Wife has a "new friend", wondering how to best handle the situation

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October 10, 2015

Not sure what details are relevant, let me know if I should provide more:

  • Married for 10 years
  • I've been doing general self-improvement for about 3 years
  • I've been incorporating more from red pill ideas for about 1 year

My wife has become more outgoing over the past year, and flirts with other guys more than before. She sees this as harmless flirting. I'm (mostly) fine with this as I understand women generally like attention from men, so I don't feel (much) anger about that, and instead of expressing my opinion on it, I don't engage in much discussion about it and continue with my own self-improvement.

Last week she made a "new friend" and it's persisted beyond just one encounter. She talks with this guy on FaceBook a bunch and they've gone together (with others, but without me) to a couple social events. I don't expect that she would intend to hurt me, but I'm quite aware that AWALT, and I see where this kind of thing could be headed if I fuck up.

On one hand, I can continue with STFU, lift, and outcome independence. From that perspective, I wonder if she's recruiting this guy as an orbiter, and I am the alpha fucks. It doesn't feel that way to me but it's certainly possible given the situation. In that case I'm doing well and maybe this is even a positive thing?

On the other hand, I may not be exciting enough to her, and she's going out with this other guy to get her tingle fix. Whether it's for him specifically or just for a more exciting night than not going out, it still seems like this is headed in a bad direction. In that case I'm not sure what to do - my current attempt at OI might have her pursue this route more, but any attempt to lead her away from it will probably just make her want it more (just like telling a teenage daughter that she can't date some particular guy). Both seem like a bad approach.

Also, it's only been a week, so this might fizzle out as quickly as it started. But it may not, and I'd like to be headed in the right direction now just in case.

Thanks all

Post Information
Title Wife has a "new friend", wondering how to best handle the situation
Author AnotherThrowAway223
Upvotes 7
Comments 30
Date 10 October 2015 04:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/208031
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3o8c9e/wife_has_a_new_friend_wondering_how_to_best/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
tinglesalpha fux beta buxalphaAWALTorbiterliftthe red pill

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

First things first, absolutely do not communicate anything about possibly feeling jealous or threatened by this guy to your wife. As far as you're concerned, you forget he exists the moment she stops talking about him. He's like an ant you barely notice on your way to the gym. However, I think her behavior is a little more alarming than you seem to think. Women don't practice dread game like men do. If she's flirting with other guys, it's because she likes it, not because she wants a reaction out of you. It also means that she doesn't respect you or see you as high value enough for your opinions about her to matter. She still sees you as a beta bux and your validation is easy and meaningless. She wants real validation from alphas. Just my 3 cents, but you know the situation better than anybody.

You're definitely on the right track here with shutting up and lifting, so keep at it. But be a little cautious about this scenario. Have you met this guy? Does he seem like a beta orbiter? That's going to be the deciding factor. If you meet this guy and he's Stanley betabux, or Chad Thundercock, it's going to be 2 very different outcomes. Your only real play here is keep improving, abundance mentality and dread game. Lots of dread game. You say you've been improving for 3 years. How often do you flirt with girls when you're with your wife? How is your SMV when compared to her perceived SMV? If my gf ever started hanging out alone with a guy "friend" I would be out at a bar with my friends talking to every girl I could while hitting the ignore button on my phone when she calls.

Either way, keep playing it cool, gauge the situation and go from there. Good luck bro.

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have not met him yet; I should. As you said, it doesn't change my strategy but it lets me know where the situation really is with her. That, and I need to up the dread game. Thanks for the suggestions.

[–]fasterpussycatdie5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dread games from a woman get an automatic next. If you were dating I would say drop her like third period french. I agree with cholomite, and would go as far as to say whenever she mentions this fuck (who knows damn good and well you're married) not only do you STFU but you withdraw your attention and affection. How often are you having sex? What's your dread level?

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have the urge to withdraw attention/affection when she's talking about him, but I thought it may come across as being butt-hurt, so for now I've just STFU and moved on to the next topic of convo or whatever.

Sex is often, 3-ish times per week, and not starfish. Sex has been good for the last few years, really. Dread level is solidly 3, with bursts of 4/5 here and there.

[–]SexistFlyingPig6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

It sounds to me like she's beginning to cheat. She's laying the foundation for something to "just happen". Something that she "just didn't expect". From what you've said, it sounds bad.

How does she have time to go out with him, and not you?

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I agree with you, that this is just setting things up for a "oops how did that happen?" down the road.

She met him at a group gathering for a birthday of a friend of her's. I already had other plans so I didn't go with her. So it seemed innocent enough at that point, but for the more recent gathering, I realized after the fact that I wasn't even asked to go. Shit, that's bad.

[–]Prince-Gnarls0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was the second 'gathering' something you can even confirm was more than just the two of them together?

FYI, to me it seems she has her eye on this new guy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If my wife is pulling numbers and going out on dates with other guys, she's not my wife anymore.

[–]SexistFlyingPig-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

So now that you've seen it's bad, you have to decide what you are going to do. While I don't recommend breaking down crying, begging for her to not cheat on you, you do have options. Emotionally, are you Outcome Independent?

You've been lifting and taking care of yourself. Keep doing this. Double down on this.

But what to do about your potentially cheating wife? Personally, I'd go with some teasing from the get go. If she mentions him on facebook, say something like "Oh, is that the guy you're cheating on me with?" with a big shit-eating grin on your face. But I think that what you do has to be something you can do 100%.

[–]grilledcheese502 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why did she go without you to social events? Why didn't you go with her?

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The first was a group gathering for a birthday of a friend of her's. I already had other plans so I didn't go with her.

No excuse for the second gathering, and it dawned on me today that she didn't even ask me to go. I really fucked up there. Still a lot of progress to be made.

[–]grilledcheese500 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If she took another dude to another social gathering without even asking you to go, that's a MAJOR sign of disrespect, and will create dread in the wrong direction.

Did she give a reason for why she invited him and not you?

[–]chief_slap_ahoe2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I think you need to read "married men sex life primer" fast. It has a chapter on this. Chapter #26. pg 283. "FACILITATING HER AFFAIR"

It sounds like she laying ground work for an affair. Is she spending almost as much time with him and talking with him as she is you, (aka facebook). Did he come up out of nowhere. She talk about him to you. Sex more often and more intense, sense he came around.

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I have read MMSLP, but I should look over it again. I probably would (foolishly) not be worried if I hadn't read it before.

He did come up out of nowhere - he was at a group gathering she attended for a friend's birthday. She's been talking with a lot since then (for about a week now). She does talk to me about him, though she did not for the first few days after they met.

[–]chief_slap_ahoe1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Brother she is giving you red flags. She may not be cheating, but I would bet she is getting tingles from him. She won't last much longer if it stays the course.

I personally think you have to watch the new friends more than the old.

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I agree that this is red flag central. I'm just not sure if there's anything I should be doing aside from STFU, self-improvement, and displaying OI (though obviously I'm not completely OI since I'd prefer she not go gather tingles from elsewhere). It seems not. Stay the course, I suppose. Thanks for the advice.

[–]adamalan3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

'STFU, lift and OI' in the face of a developing affair works fine if you don't want to save the marriage.

Marriage means boundaries; ones she's crossing. Boundaries unless enforced are lost.

STFU is to get folks to stop digging holes. To be more mysterious. To start communicating covertly. But some things need addressing overtly. But don't interpret STFU to mean avoid addressing overtly what needs addressing overtly. Thats just an beta excuse for conflict avoidance.

You still need OI; you can't whine like a beta bitch afraid of what she'll think.

You need to understand. Women NEED boundaries, they WANT them, even with they don't LIKE them. Ya she'll bitch, money, scream and fight about it but in the end she'll be happier, more joyful and more content.

But first you have to prove you're a bigger man than she is.

[–]trp_dude2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just a suggestion. I'm new to TRP so this may or may not be the right thing to do but here is what I would do if I were in your situation.

The unmarried guys have a different perspective - they generally say, "if your wife wants to have an affair, what do you care? Just go spin a plate." Well, if you're married and have kids, you and I know it's a different story.

The facts are that 1) a married woman flirting with other men in front of you is a sign of disrespect, 2) a man flirting with your wife is a sign of disrespect, and 3) a married woman going our on dates with a guy is a sign of disrespect.

You don't want to appear (or be) needy but look at it this way: if a dude came up and took food off your plate while you were eating, what would you do? Sure you don't NEED that piece of bread but you can't let people eat your food.

I know you shouldn't appear needy or threatened by another male. I'm not saying you should go butthurt on her. But you can't let your neighbor let his dog pee on your lawn.

Here is what I would do. I would tell your wife, "Look, if you want to go on dates with some guy, that's very amusing but it's completely disrespectful."

Seriously. If your wife IS GOING ON DATES with some guy, it's time to put up or shut up. Do you really have OI? This is a line that can't be crossed, or else all your TRP work is for naught. Alpha may not care if their plate dropped off and cracked, but an Alpha wouldn't tolerate his wife fooling around.

[–]trp_dude2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

OK Dude, I've done some research for you. Here is a link to Athol that you should read. There are 3 stages of mate guarding, and you're acting like you're in the green zone. Red zone is where you're at my friend.

[–]rp_orginalblend1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

AWALT, remember guys hang out with girls because they won't to fuck them. It depends on the guys skills and his SMV if he'll be successful. This is thing you cannot change. Why does she disrespect you participating with another men on this social event? Why is there room for another men to lead your wife's social life.

Accept this situation, understand that you can't control the nature of women nor your wife acting on this evolunitionary evolved behavior.

I think that the core of the problem is that your level of dread game is to high compared to your SMV: your wife still sees you as her beta provider, but a beta provider who isn't avialbile has no worth to a women.

Lowering your level of dread isn't an option to consider, so you only can increase your SMV. STFU, lift, be fun to be a round and improve!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The next time she makes plans to see this guy, just tell her "oh so we have an open relationship now? Cool. I've been wanting to fuck Candi from the Starbucks for a while now."

Edit: I'm new to MRP but I read something like this recently. If she's dating other men, you should be dating other women.

[–]mediamole0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You can't look weak, but you do need to act.

Yes, you can lift harder, but really, assuming you're not a train wreck you won't be raising his SMV much in the upcoming days or months.

Yes, if she's set on cheating she'll cheat, but you can greatly minimize that.

Here's a likely scenario: she's in a grey area that can go many ways. She's getting light tingles because someone new is paying attention to her and, so far, hasn't crossed any real lines. In her mind, they are absolutely "just friends."

That's all fine until her new buddy steps up the double entendres, listens to her life's troubles and starts to really understand her. Then, the slide from good buddy to fuck buddy is only a few glasses of wine.

Clearly set your expectations and boundaries, even 10 years into a marriage. If she's going to break those boundaries, that's her decision, but it will be a clearly conscious action, not an "accident." Personally, I hold myself to the same expectations I set for my girl.

Don't have those boundaries be just about this guy, but there's no reason to lie and pretend that it wasn't sparked by this. And there's no reason to explain your reasoning for the boundaries. A simple, "I won't have a wife who chit-chats with guys online or invites them to social situations without me" is enough explaining. Don't do it with a scolding voice, but be matter-of-fact.

You can spell out the "or else" to her or not, but know what it is. Just as important, be sure that you would carry it out. For my SO, I made it clear that fidelity begets fidelity. If she violates that, I may bounce her completely, but I'd plate her in a heartbeat.

Really, don't argue. Just do. You don't need to prove a point, only that you're firm about it. If she's willing to have you re-shape your marriage because of a new friend, she's gone already.

After all this ... assuming she gets in line, have fun and be cool. Meet the dude, who may not be a scumbag after all. Give her enough tingles so she knows she picked the right guy.

Good luck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

matter of fact is the key here. don't go into this spewing jealousy and emotion.

also, have backbone to follow up to protect boundaries. if you say this isn't how it is going to be and she won't accept it you have to be willing to pack the bags and leave...

[–][deleted] -4 points-3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Why do you care about her "friend" ???

Are you insecure in your marriage?
Are you insecure in your manhood? Are you not attractive enough Are you not STIMULATING enough???

Fix yourself. Then, any friend she friend zones isnt your problem . And if she does more than friendzone then, you have got a WHOLE other set of problems.

[–]AnotherThrowAway223[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm planning to always continue with as much self-improvement as I can do. It seems to go so slowly, but that's better than stagnating or regressing.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Then while he is fixing himself his wife is free to fuck her new friend. Care to rethink that advice?

Athol (MPBUH) is the only person I have read who writes about this concept of not letting your wife branch swing without a fight but it seems pretty intuitive to me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was talking more from the perspective of frame / self concept.

Re reading I understand how what I wrote comes across as so much BS...

What I was trying to say is along the lines of " what do you expect? / fix yourself first"

My point was that if he was as good as he can be, she wouldnt even be considering having this friend.

I have had this situation come up once, with my attitude of "who the fuck is he that you want to spend any time with him over me"

Didn't get upset, just subtly let the woman know my value VS this "friend".

There is fighting for your mate that is overt, which is fine. There is also "fighting" in such a way that she doesnt even consider it. Thats all I was talking about.

And absolutely I believe that if a woman cheats on her nice beta, she needs to be ok with loosing the betaBux

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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