To nuke or not to nuke, that is the question.

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February 5, 2016


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Title To nuke or not to nuke, that is the question.
Upvotes 10
Comments 54
Date 05 February 2016 08:52 PM UTC (5 years ago)
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[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret4 points5 points  (14 children) | Copy

I went through something similar. Strong feeling something happened in the distant past, but no evidence. I'll never know if anything happened, but my obsession with this, and specifically the fact that it fucked with me so much, was about my ego and me using her to meet my approval needs (cheating being the ultimate disapproval). Eventually, when I no longer needed her approval, I realized it doesn't matter what she did. If I have evidence of current (or recent past) infidelity I'll leave since that's a boundary I've set.

How do you stop caring if your woman has no respect for you, lies and cheats.

Realize that she isn't important and IDGAF what she does because I don't need anything from her emotionally. But if you have evidence, then leave.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

How is the relationship now?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

My head says I'm over thinking it but my gut says she cheated.

I've tried to just forget about it and the behavior has decreased over the last 6 months but I just cant let it go.

I'm tired of being with a women I don't trust but we have a child (2 year old) and that is my priority.

How do you stop caring if your woman has no respect for you, lies and cheats.

How do you reconcile these issues with yourself? With no kids, I'd nuke this shit and walk away but I must consider my kid first.

Please oil your hamster wheel.

Do you see how many times and ways that you said you want to take care of your child?

You don't really know what she did and at this point it is probably TOO LATE to find out.

Anything involving asking her won't work.

Do you see how many times you said you want to and need to put this behind you?

...but I cant NGAF about this, and I'll possibly never know the truth.

I think you have your own answer, now tell your hamster to STFU.

BUT IF YOU THINK SHE STARTS CHEATING AGAIN - have the money ready, (and the commitment), to hire a PI and be done with it.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Unfortunately there's no simple answer here. There's pretty much only 3 possible outcomes if you want to stay with her:

  1. You call her on it and she lies and you're stuck where you are now. You could maybe frame it as if you already have evidence and see what she gives up, but if she's smart she'll know you're full of shit and you're back to square one.

  2. You call her on it and she never actually cheated, then you come across as beta and insecure and she'll lose respect for you.

  3. You choose to not give a fuck about the past and focus on moving forward. Become the prize and make the thought of cheating on an awesome guy like you unthinkable to her.

I've thought back about nights when my gf was out late when I was blue pill as fuck. I don't have any concrete evidence or anything, just vague "what ifs". I choose to not worry about it right now. Honestly, I was so blue pill I probably would have stayed with her anyway at the time. Not anymore. She's reacted very well to this new me and I just focus on moving forward. If she cheated now, or even so much as kissed another guy we would be done. That's just my personal story and feelings about it. There's no way I could verify anything now as it was years ago. I've honestly thought at certain times about paying a handsome guy with solid game a couple bucks to hit on her at work and see how she reacts, but I trust her now and check on her phone and stuff on occasion. However, AWALT so just hope you got one on the better end of the spectrum. She's not very tech smart so she would have a hard time covering all of her tracks, or at least I think but I'm sure she could suprise me for the right guy.

Anyways, check out some key logger stuff if you still think there's something ongoing and bust that shit asap, if it's in the past though, you're pretty much stuck with those 3 choices or nuke it on a gut feeling. Good luck brother.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Answer these for yourself :

  • Do you blame her for cheating on a drunk captain? What did you do prior to her possible cheating to make yourself attractive ( ie why did she potentially fuck another guy)

    • If your relationship is not good now, how much is due to your residual anger?
    • Are you happy with what you have with her now?

At the end of the day, if you think she cheated, and can't prove it to yourself, you will also be unable to accept evidence of her innocence. You will think that anything she ever tells you about that event or any other "suspicious" activity is tainted, unless you can get it through your head that if she cheated, she acted within her biological imperative at the time.

Can you handle that?

That is all it is. You can never trust her once you think you cant, especially if you can not prove it to yourself.

So, is she worth it now?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

On the strategy of:

don't call her out on it, if she is, you will only get trickle truth at best, and plain lies at worst. Then she will hide things better (assuming they are there). Now I go with the assumption that a guys instinct on these things is there for a reason, so if you have to bullshit yourself into thinking it's nothing, there's probably something there.

If you really want this piece of mind so you can make a decision, I would suggest think through your limit. What would it take for you to throw in the towel. emotional affair? Making out with a dude? blowjob? fucking him? at the expense of parent duties? Deception of any kind?

If you aren't willing to divorce her over it, child or not, than you don't care, and need to get over it. this is about owning your shit in that regard. there is no right answer here.

If you want to deal with it.

I really should save more of these links I refer to, way back in here, was a reference to the rollo article about girls nights out, or maybe some of the reading on the sidebar.

the one line I remember was 'that isn't appropriate behavior for a married woman' But there was a lot more about it than I could give here. The gist was to set a boundary, and be prepared to enforce it. Do you really care about cheating, or is it more important right now to avoid the possibility of deception? This is the exact kind of exestential question my post on mental models addresses. You need to know what the underlying emotion and reason you are in the state you're in, and not the bullshit you think it is. No matter how bad it sounds, keep asking yourself why something bothers you until you get into the banality, that's pretty much the REAL why.

The one simple thing you can do, tell her to give you her phone, and then stfu and watch her. That will probably tell you everything you need to know. This is the kind of thing you have to have a strong frame to pull off, because the more guilty she is, the more shit, shame and pressure you will get to avoid it. If you don't have frame, you can always grab it when she's in the shower and scan the obvious.

If you want to be a spy

I would suggest having the line I talked about in the first para in your head before you even start down the rabbit hole. This shit tends to involve a lot of ego protection and hamstering if you aren't prepared. Be aware, this beta shit is a necessary evil if you do it, and is a huge loss of frame, abundance. But you are your own judge.

Can't find it at the moment, but there is the adultery busting post linked here, with all the spyware. I don't like reading it, it's like taking an alex jones podcast as gospel, gets me paranoid. I'm sure someone has it and can link. Keep in mind that with smartphones, if she's clever enough, theres no way you will find out, short of GPS tracking her car etc. Would be a good time considering what state your relationship is in if this is what you have to do for peace of mind. the suggestion was for GPS trackers, one in the car, one in the purse, voice activated recorders, dr. fone sofrware, the works. Any james bond fantasy here. If/when she catches one of them, be prepared, since at this point, I would worry if ones frame could handle it. I would suggest a time limit to this stuff, just in perpetuity seems weird to me, if you're unsure for that long, might just be easier to say fuck it.

Or you can do what /u/ultimatecad did, give her enough rope to hang herself. set up a gps tracker in her car, ask her innocently some questions you know the answers to, see if the answers jive. You won't know what happened, but you'll know she was lying. For him, it was enough for him to take action.

For me, simple social media and phone perusal when the opportunity presented itself. Saw what I needed to see, didn't say anything further, or confront her. Though for me, she came clean, with no chance of me finding out otherwise, which fucked me up for a while. Kind of went against everything I've come to know about cheating women, and it took me a while to get over the trickle truth fear.

At the end of the day, I have a trust, but verify attitude. There's been many emotional cry fests early on to my MAP, a main event, and very clear demonstrations that I am prepared to move on if I get the impression I'm being taken advantage of.

I don't think I would have gotten there with a GPS tracker.

[–]Trekneck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can do one of two things. You can accept that she may have cheated in the past, let it go and chalk it up to whatever you'd like, or you can leave and continue to make yourself happy.

Staying, especially after finding out the truth, is a very difficult thing to do and is not for everyone. For many, myself included, staying is the better option as it can fuck up the long game (financially, kids, move out of state, etc). Weigh your options and figure out if you can deal. Respect will never reach it's original levels, but it can come back a bit. Trust, same thing. You'll always have that nagging thought in your mind when a trust based issue comes up, reminding you that you always need to do one thing: Trust, but verify.

If you can live with that, then you might be able to stick around. If that's ultimately what YOU want to do.

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If I was in your position I would have a pros and cons list. You have to see if she adds value to you and your relationship. You kid will always be your kid, stop using it as a crutch.

Since you run the finances, have your cell phone provider send you a detailed 6 month billing cycle. You will see how many times she was texting a particular number. Take her phone if she has an iphone and back it up and restore the deleted messages. To be fair if my gut feeling was as yours I'd want to know too.

It isn't hard and this will give you enough to either kill your hamster or nuke the fcuking thing cause living with this knot in your gut every morning sucks. I don't subscribe to the I was the fault of her cheating when I was a Beta Bitch so I will put it behind me and move on to me being so awesome it wont happen again. Any hint of it for me= scorched earth. I can still be awesome just not with her.....

[–]trp_dude0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I went through something similar. I think a lot of guys, when they swallow the pill, realize "Shit, I left the back gate open! Some dude might have been sneaking in while I wasn't paying attention!

What got me over this, with help of good folks on marriedrepill, were:

1) Realization that AWALT. Even if I leave my wife and find another one, there is no guarantee she won't cheat. There is no such thing as a woman who is guaranteed to be faithful. Read the Sperm Wars. We're not a monogamous species.

2) This post by jacktenofhearts

3) True OI and focus on me. I had to wean myself off depending on my wife for my self worth

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You read like a woman making decisions based on her emotions.

Are you able to do what men do and step back in order to take a full accounting of the relationship? Or are you just validation seeking and hoping MRP will give you the ammunition you need to cheat?

I'd have a really hard time finding anything.

You don't need to find anything. Read "The Key Logger" and know one thing: AWALT.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

op has good bait

[–]opalorchid0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Have you tried calmly asking her about it and discussing your concerns? It's possible you're gut is right, but it's also possible you're reading too far into things and creating all this drama in your mind. I saw your comment about wanting a copilot you can trust; that is absolutely important in a relationship. Part of trust is being able to be candid though and to approach them with anything on your mind. Good luck. I hope you're wrong and are able to enjoy a long (happy) marriage

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