I broke probably all of Tomassi's iron rules when I was beta. One that sticks with me know is, she was my first and my dumb ass beta told her when we were dating. Her N count is higher. Iron rule 2 - never disclose. Ergo I have been in her frame for all of our marriage. I've given her all the security and she's given me all the dread. Interestingly enough, now that I'm losing weight, looking good, sexier, more confident, more unavailable, and fucking better than I have my whole life - she says, so how many girls have you at least dated? That'll make me feel better that maybe we're on more equal footing. Here's the subcommunication - you're hotter than me and have not have as many sexual experiences as me. I'm afraid you're going to cheat.
Like a chump though, I caved despite resisting. Edit: Detail for those that asked - I described the number of dates I went on and who I dated including people we both know. I immediately regretted it as soon as I said it, and I kept saying, why do you want to know? To which she said afterwards, see, that wasn't that bad. I don't know why you didn't want me to know.
Despite trying to establish my own frame, I'm still in hers. Why is it so hard to break and establish my own frame? Is this easier for those that have had many women? My gut says I need to number close to confirm to myself that I'm DHV. But that could also be my validation whore of a hamster. What have you other men (former white knights and cap'n saveaho's) done to get your own frame?
Edit: Thank you for the comments. This post was a post that came to me as I was reading rational male and I got to Tomassi's Iron Rules. It hit me so hard that I wondered how many other men also broke Tomassi's Iron Rules. For everything else in my life, I can work to get some measure of control and own. Career, fitness, health, money, home, etc. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, and I know how to get my head in the game to get there. This one aspect of my life, the relational with my wife, has been a fucking bear to wrestle with. The more I read, the more I puke and get angry at myself for being what I was. I also understand where that anger comes from, and that I HAVE to forgive myself. I didn't know. I was conditioned, and frankly, I'm lucky as hell I ever found this place. The fact is, I forgive myself every day. And I am taking it slow. But I still live with my wife, and I still screw up. Despite my failures and lack of frame, my sex life has never been better, and I've never had more confidence than I do now.
And it's slowly learning to assert myself, my wants, and my needs. I'll give you a for instance: I had a toothache yesterday. Called up the dentist and went. Normal you say right? I RESISTED THE URGE TO IMMEDIATELY CALL MY WIFE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PAIN AND TELL HER WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT IT. In my head I kept repeating to myself - I am a man who takes care of his life and gets things done. This is MY life. So yeah. Maybe I'm just a fucking pussy (ode to whinemoreplease), and maybe I'm just beta ass bitch. But I don't want to be, and I'm putting in the work to get there. I'll know I am when I don't have to have the internal dialogue anymore to actually get what I want.