She says i'm making a drama... I'm not

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[deleted]
December 11, 2015
6 upvotes

So, i'm about to leave for a few days, went to bed but she was still working. Wanted some good-bye sex, went to her "come, let's 'cuddle' a bit". She glazed over the screen made a face and said she really cant. I simply said it was ok, turned around and left.

She came to me all upset that I was making drama, that she really feels sick (which i didn't know to that point, but she sounded like she had sore throat), and that i'm makindg drama.

i simply said i didn't, to which she just continued blah blah blah yes you did, tipurn around and leave, blah blah boah. I stoped her and said I had no clue what she was talking about.

At which point she left, saying in process how bad she feels and what I did. I said nothing.

I felt bad because she'll be alone with kid for some time and being sick really sucks in that situation. I took some home remedies went to bedrom and told her what to do to fight it. She thanked and all, but frankly, suddenly she didn't seem all that sick (i could be wrong here). She went to bed and here i am.

Edit: I used 'cuddle' as a bad translation of what i used in our language, but rest assured, she knew exactly what i came for. It really was more along the lines 'come, let's do it'

Update:

today she really exploded. But in a fucked up way. I'll try to make it short. I'm flying out tonight. I had to pack etc, then I had to go to a pharmacy to get some painkillers before I leave. Now, where I live, most pharmacies are closed Saturday afternoon, so I had to locate one which was opened. You need to know my wife had plans in the afternoon, which I knew of, but here timeframe was "when kid wakes up". So I went, but I forgot my phone at home. Big mistake. I'm new to the city, I don't know where things are, so I was heading to a wrong one. Fuck. Closed. No phone, no way to check where to go. Had to go home. Came home, I hear kid is not woken up, grab phone, drive to the next pharmacy. Google says it's 11 minutes. It took me bloody long time, every traffic light was red god damn. Finally find it, get a message from her: Her:"Fly safely" Me: "I'd like to say goodbye to the kid" Her:"When do you come back" Me:"When I get to the counter and drive back" Her:"1 hour, 2 hours? We are waiting outside" Me:"I'm at (place she knows), I'm next, then i drive home" Ok, got the damn drugs, speed home. Now all hell broke lose. It's clear what the problem is from the messages, right? Well I guess it is to women. It's not to me. So I come home "you only think about yourself, I wanted to go (someplace), blah blah blah, you could have said goodbye earlier, blah blah blah, crying, screaming". I was confused, shocked, and realised it's really bad. I just said "insted of screaming, go there, fast". Her:"Her:"why, to just catch half an hour (my guess is it only lasted 1 hour alltogether anyway), blah blah blah, can you at least take us to a train station" Me:"I really can't, I'm running late myself" (true, I would have been late, I managed to barely make it to my train on my own). Her:"You bastard, crying, whining, screaming, you fucked me over" Me: "Enough! Stop it!" Her:"Who are you to tell me to shut up, blah blah blah". I didn't argue or try to do anything more about it, really. Nothing could have been saved at that point. Yes, I did screw up. It's pointless to ask her, but fuck, she could have told me by sms "I need to be there and then, what can we do". She didn't even try, she just setup an ambush for me to fall into and then blamed me. So here I am at the airport, without a proper goodbye from my wife, some feelings of guilt. I don't know if it makes sense to reply anything to her. You can't win by logic anyway. What sucks is that she's between me and the kid. Kid is too small to be able to use phone/skype on its own.


Post Information
Title She says i'm making a drama... I'm not
Author
Upvotes 6
Comments 19
Date 11 December 2015 11:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207830
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3wfzun/she_says_im_making_a_drama_im_not/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]midlifedick2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Basic sympathy seeking. Ignore.

Expect a round of guilt laden bullshit when you get back. Ignore.

When you get this type of behavior, you have to stop engaging, and giving it credibility.

As soon as you recognize the bullshit, laugh to yourself and then move on. You can say something only if its dismissive.

Of course, recognizing it is your problem at this point. So, until such time you can tell the difference between a sincere, legit, concern and emotional manipulation, its best to shut the fuck up when you are not sure and continue living your own awesome life. Stop worrying so much about how she feeeeelz, it's not your responsibility and if you could actually could control her emotions, wouldnt you be turning the dial more towards horny and less bitchy?

*spelling

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

NOPE.

Getting the wife in the mood is not "hey babe lets do It"

Did you start gaming her since you woke up? Did you kino her all day?

What did YOU do to make her Horny ?

Read u/trainingthebrain 's posts on gaming your wife.

Build up tension ~throughout the day~. All the time

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I got a lot to do in this department. The fact that she rejected me was not the point here, escalstion after that was interesting.

For the past month she's been very strange, nervous, detached. Seems as i'm tuning down beta it threw her off. She's quite alpha herself, so we are each in their own corner. Till today there was no fight though, but today she exploded. It was really strange, i need to collect my mind, maybe i'll ask for advice tomorrow

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She is lost in a sea of emotion and lashing out in the desparate hope that you are strong enough to be her oak but right now you are still figuring out who you are as a Man

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

This.

Why do new guys always think, "I'm alpha now and I should be able to snap my fingers and she'll be dripping wet even though I've done absolutely zero foreplay throughout the day"?

Also, don't say, "let's fuck". Go grab her and initiate.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Because they are new. I know I've thought that for a minute or two. Haven't you ?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I'm sure I have.

"I'm horny all the time, surely she is too! "

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Anyway, today she really exploded. But in a fucked up way. I'll try to make it short.

I'm flying out tonight. I had to pack etc, then I had to go to a pharmacy to get some painkillers before I leave. Now, where I live, most pharmacies are closed Saturday afternoon, so I had to locate one which was opened.

You need to know my wife had plans in the afternoon, which I knew of, but here timeframe was "when kid wakes up".

So I went, but I forgot my phone at home. Big mistake. I'm new to the city, I don't know where things are, so I was heading to a wrong one. Fuck. Closed. No phone, no way to check where to go. Had to go home.

Came home, I hear kid is not woken up, grab phone, drive to the next pharmacy. Google says it's 11 minutes. It took me bloody long time, every traffic light was red god damn. Finally find it, get a message from her:

Her:"Fly safely" Me: "I'd like to say goodbye to the kid" Her:"When do you come back" Me:"When I get to the counter and drive back" Her:"1 hour, 2 hours? We are waiting outside" Me:"I'm at (place she knows), I'm next, then i drive home"

Ok, got the damn drugs, speed home. Now all hell broke lose. It's clear what the problem is from the messages, right? Well I guess it is to women. It's not to me.

So I come home "you only think about yourself, I wanted to go (someplace), blah blah blah, you could have said goodbye earlier, blah blah blah, crying, screaming".

I was confused, shocked, and realised it's really bad. I just said "insted of screaming, go there, fast".

Her:"Her:"why, to just catch half an hour (my guess is it only lasted 1 hour alltogether anyway), blah blah blah, can you at least take us to a train station" Me:"I really can't, I'm running late myself" (true, I would have been late, I managed to barely make it to my train on my own).

Her:"You bastard, crying, whining, screaming, you fucked me over"

Me: "Enough! Stop it!"

Her:"Who are you to tell me to shut up, blah blah blah".

I didn't argue or try to do anything more about it, really. Nothing could have been saved at that point.

Yes, I did screw up. It's pointless to ask her, but fuck, she could have told me by sms "I need to be there and then, what can we do". She didn't even try, she just setup an ambush for me to fall into and then blamed me.

So here I am at the airport, without a proper goodbye from my wife, some feelings of guilt. I don't know if it makes sense to reply anything to her. You can't win by logic anyway. What sucks is that she's between me and the kid. Kid is too small to be able to use phone/skype on its own.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shit test spiral. Continuous failing of shit tests. She eventually just started to wholesale dump her shit on you, which probably left her feeling quite unburdened, and then you end up at the airport feeling guilty and hamstering away about how your kid can't use Skype. It sucks, I get it. Just accept it. This situation has every potential to be a major turning point for you. This could be the time where you say to yourself "no more". You might look back on this moment with fondness in the future as the last time you let yourself get into an emotional mess because of some shit she said. You might learn to laugh about it when you remember how closed your eyes were. You've lost this battle, for sure. And you will continue to lose it over and over again in your head as long as you keep replaying it with her in the "bad guy" role. That might make you feel better about it, but you know that's not the red pill way. AWALT. Own your shit. Replay the story again and pay careful attention to how you created the situation in the first place, and how you just fanned the flames as it continued. You acted, and are acting, like a child who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. The world doesn't owe you anything, your wife doesn't owe you anything. Whatever you get in this life is what you asked for. Start asking (non verbally) for what you want and your world will change in an instant.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I felt bad

And this, young skywalker, is why you fail.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

For fucks sake dude. Your post is like a field report of "how to fail shit tests". Literally every interaction you describe with her is a text book shit test fail. I face palmed at one point, which is not so easy while reading on a smart phone!

You should be shutting the fuck up more. Seriously. The shit tests that she hit you with are totally obvious to anyone who knows what they are doing, and your shitty responses tell me that you don't know what you are doing. But that's OK, that's what we are here for. Tech support. So, what do I think you should do next?

First, reread your own post, impartially, and pick out the shit tests. Hint: they are littered throughout everything she said to you. When you spot them, think of an appropriate "agree and amplify" or "amused mastery" response. The goal here is to start retraining yourself from being on the defensive all the time to being a confident masculine man all the time. Second, forgive yourself for this whole episode and leave it in the past. It's done now. Don't carry it as baggage.I'm sure you have enough of that already. Third, shut the fuck up more around your wife. Not everything she says or asks needs an answer. Even if she is verbally attacking you, there is no rule that says you are obliged to reply, even if you believe that logic is on your side. Perhaps especially at those times you need to shut up. Your current problem is that you believe that you can safely expect a rational conversation with her. The truth is that you can't reasonably expect that. You can reasonably expect the opposite. You might get some logic from time to time, but if you are the one trying to win an argument with logic with a woman, you are gonna have a bad time.

Quit it with all the text messages. Logistics only. No serious discussions, no bargaining, no sneaking logic into the stream of conversation, no negotiation. Just short, assertive statements without regard for how you think she might feel reading what you wrote. "I'll be home in 30 minutes, have the kid ready to say goodbye to me".

You might not know what we mean by "frame" because you appear to have no control over your frame and you live your life through her perceptions of right and wrong. She knows that when she convinces you that you are in the wrong, you will bend over backwards to make it up to her. You've been doing that for so long that it's hardwired for her now. It's not her fault. Your journey is gonna pass through a place where she thinks you are an asshole. She'll call you that, a lot, because that's what you've trained her to do. That's how you've shown her how to get what she wants. The more you pass those shit tests, the more she will test you. The more you fail shit tests, the longer your journey will take you. Learn to recognise them and start passing them, and in the meantime, shut the fuck up.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

OK, I see I need to work on technique (agree and amplify, amused mastery).

To be hones, I really don't recognise the shit tests. There are shit tests here? Also, I did stfu god damned, we barely even speak as I'm just STFUing, and things are just escalating as I do.

Where are shit tests, help me out, please!? Refusing sex is not. Coming down to argue... Dunno.. I was really beta in the past and I understand how she could see me simply going out as yet another scene.

Now how she feels ill, yeah, could be a shit test to make me feel bad, but on the other hand, she did (to some degree) feel physically ill. Walking away from me then with feeling of guilt in me, ok, yeah, shit test.

Are you saying every time there is an emotional manipulation at play, it's a shit test?

Then 2nd shit test would be the whole sms exchange, specially the part "we are waiting outside".

Then actually waiting to be late for the event and putting the blame on me... you say it's a shit test?

I dunno. Something doesn't feel right. On top, right now something bad happened (higher power, can't go into specifics). I try to be the captain and called a friend to help organise some stuff as to make it easier for my wife. I talked to her and she again went balistic on me how she can cope alone and how I shouldn't "go behind her back".

So... I don't know. Have I been so asleep that she became the family alpha? We were both very stuborn from the beginning. But then again, I was very, very cocky and alpha when we met. Fuck, she fell for me BECAUSE I was so cocky, BECAUSE she needed a really strong alpha to tune her down? But then, through years and fucking "equality" I gave her all control? And now my change is too big and sudden to cope. She has the wheel and feels like I'm entering her space?

If that is the case, it's a really dangerous situation which could explode in our faces, isn't it?

That's the missing part of the TRP/MRP: how to regain your status slowly. Too many of us go nuclear.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

OK, let me pull some out for you.

She came to me all upset that I was making drama

"Yeah baby, I'm a full on drama queen"

You tried to verbally initiate, she declined your offer, you walked away, and then she accuses you of drama, and you accepted her interpretation of the situation by trying to defend yourself. Why is it important to you to tell her you are not making drama? Why do you feel the need to set her straight on such a petty topic? As soon as you enter into some sort of debate with her on it, you are validating her point of view, and confirming to her that you are making drama. Look at it like this: she was suspicious that you were butt hurt or something, she accuses you of making drama, and lo and behold, drama ensues, confirming to her that you were indeed making drama. Her accusation of drama was ridiculous, which you knew, but you chose to try and deny it, rather than agree and amplify or some other approach. What good can come of you denying it? By doing so, you enter her frame, you accept her perspective on your actions, you allow her to define what your actions meant, retrospectively. You confirm to her that her initial suspicion was correct. Thats the nature of the first shit test.

i simply said i didn't, to which she just continued blah blah blah yes you did, tipurn around and leave, blah blah boah. I stoped her and said I had no clue what she was talking about.

This part is how you desperately tried to recover some sort of frame control or something. Next time, just STFU and pull her in to you, make strong eye contact, fuck her with your eyes. Draw her in, give her the chance to get over whatever shit she was throwing at you. She might still not wanna fuck you, but she'll perceive your intent by your actions.

suddenly she didn't seem all that sick (i could be wrong here). She went to bed and here i am.

Sounds like a little but hurt to me. Sounds like you feel like she walked away from you and left you feeling sorry for yourself. I'm not saying you should have skipped along after her like a giddy school girl, but I'm sure you could have worked out a way of escalating that situation into some caveman sex instead of jumping straight on Reddit to seek advice. Yes, by that point you had already failed a shit test, so you were already on the back foot. You had already written off any chance of having sex with her because you believed that you guys had just had a fight or something, and in particular, you believed that she was pissed off with you for some reason. That feeling that you have somehow wronged her, without really knowing what you did or how you did it, is basically living in her frame. You've allowed yourself to see yourself in the wrong here. You tried to bring logic to a hamster fight. She didnt buy your logic, and now you feel like something is wrong.

today she really exploded. But in a fucked up way.

AWALT? When you describe it as how "she really exploded", that again says to me that you are in her frame. You are tip toeing around her emotions and feelings like they were a minefield or something. She is in control of the frame here again. The solution to these kinds of situations is to not give a fuck. She "explodes"? Sucks for her. She's only making herself unhappy. This shit should be rolling off your back like water off a duck. I'm not saying you should aim to be emotionally detatched from her though. I'm saying that you should not be allowing her tantrums to have an impact on your state of mind. If she wants to throw a tantrum, you just step out of the way and continue doing whatever it was that you were doing. Instead, you are interpreting these tantrums as though they were directed at you. You are letting yourself feel like you are responsible for making her feel bad, or causing her to throw a tantrum.

get a message from her: Her:"Fly safely" Me: "I'd like to say goodbye to the kid"

That message from her was just an attempt to bait you into something. And you took the bait. She said two words: "fly safely", and then you hamstered away thinking about what she might have meant by it. You didn't need to respond to this text message, but you did, and from a position of weakness. Shit tests by text are easy to ignore. Keep texting for logistics only. Something like "see you in 30 minutes" would have been OK there, or just dont bother replying. You don't need to reply to everything she sends you, especially when she hasnt asked you a direct question, or something relating to logistics.

After that, there's the whole thing where you get home and she starts to go crazy about how she was supposed to be somewhere else. She chose to stick around the house to wait for you. You didn't chain her there. Have you read WISNIFG? If so, you'll know that she was trying to make you feel guilt or shame. She's just blowing off steam at you, and hoping that it will have an impact. She's probably doing it subconsciously: WISNIFG explains how most people use that kind of non-assertive attitude as a default mode. These are times when you should be fogging. Instead, you are letting yourself feel and absorb the guilt trip she is throwing at you. For what?

You only think about yourself

Yes, I suppose I do. Whats wrong with that?

you could have said goodbye earlier

Yeah, that would have been a better idea

you fucked me over

I'm sorry you feel like that.

Who are you to tell me to shut up

You're right, I am not your boss. You can scream and shout if you like, but I gotta go. Bye.

She didn't even try, she just setup an ambush for me to fall into and then blamed me.

See, you even recognise the total irrationality of the whole thing. Thats what a shit test is at its core. She provides an opportunity for you to lose your shit, by throwing some crazy at you, and you took her up on the offer and lost your shit.

So here I am at the airport, without a proper goodbye from my wife, some feelings of guilt.

And so it continues. You are in her frame. You are supposed to be the prize, but you don't sound like one, and you are not acting like one. Do you think that she is walking around feeling bad about anything she said? No, of course she's not. All your beta behaviour in this post probably has her primed for an "accidental" Chad encounter.

Also, I did stfu god damned, we barely even speak as I'm just STFUing, and things are just escalating as I do.

That's because when you speak, you are always DEERing. You are not controlling the frame. You probably STFU until you feel like you need to defend yourself from something she said. The point of STFU is to give yourself a chance to recognise the shit tests, and not fail them by saying the wrong thing. The point of STFU is not about giving your wife the cold shoulder, or letting the relationship go cold. My guess is that you are afraid to piss her off, and this is because you are living in her frame. She gets to decide what your reality looks like, because she has your balls in her purse. You can see from your OP that she's gonna get pissed off regardless of what you say. Why not throw in some Agree and Amplify? Or any of the stuff from WISNIFG? Remember, you dont want to come across as sarcastic. You should be delivering your words in a calm and assertive way, not in a combative/sarcastic/defensive way. Yes, this might make her even more angry, but thats not your problem. As long as you dont allow yourself to see the whole thing as a fight (because this will lead you to feelings of butt hurt) you'll be fine.

Are you saying every time there is an emotional manipulation at play, it's a shit test?

I wasn't saying that exactly, but if you are able to recognise those emotional manipulations when they are happening, I see no harm in treating them as a shit test. You said you have difficulty recognising shit tests, so maybe you are looking in the wrong places. Anytime she's throwing shit at you which you know is totally irrational or uncalled for or disrespectful, you seem to perceive those things as a threat to your existance and you start DEERing. Instead, you could just STFU, or AA or AM. You don't need to take her words at face value. You dont need to allow yourself and your emotions to be manipulated like that.

Have I been so asleep that she became the family alpha? We were both very stuborn from the beginning. But then again, I was very, very cocky and alpha when we met. Fuck, she fell for me BECAUSE I was so cocky, BECAUSE she needed a really strong alpha to tune her down? But then, through years and fucking "equality" I gave her all control? And now my change is too big and sudden to cope.

This sounds like a reasonable analysis. You know your situation better than anyone on the Internet, so if thats how you see it, then it sounds reasonable enough to me. The only thing I would say is that its more likely that your "change" is being noticed, which is causing her to test you. Whatever changes you are making you should be making for you. Its not your concern how she copes with it. Thats for her to figure out. If you had her on a pedestal before, and now you don't, then I would imagine that she's gonna feel a bit pissed off. You are putting yourself on the pedestal now, and you should be focusing on that. If that means rediscovering your previous cocky, funny, strong alpha self, then thats what you gotta do.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you, really, thank you.

I now see how saying a few words is not STFU and is failing the shit test. I see I should have said "Yes, I'm making a drama, obviously; I've started packing and I'm calling my mom to pick me up because you don't want to have sex with me". Something like that?

Regarding SMS, well, I was in a bad position. I wanted to say goodbye to the kids, but really, one of us had to lose. Her tantrum and reaction is another thing, but saying "see you in 30 minutes" is not the solution IMHO. It lacks a workable compromise. Curious how i just said "i want to/ would like to see the kid" (again hard to translate the right meaning), and she submitted to it though. She had options, she decided to undermine herself. I really don't get that.

When I say I feel bad, I don't communicate that to her. It's just here to the MRP. I've read WISNIFG, need to work on techniques. But which book talks about AnA and AM? I haven't found those anywhere but the forum.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you are replying to a shit test, the specific words are not so important. The objective is to demonstrate two things : firstly, that whatever she said has had zero negative impact on your general demeanor, and second, that your general feelings towards her have either stayed the same, or improved. A playful response does this. It's hard to take this playfulness, which is why STFU is better if you genuinely feel out of frame because of what she said. Try to imagine how you would deal with a temper tantrum that your child throws : you wouldn't take whatever they said seriously, you would just chalk it up to them being in a bad mood and carry on with your life unfazed. Same deal from now on with your wife. I'm assuming you actually like her and are happy to have her in your life. You need to stop seeing this as some sort of battle with her. The battle is with yourself. Swallowing the red pill means recognising the sexual dynamic between men and women. Whatever petty games she plays are only there because you have not been fulfilling your role as the alpha male of the house. In fact, even after you resume the position, the games will probably continue, but the difference is that you will have a new perspective on them and your responses will come more naturally.

When I say I feel bad, I don't communicate that to her. It's just here to the MRP.

Yes, and that's fine. Those times that make you feel bad are highlighting to you the places you need to work on. It's your own choice to feel bad about those things. Stop worrying so much about how she feels. Stop allowing yourself to get caught up in her emotional storms.

WISNIFG and NMMNG are not specifically red pill books, they are just the recommended reading material for new guys. Read some books on Game if you want to read books which talk about amused mastery or agree and amplify.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There are shit tests everywhere omfg. How about all of it beginning with the cool attitude. Did not push through with humor. Fail. Making drama. Perfect chance to agree and amplify. Wife sick. I better cancel my trip and take care of you. It is like she was slow pitching them at you but she kept trying to give you a chance to pass.

There is real hope for this one.

[–]WillWorkForLTC0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Don't ask to cuddle. Ask to fuck. Be direct.

Don't make her feel guilty for not putting out. You did so by being misleading about your intentions and that gave her the ability to give you a soft no, but it poisoned her hamster and she's confused to your intentions. This made her angry at you for "tricking" her into either sex or guilt with no alternative.

You employed a feminine tactic to get sex. Next time use a masculine one by not beating around the bush. Escalate physically before hand if you think that might help next time.

In the end you need to remember she missed out not you. Make sure you get your "sandwich in your pocket" as Bill Burr says and be done with it. You do you. If she wants to ignore sex then one day your dick won't be there anymore for her to ignore.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I used 'cuddle' as a bad translation of what i used in our language, but rest assured, she knew exactly what i came for. It really was more along the lines 'come, let's do it'

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You didn't care enough to beg and whine when she was in denial mode so the hamster went into turbo shit test mode.

Fucking own it. I feel bad when you don't care enough about me and our relationship to have sex before I leave for a week.

You set the frame that nothing was wrong so proceed that way. What happened really? A bratty child decided to throw a random tantrum. Be the daddy and set the tone that nothing important has happened.



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