[911] I mate guarded and the guy told my wife

Griever114 · 2016-02-10T03:17:02+00:00

If you have the balls to mate guard, have the balls to deal with your wife

Mr_Happy_42 · 2016-02-10T04:10:38+00:00

Let me understand the chain of events:

1-Guy private messages your wife for a meeting. Not important what it is for.

2- You look at wife messages then confront guy to back off.

3- Guy talks to your wife at gym, or wife talks to guy privately behind your back.

4- After their huddle, Wife leaves gym suddenly, then won't answer your calls. Odd. Maybe she is afraid? Feeling guilty? Is worried about nuking her marriage? Following his directions?

5 - Later You re-confront guy and he tells you to stay away from him - odd. Is he afraid? Feeling guilty? Following your wife's directions?

And now, you are afraid she is pissed at YOU?

Is she mis-directing you with her statements about being sick of your jealous behavior? A common ploy of a cheater.

Somewhere in all this SHE has defined the problem as you being jealous. You are completely in her frame. So much so that you are directing your attention to blame Guy, and blame yourself; but where is your indignation over HER behavior?

It might be time for you to start defining the problem as HER secretive behavior and your reasonable concern.

And yes, it is time for a chat with the guy's wife, with your wife in attendance. Just to be sure there are no mis-understandings and to clear the air of your reasonable concerns.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-02-10T13:08:36+00:00

OK, /u/over60_stupid_loner

First off, on the face, when it comes to if a guy is/trying to sleep with your wife, I'd defer to him for advice on that. he's been that guy for longer than I've been alive, he knows what to look for.

Now with that aside, here's what I see;

You probably have laid your first boundary in god knows how long, and guess what? You've been such a pushover for so long, that they both immediately call your bluff. And it looks like they are right, because you're panicking right now. That is the feeling of your illusion of self worth running headfirst into the reality of your self worth.

I can say how I would deal with this, and it would probably sort things out (one way or another) but I might as well just give you the parts to a bomb and tell you to get building...

You have noticed a giant elephant in the room, which you refused to deal with for the time it took him to grow into the specimen he is today, that's on you. Right now, you need to let go of any semblance of fair play, or take anything you currently have in your life for granted. you're just too late to the party.

I kind of wish you went numb after this. It would make it much easier for what I would suggest you do now. Go to MRP, read all the sidebar books, get your ass to the gym (since you haven't seemed to mention her not going with you, I'm guessing you don't go) and generally build your self worth to be more in line with where you thought it was. Theres a lot of ego protection and bullshit you have to deprogram out of yourself too, because it's fucking cringe-worthy to read. I'm guessing if you actually followed through with your boundary on this guy, he would probably kick your ass, and your wife would console him for his bruised hand. Start applying the 12 levels of dread. /u/bluepillprofessor just finished and released his book describing these things in great detail.

And once you have a base (or preferably before) start to get an idea about what the fuck you actually want out of this, because just going with the flow is going to get you fucked.

And... you have a daughter. guess you're playing for keeps now. Get someone who knows more than you about custody, preferably with a law degree. Theres a wealth of knowledge out there from divorced guys, I'm sure they can give you some of it, if you post it as a question. The common ones I see are logging your good parenting, recording all conversations where she shits on you etc.

So yeah, you're not going to be able to do anything about this, so you might as well start working on you, heaven forbid you are the kind of man who is taken seriously when you tell someone to stop flirting with your fucking wife, and she... perhaps thinks twice about doing so.

As for your immediate situation, say nothing, do nothing, react to nothing. It's in the air now, everyone knows you know, and that you aren't happy about it, all any more talking will do is give them room to shame you into crying about it alone while he tries/does fuck your wife and laugh about it.

Get to work

EDIT:

She said she is going to her parents in the morning and she's done and wants to go our separate ways.

Ha! battle lines are drawn, you've got a genuine threat in your house, act appropriately

She also asked for her wedding ring back

Spacey says it better than I could

I handled the situation by offering to talk, saying I messed up bad and apologized. No further explanations.

Fuck, too late. You basically had her kick you in the nuts, and are proud because you didn't allow her to spit on you afterwards

victim puke soon

don't. no one gives a shit, you aren't a sad little victim, you're a pathetic man. You want a conversation? Post about how you've owned your shit, lay out your failures so you can deal with them, and throw up a fucking plan. Everyone here will be more than happy to fine tune it to perfection, and hold you to task on its implementation. But don't for one second think we are going to sit here with you and call her a bitch all day

6TimesDown7TimesUp · 2016-02-10T02:26:50+00:00

What's your background? Do you lift? What sidebar materials have you read? How long have you been unplugging?

Without that it makes it a bit tougher to give advice other than say, mate guarding, you're doing it wrong.

I'm all for boundaries, but it you're talking to the wrong person about this issue by talking to rock climbing dude.

Then talking to him again? About where and what your wife was doing?

No. Just stop.

Talk to your wife about this issue if even that. IDGAF and STFU would be better options but your hamster has fast and furious'd way past that point.

Sometimes when you really, really fuck up the best thing to do is own your shit and apologize.

Then get back to lifting, STFU and IDGAF and work through all the sidebar materials. Read Tomassi and all the MRP vets stuff on things like this and you'll have some better info to help you stop losing your shit instead of owning it.

Good luck.

Tamnaeuth · 2016-02-10T02:19:49+00:00

The guy is a douchebag. Message his wife on FB, say you asked him to keep his distance, they have been messaging on FB, and even after that he went to your wife to say you asked him to keep distance. Just mention that you get a weird vibe and think it is inappropriate but he still persists.

See how he likes it when you go to his wife, which is what he has done to you. Don't back down, escalate, if he fucks you over, fuck him over as well.

If his wife doesn't care, publicly shame him. Tell others you think he acts inappropriate with your wife, play the victim and people will sympathize for your plight. Make him look like the douche bag.

Is he an instructor or does he hold a position at the gym? or just a friend?

cj_aubrey · 2016-02-10T05:33:03+00:00

Your real problem is that you care more about what your wife thinks than whats right for you and your family. Do what's right for you as a man and for your family. Don't apologize for it since that is sufficient justification for anything you'll need to do. What's with the 911? You think she'll leave because you told some asshole to leave her alone?

EDIT: Clearly more to this than the original post. OP, read all the prerequisites (so you at least understand the real issues) and post a proper summary. When my wife was threatening divorce people told me "women don't leave improving men". If you've made some progress you'll probably get another shot at her.

Mr_Happy_42 · 2016-02-10T11:09:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

FearDearg2015 · 2016-02-10T11:51:09+00:00

Do I fog, apologize, what do I do? This is the second time she'll know I looked at her phone and she's already sick of my jealous behavior in the past (nothing this bad).

First off, you wonder if you should apologise. Apologise for what? Be specific. What do you feel you need to apologise for?

Every action you ever took, or will ever take, has consequences. Some are predictable consequences, and some are potential consequences. You are responsible for the consequences of your actions. You've got to this point, I suspect, by not taking ownership of that fact. You are taking action without proper regard for the consequences. And you are seeking advice about what action you should take next, once again deferring (or trying to defer) responsibility for the consequences that may come of that action.

My advice to you is to think carefully about what you desire as an outcome from the actions you will take going forward. What is your mission objective? What do you intend to make happen? It is important then to validate that objective. Is it achievable? Is it practical? What actions could you take to achieve it? What might be the consequences of those actions? Side effects? This process loops round a bit until you settle on a plan of action with which you are aware of and can tolerate the consequences. Some of the consequences might be unknown, but you'll be aware of where the variables are. Then, you take action.

she's already sick of my jealous behaviour in the past.

So what? What difference does that make for you and your life? Want to stop her being sick of your jealous behaviour? Stop being jealous, or stop getting caught, or whatever. Don't just apologise, and promise to be a good little boy, and then just go and repeat the behaviour that got you here. That's weak as fuck.

[deleted] · 2016-02-10T23:07:26+00:00

Late to the party... but my 2 cents are:

Probably would have been better if you had this conversation with your wife instead of him a la "It's not appropriate. Let him know or I will."

But it didn't go down that way so what do you do now?

It's a bit beta when this shit happens , but the lesser apes are going to test the Silverback, that shit you have to laugh off and watch your wife for her reactions, BUT IMO this guy has his own wife, so his fuckery and sneakiness is less normal or even slightly respectable.

In the grand scheme of things: if she doesn't like having to forgo the deep validation,quasi dates, emotional affairs and setting up for 'oops his dick slipped in me' moments she shouldn't have pegged you down in a marriage. Any time she wants to go back to being single and rejoining that game tell her you'll help her pack.

?What do you do?

Were you wrong?

Let her know next time she needs to handle orbiters quicker or you will continue to.

And then up the hell out of your game. That guy might have just been an "I shoot for all targets, fucker" or he may have sniffed an opportunity.

She needs mate guarding, not the other way around.

Shit man, that guy leads with rock-climbing. You know why that works? Puts him in a quasi rescuer role while simultaneously upping the excitement factor. Allows for a lot of "helpful" touching. You're only paranoid if it isn't true. Admire his balls, but in your case ...fuck that guy...he's prowling on your turf. GRAB STICK BEAT CHEST. OOO OOOOOOOOO

[EDIT: A.M. opportunity...that's exactly what I'd be inclined to do if my wife complained about it afterwards, just look at her, thump my chest and go "OOOO OOOOO".]

fasterpussycatdie · 2016-02-11T15:32:30+00:00

Your wife is a whore and not worth keeping around. You are a weak man with no agency.

Work on yourself, raise your value as a man for your children to look up to.

Dump this useless raging cunt that brings frustration and anger and no value to your life.

And next time, keep your goddamn mouth shut and punish behavior you don't like by removing your time and affection. Adopt a don't give a fuck attitude, woman is replaceable.

JESUS FUCK

[deleted] · 2016-02-11T17:05:05+00:00

Your problem isn't with the guy who asked her to hang out. Your problem is with your wife who is private messaging other men on Facebook.

It's not another man's job to honor your wife's marriage vows. It's your wife's job to honor her own marriage vows. It's not his duty to refrain from interfering in her marriage. It's her duty not to step outside the marriage.

The problem isn't him. The problem is her. She is the one you needed to confront. She is the one who is misbehaving. She is the one who is in the wrong here.

Your marriage is between you and your wife; not between you, your wife, and another man she's talking to.

TheRabbitTunnel · 2016-02-12T17:41:12+00:00

I hate to break it to you, but its likely your wife isn't innocent in this. If this guy had to chance with her and she showed no interest, its more then likely he wouldn't have said this to her. Given that he even bothered to talk to her about its, its likely that they are "a thing" and he was letting her know her husband is onto them.

If I were you, I'd let her stray, make sure you have the evidence of it, and divorce her. Your wife wouldn't be mad at you for looking threw her phone/mateguarding if she was loyal.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-02-16T19:18:20+00:00

Women are so fucked up.

I have a female friend who has been beaten, smacked around, cut, and burned by her BF. Beating the hell out of her kept her coming back for more. Calling her garbage was just fine. Going hot-cold-hot-cold with days when he wouldn't even talk to her just made her want to fuck him more.

ONLY when he started to get jealous did she decide to leave him.

AnarchoSurfer · 2016-02-20T01:19:02+00:00

How many male friends does she have? They aren't friends, they're orbiters hoping for sex.

Squeezymypenisy · 2016-02-10T02:29:48+00:00

If they end up cheating, fuck his wife.

Title	[911] I mate guarded and the guy told my wife
Author	Mr_Happy_42
Upvotes	14
Comments	88
Date	10 February 2016 01:57 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/207675
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/450axy/911_i_mate_guarded_and_the_guy_told_my_wife/