707,481 posts

I've read quite a lot already the past 2 weeks, but I finally need to write this shit out and get my stupid questions out of the way.

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June 29, 2016
11 upvotes

TL;DR: I became a blue pill in the past year by drinking all day and eating aintidepressants.

BODY I'm 38, she's 30. I met her 7 years ago doing PUA shit that I'd only been working on a for a few weeks. HB8, and I'd just left a horrible "we got pregnant better do the right thing" marriage of 8 years that yielded 3 kids and a 250lb cow for an ex.

I was in heaven. I had started drinking so the confidence was coming easily. Also, I only now see how naturally I was using TRP back then.

Oops we got pregnant (I know) and decided to move in together, and honestly had the best year of my life. We would camp, rock climb, go out dancing, were drinking buddies, and had amazing sex all the time.

Pretty quick I noticed her anger problem. I never put up with it, and maintained frame (innately) for a long time. Often she'd go stay at her mom's for a week and I'd play video games, drink and generally have an awesome time.

I snapped sometime last year, though. 2 years ago we decided to have 1 more kid (all 5 live with us), she would be a stay-at-home mom, and I was working my dream job for decent money. I started getting blackout sloppy all the time and drinking beer for breakfast to recover. I lost all self-esteem, and decided to go get on antidepressants, and told her she needs to to counseling for the temper tantrums.

She did, but I just started getting emotionally weaker, and last Thanksgiving while with the 2 youngest boys, I melted down when she said she wanted a divorce. Swore off the drink, got the doc to prescribe withdrawal meds, and put 30 days together sober.

Started playing hockey, became her favorite person again by treating her like royalty and then decided I could drink again. Rinse repeat that over the past 7 months, 12 days sober, 4 day bender being completely pissed off at how she talks to me, and being an emotional little bitch and ending up in the ER with panic attacks.

It's taken a toll, and I'm wondering if the meds have anything to do with my own freak out sessions as well as getting fixed.

We still had good sex, right up until the night before she moved our 2 kids to live with her uber feminist sister in another state.

I started 5x5s again Friday. Depression has gifted me low BF%, so I only have gains to worry about now. I already look pretty decent. She's been hitting yoga like a woman possessed, and it shows.

But I'm totally fucked right now mentally, crying all the time, and definitely fucking up by texting her too much, obsessing, sending her a video of our wedding vows (which she won't watch.) I'm getting dread gamed hard I think.

I want to save the relationship, she hasn't said 100% she wants a divorce, but she's definitely 6 hours away with my kids through the summer. How do I make myself awesome again, and let her see it, with text messages. Facebook bugs the shit out of me, but seems the best way to subtly show off the cool shit the kids and I are doing without her, and that I became a super dad. (I haven't yet, but that's the plan.)

And yes, I know I have to stop drinking. I got through today somehow. Anthony Hopkins did it, and he's a badass. What one man can do, another can do!

Help dudes.

Edit:

Per /u/sexyshoulderdevil 's advice. 2 full days sober. The above is a lot of embarrassing withdrawal panic weaksauce, I'm leaving it to read every time I think I want to drink, and for anyone after me that can relate to it later.

Edit 2:

5 days sober, hitting an AA meeting every day (have one in an hour). Alternating weights and running every day (I'm already a physical specimen somehow sitting at a desk for 15 years) so I'm interested to see what my body does with all this. Supplements, whey protein, real food, no more McDonalds. Anxiety has subsided greatly. 2 days off the pills, too. My sponsor is a tatted up badass that I wouldn't want to fight and gives hard answers. Learning my kids are little badasses. Still BPing too much with my wife, but it's better than it was a week ago.

I'll check back in when I get double digit days I suppose.


Post Information
Title I've read quite a lot already the past 2 weeks, but I finally need to write this shit out and get my stupid questions out of the way.
Author rpcurious
Upvotes 11
Comments 54
Date 29 June 2016 05:47 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207356
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4qe08e/ive_read_quite_a_lot_already_the_past_2_weeks_but/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
dread gameframethe red pillthe blue pillPUAfeminist
Comments

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

Uh let's see if I've got this...your second wife and your second set of two kids are 6 hours away in another state because you drink too much?

This is not an MRP problem. It sounds like you're an alcoholic. You need to get help. I don't know if that it's the form of AA or a therapist. But you need REAL help.

Who's taking care of your other three kids? You? Are you even functional or drinking around them now that you're so depressed? You better get some fucking real help for the sake of your kids so you don't fuck them up asshole. This shit becomes an endless generational cycle that seeps down to your kids until you get it under control.

As far as I'm concerned, your wife is smart. Get help and if you're lucky you can have your family back. But do you deserve it? Go prove you do.

[–]rpcurious[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I agree with you on all points except this not being MRP. If RP is what you all say, it's absolutely something I can use to get out of this "poor me I'll just drink because what's the use" bullshit. I didn't used to be like this, I became alcoholic because I couldn't find a real way to cope with the relationship.

I'm trying to make the 3 kids living with me my priority by getting my head back together. I grew up with alcohlics and an absentee dad and all that shit, I know the cycle needs to stop with me. I've been trying AA, hitting a meeting tonight in fact. I've been seeing a therapist twice a week the past month.

I need to replace the booze with healthy shit. Or I'll be all fucked up again in 2 weeks. So I came here.

My wife is smart. I'm wrestling with oneitis being bad on one hand, but how her threatening to leave 7 months ago has at least got me trying to get help. That one's still tough to sort.

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed, read all of your replies and it pissed me off and fired me up. Thank you all for taking the time.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

If believing in the Higher-Red-Pill God will get you to never take another sip of alcohol again, then by all means embrace it.

Your dad was an alcoholic. You're an alcoholic. That little booze hound gene is genetic. Your kids will likely have this same weakness. Be the example to show that it can be overcome. That you can put a stop to it affecting their lives and yours.

But don't have another fucking drink. You hear me you little dick snack? When you feel all weak and that little tiny cunt starts growing down between your legs and you start to go for that drink, you picture a little devil on your shoulder...that's me...and I'm whispering in your ear this:

"Don't be a weak ass bitch. Don't touch that drink. Get ripped and be one hell of a man. Teach your kids to be good humans. Teach them alcohol does not define you and it won't define them. Oh and later when all your shit is together and your life is good...go slay some pussy...be it your wife or some new chicks. Get that dick nice and wet...because you know...I still am the Devil."

Now go to that AA meeting. And if you want some extra accountability, update this thread daily saying you haven't taken a drink...update it for years and show some other little pussy that it can be done if you do it with some REAL help. Now go earn it...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If believing in the Higher-Red-Pill God will get you to never take another sip of alcohol again, then by all means embrace it.

I am pretty sure that is the first step.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I know.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

We could give you a lot of good advice.

But unless you get your drinking under control first, you'll have no ability to maintain and follow through.

So really stop crying about her, and cry for you. She should matter 1% in all of this and I'm being generous.

All the rest is window dressing.

became her favorite person again by treating her like royalty

I think you're painting this incorrectly. I'd imagine your best new quality was being reliable and sober.

Pedestalizing a woman by treating her like royalty is a great plan for making you a servant to her expectations and a lowering of you in her eyes as a leader.

Save yourself, find resolve or a support system (she ain't it) so you don't relapse... then worry about a relationship.

[–]redearththeory3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Recovery from alcoholism will probably be a prerequisite for you successfully applying MRP. This is because MRP requires a certain amount of emotional and mental toughness. If you are an alcoholic that's white-knuckling it to stay sober, you're going to be an emotional mess like this

But I'm totally fucked right now mentally, crying all the time

And its going to be virtually impossible to maintain the (mental, physical, spiritual) discipline required for what we do here. Doing the 12 steps thoroughly in AA with a tough sponsor would probably do it. Especially sorting out your anger and fear in steps 4 through 9. AA isn't the only way to treat alcoholism and there are probably other options that work. Therapy maybe, if you'll be honest with the therapist. But you need to change your emotional foundation so that you firstly don't need to drink all the time for emotional reasons like this

4 day bender being completely pissed off at how she talks to me, and being an emotional little bitch and ending up in the ER with panic attacks.

While you're fixing your emotional foundation, lift and get in shape. Then, when you don't need her or alcohol to sooth your emotional problems, the MRP stuff will start to work.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

How do I make myself awesome again, and let her see it, with text messages. Facebook bugs the shit out of me, but seems the best way to subtly show off the cool shit the kids and I are doing without her, and that I became a super dad.

Stop. Just stop.

  • Stop thinking that a few pictures of good parenting convince anyone that you're "fixed".
  • Stop thinking that being awesome for half the day makes up for being a drunk slob the rest.
  • Stop looking for validation from your wife, and take a hard sober look in the mirror.
  • Stop trying to get her to come back, and focus on fixing yourself for yourself and your 3 kids.

There's a reason you keep drinking, and I'm guessing it's related to the depression and/or anxiety that you describe. And even when you manage to pull things together for a stretch, you look at your life and all the negative feelings come back harder than ever. And having a wife and family are both a blessing (look, I must be a good person if these people love me) and a curse (how can I be such a shitty husband and father?), which just fuels the next round of drinking.

The only way you'll kick this shit is if you can own your problems. Not in the context of proving it to someone else, or as part of the MRP 12 step program to fix your marriage, but because you are a broken person who is using alcohol and women to cope with your problems. Understand that, you may think you're at rock bottom now... but as bad as these last 2 weeks have been, they are just another step down on the spiral. Maybe you're strong enough to stop this now, but it still sounds like you have to see the rest of your life destroyed before you can start picking up the pieces. (Please prove me wrong.)

Doing the math, your oldest must be 14 or 15 -- what do they think of you? I'm betting that they have been making excuses about your behavior for a while, trying to give their siblings some cover while you're on a bender. Or maybe they are getting sick of your shit, and as angry as your wife... just counting the days until they can leave too. If you want a reason to stop drinking... do it for the 3 kids you still have. When you wake up from your next round of drinking, look them in the eye and see what they really think of you, then hold that picture.

Forget blaming anxiety, the meds, or the drinking.

Forget blaming your wife for being angry. Or for leaving.

Forget saving the marriage.

Forget being awesome at all.

Forget what everyone else thinks about you. Or how little you think of yourself.

And just hold on to what you have right now, in front of you. Don't be a good parent just so that you can take a few pictures for Facebook, but be a good parent because that's what your kids deserve. If you don't stop drinking -- 100% and for good -- you will fuck up the only worthwhile thing left in your life.

[–]FRedington0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

MRP 12 step program

Is that "Minesota Recovery Program", "Mindful Recovery Program", "Married Red Pill program" or what?

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

In this case, I'm talking about applying dread to get his wife back. The 12 levels of dread are improving yourself to cause anxiety and mate-guarding in your SO. His post is all about blaming his woes on everything and everyone but himself -- alcohol, women, drugs, and "emotional weakness" -- and then trying to convince people that he's finally getting it together this time and that it will never happen again.

His problems start with himself (addiction, depression, co-dependency), and focusing on fixing anything external to himself (especially if its just trying to win her back) is putting the cart before the horse. Lifting, diet, dress, or frame are nice goals, but they are secondary to taking responsibility (to himself) for his own actions.

Edit: OP, the first step is admitting you have a problem: I drink because I'm an alcoholic.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Married Red Pill 12 Levels of Dread program. Works pretty good for a low sex situation and sexual denials. We don't know how well it works when your wife takes the kids and moves 6 hours away. Hopefully we will find out.

[–]rpcurious[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

UPDATE: Lifted for lunch, it really does wonders for anxiety. Hit an AA meeting tonight that I know to be full of a lot of men with their shit together, and went out of my way to get numbers and introduce myself. Hung out with my kids after.

Didn't text her except in positive response to pictures of the little kids having fun with her and her mom where they're at.

[–]whowouldathought010 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

just admitting you are an alcoholic is a huge step in the right direction. you will find that once you stop drinking, and continue lifting, the anxiety will decrease if not go away completely. alcohol and drugs will cause the depression and anxiety--too many dont realize this and think the opposite that it will help them with it which only makes things worse. keep going to that AA meeting and get a sponsor and life will improve then you can work on other areas of your life. best wishes

[–]The_LitzRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

No one here is going to help you, YOU are going to do it. You have come to the right place if what you want is to be the best man you can be. RP is not about getting your wife back, it is about being so awesome that she wants to be with you.

The good

You came to the right place.

You recognise you have an alcohol problem

You already started lifting.

The bad

You afflicted with oneites for your wife

You are in her frame. Everything in your post is about her.

You talk (text) too much.

You are still drinking.

She propably hasn't totally checked out yet, but she is not coming back because you are begging.

Men do. You have to start living the awesome life that is waiting for you. She doesn't need to see it on FB, she will know.

So buddy, off to the AA you go and start reading the sidebar on MRP.

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeh the oneitis is real. Therapists asked me if I'm addicted to her the same as the drink.

[–]Sapphire_Jizz1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You need to completely quit drinking.

Have you done that?

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Like I said, 2 week spurts of sobriety the past 7 months, Interrupted with "fuck her I'm going to the bar". I didn't drink today, and the plan is to do the same tomorrow.

[–]GC0W30Fat, needs discipline0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Interrupted with "fuck her I'm going to the bar".

If you can, get a membership to a 24 hour gym.

That way when she or the next one (if you ever live with one again) piss you off, you can leave the house and go somewhere that has never given anyone a DUI or charged them $30 to hang out for 90 minutes....

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My garage is my 24 hour gym, but I've considered getting a membership anyway to make sure my technique / form is right, and possibly meet healthy people.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Welcome to the party, pal.

http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

/u/ex_addict_bro helped me so I'll pass on the favor because it's been the single most important piece I've read since swallowing the pill. Just drop the bipolar portion of it and look at your behavior amongst the madness.

I mean, I could call you an alcoholic, but you aren't the sum of your symptoms. You aren't a victim any longer. Use the link to understand why you are damaged.

My alcohol use is WAY fucking down. I'm serious, how I'm not dead is beyond me. If you can do 12 days in a row, this information will help you.

PM me anytime you need to.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Fuzzy,

Sorry to break it for you but Shari articles are really in 90% about that other "significant other".

Reading them and reading some more things about codependency I noticed I am really reading a lot about ex wife (or my projections of her) and not about me.

Perhaps this is the first way to leave codependency - to project a lot of shit onto someone else because that is what codependent me is really good at. The next level is, I started to realize that this and that was my problem too.

So to sum it up, Sharis website gave me a lot of cool information on how my ex is evil, but this was still me living in her frame. Today I am more in my frame and start to realize that it really did not matter for me at all if I saved that marriage. I was broken in various ways before entering it. Now I focus on me. This is way more important.

Take care!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Oh, I know. It really explains my mother, if that's something I can even call her. But reading it put it all in perspective and that got rid of the hate pretty quickly. Which really helped me put it all behind me and focus on myself.

And it DID create codependency within me.

Then I got to see how I projected that onto...well everyone else. So while that information is about the significant other, its still been profoundly important to understand my place in it. And that did "heal" part of me, making it so much easier to say no to booze from moment to moment.

Plus, you get to see, in detail, the tactics of a crazy SO.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Mother and wife too. Sometimes they aren't that different.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My ex-fiancé and my mother. The only two women caring enough to pull a gun on me. But that shit ain't love, just familiarity. And with familiarity, I can gloss over reality with the greatest of ease.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly.

My problem was not other people. My problem was me trying to change other people. My problem was being with those people. My problem was tolerating hurtful behavior. My problem was not defending my borders, not taking care of myself.

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks man. Haven't ruled out BP yet, but have to get sober before I can get proper diagnosis. I read some of it already. Heavy duty.

Edit: BP as in bipolar

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You are old enough where you would almost certainly know if you have clinical Bipolar Disorder. I had my sister diagnosed halfway through my undergraduate Abnormal Psych class. It is a fairly regular and cyclical up/down extreme throughout most of the life course. The bigger the up, the bigger the down and they are roughly equal in time and severity.

Do you have any evidence of manic behavior like staying up all night, talking fast, and doing other stupid shit during your "manic stage" or making unreasonable purchases like suddenly putting thousands onto a credit card for a Hawaii vacation?

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, I've had stuff like that, not sure about time or severity because it's hard to objectively analyze yourself due to the nature of it.

I've got a psych appt. on the 8th, hoping to be clear enough of the booze effects to get a good diagnosis.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The good news and bad news is that most of the Bipolar meds are contraindicated with drinking alcohol.

While your at the Doctor have you thought about asking for antabuse?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Need your blood work done ASAP for the blood sugar levels. Quit consuming all the junk and alcohol.

1- read the side bar books in order

2- seak counseling for whatever issues causing your confidence problems as in your parents got divorced when you were a kid Realize we all have issues. It's how you deal with them that makes you complete, productive and responsible

3- kill the tv and video games and get rid of them

4- start supplements and clean diet. cooking and consuming clean food is 1/2 the battle. Kill the caffeine

5- call her with the phone and remember texting and email is for logistics

6- stop the oneitis, following her around shit, pedastal shit.

7 set up some goals that you can stick to

8 get rid of all the alcohol in the house

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

1 - in progress

2- 1 month in on the counseling

3 - I make video games for a living, that one's tough. I've cut back on playing, though

4 - this has always been an issue for me. And why no caffeine?

5 - Our relationship has always been texting all day while I'm at my desk

6 - how? lol. This part of RP is hardest for me. I married her because she's the coolest, most gorgeous woman I've met.

7 - AA, lifting, fixing my finances

8 - yep. 2 days now.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I want to save the relationship, she hasn't said 100% she wants a divorce, but she's definitely 6 hours away with my kids through the summer. How do I make myself awesome again, and let her see it,

Obviously you do the same things you have done before... get better for her, qualify yourself to her, and get some sex, then remind yourself that you have no other choices in life and do what ever she says. Rinse / repeat.

Or, you know, you could stop being a

Giant pussy.

WHY the fuck is she 6 hours away with YOUR kids? Go make yourself into a competent father.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You give up already?

[–]rpcurious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Edited my OP, and thanks for checking on me you sexy shoulder devil.

[–]ProMathlete0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Have you gone to AA meetings? You've got a lot of stuff I relate to and looking back on my drinking history were red flags that I had become alcoholic.

[–]plein_old0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think your emotions and thought process are not working optimally because of the long-term effects of alcohol.

Until you have stopped contributing to that problem, and have had some time to heal, you're simply not going to be in top form. It can take time to heal from these things I'm told.

Often she'd go stay at her mom's for a week and I'd play video games, drink and generally have an awesome time.

?

I think maybe you need some kind of peer group to talk about this stuff with, on a regular basis, and how it all connects possibly with the drinking.

[–]sh0ckley0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

First paragraph: http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf

You sound alcoholic but that's your decision.

If alcoholism is your problem then that is the very first thing that needs addressing... not how much you're drinking, because alcoholics don't have a problem with drinking, alcoholics have a problem with sobriety.

AA and a journey through the 12 Steps via The Big Book with a qualified sponsor is one proven Solution to alcoholism.

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I've accepted I'm alcoholic. I've read the big book. Even found an all men's meeting last night. Was fucking rad listening to old timers tell it straight, and without the reservation found at mixed meetings.

[–]sh0ckley1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great. Stay the fuck away from women at meetings. Do not give them your phone number. Imagine what they did to get there. Sadly, I speak from experience.

Once I saw the great fact that I was physically allergic to the drinking that had been a temporary solution to my thinking ... I realized that I was spiritually fucked, unless I became willing to have Hope that another man who had created his own personal hell would show me the way out. He did. That was 5 and 1/2 years ago and the tools I was given still work unless I'm a stubborn little bitch and refuse to use them.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do a NEW update post whether it's good or bad news. Either one will be good for you.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I became a blue pill in the past year by drinking all day and eating aintidepressants.

It wasn't in the past year. The fact you were Blue Pill led you to drinking, eating, and happy pills. If you don't start with the root cause it is not going to be easy.

I want to save the relationship

NONONONONONONONO! Try again. Repeat after me: I want to be a better man for myself and nobody else. If you want to "save it" you need to take this summer without kids and start learning PUA again. After you bang 4-5 girls hotter than your wife you will probably be ready to go get her and bring your family home- if you want to by that time.

How do I make myself awesome again, and let her see it, with text messages.

You want your wife to see you are awesome with text messages. Dude. Start on the sidebar. Read the books. Then when you figure out how you fucked up start studying PUA.

And quit drinking cold turkey. NOT ANOTHER DRINK THIS ENTIRE SUMMER. If you must text you wife something, text her that. Don't argue, don't make it a centerpiece, don't tell her if you are not going to show her. Can you avoid drinking for 3 months?

[–]rpcurious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The fact you were Blue Pill led you to drinking, eating, and happy pills.

I'll buy that.

If you want to "save it" you need to take this summer without kids and start learning PUA again. After you bang 4-5 girls hotter than your wife

I need to be a better man for myself and my kids. I still have 3 teenagers to raise at home and am focusing on doing rad shit with them all summer.

I can't be banging other women while I'm still married. If she or I send divorce papers, game on.

And quit drinking cold turkey. NOT ANOTHER DRINK THIS ENTIRE SUMMER. If you must text you wife something, text her that. Don't argue, don't make it a centerpiece, don't tell her if you are not going to show her. Can you avoid drinking for 3 months?

I see it's that or being a pathetic lonely slob like my dad / dying. So yes. 2 days sober today and I already feel like less of a piece of shit, and am already shaking my head at some of the shit I typed yesterday.



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