Not sure why I am posting except to selfishly drop this load off my shoulders and maybe be slapped back to reality. I want out of this fucking mess so bad. I went from redpill to bluepill quickly in the span of 2 years. Maybe someone can learn from my bullshit.
Married for 14 years. 3 kids. I am 40 and wife is 35 and I cheated on her with a 23 year old girl for the past 2 years. Oddly enough, I have have not been caught or had any negative consequences (yet), except for my sanity and massive guilt. Here is where I fucked up in so many ways.
Have had the perfect setup by society standards. Wife 3 kids, 2 dogs, successful career. I built a multimillion dollar business and I guess my ego got all fucked up in the success.
My wife is a perfect mother to our kids. We have had a good marriage with the normal ups and downs. More ups than downs. Right before all this went down, my dad died and the thought of mortality became front and center with me. I started buying stupid toys, spending money on crazy shit. Maybe midlife crisis? I'm not sure I believe the label, but there is some truth.
My wife started becoming frumpy and dressing like a slob. Turning cold and never in the mood for sex. I know this isn't her problem. It was mine. I was failing at leading her. I was so caught up in work and making big money, I maybe lost her.
On to the real fuckups. I was hiring for a new assistant. I interviewed this one girl. From the start of the interview I knew I was going to get in trouble with her. This girl was on a mission to fuck my brains out. Tiny little thing (5'2 and 110lbs), dark hair, dark eyes. Drop dead hb10. I thought unicorn. Sexy as hell and everything so soft and perky. Being around for a few years and knowing what these chicks can do to someone in power and also married was front and center my mind, but not strong enough to overcome the urge to dip the pen in company ink. I have fired employees for doing this exact thing.
About 2 weeks into her working at my company, we were fucking like crazy. The hormones and taboo of it all was insane. This chick was the best sex I have ever had. She was able to mold herself to exactly what I like. This ramped up my crazy spending, buying several 200k super cars, running off to "out of town business meetings". Overall just being a dumb pussy bluepill idiot.
She slowly started turning shitty on me eventually and dropped some shit about being borderline personality (BPD?). This is where I keep getting more caught in her fucking web. I craved the real fun/sexy times we had that I kept upping the game to recreate it. She would become abusive and forget about how much I have spent on her and done for her. She started fucking everyone under the sun (I have been std tested so many times). No STDs even after raw-dogging it. Her appeal was so strong and my bluepill ways kept me from immediately dropping her. She knew exactly the buttons to push to manipulate me. I was addicted to her affection and intense wild sex.
Somehow, things started to click in my head. I came to for brief periods to ask myself what the fuck am I doing. This shit is madness and I don't want to ruin everything I have worked hard for. I truly don't want to hurt my wife or children. I want to reconnect with her and lead this marriage. I want sanity, stability.
I started a slow plan to get her the fuck out of my life without setting off a shit storm. It was a long shot, but fuck I don't want this anymore. I got with my attorneys (on staff) and got her out of my company about a year ago. This didn't phase her. She kept the manipulation game up and I fell for her shit some more and paid to get her into a new apartment until she found another job. She did find another job, but I kept paying rent.
This bitch outright extorted 3 grand from me by threatening to expose to my wife. Thankfully I saved those texts and when I went to give her the money I recorded her conversation just in case the extortion continued I could have something to go to the police with. The relationship has been poison. Over the course of knowing her, I have given her over 20k in cash/gifts not including rent or utilities.
I have tried breaking it off and will go a month while she tries out some other guy and she comes right back killing me with manipulation. No matter how long it takes, she works on me through any open channel. I have blocked her from everything, but she finds ways to me and I become bluepill idiot x 100.
Here I am today, thankful nothing has been blown-up yet. Just my fucked up head and a little lighter in the wallet. I want this cunt out of my life so I can repair myself and my marriage. As fucked up as it sounds, I miss her. She toxically made me feel alive. However, I am a shell of my former self. I am anxious all the time, depressed and feel somewhat dependant on her. I was so wrapped up in her that at some level, I wanted to be caught so I could just lose it all and be with her. How fucked is that shit? I have everything, but want to be a cunt like that?
So there it is gents. Let me have it.