Wife is a planning drinks with a single guy, how to respond

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-06T15:42:50+00:00

Why did she tell you about it?

Business lunch meeting and going out for drinks are not the same. She knows it, otherwise she wouldn't have needed to bring it up. There is an element of disrespect here that is a much bigger issue than your dead bedroom.

Have you been using active dread? Have you been doing things that she knows about that make her think you might cheat? If so, then this is her trying to get revenge.

Have you acted paranoid and possessive or calm and outcome independent? If the former, then she's telling you in advance because she's afraid of how you'd react if you found out by other means.

Is she secretly hoping that this guy wants to fuck her? She could be using him for validation of her attractiveness and may not go through with it. She might want to go through with it. You have no way of knowing.

Even if her intentions are good, he may just spike her drink and rape her. One on one drinks with a guy she doesn't know very well personally is poor judgment, especially for a married woman who will be in unfamiliar territory.

It's powertalk. She's got the upper hand in this interaction so far. Do you understand what she's telling you here?

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-06T18:45:47+00:00

Speaking as a man with a successful career wife, this happens and there is nothing you can do about it (except use I-Phone tracker). At least you will know if they end up at a hotel but it doesn't inform you about the Blowjob in the parking lot.

This is not something to worry about to much if you are having frequent and good sex. A "Proverbs 31 Woman" is going to go out for business lunches with men. However, in a DB this is definitely a branch swing move. She will use her currency for advancement just like all of them.

One correction, a woman getting a "promotion" is NOT an SMV enhancer. Sure it is nice for the family income, but it does NOT make her more sexually attractive. Stop acting like it does and stop caring about your wife's career. Be happy for her success rather than resentful.

Are you sure the reason for the DB is YOU decided that your wife is such a queen now that she makes more than you that you no longer aggressively pursue her, throw her down, and fuck her silly? Imagine how that looks from her end.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-06T14:38:51+00:00

I don't have first hand experience of this situation, though I'll tell you what I make of it anyway.

Watch what she does, not what she says.

So, she told you she's gonna have drinks with him. In a way, I think if she was "planning" something, she wouldn't have told you. However, these things "just happen", and AWALT, and tingles, and alcohol. So, what's a dude to do?

Short term, you can throw a hissy fit, and maybe she doesn't meet him this time, but then there'll be a next time, and so on. So I think that rules out a hissy fit.

I guess that your best ally here could be her hamster. The hamster is what's gonna rationalise away anything that might happen in the future, so getting it pre-emptively spinning for you might be the best option. No harm in telling her that you are not delighted about her having drinks alone with a single, successful guy, but also that you don't feel threatened by him and that you trust her to just keep it friendly. If she's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat, and I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life watching your back like that. Make it clear that the situation is "noteworthy", but that you trust her. Of course, you can't really trust her, because AWALT, tingles, alcohol etc. Up your alpha game, be extra playful, keep displaying high value. That'll give the hamster something to chew on when Chad starts giving her tingles.

When she's back, be on the lookout for strange behaviour, but keep in mind that unless you actually follow her, you'll never really know if something happened. Main thing is not to let this disrupt your frame, or knock you off your path. You are a high value man, and she knows that messing around would put that at risk. It's her life and decision ultimately.

cholomite · 2015-11-06T15:32:59+00:00

Man, this is a tough spot and I totally feel for you. You basically only have two choices since there's no way you'll be able to up your SMV high enough in time for her trip.

Option 1 is you lay down the law. Tell you have too much respect for yourself to be the chump who lets his woman run around getting drinks with single guys at night, and if you find out she got drinks with him, it's over. Maybe propose lunch instead, I don't know. The key to this is to DGAF while you lay this out for her. Have a smile on your face like "I'm a man who respects myself, these are my boundries, take them or leave them but I'll be fine either way"

Option 2 is you give zero fucks about the whole thing and act like this guy is just some little bug you're not worried about at all. Like you forgot she was even getting lunch with him because you're so awesome and you know it that you don't waste your time thinking about other dudes. Meanwhile, while she's at her drinks date you go out and do your own thing. Not sure if you guys are in social media but I'm sure if she started getting alerts and pics of you at a bar or club with friends (including girls) it might get her hamster spinning in your direction. Basically have a better time than she is having.

Obviously you understand how SMV works, and you seem to understand the underlying factors at play here. Always keep improving and always keep not giving a fuck about anyone but yourself and your kids. Good luck brother.

RPAlternate42 · 2015-11-06T15:47:07+00:00

When a wife tells you she is meeting a guy for drinks, you immediately say,

"okay, I have to go now, TTYL"

"Okay... B-... and then hang up.

Ignore further texts or calls, get a babysitter, go out and play.. Bonus points if it's somewhere one of her single friends might be.

Tellin her outright is tantamount to throwing a fit. Just doing it implies YDGAF. If you are seen and word gets out that you were out having fun without her and talking to women, itnisnimplied that you are a few tiers higher than you were before.

You can't control what she does... And she can't control you.

[deleted] · 2015-11-06T16:07:59+00:00

I know I give off a hippyish kind of IDGAF , but I have some deal-breakers.

This would be one. My wife stating this intent I'd take as she is committed to oath breaking and rubbing my nose in it as she feels like she's got her hand on the next branch and there's shit all I could do.

I plan to tell her I'm disappointed she thinks meeting a man for a date is appropriate for a married woman.

Sun Tzu would probably tell you: You don't attack from a point of weakness. You think she gives a shit about your "disappointment"? Waah.

<smirk> "You do that." Is probably the best from this point you could do.

Then I'd talk to a lawyer, get my legal shit together, and it'd be done. Not my fault it was just a bluff, certain things I just can't take as such. The clear level of contempt goes beyond appropriate for a married couple in my dynamic.

If you truly were viewed by her as high value smv then all you'd need to say is "No." probably preceded by a chuckle.

I doubt you'd be here if this was viewed by you as even an option .

BUT I'm also not some young urban jet-setter. So I have no idea how common this shit is in your circle. My wife is a sahm/ part time teacher and I've never had a taste for "career" women. I see it as unattractive and unfeminine. Maybe fine for a plate when dating. But no point in marrying one.

So for your lifestyle it might be more appropriate for you to just go ahead, tell her while she's gone you also have a meeting and already have a baby sitter lined up. Then follow through and go have "drinks" with chicks yourself while she's away , and then you two pick up when she gets back. How tiresome and dramatic. But I get it, different strokes for different folks.

a sidenote:

goal to reach Blue Pill Professor dread endgame next spring

Not sure why the top of the dread ladder is a goal for you. You should only step up what you need to when you need to.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-06T14:46:45+00:00

Ulrimatecad will have an opinion, and your won't like it.

Are you a shit tier man. If so, then the problem is you aren't a prize. Work on that.

If you are, then she's disrespectful. Girls don't schedule 1 on 1 with men.

I'm guessing the former. Wish her well, unfuck yourself, and be prepared to walk away, especially because you should be able to replace her if she acts on this.

I guarantee a cursory look at their bbm, text, email and Facebook messages will tell you what you need to know. Changes in behaviour too. Trust your gut, and..

do not act like a child, insecure, or butmad at any of this. She isn't yours. It was just your turn. Internalize this DGAF attitude

Start being awesome. There's no way a man with a little daughter shouldn't be able to get all kinds of female attention.

Or you might as well put his dick in yourself

Your map is no guarantee you'll keep her, it's a guarantee you'll be happy... The two things are not connected.

plein_old · 2015-11-06T17:17:33+00:00

I think maybe you are too worried about your SMV, or "externals" - external sources of validation for either you or the wife. This search never ends, there's always someone more successful who can come along, and the whole thing is founded on a sense of desperation. It's like building a mansion on top of quicksand.

I used to be with a woman who was hotter than me and made more than me. What she really wanted was for me to act like a man around her, not for me to get X number of promotions or lose Y number of pounds. Those might be nice, but they were secondary. Women don't count dollar signs, they just respond to emotions.

Bottom line is that (married) women are scary and force us to deal with our fears. I like the "Way of the Superior Man" book on the side bar.

But in your immediate situation, I'd say try not to feel threatened by the other dude. Don't presume it's a problem. Get over your insecurities. Presume that your wife values you. You're the father of her children. Women like to talk and fantasize and test people and wax and wane and flow all over the place, but it takes a really bad situation for them to want to disrupt their home, lose their husband and the father of their children. Of course blue pill men are experts at pushing women into that mindset.

Don't ever say you are "disappointed". You have to be like an oak standing in a fucking hurricane.

plein_old · 2015-11-06T18:19:05+00:00

Also, women don't take words as seriously as men do.

If a woman says some words, and her husband flips out, to her this means he's weak. He's not someone she can count on. He's unstable. He's like a little fragile daisy bending in the wind. In her mind she ain't even done anything yet, so why's he flipping out and acting unattractive and judgmental? Just confirms that she should check out what other men are like.

P.S. Um, what do you mean "combative"? Like psycho with knives combative? Always threatening legal action combative? Or just asserts herself and gets emotional?

The_Litz · 2015-11-06T16:20:57+00:00

There is NO valid reason for a ANY woman to have drinks with ANY man for purposes other than "romantic" or sexual.

Take your

We operate in "sophisticated" socioeconomic zone where professional men and women might have drinks as "friends."

and please look in the mirror. THIS IS AN EXCUSE YOU ARE MAKING FOR HER.

"Power" social events are SOCIAL - they are NOT one on one, Spouses are ALWAYS invited. And any other one on one meets ALWAYS take place during the day for LEGITIMATE business reasons.

With that being said, here is a scenario :

You : I am disapointed that you think its OK to have drinks with this man"

Her : " It's just drinks, what are you worried about, hmmm?"

DID you note that shit test?

Try this " ~~I see this as~~ This is disrespectful of me and of our marriage" Hug , kiss on the forehead. Walk away.

If you are not ready to answer a " what are you gonna do about it" type question with " Get a divorce if needed" you're fucked.

BUT beyond all that, the REAL problem is that SHE doesn't value you enough to have either ASKED, or better yet, HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-06T14:50:46+00:00

Going a bit deeper into the "you" part of your post, I see some red flags...

Red flag 1: I suspect you created a throwaway for this because you know that you are not swallowing the pill, and you are ashamed that you are not owning your shit. You are just lying to yourself.

Red flag 2: you say you are back in a dead bedroom. This is victim speak. If it's "back in a dead bedroom" after 6 months on "the pill", you know that it's your fault you are there. You know you've been slacking off, and now you are feeling some dread of your own. Sack up man.

Red flag 3: the tone of your post, in general, comes across as hamstering. You are making excuses and trying to rationalise the details to protect your ego. Stop doing that. If you dropped the ball, own it. If you've been slipping back to your pussy whipped days, own it. Sack up man.

Red flag 4

I plan to tell her I'm disappointed she thinks meeting a man for a date is appropriate for a married woman. And then watch what she does and escalate accordingly.

This kinda sums it up for me. There is nothing assertive about this plan.

Quarter_Century_Club · 2015-11-06T14:25:11+00:00

How long have you been married? Kids? Any financial entanglements?

This appears to be a classic shit test on her part. She told you about this drink date to provoke a reaction and your plan is enter her frame by whining about how disappointed you are and that you have to trust her to be somewhere overnight. That's blue pill nonsense. You STFU about it and escalate your levels of dread immediately.

bogeyd6 · 2015-11-06T21:33:15+00:00

You have managed to not satisfy her hypergamy. There is no real context in this post, and its not surprising from a throwaway. Your SMV lacks to her, and she sees it as lower to boot. She is a professional and having drinks with a colleague inside her industry. Does she plan to choke on his sperm at the end of the date? Probably not. Maybe it just happened. AWALT. Things like drinks with a guy(s) are going to happen when you are in business. I think that trying to stop her or setting a boundary at your level is ill advised. If she wants to cheat, she will.

whatagainst · 2015-11-06T20:54:47+00:00

Tell her to arrange the kid's babysitter while she's at it. Then go out, maybe tell her about it, if there is a good opportunity to do that.

chief_slap_ahoe · 2015-11-07T09:51:38+00:00

No you are missing it man. If you are top tier she would actively avoid situations like this in fear of losing her top tier man.

You are not close to top tier, hence her basiclly going on a date. If he is better, trust me she will swing and I doubt you'll ever find out. Note men can only be friends with ugly women.

When she told you this she knew what it would imply and didn't care because she sees her SMV so much higher than yours. Best thing you can do is watch, listen and check up on her. Have an MAP plan in case she steps out.

its-iceman · 2015-11-06T18:19:03+00:00

Oh, HELL no.

If she goes ahead with this, just prepare to walk. It will be more than drinks on the overnight trip. Much more than drinks.

She either already has slept with this man, or is planning to do so.

I'd lawyer up right now. You should be preparing to end the marriage, because she is.

Title	Wife is a planning drinks with a single guy, how to respond
Author
Upvotes	11
Comments	69
Date	06 November 2015 02:17 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/207928
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3rrjql/wife_is_a_planning_drinks_with_a_single_guy_how/