TL;DR: I became a blue pill in the past year by drinking all day and eating aintidepressants.
BODY I'm 38, she's 30. I met her 7 years ago doing PUA shit that I'd only been working on a for a few weeks. HB8, and I'd just left a horrible "we got pregnant better do the right thing" marriage of 8 years that yielded 3 kids and a 250lb cow for an ex.
I was in heaven. I had started drinking so the confidence was coming easily. Also, I only now see how naturally I was using TRP back then.
Oops we got pregnant (I know) and decided to move in together, and honestly had the best year of my life. We would camp, rock climb, go out dancing, were drinking buddies, and had amazing sex all the time.
Pretty quick I noticed her anger problem. I never put up with it, and maintained frame (innately) for a long time. Often she'd go stay at her mom's for a week and I'd play video games, drink and generally have an awesome time.
I snapped sometime last year, though. 2 years ago we decided to have 1 more kid (all 5 live with us), she would be a stay-at-home mom, and I was working my dream job for decent money. I started getting blackout sloppy all the time and drinking beer for breakfast to recover. I lost all self-esteem, and decided to go get on antidepressants, and told her she needs to to counseling for the temper tantrums.
She did, but I just started getting emotionally weaker, and last Thanksgiving while with the 2 youngest boys, I melted down when she said she wanted a divorce. Swore off the drink, got the doc to prescribe withdrawal meds, and put 30 days together sober.
Started playing hockey, became her favorite person again by treating her like royalty and then decided I could drink again. Rinse repeat that over the past 7 months, 12 days sober, 4 day bender being completely pissed off at how she talks to me, and being an emotional little bitch and ending up in the ER with panic attacks.
It's taken a toll, and I'm wondering if the meds have anything to do with my own freak out sessions as well as getting fixed.
We still had good sex, right up until the night before she moved our 2 kids to live with her uber feminist sister in another state.
I started 5x5s again Friday. Depression has gifted me low BF%, so I only have gains to worry about now. I already look pretty decent. She's been hitting yoga like a woman possessed, and it shows.
But I'm totally fucked right now mentally, crying all the time, and definitely fucking up by texting her too much, obsessing, sending her a video of our wedding vows (which she won't watch.) I'm getting dread gamed hard I think.
I want to save the relationship, she hasn't said 100% she wants a divorce, but she's definitely 6 hours away with my kids through the summer. How do I make myself awesome again, and let her see it, with text messages. Facebook bugs the shit out of me, but seems the best way to subtly show off the cool shit the kids and I are doing without her, and that I became a super dad. (I haven't yet, but that's the plan.)
And yes, I know I have to stop drinking. I got through today somehow. Anthony Hopkins did it, and he's a badass. What one man can do, another can do!
Per /u/sexyshoulderdevil 's advice. 2 full days sober. The above is a lot of embarrassing withdrawal panic weaksauce, I'm leaving it to read every time I think I want to drink, and for anyone after me that can relate to it later.
5 days sober, hitting an AA meeting every day (have one in an hour). Alternating weights and running every day (I'm already a physical specimen somehow sitting at a desk for 15 years) so I'm interested to see what my body does with all this. Supplements, whey protein, real food, no more McDonalds. Anxiety has subsided greatly. 2 days off the pills, too. My sponsor is a tatted up badass that I wouldn't want to fight and gives hard answers. Learning my kids are little badasses. Still BPing too much with my wife, but it's better than it was a week ago.
I'll check back in when I get double digit days I suppose.