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"Are you having an affair?"

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April 13, 2016
10 upvotes

tl/dr: wife asked if I was having an affair or something like that. She's noticed a change in me and that's surprising because I haven't been at this for very long.

I started my MRP journey about four weeks ago. I expect the process to take 18-20 months. I've read NMMNG and WISNIFG and I'm lifting. Benefits thus far have been entirely personal - I've been happier, more confident and more energetic since I began this journey and finally feel like I'm living my life with purpose.

Today I dressed extra spiffy for work for no particular reason. Think Sunday best - sportcoat, French cuffs dress shirt, nice new shoes (first new pair in four years!) and I looked pretty darn good. My wife didn't compliment my appearance - she hasn't in years. (I didn't realize until recently that this is a sign of her lack of attraction to me.) This used to really bother me but since MRP I've been able to let go of her approval and I honestly don't give a fuck if she compliments me on my appearance. I did receive many, many compliments on my appearance from students and colleagues, both male and female, all day. All the wife said was: "Why are you so dressed up?"

Anyway, later in the afternoon she texts me: "Are you having an affair?"
Me: An affair? No.
Her: Or something like one?
Me: Nope.
Her: You're just so different lately!
Me: ...

This was all over text so I purposely kept my responses short. My first instinct was to (beta) reassure her repeatedly and offer up all the logical and emotional reasons why I wasn't. Caught myself and kept the answer short. If we were in person I would have joked about ALL THE AFFAIRS I'm having ALL THE TIME but didn't think that would go over well via text.

I was quite surprised at her questions and comment. I've only lost 4 pounds of 70 and haven't been lifting long enough to see any kind of change. I always dress and groom well so that's not new. Biggest changes I can articulate: I'm walking and talking with more confidence. I've dropped my voice into it's natural low bass register instead of speaking in high, no-threat land. I'm also speaking more loudly. I'm carrying myself more confidently and assertively. I also feel significantly more energetic and happy and I think that shows. This has been, other than a nasty fight a couple of weeks ago, about the best I've felt over a four week period in years.

Since I'm still new to this journey and am still working my way through the reading list I have trouble identifying and handling shit and comfort tests. Is this a comfort test? Is there a better way I could have handled it? Should I be surprised that she's noticed a change already?

Finally: I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to this community and the larger external community. I truly feel that this process has saved my life.


Post Information
Title "Are you having an affair?"
Author ornerycrank
Upvotes 10
Comments 54
Date 13 April 2016 10:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207512
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4eo46q/are_you_having_an_affair/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGbetacomfort testliftNMMNG
Comments

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm13 points14 points  (18 children) | Copy

Hello dread, my old friend... I've come to talk with you again...

This is dread. You didn't cheat. You didn't emotionally manipulate her. Just started watching out for number one...you.

Keep at it. Mix in some beta with your alpha and let her know she's still your gal. You're not interested in other ladies...right now. Have fun...

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret3 points4 points  (17 children) | Copy

Hello dread, my old friend... I've come to talk with you again...

Heard the Disturbed version? Better than the original. But I was never a big S&G fan.

[–]KyfhoMyoba1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Disturbed is ... haunting.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Better than the original which is rare. Kodachrome S & G's high point IMO.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Agree. There's only been a few songs in my life that have haunted me for months. Disturbed did it.

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

It's great. I LIFT heavy weights to it.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Oh I need something with more pump than that. Its too contemplative. I have a PandoraOne station seeded with Skrillex, AWOLNATION, Blackmill, and Martin Garrix for lifting.

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It changes for me. I often lift to classical music. Often country. Often rock. Whatever suits the mood. But I can bust some crazy squats to that song.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Looks like I'll have to branch out!

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Nope. But I'll check it out.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Tell me what you think.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

The vibe in the beginning reminded me of this other remake. (Gary Jules owns that song now.) Disturbed added a slight symphony feel midway that offsets his tonal growl by using some orchestral percussion. It kept it from devolving too far. It's a good remake. They gave the original an homage at the beginning but made it their own by the end.

The video however drove me a bit nuts. The shots of the lead singer seemed like they were done with a DSLR video camera but they didn't apply any grain in post to reduce the 'video' feel. The other shots didn't have that as much so I found it visually jarring. I had to stop watching it and just listen.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah the video wasn't the greatest. I liked the first minute or so, but the animation and effects seemed half baked.

What captured my attention was his range (over two octaves), and the way the gravel in his voice progressed until he was basically roaring. I'm also a huge classical geek, so the symphonic sound and timpani got my goose pimples up.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Listen to Ravel's Bolero if you enjoy a nice classical build up with some good percussion.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Its alright. Good buildup. I prefer the styles of Chopin, Rachmaninnoff, Saint-Saens, later Tchaikovsky, early Scrabin, etc. My favorites are Rach's and Saint-Saens' 2nd piano concerti. Edit: I'm a little more classical/romantic, less romantic/modern.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Bolero is the row row your boat of classical music.

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Damn you...song is now stuck in my head.

I had just gotten the G6 song out of my head Jack10 quoted the other day. Stupid slizards...

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You know that tune that pops into your head whenever you don't have anything to think about? I'll be driving down the freeway, sun shining, birds chirping, wind blowing my hair, happy look on my face, then my brain goes... hello, darkness, my old friend... When I first heard it, it was literally weeks before I could hear anything else.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's great that you feel good about getting your self together - keep going. I think your initial estimate of 18-20 months is reasonable, although no doubt you'll start to see improvements before then.

Not knowing your wife at all, I'm guessing it may have been more of a put down - a shit test. Shes noticed that your improving, but she refuses to complement you on it, so instead she finds something negative to say about it. It could also be a meaningless coincidence. Either way it's just noise.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is about you, not her. Nothing that she says or does or doesn't say or do really matters.

[–]ornerycrank[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes! I'm doing this for me, 100%. Living life with purpose is wonderful.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

"No, I'm having multiple affairs"

"Life is an affair"

"No, but I am cheating on you"

"Yes, I'm in love with under water basket weaving"

This is a shit test and a direct answer is a fail. Next time be more vague and remember that brevity is the soul of wit. She'll act pissed but she secretly loves it.

[–]starista1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why will she secretly love it?

Fwiw - you're right - we do love talk like that. Curious though as to why.

-trying to rationalize

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Every self-improvement change we do has the added side effect of checking off every item in the "is he cheating list" you'll find in every other issue of Cosmo.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Instead of capitalizing on the opportunity, you answered what she asked you but failed to do it properly. A&A would have been perfect. Sounds like she's hunkered down in her corner and the hamster fear is setting in. You'll get another chance at this question soon. Be ready.

[–]youcantdenythat3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was over text. Be careful about doing A&A over text, it can cause misunderstandings or sound beta as fuck. Better to maintain frame and keep replies short with long pauses.

[–]ornerycrank[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I didn't want to A&A over text - but later in the evening I gave her a passionate kiss goodnight and told her "that's how I kiss the women I love!" to get the hamster running a bit. She responded appropriately, I thought.

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"An affairs? What makes you think I'm having just one?" <slap-ass, kiss>

The last part is important; it denotes playfulness.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

More confidence and probably much better subcoms AND you are dressing up. Bro I put dressing up a the way at level 5 for a reason. It is extremely potent when a girls kept little beta starts to dress up. It is turbo charged hamster food. Gratz!

[–]opening_eyes0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You know I never really understood why dressing up was so high on the list. It is the easiest thing to do, willpower- and personality-wise. A hundred bucks and an hour at Marshalls is way easier than learning how to pass shit tests or putting in hours at the gym.

But this comment of yours clinched it for me. It is like using a megaphone and a giant spotlight in woman language. They put such energy on shopping and picking out each outfit ('just 5 more minutes... I have nothing to wear!!!!').

For you to put in any nominal amount of energy above your baseline in terms of wardrobe is going to get noticed and going to sound alarms. WHY IS HE DOING THAT ALL THE SUDDEN?!?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you start dressing up right away it is not congruent. You have to build into the kind of man that is a threat to dress up first.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

subcommunication is the shit.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret0 points1 point  (20 children) | Copy

Mine thinks I'm cheating. I'm lifting, dieting, new clothes, not having her shit, idgaf on sex denial, gaming her, busy more often, abundance mentality. I'd be suspicious if I were her. But it doesn't seem like a good thing. I think its fucking up the affection she would otherwise have for me and I'd be interested to hear about a way to mitigate it. I try to up the comfort without being beta I'm not sure that really works.

[–]its-iceman1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

Did you turn all of that on in a super short period of time? If you started doing all that shit in a week it would make sense that she goes into panic mode.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

No, slowly building over 6 months and I was doing some of it (lifting, being busy) before MRP. She was pregnant for 5 months of that 6 of so I was going super slow.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can have a sincere moment with her where you overtly tell her that you want to be with her. Then joke that what woman wouldn't want a super model of a man...

Finally whip your dick out and spin it while chasing her around the house with it. Kidding don't do that. Not yet.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You can have a sincere moment with her where you overtly tell her that you want to be with her.

I try to do that every couple weeks since it feels like I'm short on comfort. I do the dick thing even more frequently.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes yes...but do you also sing...

Spinning dick is gonna get you Spinning dick is gonna get you Spinning dick is gonna get you The spinning dick is gonna get you tonight

And declare your self the Miami Sex Machine? Do you? I didn't think so.

[–]Boesman120 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That is now my opener for tonights repertoire.

Will finish with: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.....

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'd be suspicious if I were her. But it doesn't seem like a good thing. I think its fucking up the affection she would otherwise have for me and I'd be interested to hear about a way to mitigate it. I try to up the comfort without being beta I'm not sure that really works.

if you want to, give her the gift of your time in an intimate but not necessarily sexual way.. maybe charged but not outright sexual.

take a bath with her or something. Works for me.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

if you want to, give her the gift of your time in an intimate but not necessarily sexual way.. maybe charged but not outright sexual.

This is a good idea and I'll try to do something significant like this in the next few days. I'm already doing some things like that but I think I should step it up. In the past we've had serious problems with covert contracts (thinking she owes me sex as a part of marriage) and me threatening the relationship if she didn't "meet my needs as a husband". I'm currently trying to fix that slowly by frequently being affectionate without initiating and never pressuring her or getting angry at sex denial (which she watches for like a hawk). The bath is a good idea and would probably help with this.

[–]MRPguy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Give her some comfort. It's about push AND pull. So, continue to do things that she wouldn't expect but make sure that she is on the receiving end of some of them.

Set the table and cook a dinner just for the two of you. Drag her outside to the local park and throw the frisbee and then have a snack on a blanket, etc.

EDIT: I see below where you say you are short on comfort, so yes, more of it, but ON YOUR TERMS and PROVIDING VALUE TO HER.



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