Ok, But What About Love?

So, tell ya what, buddy. I'm gonna make this really simple for you. Everyone's going to tell you that your question is retarded, and Red Pill is all about you, and blahblahblah. But you actually seem introspective and self-aware, despite the pathetic phrasing of your question vis a vis "love," to already know all that. So I'm going to give you that advice, but in a way that will make it seem like your choices aren't this shitty dichotomy between sexual frustration and dying alone.

De-risk your downside. You'll stop being so afraid of your "rock bottom." I have a few friends in the entertainment industry, and nearly two decades ago, one of them finally got a potential "break" for one of his scripts. I asked him if he was nervous -- finally, all his hard work could pay off, how could he even sleep at night? A he said, Dude, if this works out, all this means is that I'm finally able to grab on to the lowest rung of the ladder in this industry. But if I fell off, exactly how far am I going to fall? And if you saw a day in this guy's life, it wasn't a successful life by typical metrics but it was a good life. He lived with two good friends a few miles from the beach. He'd work on his writing from 8am to 3pm, then he'd work as a personal trainer in the afternoon and evening, and bartend on weekends -- both jobs left him with no shortage of dating options.

He later theorized the reason why so many people don't "make it" in Hollywood is their downside is too de-risked. They are having too much fun, irrelevant to their success, that it's easy to not be disciplined about being successful. Like my friend said, falling off that first rung of the ladder doesn't hurt that much, so who cares if you fall? Is it possible for an Abundance Mentality to backfire if you have too much abundance? So many appealing secondary options that you don't even care if you ever accomplish your primary one? Something to think about.

But hopefully it's painfully clear to you that you have the opposite problem. You have no abundance, not just with sex, but really any interpersonal relationships of any kind. So, time to change that. Go do shit, and make some friends. Making new guy friends is simultaneously stupidly simple and really hard, because it mostly consists of show up, do something with other guys, bond over time. That's it. Show the fuck up, work hard at whatever your shared goals are, be friendly. You don't even need to be particularly social, although of course that helps. It's really that simple. It will take several months, if not years, which is why it's hard. But that's it.

This will accomplish two things. One, on whatever ladder you feel you're clinging on to, you'll start being able to see the floor. Two, these new social bonds will get you out of the house, get you away from being butthurt about your wife's latest sexual rejection, and any "distance" she perceives will be authentic and organic behavior from you, not just some calculated posturing to induce a particular anxious emotional reaction. Three, the social bonds could actually enhance your relationship. New people to hang out with, new people for you to invite over for dinner, new people with kids your friends may become friends with.

Four -- given your barren social life, I'm almost positive your wife's contempt for you is akin to how a mother feels about a cloying and touchy toddler some days. You've demanded so much of her attention over the years that suggesting more attention -- ie. sex -- always comes across as some sort of "last straw" for her, which is why she reacts with such hostility. You're like a toddler whining about candy, and you get some candy, and then you go, "but I want the cherry-flavored kind!" Any wonder why she's so quick to go, "no, are you fucking kidding me!?" Same when you get sick. Yeah, it's showing weakness, which is distasteful to most women, but it may be especially aggravating to your wife, who feels you were already being cloying and needy enough in your everyday existence, that a physical illness garners zero extra sympathy from her.

You may not feel you were doing this in particular, but you may have been. I know from my first marriage, my wife hated when I stayed in and watched TV like a loser whenever she did anything social with her girlfriends. And she'd snark, so, all you did the past four hours was keep watching this Real World marathon? And I'd ask her what the fuck her problem was, and she'd just roll her eyes and act exasperated. She did her thing, I did mine, what the fuck did it matter? But it just reinforced how she was pretty much single social bond, which gets really fucking wearying even if that bond isn't asking anything of you. Some guys here have the inverse situation -- after an hour or two with a buddy at happy hour, they start thinking, Hmm. I should probably get back home. Because they feel burdened that without their presence, their spouse is just boredly spinning her gears in front of the TV or a smartphone screen, and they feel bad about that.

It's like leaving an elderly loved one with Alzheimer's in front of the TV all day. Are you going to feel good about that, even if they don't care enough to complain to you?

So, that's my prescription. Make some friends. Stop putting the burden of social bonds on your wife. I suspect her reactions to your fitness, like how you mentioned she started jogging again, isn't some reflexive "oh no he's getting sexier so I need to step up my game," but rather a relieved, Oh, he's actually doing something out of the house and exercising. Maybe I can exercise again too, now that it's something we're both doing. So, do more of that. She'll probably do more of her own thing. This is actually good. In the meantime, I'd suggest putting a moratorium on sex. It's painfully clear you are hamstering way too much every time you get sexually rejected, so just stop. If you can't audition for casting calls without breaking down into a hot mess every time, then maybe stop auditioning for awhile.

Eventually your wife will say something like, "hey stranger" or "I feel like I haven't seen you all week." This is her missing you, missing your presence, something that might be a very rare feeling in your marriage. It might even come be a Shit Test, where she rants about you "being out of the house all the time." Agree/amplify, slap her on the butt, say, "Aw, you miss me honey?" When you get to this point, you can try initiating sex again.

You can't make your wife love you. But you can do things to make your life less shitty if you conclude she'll never love you the way you want, and need to end the marriage. And doing those things may actually make her love you the way you do want.

It's not that easy, but it is that simple. Best of luck.