659,329 posts

15 year marriage over - Thank you

by [deleted] | July 01, 2016 | askMRP

16 upvotes

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No seriously, thank you. Long time lurker. I've been married 15 years, no kids, discovered MRP about 6 months ago. I could go on and on about how I was but you've heard it a hundred times, alpha turned beta to keep the peace, one story that will give a good idea where I was last year...Wife and I start hanging out at a golf club, she starts acting all flirty around one of the pro's, I think nothing of it, I show I'm not bothered, that's just me. She then proceeds to get a little drunk and walks 50 feet away from where we're sitting to go speak to him on his own, leaving me sat on my own. She comes back 20 minutes later, and after a little digging she admits she asked to add him on facebook. I did nothing about this, I didn't even verbalise I had a problem with it. She almost cuckolded me and I did nothing, boy was I a fucking pathetic chump. There you go, there's my one beta story, that's all you're getting.

I've read all sidebar material, started lifting, looking good now, was a little skinny but now defined after gaining a few pounds of muscle with definition. MRP blew my world right open.

I started with me, NMMNG got me all riled up as it was a mirror of my life, made some big changes, particularly no more approval seeking, started doing things for me, seeing covert contracts all over my life (footrubs and massages for sex etc.), got started on getting rid of those.

Took WISNIFG and devoured that like it was the kung-fu manual, started using fogging and NA any time I had to be assertive, used work as a playground to hone those skills and started taking it home. It was working, I managed to become happier just through minimising argument duration. Any time she had a problem, I'd fog the shit out of her and leave her smiling afterwards. Now I don't argue with women, that's just stupid.

I stopped GAF, removed my presence when she was shitty, gave her more attention and affection after sex. Started initiating often, didn't get butthurt when there was a hard no, got to the point where a soft no meant I'd just pull her pants down and fuck her hard.

I started handling shit around the house, getting all those jobs done without being asked, I was mostly always doing something, I remember one weekend I was doing jobs all weekend, they needed doing, she wanted to spend time with me and chill out, I noped out of that and got on with it, she started doing jobs too, we must have spent a grand total of 2 hours together that whole weekend (despite living in a relatively small house), I remember her saying just before I went back to work on the Monday "I've had a really nice weekend, thank you" This made me laugh, I did the opposite of what you wanted but you had a great time! Women love a leader.

I've read Manipulated Man, The Way of the Superior Man, Mastery, The Way of Men, 16 commandments, fuck, you name it, I've most likely read it. I've read more books in the last 6 months than I've read in the last 10 years! I've devoured pretty much all TRP has to offer, all time posts on MRP and read anything posted on here and MRP daily. I read all the comments I take it all in. To quote a Eminem "I've been chewed up and spit out and boo'd offstage"

My Journey started with me, it gave me self respect, it showed me I deserve to be happy. On my long journey that will never end, I started to see the light, I started to see how shitty my wife treated me, I was the mirror and I needed to look within. Only, I realised I wasn't seeing my reflection, I was seeing shitty when I was being awesome. Something wasn't right, and I needed to do some further introspection. In my devouring of the sidebar looking for an answer, I connected some dots, I saw that whilst I was being pretty fucking awesome, my wife was an angry bitch. I discovered BPD, my world tanked, though everything fit, all the traits, all the symptoms, it made so much sense. I devoured all I could on that, I did some TRP research and they were all saying the same to anyone in my situation, RUN. I didn't want to run, I wanted to stay the course, ONEitis anyone? Well, yes it was a little of that, and a little of the nice guy fixer coming in to play.

I have been pretty awesome for the last month, I made a bad decision that my wife disagreed with, instead of a conversation, instead of disappointment, I was called names, I was threatened, my livelihood was threatened. I was manipulated, I got FOG'd, not in the fogging sense, in the BPD sense, Fear Obligation Guilt. All because she did not approve of my decision. I was treated poorly, very poorly, I had enough self respect to see that, thanks to you guys. Thanks to MRP/TRP. I owned my bad decision, I wanted her to own her bad behaviour, I know that's not possible for someone with BPD and I deserve better than that. Most BPD sufferers are incapable of accepting/owning their faults. They use tactics to never have to do that, turning tables, blame shifting.

I don't deserve to be treated like that for one second. I know I can be happy without her. I will rebuild, this time I'll be better than I ever was, even before I met her. I'm going to be fine.

UPDATE EDIT

So I jumped the gun. I was in her frame, and affected by her shitty behaviour, I didn't see it until I posted on here, you fuckers sure know how to get through to someone; I owe you all.

I have made some huge changes, I haven't yet put enough work in to start making decisions like this, as BPP said, I'm still in the anger phase. u/WhiteTrashKiller also pointed out

Making decisions from an emotional perspective rarely makes the outcome beneficial.

which I didn't see. I may as well have been demanding an apology here. That is not important if I'm in my frame. Allowing myself to be affected by her shitty behaviour shows I'm still very much in hers, I didn't see this at the time.

I only wish I had some buddies that I could've talked to about this before I left the house, guys like you, walking the same path. No one I know wants to hear any of this, I've tried to talk to some of my married buddies, but they're all BP as fuck and aren't ready to hear anything in contradiction to what they believe.

That's why I love this place, I'm now back home, sticking with STFU and will definitely give it another 6 months. Thank you all.


Post Information
Title 15 year marriage over - Thank you
Author
Upvotes 16
Comments 20
Date 01 July 2016 11:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207351
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4quo7y/15_year_marriage_over_thank_you/
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Comments

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret14 points15 points  (7 children) | Copy

I saw that whilst I was being pretty fucking awesome, my wife was an angry bitch.

I don't deserve to be treated like that for one second. I know I can be happy without her.

According to Athol Kay, and I certainly agree with him, it is worth self-improving for at least a year because you may well find out that when you change your behavior then she changes hers.

You are 6 months in. You need to wait another 6 months, at least (IMHO) before you begin plans to divorce.

Related to this advice is my belief that BPD is way, way overblown in the manosphere. I have 2 publications dealing with personality disorders like BPD and all of them are a spectrum. ALL people are a bit of this and that. Women married to a simp who is not controlling her or satisfying her hypergamous needs often appear to be BPD. When the husband realizes in his heart that he could do better than her (and assuming the man doesn't blow it to shit and back) the woman very often comes around and stops behaving like a crazy BPD.

The realization you have made about your importance is a critical milestone but that realization has to simmer for a time before you should act on it. The "Anger Phase" can be delayed like this and you should not make divorce decisions in the anger stage.

Rather than moving towards divorce how about moving towards a better life? Have you studied seduction and PUA? That is Dread Level 6-7. I would read up and practice my cold approaches first. Women do get quite a bit right- like how important it is to have your hand firmly on the next branch before you let go of the last one.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks BPP, I might be jumping the gun, but I'm going to stay gone. I've actually lost count of the amount of times I've ended up sleeping in motels over the last 3 years. I've lived my life walking on eggshells for the last 14 years, I now know that I don't have to do that. It's my life, and I'll live it however I want to. I'm going to be happy now, I've stopped living in fear of her reactions.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Yup, he's jumping the gun. He's likely just inching closer to The Main Event. I'm quite convinced all women appear at least diet-BPD in the extended presence of a weak man.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ahhh that explains the veritable BPD epidemic we are seeing.

It seems it's been BPD here, BPD there, BPD everywhere. Lol

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

When a woman has to jump over the border of being a man and a woman in a relationship she can't help but be borderline.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I admit, I've jumped the gun here and failed. I have been being a little bitch about this. I've reconsidered my reaction now. Going to do some more introspection.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

but that realization has to simmer for a time before you should act on it.

I'm going to do just that, I did jump the gun. I'm not going to give up on this, you guys just saved a marriage. Even more thanks now.

[–]SepeanRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Any time she had a problem, I'd fog the shit out of her and leave her smiling afterwards.

Hmm, she doesn't sound bipolar.

I was treated poorly, very poorly, I had enough self respect to see that [...] I deserve better than that.

Well boohoo. Of course you were treated poorly, you acted like a pussy. And now you're manning up, and she is testing you hard. And for good reason. If someone had let you down and again over 15 years, wouldn't you test them hard before trusting them to handle their shit?

There's a disease, especially over at TRP, where some guys feel they deserve to get treated like royalty without ever putting in the effort. It's a misplaced sense of entitlement that leads to victim syndrome.

If you can't handle the shit women throw at you, go MGTOW. That's the route you're on, bro. Make no mistake, your next woman will test you too and why wouldn't you chicken out again? The alternative is to build your frame, power through it, and you'll get to see what life is once you've established yourself as alpha.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There's a disease, especially over at TRP, where some guys feel they deserve to get treated like royalty without ever putting in the effort. It's a misplaced sense of entitlement that leads to victim syndrome.

Fuck you, you're right! I've reconsidered everything after reading all these comments.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

The BPD outbreak continues…..

BPD sufferers are incapable of accepting/owning their faults. They use tactics to never have to do that, turning tables, blame shifting

This is also true of many really normal women that are trying to run the show when their man hasn't/doesn't.

I was being pretty fucking awesome, my wife was an angry bitch.

Get past this blaming bullshit. Just work on yourself.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is also true of many really normal women that are trying to run the show when their man hasn't/doesn't.

You're not wrong.

Get past this blaming bullshit. Just work on yourself.

I am past blaming, it's not her fault, that doesn't excuse it nor mean I have to live with it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that doesn't excuse it nor mean I have to live with it

Absolutely. You do you.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Oh come on. Do you actually have the diagnostic book in your library for BIPolar ? As others have said, she is just responding and testing you for the changes.slow down and chill. Once you have gone through the side bar and all steps of dread, then make s decision.

But what ever you do, don't use the words fuck me or fuck you. It's unattractive. Just get the papers ready and tell her yourv choice when you feel the time is right

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Oh come on. Do you actually have the diagnostic book in your library for BIPolar ?

Of course not, you already know the answer to that question. She is responding yes, she has also been like this for 14 years and I have suffered heavily. I have been a mess, I'm an abuser in her eyes, I don't want to live under that moniker anymore, I was almost convinced I was. I'm better than that, I now have some self-respect.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Many of us can relate to exactly what you are realizing currently. But the fact of the matter is 1 month per 1 year of the LTR to take effect as a rule.

A lot of guys go through the whole shibamg of alpha to beta.

Currently you are in her Frame. Period.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You mention no buddies

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Currently you are in her Frame. Period.

Since you put it like that, I'm going to rethink this.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

the absolute number one thing right now is to remain consistent in everything you do.

Do not flip flop in your decisions, be timely, if you promise or tell her you are going to do something do it. If you are going to meet her somewhere be there and be slightly ahead of time. Stay going to the gym. If you say your going out with buddies go, even if the So says shit like, you don't love me BS.

When you instill STFU tactic it's important not to get into the retard behavior where you are saying nothing to because she needs to be punished. It's let her talk circles so she can see how ridiculous some of the shit she says. Shrug your shoulders, smirk, laugh let her know you might be listening but not effected by some outrageous diatribe of shit.

Part of good leadership is to know when you are right and stick with that decision for the good of the relationship, project, goal, objective, etc. The more you make decisions with good outcomes, the more the testing dies down. Sort of like going to an unknown area in your state consulting a map, and the state construction website to make sure all is well in that area. Set out a plan B. Following this type of strategy gets you covered, in this case and in life. IT can sure as fuck reduce your stress to nill. Someone wants to bitch how things are going bad.......... fuck 'em, you got plan B

Own Your Shit and make damn sure you are understanding this. Own Your Shit, all of it. Including your ability to make a decision, use the best info at hand and move forward. If it's a bust, analyze it immediately and learn not to repeat the behavior leading the bust

This BPD like behavior is just a reflection of you, and being pulled right into her frame. ( also have a lot friends that are so fucking Beta, it's sick. I get compared in the wife to wife shit and some tell my SO, they wish there husbands were like me. I laugh when I hear this shit, those poor guys are trying so hard to keep the peace that they don't understand about 3 or 4 hours a month of calling their wives on their shit will course correct the month).

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

remain consistent in everything you do.

You're right there, I can see when I've not by her reaction, she is the mirror and my barometer for how I'm being.

it's important not to get into the retard behavior

Oh man, when I STFU, I am almost always doing it because I know when I used to speak before (BP days), I wouldn't achieve anything and I would only keep the discussion going. STFU and Fogging are great tools for giving me more time to do that which needs doing.

The more you make decisions with good outcomes, the more the testing dies down.

You're on the money here, as it's still relatively early, there have yet to be enough good outcomes for me to see any gains there. I do need to bear this in mind and develop my long term memory.

Own Your Shit, all of it.

This is something at the forefront of my mind all day every day, I'm still working on killing the ego. That motherfucker just won't die!!!

This BPD like behavior is just a reflection of you, and being pulled right into her frame.

Yup, yup, yup. I'm enlightened. It is tough to deal with, it is fucking annoying, I don't like easy, so I'm not sure why I keep getting so annoyed. I've put some work in, I'm just going to keep going, keep improving, keep being awesome every day. Thanks for the advice mate, really appreciate it.

[–]redearththeory1 point2 points



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