Career Beta here, quickly - my progress: I have read NMMNG and MSLP. I have started WISNIFG. Mostly handle shit tests with STFU because my confidence isn't there yet for me to be ready with A&A or AM. I still get a pit in my stomach when she gets bitchy. I still catch myself in her frame. Wife acts like an alpha but can't control her emotions. In a way, for me, redpill is mutiny.
tl;dr; A couple of months ago, I did something my wife didn't like. I admitted I could have done differently, but did not say "I'm Sorry". Fast forward to this past Wednesday, I did something from her frame. Later I said I could have handled it better and said that it was something for me to work on. I didn't say "I'm Sorry". She seems hung up on those words being required in an apology. I feel like I am going through some motions here without understanding why I don't say those specific words.
She says if I say "I made a mistake" that puts in on me. But saying "I'm sorry" carries it over to her. I don't have a response other than to try to use logic, which I know won't work.
The context I have gathered is that we are the only judges of us that matter, but I can't tell her that.
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A couple of months ago I told my wife I was going to happy hour - she got pissed that I didn't ask. I told her I should have checked that we didn't have anything else going on (we didn't, and I knew). But I didn't say "I'm sorry". I'm pretty sure I beta'd my way out of this one in the end.
Right now, we are dead broke. CC's maxed out $30 in checking. The worst it has ever been. I have always paid the bills, but she has done most of the daily spending as a SAHM. I showed her where we were heading a couple months ago (I keep spreadsheets of everything), but really haven't owned finances completely yet. So, Monday she was feeling very stressed. I came in the door from work, the kids were all greeting me and she made a comment about having cried twice today but didn't want to talk about it. I failed this comfort test. I had been up late the previous night working on a side project to get some extra money and was very tired. I crashed shortly after the kids and apologized (oops) that I couldn't stay up and talk with her. Tuesday, I didn't bring it up (she takes our daughter to dance and chats with all the dance mom's) and I was doing more work. Wednesday she goes to get some things at the store, and applies for a store CC. She get's declined and is embarrassed in front of our two boys. She gets a couple things she knows we can afford (non necessities) but sends the kids away as if she is buying an x-mas gift, so they don't have to see the card get declined if that happens.
So, that night she gets back home after I do, and she lays into me. Saying I'm not helping her solve the problem and she feels alone. Her typical approach to arguments is to make sure she does all the talking, so STFU is pretty easy. I said I told her to return some things last weekend and she hadn't done that. So I took those things and left. I didn't hold frame here. I failed this test. So then I get a store CC to make her not feel the symptoms, even though I know it will make the underlying condition worse. She sit tests me all night, I just keep away. The next morning I go to tell her how to use it (requires a pin for the temp card). She asks if I added her name to it. I said that customer service said I needed the physical card to do that. She called me a liar, so I started to leave the room because I wasn't in the mood. Then she thanked me for getting the card. I said "you're welcome" and kept walking. Then she got mad because I didn't tell her the pin (I had just turned around when she started calling me a liar), I turned around and said, "yeah, I got distracted.." I was about to tell her when she turned on her bitch mode again and I said "I would be happy to tell you the pin, but when you can talk to me with respect". This set off a temper tantrum where books were thrown (not directly at me) and she said I started a civil war.
Two days of silent treatment followed. I just hung out with the kids and had a good time. Then Friday she says that her friend says I am "passive aggressively controller (wtf is that?!)". She said she is going to get a job, and not put one penny of it into the family funds, but save it to get away from me. She said she doesn't want to be friends, and she will just be civil. (I am paraphrasing the pages and pages of texts she sent)
So since then, she has been civil. But that's it. The best part is, I've gotten so much shit done. And I can keep getting shit done. I think now she is more mad that I don't seem to be making an effort to fix things between us. I want to tell her "you had a problem you wanted help with, you didn't tell me, and then you decided you were done with me because I can't read your mind" - but I know logic won't help.
So, I'm stuck. I can keep enjoying being productive, and not give her attention and maybe she turns around. But I think her narcissism will likely keep us in a stale mate.