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Has this come up? I'm at a loss

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June 29, 2016
8 upvotes

Hello-I posted this at a support group and was told to try here instead.

It has been almost 7 days since I checked her phone and found the evidence I didn't want to find. After so much confusion and pain over the last week, I am now trying to figure out what she was thinking all along.

Part of me wants to have the attitude that "I don't care". Take the high road and get over it. Another part of me really needs to figure out what she was thinking. So I am writing to get an fresh set of eyes;

30 days before D-day

Wife has settled in to her new job down the road after 10 years of being a full-time mummy. Kids are all in school. We both celebrate with champagne and toast to a new chapter in our lives. She is mostly happy, although struggling with working 9-5 in an office.

21 days before D-day She is generally up until 1am texting. Walking the dog is taking 2 hours instead of 20 minutes. I wrote in my morning journal that the constant texting is getting on my nerves. I don't say anything because she is so happy about her new friends and I don't want to spoil it.

7 days before D-day She is loving work, going out for drinks with new friends. Then she starts telling me that the guys from the warehouse are flirting with her. She shows me a snapchat message of someone calling her sexy and posting a selfie. She assures me that they are "young boys" from downstairs and that she is not going to respond or encourage them.

6 days before D-day She tells me a story about a girl at work who was beaten up by her husband after having an affair with one of the guys from the warehouse. We both agreed that physical violence is really bad and that the guy was an a-

5 days before D-day She tells me that she is upset that we are not connected anymore. She doesn't get the attention she needs because I am always working on my projects. I explain how important my projects are to me and make an extra effort to instigate sexual stuff in the evening. We have a great time and agree that doing this stuff every night is important. Happy days.

4 days before D-day She leaves to go out for drinks with friends but something is really off. I suspect that she is hiding something. This is not the usual bubbly going out for drinks vibe.

3 days before D-day I am putting pieces of the puzzle together. I decide to bring up the topic of those snapchat messages. She assures me they are innocent and that she will un-install the app to make me happy. I keep thinking about all the other dodgy behavior. I ask her, "well, if not those guys - Is there someone else? Is there anything going on you find it difficult to talk about?" She asks me why? I tell her it is just on my mind constantly. She says nothing is going on and we have fun in bed.

1 day before D-day She is more distant than ever. After going out for drinks, she is home for 10 minutes, then she decides to take the dog for a walk 10 minutes before it gets dark. After 1 hour I call and text her, telling her I am worried where she is. "I am at a friend's house". When she get's back I am already in bed. I ask her where she was and she says she was just up the road checking out the new puppy her manager has. Obvious lie. It was so unbelievable.

She jumped in the shower and I decided to check her phone. The password was easy to remember, I had seen her pull it out and punch the code about 100 times a day for the last few weeks.

Her last message was to a guy called Nathan. I emailed the history to myself and read it briefly. The evidence was clear that they have been meeting up at the end of my road and out in the forest for at least 4 weeks. He had also been to our house whilst I was away for work. They have also been meeting in the warehouse during work. I want to believe nothing happened.


So, in hindsight everything is so obvious. It feels like she was dropping hints for me everywhere. Telling me we were not close. Talking about her colleague who was beaten up for cheating, testing my reaction to that. Showing me snapchat messages. She has made very little effort to hide where she was going. Staying out for 2 hours walking the dog is just not normal.

It has been therapeutic in itself to write this down. Thanks for following me thus far.

I guess I see 3 options now;

  1. She secretly wanted me to find out. It was a ploy to get me jealous so I would pay her attention. Hence all the hints she was dropping.
  2. She didn't want me to find out and is just really bad at keeping secrets. The hints were subliminal attempts to justify the cheating.
  3. She resents me for everything in her life, wanted me to find out, and is happy I am suffering right now.

Have you guys seen anything similar?


Post Information
Title Has this come up? I'm at a loss
Author jollybluegiant1
Upvotes 8
Comments 51
Date 29 June 2016 10:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207355
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4qic14/has_this_come_up_im_at_a_loss/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy

"D Day" huh? That your form of gallows humor? The day you found out she got Nathan's D and got it and got it and got it again.

I guess I see 3 options now

Why do your options 1 through 3 all start with the word "she?"

What about

1) you

and

2) you

and

3) you???

What do you want for your life? You ought to think about that first and foremost.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

The "options" you mention are retarded - SHE'S FUCKING ANOTHER GUY BEHIND YOUR BACK. Your question should be: do I divorce this bitch now, or pretend like everything is fine while I get a lawyer, line everything up, then file for divorce? The answer is the latter, btw.

As for you? Read the MRP main sidebar, books, the top posts, and start lifting now. Wanna know why she cheated in only 30 days from the start of a new job? Because she is not attracted to you anymore. It's that simple. Quite frankly, given how quickly she jumped on the new D, I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating before this. Fix your SMV for yourself, not for her, not for anyone else. Then enjoy bachelorhood.

Welcome to the locker room.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This. The answer is "Divorce First" ask questions later. Even if god forbid you work through your shit and become an awesome man, you may find out that she's not a quality woman deserving of your love and attention. You can always undo a divorce, but you probably wont need to.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

She secretly wanted me to find out. It was a ploy to get me jealous so I would pay her attention.

Bullshit. The rest of your paragraph is hamster.

She didn't want me to find out and is just really bad at keeping secrets. The hints were subliminal attempts to justify the cheating.

This is most likely.

She resents me for everything in her life, wanted me to find out, and is happy I am suffering right now.

She...she...she...WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Pro Tip: She IS happy you are suffering because IF YOU SUFFER THEN IT MEANS SHE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION HOPPING ON STRANGE COCK. IF YOU CAN HOLD FRAME, BUILD YOURSELF UP, AND BUILD A GOOD LIFE WITHOUT HER THEN IT MEANS SHE MADE THE WRONG DECISION.

Get busy and make sure she looks back someday and realizes it was a really bad decision.

Now, if you want to go all out and "save" the marriage (to a lying, cheating whore) then you may want to check out

http://marriagebuilders.com/index.html

I am not recommending it. I am only telling you there is a group that deals with infidelity like this and delves into how to confront the lying, cheating whore and "fix" it.

Good luck.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

My wife and I tried marriagebuilders after my infidelity. It's the same as other marriage counselors. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Very woman-centered.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Now that you know a woman will share a high value man. How do you feel about trying blue pill ways to fix the affair?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Well, I tried the approach that therapists had given: you have to do everything she says and MAYBE she'll forgive you. That approach left me suicidal, feeling controlled, and acting like the biggest beta bitch that ever groveled in the mud. She lost all respect for me, took the kid, and moved out. 2 weeks into redpill and she's moved back in, fucking me with reckless abandon, and respecting my boundaries. OI and frame are working wonders so far.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

They do, now get your MAP together and make some real progress.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the first review I have heard. Thank you!

[–]The_LitzRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

They have also been meeting in the warehouse during work. I want to believe nothing happened.

You are trying to justify her behaviour. Denial is a very strong force in the human psyche. It is a survival tool for those that do not or cannot deal with the truth. If you bury your head like an ostrich and deny anything is going on you don't have to deal with reality. Easy. Suck it up and ask her to please use breathmints before coming home.

Time to make this about YOU and not HER.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Text book case of a cheating whore wife getting her Alpha Fux.

  • A dash of gas lighting...
  • A sprinkling of truth leaks...
  • And the "we aren't connecting anymore...I love you but not in love with you" nonsense...

Welcome to Red Pill. Get busy reading.

For now, it's probably best to keep your trap shut with her...if you can...until you see a lawyer first. Go put on an Oscar winning performance and tell her how much you just love her...she's so cute and cuddly...leave out the part where you think she's a whore. Then in the background get a lawyer and decide how much you want to fuck her over.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not A Single Response From this Brother in Need.

Faggot Troll

[–]6482622 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Where exactly are these 3 options you see? You wrote down 3 scenarios to explain her behavior.

It doesn't really matter if she's cheated or not. Mentally she's been with quite a few guys by now. You're not her priority these days.

She is looking high and low for an easy way out of the relationship, a way that won't stain her social status.

What do you want to do from now on?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Hey OP, lucky for you we were just reminiscing the good old days

Read this and call a lawyer. Then have a trainer show you how to do deadlifts, squats, and bench press.

Also, ask a gay coworker to take you shopping for new clothes. Finally, if you can muster up the egoless frame, go for beers with those ripped warehouse wolves.

You owe them for showing you that your wife is a skanky whore (mine too and half the guys reading this..I know!) And.. I bet you could learn some solid game from them.

Selfies from muscle head bluecollar guys = vagina tingles

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3qi7qp/you_wont_know_when_she_cheats/?st=iq1gyeoc&sh=cf97cd65

[–]Sapphire_Jizz0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

RIP cad...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What is dead may never die.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol, he said gay coworker.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I would have told you to eat shit on going to a gay guy for advice on how to look like a muscle headed blue collar guy.

But I saw two guys that looked like lumberjacks kissing at dive bar a few months ago and I'd have to eat crow...

or dick?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

or dick?

Lol!! Enlightenment is great but no need to get too carried away. Ha ha

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Haha.I said get advice on clothes from gay men.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

DEER: I'm from the 80's and on reflex dick jokes occur.

I'll admit sometimes they're a stretch.

Of course, sometimes they're an erect.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

What is D day ???

Lots of good advice here. Lots of women out there, only one you and your life. Time to get on with it. When you file for divorce make sure and forward emails to her family. Then throw a party for the guys that showed you your wife's true colors

When you get done feeling sorry for yourself, pack her shit for her and change the locks to YOUR house

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

When you file for divorce make sure and forward emails to her family

Yes, you really want to be sure to have irrefutable proof. You really should share to "cause of the divorce" with the family. They will want to know.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Actually, a lot will say "be the stoic man, etc" but in reality proof of and doing all you can, even with counseling ...... he initiates reduces divorce rape of any and keeps him on course of self respect

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

stoic != being able to take a punch without flinching.

Spartans were stoic, doesn't mean they didn't put a spear in you if you fucked with their home

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't beat yourself up that hard. From the story it was not totally obvious, even in retrospect. A long walk is not totally ridiculous. The most suspicious behavior was her taking a shower right away when she got back home.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Congrats you are a cuckold. Typical post wall hypergamy as discussed by Rollo. She suffered for years and now its time to go out and have some fun. She doesnt respect you and truthfully I personally don't agree that you should bother saving this marriage. Don't save her, she don't want to be saved. If you insist there is a book called Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and skip straight to the chapter of busting up an affair.

In reality her affair partner lives so close to you, and they are so intertwined, I doubt there will ever be an end to it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Another part of me really needs to figure out what she was thinking

Kill that part with fire. Your frame involves your dignity, and what you expect from your partner. She crossed the line, you're done. The rest is your need for the dopamene rush that drama provides.

I'd suggest /u/redpillschool article on rewriting the narrative on TRP. I see snippets of her re framing your relationship to absolve her of responsibility. Also, look in the RP readings for a concept called 'trickle truth', and one of my posts on 'divorce done right' because guys are stupid and want to unload on her, showing all their cards.

don't be that guy.

your three options are all about her. She fucked some dude, in the house you paid for... If anything, she should be terrified that you're going to snap and beat the shit out of her like that story (don't btw, you won't win that one)

get some self respect, stop being a giant pussy, play the good husband while you get your affairs in order. You talk about the importance of your projects, this is your most important one. Start up a GANT chart, speak with an attorney, and get to work.

And don't forget, Plates fuck other dudes as well, plates DON'T cost rent. The fact that her SAHM is now working bodes well for your alimony fucking, so you got a shot at getting out of this without paying her to fuck nathan

[–]redpillschool3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This didn't start a month ago. It was going on while she was still at home, but the change in circumstances has flushed it out.

[–]mrp_throwaway1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Those aren't options, those are questions about her and there is nothing to question. She wants Nathan right now; you aren't in the picture.

Options are things YOU can do. Now come back and tell us what The options are.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am now trying to figure out what she was thinking all along.

This is a mental and emotional dead end. The quicker you stop trying to "figure this shit out" the quicker you'll realize what it actually was about. Because in this moment your mind will construct very elaborate scenarios and reasonings... all very complicated... and wrong.

After my first marriage failed. I went down this pointless path. Wasted a lot of time and energy on it. Until finally I said :Fuck it. I'll never know and that's OK.

Not without some irony years later and second marriage going along I find this place and the reading material and it outlines my scenario perfectly and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what happened the first time. And how to prevent it this time.

It all comes down to : you.

IMO Women cheat for 2 reasons ( 3 if you want to count crazy chicks with uncles who molested them, but I'm not counting outliers) :

  • You're not providing enough Alpha to satisfy her.

  • She's branch swinging.

Or both.

Get your shit in order. See a lawyer.

Look up trickle truth if you're curious as to what she's been handing you and what you'll probably receive if you confront her on this.

TIP: Don't confront. Gather evidence for your divorce attorney.

We don't care what she's thinking and neither should you. She's acting on her instincts. You should take this opportunity to better your life, yourself and forge a new future. Later-on examine where you took your eye off the ball and find ways to address your weaknesses.

I wish you luck in your current difficult time and trials. So handle like a champ and not chump! You have the ability.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

After my first marriage failed. I went down this pointless path. Wasted a lot of time and energy on it. Until finally I said :Fuck it. I'll never know and that's OK.

What made you do this, what made you take this decision - finally?

From time to time I'm getting stuck back in 2012, reviewing old evidence that I gathered for a lawyer again and again. Full of trickle truth, full of traits that make her physically cheating not as obvious. She was emotionally cheating, for sure. Reason? How did I lost her? By getting sober. As per my counselor, when I got sober, she did not have to care of me any more and she came dangerously close to her own issues - and because she was not ready to fix herself, she escaped into something else. She is now living in something that, basing on what kids tell me from time to time, extremely codependent relationship with a high functioning alcoholic, so it is pretty much the same thing she had with me in the past. Good, there is a fitting relationship for everybody. And, even better, if I am not a match for her, it means I am doing very fine in my life.

But shit, why am I asking myself "did she cheat back then". She did, emotionally, for sure. Physically? IDK. Does it matter? Why does it matter for me?

"Fuck it. I'll never know".

OP, your post made me remind all those situations. They looked the same. Bitch told me she met him but did not have sex with him. Oh well. I don't believe her because in a similar situations I would hit on her hard.

Believe your lizard brain, OP. If it does not feel right, it is not right. And "she did that because" doesn't matter. That's rationalization hamster. Hamster = bad. Lizard = good. Lizards eat hamsters.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Make sure to arch your back when she wipes her feet because you are a fucking HUMAN DOORMAT.

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am going to give you the short form:

You're a Bitch! Women do not find weak men attractive and make no mistake her probes to see if you'd assault her was just what she needed. You should have said "I'd hate for you to find out".

What she thought was "Wow he really is so fucking weak, Chad's cock is gonna taste so much better now".

You're still trying to rationalize her behavior, when this is all your fault. It is time for you to double down on you. Start by jettisoning her ASAP. Since you have the information, tell her you will send it to her family and her work if the divorce is not amicable. Play hardball for once.

Start eating right and lift like life depends on it(cause it does). Find someone that knows and wants you for the high quality traits you display.

Again, please hear this. The reason she cheated was because your commitment wasn't worth losing to her if the affair was found out. What does that say about you? It sucks, but now you know and can begin the process of rebuilding. If you don't, you will be a victim of this again by your next partner.

Start reading........

[–]blarggggggggggg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You must be new to reddit. The three options are

  1. Lawyer up
  2. Delete Facebook
  3. Hit the gym

but you need to do all 3.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ex wife also did something similar, asked me a few times: if I think she should visit her sister in another town, if I think she should buy a book about graffiti, if I think that gas for the trip is going to cost much or not. She actually asked me to see if I am okay, she asked me about one thing but thought another.

She started walking the dog when she started arranging meetings with a strange dick.

And last but not least, each time she had strange dick set up she sent me photos of our kids few days before.

And, for that forest meetings - I fucked my mistress in forest last year, actually she showed me a nice place - and I started doing this with other girls too, strongly recommend. I hope your soon to be ex wife had good dicking there, it is really nice to fuck in the forest. Go for it. Only not with her.



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