so you want to divorce as amicably as possible without it costing a ton.

The best way to do it is, first, stop having sex with her. Stop now. Don't have sex with her again. If you keep having sex with her between now and your announcement that you're divorcing her, she will conclude "where is this coming from, everything's fine" and, worse, that you were using her for sex. Women absolutely HATE the idea of being used for sex; that you had been planning this for months and were dumping fucks in her for no reason other than your own "needs". SO stop fucking her. Treat her like a friend or a roommate.

Let her continue on the phone, with her emotional affair. Say nothing about it; don't snoop anymore, don't ask any questions, don't raise any suspicions.

Other than that, the way to handle this is probably to tell her the truth. Sit her down, let her know that you know about the emotional affair, and that staying married isn't going to work for you. You're prepared to work this out as best as you can and to be as friendly as possible, but that you really don't want to stay married, and you want to end things as amicably as possible.

Don't say things like "I fell out of love". That, and the 'using her for sex' thing, will infuriate her.

Just do what a woman would do if she was breaking up with you. Keep saying variations of "it's not working out" or "I just don't think it's working" or "It's not going to work out" or "things just aren't working for me". Refer back to her emotional affair. She'll get pissed at you for looking at her phone. Don't explain it. Just say "I saw your phone, I know what you did and what you're doing. It's not going to work out."

Good luck.

[–]Chump_No_More3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just say "I saw your phone, I know what you did and what you're doing. It's not going to work out."

This is all that has to be said. She violated the contract, you're done. End. Of. Story.

And yeah, stop fucking her.

[–]Fadren[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks, much appreciated - makes total sense. Sex frequency has already been decreasing since I initiate most times and kind of lost interest in her. I can blame high workload and stress for not being in the mood (if she raises any issue).

Truth is probably best as you say. Come to think of it, if she knows I know it may motivate her to smooth out the process to keep it quiet. I have no plans to tell others anything else than that it just didn't work out (well except everyone on mrp), it's out personal business.

And yes, no kids in the picture and only married for 3 years, both early thirties. I feel like I'm getting out just in time, a few more years and I could have been trapped harder and lost a lot more (house, kids, best years of my life).

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I can blame high workload and stress for not being in the mood (if she raises any issue).

Or say nothing. You owe her nothing, let alone an explanation. Women talk, men do... your actions will speak loudly.

Get your shit together, focus on yourself, start enjoying life.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. He doesn't have to explain why he doesn't want sex.

What OP needs to remember is to avoid at all costs being pulled into the emotions frame. This is why I told him to stop having sex, don't say anything, and keep saying "it's not going to work out".

If he gets pulled onto her turf, into the emotions and feelings frame, he'll lose. Men lose every time when they get pulled into talking about feelings. She will lash out, yell, scream, accuse, point fingers, break down, sob heavingly, beg, plead, grovel, and do all other manner of things to somehow make OP into the bad guy. (Hell, this will probably happen anyway).

Don't get pulled into that frame. That's why the advice is to repeat "It's just not working out". Anything else is DEERing.

[–]SexistFlyingPig2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

"I know about your affair. We are getting divorced."

That's it. Nothing more.

her: "What affair?"
you: "..."

Women are better at playing emotional/relationship games than men are. I highly recommend that you don't try any of the "clever" tricks recommended by some of the other posters here. It might seem like a good idea, but it's more likely to blow up in your face.

If she's having an affair, or planning one, then she's probably talked to all her girlfriends about it. She's talked about various scenarios of what she'll do if she gets caught. She's talked and talked and talked. Don't engage in that shitstorm. It will not come out well for you.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just so long as the OP doesn't get dragged onto the emotional playing field, he should be okay. That's why he should just say more or less what you said, and keep repeating "it's not working out, we're getting divorced."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

What benefit is there in giving the reason or spilling the advantage of surprise?

[–]SexistFlyingPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good point.

[–]Fadren[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

So I have given that some thought and the one thing I came up with is that if I don't give a reason and basically ghost her, and she feels confident that I don't know about the affair, she might spread some news in our social circles about how I just upped and abandoned her and paint me as the bad guy. At that point it doesn't leave me with much options than to either try to ignore that, own it or defend it by saying that I got cucked. I don't owe anyone an explanation but through my work I may need to interact with a lot of people and a reputation as a "person that treats women badly" is simply not good for business.

Saying I'm divorcing her because of the affair may nip that in the bud is all I can think of as an argument for that option. As parent said I don't need to mention the phone, just say I know about X (his name). If there are people that know she will wonder who sold her out. Or maybe even he could have contacted me...

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are gonna be the bad guy no matter what. In her head, her cheating is your fault and she is the big victim. She did it because you always xxxxx, or because you never yyyyy, or because of that time 3 years ago when you bought you a sandwich and didnt buy one for her.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You mean other than all the stuff you found already, right?

Just because she knows you know, doesn't mean she won't do that anyways, in fact, she probably will.

You were linked an example of divorce, done right in this thread.

She will spread lies, and her knowing what you know only helps her.

[–]Fadren[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, you asked what benefit it could be to give the reason, that's the one I could come up with - I'm not saying I am choosing this option. I'm still leaning towards radio silence and letting the legal part run its own course through counsel.

Then your second half I'm honestly not sure I understand which side your arguing for. The linked "divorce, done right" did involve him confronting her with screenshots? And I didn't see any follow up saying his (ex)wife did anything to fight the divorce or talk shit? She seemed to accept out of hope of getting back together.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He kept his mouth shut until opening it could benefit him. That's what I'm talking about. Your was expecting her to do something after telling her.

In my experience, the latter never works

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things

Answered your own question. If your lawyer handles it, not sure why you ghosting is not an effective strategy?

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're my fucking idol man. I'm gonna name my next kid "Fadren"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Instead of blowing up in that moment I decided "that's it" and started looking at how to organize things to avoid getting screwed in the divorce.

An angel gets it's wings. Glad to see someone avoiding the "Ready, fire, aim" screwups.

I've yet to see this play out like you say without it being a trainwreck. Just emphasize CYA (cover your ass) on all interactions from here on out. Trust your lawyer, he sees guys screw this up all the time,

[–]Oakstock1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am going to agree with stopping the sex. Even with birth control, kids happen sometimes. Your situation is good, talk to your lawyer, and see what they suggest as far as breaking the situation most favorably. They have more experience with divorce than any one individual.

[–]redearththeory0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In addition to Pem's solid advice, you might check out this guy's technique.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are still framing it on her. Who cares what she will think about the divorce? Who cares if her fee fees will be hurt? Who cares how she will react? Do what you have to do. No, dont tell her about the phone cheating. Treat it like you have a business partner and the business is not working. Do whatever you can do to keep most of your assets. "We are not compatible anymore". "Its not working out anymore". She may beg, cry, manipulate, go crazy. You use fogging, broken record, be firm on your decision. You dont owe her an explanation. You dont owe her anything.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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