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What to do when wife declines sex?

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January 15, 2016
8 upvotes

What's the best response when wife turns down sex? For context, assume sex is happening about once every two weeks, and this is the third or fourth refusal in a row.

The worst response, I guess, is to make a scene or throw a fit. I've been down that road before. But should I just take it completely in stride, show no reaction at all, and proceed with my life? Or should I withdraw my attention from her, and if so, for how long? I'm concerned that the first option merely perpetuates the illusion that there's nothing wrong with her continuing to withhold sex. But then if I try to impose some sort of consequence by withdrawing attention, wont that just look like a different way of making a scene? To be honest, neither option seems very strong, but I'm at a loss for any other ideas.

To clarify, I'm not asking about the best long-term response. I realize the whole website is designed to answer that question. I'm asking for the best response in the moment.


Post Information
Title What to do when wife declines sex?
Author ParadoxThatDrivesUs
Upvotes 8
Comments 19
Date 15 January 2016 01:23 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207734
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/410ro9/what_to_do_when_wife_declines_sex/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (6 children) | Copy

You need a short term plan while you wade through the sidebar and ease into things.

I'm assuming you have started to lift and do other SMV raising hobbies? Well, when she turns you down just say "ok" and go do those things. As your SMV rises and you learn how to manage your bitch, then the "No!s" slow down ALOT. She will be afraid to lose you.

For now, go hit the weight room or treadmill. And take your sweetass time coming home. No returning texts and calls.

When you get back and next day there is no reason to be pissy. Perhaps a touch hard to reach or distracted while you continue to do household chores that you normally do, keep doing em.

Then escalate again. When it works, tell her she is your girl and you love her. I'd save all comfort for when she is putting out. Make her earn your love by fucking you.

Just remember that the guy that gives the tingles is a non needy confident bastard who gives no fucks when he is rejected. Come back at her the next night like it never happened

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thanks, this rings true to me. Christ it hurts, though.

[–]pullypants2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The personal growth aspect works though, keep faith. I've found now that the rejection genuinely doesn't bother me at all. I'm getting enough, I'm feeling so much better that I don't need her validation, I'm far more take it or leave it through the personal growth. That's a frame of mind that women pick up on, so they respond differently to you. It works, have faith, don't expect overnight success or a quick trick to win. Wifes know you, they can sniff that fraudulent shit out. Be a man she wants to fuck, that is all.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Rejection stings because you lack abundance. Your inner instincts are screaming that paradoxthatdrivesus will leave no offspring and his genes will die off.

Now I'm not saying you need to go cheat but you do need to become the kind of man who COULD cheat. Go to TRP, start devouring the side bar and for the time being, just hold frame with the wife and start lifting.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It doesn't, you just think it does... It goes away when internalized.

Right now you're thinking the Pussy is the prize. All this is to establish that you are the prize, and the sex is what keeps your interest.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that goes away quickly. you aren't hurt because of why you think you are, you're hurt because you are wrong, and have been wrong for a while.

once you separate this from your ego, it's just a thing

[–]exbp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As your SMV rises and you learn how to manage your bitch, then the "No!s" slow down ALOT. She will be afraid to lose you.

And though you may have made a bunch of progress on your SMV, you have to wait for her public out-loud acknowledgement of it: "Oh wow, look at your arms", "You're fitting into 32s now?", "Did you get new underwear?", etc. That's when you know she's noticed and can begin to use it for leverage.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

Act like it's her loss she doesn't want to fuck you. Keep it light and don't get butthurt or pouty about it. If it's not too late go do something else you want. One if the biggest mistakes that guys make at first, myself included is that they believe that going and doing something by themselves, or just disengaging from their wife or girlfriend after she refuses sex is bad or something. It's not, it's perfectly fucking normal as long as you're not a dick about it. That whole belief just puts you right in her frame from the start. Go do whatever you want. You don't have to hang out with her or listen to her talk about her day or anything. Just be polite and do whatever you want. Fall asleep, read, make a snack, work out, eat peanuts, watch a ww2 documentary whatever you want to do. Any shit she gives you about being upset or mad should be treated as a shit test as you go about your business. You can spend more or less time with her from there based on how she treats you. The nicer she is the more of you she gets, if she stays cold and frosty you have better shit to do. The important part is becomming a man worth wanting to get attention from.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

For her part, she just goes back to watching TV or whatever and doesn't give me a second thought. It'd be easier in a lot of ways if she'd give some shit about it or something. At least I'd feel like there was some acknowledgement of my situation. But she acts as if she just turned down a request for a glass of water. Which is why I feel like if I don't somehow make a wave, it's like agreeing that it's totally normal and acceptable not to have sex.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She doesn't think you have the SMV or game to get anyone better, therefore she feels zero motivation to put in any effort above the bare minimum. You didn't really expect your woman to love you unconditionally and sexually forever and ever, did you? It's ok. Go out and become a man who could easily get someone better and your wife's attitude towards you will change quickly.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

it's like agreeing that it's totally normal and acceptable not to have sex.

The question is why you feel that's not the right answer.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But she acts as if she just turned down a request for a glass of water.

At the moment, that's all sex means to her. Read the sidebar. Read about dread. Read about not making women and sex the end goal. After you have read, and after youve employed, sex will take on a new meaning to her. And turning it down will be a choice between losing your time and affection or gaining a fun lust filled time with her man.

[–]enfier0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That situation is just fine for where you are headed. You'll go do your own thing, she won't even notice. All the other things you are doing to increase your SMV will be slowly building momentum and she won't be trying to tear your shit apart while you are trying to build yourself up.

Under the radar is a great place to be. It's a long road to self improvement and it's going to be longer still until it changes your wife's view of you.

[–]Glennus6263 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go lift, or do pushups, or take a walk, or read a book that's been on your "to read" list for years, or get some shut-eye. Do something that benefits you. The more often you spend enjoyable time with yourself, the more she's going to want to get a piece of that commitment from you.

If you roll over and go to sleep, she will definitely shit test you by asking if you're mad, or by complaining about some other aspect of her life that is not fulfilled as a way to deflect whining about no sex. Get her hamster going by applying amused mastery to everything she says UP TO A POINT, then shut the fuck up and enjoy your sleep.

[–]pullypants1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think the trick is to show that you want sex, that you're a sexual man, but you don't need sex. If you can internalise this, it makes everything much easier. Show her all the time, signpost sex all day long if you want it, don't spring it on her last minuite and expect her to be ready.

You don't want come across as needy which basically makes you smell like old piss as far as attraction is concerned and it takes a lot of her power over you away.

For me, I try to get in her knickers all the time, and a hard no is just met with a 'fair enough', or a 'your loss' and a smile. Mostly I just go to sleep, though if it's earlier I have gone out of the house.

Last thing you want to do is get mad, frustrated or start pleading or bargaining, it looks weak as fuck, unattractive as fuck and gives her all the power, totally counter productive.

Last word though, the big win is to make yourself someone she wants to fuck. That's the bottom line here.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I think the trick is to show that you want sex, that you're a sexual man, but you don't need sex.

Actually the trick is to show her that you don't need sex- with her. You WANT sex with her, but you don't need it. Anything you can do that furthers that thinking is what you do when denied sex.

So act fine, be perhaps a bit surprised, or disappointed FOR HER, then go about your day. At Level 4 Dread you begin conditioning your emotional availability with her sexual availability to you. Don't do this all at once but eventually as Cad pointed out upthread, you will be giving her affection and attention ONLY when she is putting out. When she is not, you are simply not around for her to kick around because you are a busy man with options.

[–]mrpCamper1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I just want to make sure you are not "Asking for Sex".

"Honey, do you want to have sex?" is not attractive. If you just start kissing her and escalate you've got a much better shot. You may get a bit of push back but keep going until you get a harder no.

Then just a "your loss." is fine. Then as said go do something fun or if you can get out of the house. That's best. Go to wall mart and look at camping gear or something.

[–]xjedimindx1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I say I am not tired yet, give her a kiss on the forehead and then go out and be awesome. I will leave the house and go somewhere with the goal of speaking to 1-3 attractive women. I work on the abundance knowing I could get someone better.

The next day I act cool, and initiate harder.

I am usually denied when I don't tease her and act sexual through the day. I am working at that. I need to take what's mine. When I do there is no complaints. It



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