Need help to lead wife

Sepean · 2015-12-17T19:43:05+00:00

"Honey, next weekend I'm throwing out everything in the basement that isn't in a cupboard or in 4 boxes on the northern wall. You want some help sorting what we keep?"

FearDearg2015 · 2015-12-17T18:38:56+00:00

The secret to being a great leader is to recognise that you are only a leader if you have people following you. Otherwise you are just a man going his own way on his own. People, in general, do not follow orders blindly, unless the orders come from a perceived authority. If that's the kind of marriage you want, then assert your authority and enforce consequences for disobedience.

The other type of leadership is where you are so good at what you are doing, that people just naturally fall into line with what you are doing or saying. This is also known as "natural leadership". This type requires emotional intelligence on the part of the leader. Essentially, you need to be tuned in to your own emotional state AND empathetic to the emotional state of the people you are leading. In my opinion, this is the better of the two choices, because it's easier to maintain once you've established it. The heavy handed approach requires constant attention to deviations and likely a lot of micro management. I have no first hand experience of that type, and have only recently been reading up on the theory of the second, even though I've been that second type at work for a long time. It's ironic that I never made the connection to my lack of leadership at home until recently, but dems the breaks.

So, here are some tricks :

Expect people to perform at their best. Share your vision for the kind of team you are trying to establish, and get your team behind that vision. They need to want the same things you want. Compliment them for their efforts, and provide help or assistance when they ask for it.

Accept that sometimes things don't go to plan. There is no need for an immediate blame game when something hasn't gone to plan. Don't start one, and don't tolerate one. After the problem is fixed, maybe then you can evaluate lessons learned, but only in the interest of making the team stronger.

Lead by example. Roll up your sleeves and show how it's done. People respect a leader who understands first hand the challenges that the team faces. Don't be the guy in his ivory tower.

If a team member is not putting in the required effort, you need to find out what the problems are from their perspective. Don't make the mistake of assuming malice or incompetence until you've proven that they are the only two remaining explanations. It's OK to be disappointed in the contribution of a team member, and its correct to share that disappointment with them. Try not to let yourself get angry with the problem, as they will likely interpret it as an attack. Instead, let them know that something is not working properly, and work with them to get things back on track.

Essentially you need to be in control of your own emotional state and tuned in to the emotions of the team. Motivate them from the front, don't push them from behind. Lead them by being worth following.

Edit: related topic on TRP right now. https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3x8cjv/empathy_made_me_a_leader/

Edit 2: /u/TrainingTheBrain posted this elsewhere too. http://msl-cdn.radiantforestllc.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/boss-vs-leader-800x800.png

cholomite · 2015-12-17T19:01:03+00:00

You just described my gf perfectly, even down to the nature of the clutter. I'll go over what I did to help declutter my apt., but my relationship isn't yours, so take from this what you will.

One of the first things I did (after lifting, of course) was to start backing up what I would say. In my blue pull days I would tell my girl "do X or else..." and she wouldn't do it and I was to big of a pussy to do anything other than get butthurt and pout about it. I started small, showing her that when I say things, I mean them. She used to always make little smart ass comments and I would try to act tough and say shit like "come over here and say that", and she would and nothing would happen. Until one day she made a comment, I told her to come over and say it and she did in her cocky way, looking at me dead in the eyes thinking I was full of shit. So I grabbed her, I carried her into our bedroom, ripped her pants off and spanked her ass hard for a good 5 minutes. She was laughing and it was playful and she loved that I stopped acting like a pussy and backed up what I was saying. I started small at first, until I knew that she knew that I wasn't fucking around and I meant what I said. She tested me a few more times over stupid stuff and whatever I said I would do, I did if she didn't comply. Eventually she got the message that my balls dropped and I wasn't fucking around anymore.

This is when I started to apply it to actual issues and real problems. I basically told her one day, get all your shit together and store it neatly and properly or I'll go through it and take anything I deem unnecessary to the goodwill store. Because I had been routinely kicking her ass (playfully) for much smaller issues over the past 4 or 5 months, she knew I would back up what I said. I took her to Walmart the next day and she got a few extra bins for her books and other crap and I gave her until the weekend before I went through everything myself. I'll be a son of a bitch if she didn't pack everything she had into those bins and stack them all neatly in her closet. I swear one of the bins has the density of a black hole, I don't know how the lid snapped shut.

As far as general cleanliness, this is what helped me out with that. I know a college girl whose pretty hot, probably 20 or 21, but was 19 when this happened. My gf knows her too and how hot she is. I told the girl that me and my gf are swamped with work stuff and that I would pay her 60 or 70 bucks to clean our apartment this saturday. As a broke college student, she said she would. I went home and told my gf "listen babe, I can't live in this mess anymore. I know we're both busy so I offered Xgirl to come over this weekend and clean the place and she said she would. So we don't need to worry and can relax." My apt was as clean as its ever been within a couple hours of me telling her. I went back and told the college girl nevermind, but I would let her know if I needed her services in the future. I haven't yet.

One other thing on cleanliness that I took from another user on here. Start cleaning and behaving like you are a single man again. I haven't done this fully yet but the next time my gf slacks on cleaning, I'm going to take every girly decoration she put up off of my walls and put more manly stuff up, then just clean the shit myself in a way that would allow me to bring another girl back at anytime. Obviously I'm not going to cheat, but showing her that I'm fully capable and ready to take care of myself and improve my living conditions without her will send a powerful message. She won't know what to think but I have a good feeling her desire to keep a clean house will reignite quickly.

enfier · 2015-12-17T21:53:11+00:00

The only method I've really seen work is The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

If you follow the steps in the book, you can get done in one weekend and be done for good. I did it with my own stuff and now I've got plenty of space.

Your wife is obviously going to need to be on board and motivated, and probably going to need to read the book. It sounds as if she doesn't really care at the moment. You can certainly help by gathering the items to sort and taking care of the discards, but ultimately she has to decide on her own.

I just did my own items and later led my wife through some of the common areas.

phaedrus_rp · 2015-12-17T18:53:25+00:00

have you considered that she is a hoarder and this is a psychological / psychiatric issue that may require professional help?

rurpe · 2015-12-17T19:11:22+00:00

You need to focus on acting instead of trying to inspire or lead using words.

Step 1: Declutter your spaces first: Your desk, your dresser, your closet, etc.

Step 2. Slowly, slowly establish clutter-free spaces in your shared spaces. Start small, a single kitchen counter, a single corner, etc: Kitchen counters, etc. If the clutter appears, identify the owner. If it is your clutter, handle it. If it is her clutter, start piling it into her space.

Step 3: Set aside time to declutter big areas like your basement with her and encourage her to start throwing shit away. You don't have to make it a big event, just turn off the TV on a random Tuesday and start going through shit in the basement.

phaedrus_rp · 2015-12-17T21:13:01+00:00

TL;DR: My wife has too much clutter and it leads to fights. I take responsibility for failing to lead her on this point, but I don't know where/how I failed or how to proceed. I'm looking for help, not to blame her.

how can you say you're taking responsibility when you haven't put in any real work of trying to figure shit out.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+be+an+effective+leader

BluepillProfessor · 2015-12-18T20:23:49+00:00

This is typical cat lady behavior. She needs a man to provide some warm, loving direction and leadership. I would spend $50.00 and hire a couple neighborhood kids to help for a couple hours. Then I hold my wife, give her a nice kiss, and then tell her we are going through and getting rid of the clutter on Saturday. No big deal. No argument. This is what I am going to do and hopefully we can do it together so I don't throw away anything you really want....

the_Zambony · 2015-12-18T00:34:46+00:00

My wife's home office is a complete disaster area of clutter, shit that she doesn't need or won't clean up. I personally have no idea how she can function in that mess, but that's my problem.

The rest of the house is clutter free because I keep it that way. I am OC about it.

If it bothers you, clean it up, recycle what you can, and throw out the rest. If she has a problem with it tell her there is a simple solution, she can clean up.

Title	Need help to lead wife
Author	phaedrus_rp
Upvotes	6
Comments	28
Date	17 December 2015 06:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/207814
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3x8or8/need_help_to_lead_wife/