Wife thanks me for cleaning the kitchen.

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October 19, 2015

So we have to small children and I put the oldest to bed while she nurses the youngest. Sometimes the kitchen if a fucking mess and I clean it, not for her, but because it needs to be cleaned. She will come out and say, " thanks for cleaning the kitchen, you're such a good husband." Then just leaves. I used to just say uh-huh because I'm irritated that I have had to clean it after being at work all day, again. Should I be saying your welcome? Or just AA? Like, " yes I am a good husband."

Edit: thank you to all the responses. Great stuff.

Post Information
Title Wife thanks me for cleaning the kitchen.
Author awyden
Upvotes 8
Comments 15
Date 19 October 2015 01:41 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/208008
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3paskk/wife_thanks_me_for_cleaning_the_kitchen/
Similar Posts

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy

I adjusted my married mentality to be that of a man who is always practicing to be single; I am in training and need to get into the habits of being single. Do I intend to divorce my wife? No, not presently, but I accept divorce as a possibility at all times.

Because of this I do a lot of shit that just needs to be done: clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, vacuum, laundry folding, sweep, mop, etc. most of the time she stays on top of things that are typically her arena, but occasionally, mid week, I find that the living room is too much of a mess (kids) so I just clean, sweep, vacuum, and mop. Sometimes I need some piece of clothing that just finished drying, so I fold all the laundry.

She sometimes thanks me, sometimes not. Sometimes I thank her for what she does, and sometimes I don't. When she thanks me, I just say: "you're welcome."

If you choose to do a chore, the. You choose to do a chore with complete OI and no covert contracts.. If she thanks you, just say "you're welcome," but sometimes some light A&A can be playful: "you're right, I should win some kind of award for this!" Or "if you think this was good, you should stick around for how happy I'm going to make you later!" (With obvious sexual body language and overtones."

If you are irritated, set a boundary that you expect certain things like the kitchen to be cleaned, especially after it's been used. Don't tell her you are irritated (alphas don't get irritated, they set expectations and the. Withdraw attention when they aren't met.)

Hobby, build, lift.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes this is right on. I would add that if one finds himself cleaning too much or too often then this adds weight to the 'get rid of her' side of the scale. After all, what value is she adding if you're doing everything?

Think of it like this: the dirty kitchen/living room/whatever is an opportunity for her to add value. If she takes too long and you end up doing it: opportunity lost. Enough lost opportunities not elsewhere made up for = 'Next!'

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I clean it, not for her, but because it needs to be cleaned.

Great. You are clear on your frame here, and you are not making a covert contract.

" thanks for cleaning the kitchen, you're such a good husband."

I think you are handling this well too, say" you're welcome", or "yes I am a good husband", nothing wrong with these. The issue I think you've got though is that you are letting this shake your frame. You know that she is complimenting you for what you now perceive as a "beta" trait, so you are having difficulty accepting that compliment. Being the captain is not all about being 100% "alpha" all the time. Just accept the compliment. I don't know much else about your current situation, but maybe think along these lines :

" thanks for having the house so tidy when I get home from work, you're such a good wife."

" thanks for sucking my dick , you're such a good wife."

" thanks for being so kinky in bed, you're such a good wife."

In the "old days", you probably kept score of all the shit you did, kept a tally of your covert contracts, so maybe you are struggling a bit with how you feel like you just can't "let this go". You are letting this damage your outlook, your frame. Even if you don't verbally agree and amplify, just remind yourself to pay her a compliment sometime for doing something which you recognise as "good wife behaviour". And don't be afraid to get playful with those compliments.

We often stay at her mothers house, and often, her mother will end up doing some of our laundry, and often, that laundry includes some of my underwear. Her mother tries to shame me about how she washed my underwear, but I flip that around and now everytime she does that, I make out that it's one of the things she looks forward to from our visits, and how maybe I'll leave some behind for her to remember me by. Then when she stays with us, I tell her to leave her underwear out if she wants me to wash it. She's in her mid 70's. Now this is a running joke.

My point is, you've built a good frame, now you just need to learn to be comfortable living in it. Don't be afraid to do some house work in case she might compliment you for it. Take the compliment, and pay her some compliments in return later when you spot an appropriate opportunity. Watch out for covert contracts (which you are doing well) and don't violate your own boundaries.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My point is, you've built a good frame, now you just need to learn to be comfortable living in it

Very true, the concept is actually so simple we want to fiddle with it and cannot believe it was so simple all along.....

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha. I guess all men are "tinkerers" at heart, and don't like to read "instruction manuals". It's like the last remnants of AWALT denial. It's that moment where you finally accept that AWALT and then it's just plain sailing.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I just emphasize how this adds to my life. "No prob, it feels great when the kitchen is clean".

You don't fight the compliment, but show her approval is not a motivating factor for you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're not being taken advantage of. Yes, she thinks you're doing it for her. Don't worry, you have plenty of other places to establish what you're looking to establish.

It if you want to be overt, just say you're not doing it for her. But not needed

[–]RPSigmaStigmaRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The other comments have done a great job explaining the bigger picture, so I just want to add one point.

"Yes I am a good husband" isn't really agree and amplify, it's just agree. The point of A&A is to diffuse a shit test with slightly dismissive humor, and with a subtly hint of "I know what you're trying to pull and it's not going to work on me, because I get it." It's like a secret society decoder ring. It's a wink-wink-nudge-nudge kind of thing.

So, a better A&A would be something like "yeah, that's what all my wives say" or "and don't you forget it, little missy" (implying that if she does forget it, being as you're so great, you could easily replace her), or "blow me" wink/evil grin.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

in classic learning, I believe they call it 'reduction to the absurd'

[–]Glennus6261 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would just make it known that you're doing it for you or because the place is a mess, not because you want her gratitude. There is a very real phenomenon where you do something for a woman enough times (I think i've read 3 times is the magic number) and it goes from being a favor to an obligation.

Obviously she's got plenty to deal with having an infant and another child, but keep up your frame on all other things and project and undercurrent of not being super pleased that the house has gotten to this level of untidiness.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I clean it, not for her, but because it needs to be cleaned.

You start with a strong frame but then you describe this:

I used to just say uh-huh because I'm irritated that I have had to clean it after being at work all day, again.

As I think you know, that's a covert contract and you should get rid of it. You started this short post with a strong frame so you know what to do.

You can A n A before the cleaning- negotiate a price for your little whore. Doing the dishes gets you a BJ. Scrubbing the pans gets you PIV. And what is behind door number 3 if you clean and scrub the stove and countertops?

If you do it after then you cleaning was a covert contract. If you negotiate it before as a joking, A and A- or as an actual serious upping the ante in some cases- it becomes not covert at all.

[–]itsgavinc0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I understand you don't have a covert contract here. You have stated that you aren't cleaning the kitchen for her. Excellent.

From the female side, however, she is setting you up for future failure and future shit tests. Her stating "you are such a good husband," implies that if you were to ever NOT clean the kitchen, you would no longer be a good husband. Do not fall for this. Cleaning the kitchen will not get you sex. It will not make her happy. That "thank you" is all you are getting. Sometimes it's enough, but usually it isn't.

Remember, the Illimitable Men Maxim #70: “A woman’s mistakes never count, a man’s are never forgotten.” No matter what you do, you will never be ahead in the count.

Pick your battle here and set a boundary. Either clean it and don't be unhappy about it, or leave it a mess and go on with your life.

[–]awyden[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

implies that if you were to ever NOT clean the kitchen, you would no longer be a good husband.

Never thought of it like that, it makes sense.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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