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Unconscious spousal sabotage

Reddit View
April 15, 2016

Is it typical for the wife of a beta man to unconsciously try to sabotage his efforts to improve himself?

I started this journey about four weeks ago and just this past week I finally got my diet dialed in. And all fucking week my wife was trying to get me to eat extra sugary sweet stuff - some leftover chocolate pie she made (had a piece Sunday - it was delicious - didn't touch it since) and today some dessert at the restaurant that she didn't want to eat but didn't want to "go to waste."

In the past, whenever I'd tried to maintain an exercise program and hit a tired, low motivation day she'd inevitably encourage me to NOT exercise - I could do it another day! And I'd always listen and usually fall out of the habit.

My diet and exercise regime is my responsibility only - I understand that and own that fact. It definitely helps my motivation to deeply understand that I'm doing those things for me, myself and I. I hadn't really realized though how pervasive her subtly sabotaging behaviors are and were. Is this typical?

Post Information
Title Unconscious spousal sabotage
Author ornerycrank
Upvotes 9
Comments 18
Date 15 April 2016 10:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, it's easier than changing the label they have of you

[–]2gunsgetsome5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, and she doesn't even know she's doing it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not unconscious. She doesn't want you to change.

[–]rocknrollchuck3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, it's typical. For one, if you keep improving then it sets the bar higher for her as well. Also, it's a test to see if you are the real deal or if you'll go back to your old beta ways.

[–]tim_rp3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I think this is standard behaviour. I've got my diet locked down so for me it's a little prompt to "just give yourself a rest today" and what I'd call active disinterest in my progress.

I'd say it's a combination of guilt over her own habits and a protection method against the possibility of dread.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's trying to figure out the subtext of your refusal. She may think you're trying to tell her that she shouldn't be eating that stuff either. (And she's probably right - it may not be the main reason you said no, but it's on your mind. She's not stupid.)
The sabotage thing happens in some cases of very insecure wives, but most of the sabotage claims are just male solipsism. Maybe she thinks that eating cake is fun, or that you think she's fat, or you don't like her cake. Who knows... Just do your thing.
Edit: autocorrect wasn't correct

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, she doesnt want to lose control over her whipped good beta.

[–]ornerycrank[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm improving for myself and no one else - and that's what's different this time versus my prior aborted efforts to get in shape.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Is it typical for the wife of a beta man to unconsciously try to sabotage his efforts to improve himself?

Yes, very typical. They also do it to their sons and without a father in the picture "boys who can shave" is what we get.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are changing a pattern. Change is scary stuff man

[–]ornerycrank[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, she's overweight. She lost a ton of weight a few years ago (70 lbs) and has gradually put back on about 30 lbs. she's been trying to lose them again but hasn't had much success. Her mom is also fat as were both of her grandmothers. Men in her family are typically quite trim. While she watches what she eats she has no interest in researching nutrition and diet or listening to anything I have to say on the subject. Her only exercise right now is walking a few times each week.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've been called an idiot when I decided we need to hide our food inside cupboards and boxes so it isn't visible so I'm not tempted to eat something every time I walk into the kitchen.

I divorced her 5 years and 20% body fat later.

Read that book about obesity being a family issue. You're an addict, she's a codependent. She needs fat you to keep her thinking about herself in order. She feels threatened when you go slim.

[–]Reddened0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man your comment made me chuckle a bit. Yes it is pretty typical and I certainly experienced it with my wife. Prior to getting into TRP she always told me I didn't need to work out, liked me the way I was etc. It's really just insecurity, mate guarding, and a desire to not have to put in more effort themselves. They don't want you looking better and attracting a new woman, they don't want to feel insecure about their weight after you're looking all lean and muscular, and they don't want to have to work to improve themselves to keep up with you.


I've been lifting for awhile now and the changes are starting to become pretty noticeable. Guess who just bought a treadmill and a fitness tracker for herself?


So many guys try to get their wives/LTR to drop some weight, or some other form of self-improvement without putting any effort in themselves as the man in the relationship. Leading is the most effective way to get results from your wife; you have set an example and show her the way.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Is your wife overweight? Is this a family trait? Like parents, Uncles...aunts....

Where I am going with this is that often when someone "suddenly" decides to eat better, loose weight, others start pulling them down (research Crab Mentality). I don't know if these people know what they are doing, it doesn't really matter they are doing it. They will sabotage, criticize, and in rare cases get hostile.

It may or may not be a reaction to what you are doing, maybe it is, what else is going on? Just this one thing is hard to say.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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