I was in a deadbedroom for three and a half years. One year ago I discovered /r/deadbedrooms, but this subreddit is a rather depressing sub: People reassure themselves in hating their SO. But this subreddit didn't help me at all, besides showing that I'm not alone in a situation like this.
After a post I made their some savior sent me a private message and told me about the redpill. This was 12 months ago. Unrelated to this I started hitting the gym, a place I went to during my university days very regular. I stopped because the older I grew, my days very filled by more and more responsibilities.
I read some threads of /r/theredpill and I have to say I agreed with most of the ideas, but I didn't spend much time there. A bunch of angry virigins are people to give me advice. About two months later I had my first encounter with /m/marriedredpill and enjoyed reading the [FR]s over there. They gave me hope. All in all I took some time to sallow that pill, I started listening to /u/bluepillprofessor 's podcast, got NMMNG. Dr Roger Glover described my personality ridiculously precisely. I taught this book has all the answers I need. As I went to the gym, I decided to make some friends – to connect with other man. Besides joining my girlfriend's circle for social interaction, I went out with some guys from work occasionally or spent time with my friends from back in the day. Unfortunately this wasn't to often, because we all moved to different places and visiting them was a major time invest. As I was occupied by Sos, or to be exact: I felt like I had to be there for her. A typical stupid covert contract, because I believed if I fulfill her all emotional needs, she'll fulfill my physical needs.
Having my new gym buddies, I enjoyed my time at the gym. Also I took the initiative to organize barbecues to grill some protein rich sea food and chicken. Worth mentioning none of my four gym buddies invited their wifes/partners. I had found a new occupation, I started to look better (It's amazing how fast you see success if you put really dedication in working out and nutrition), I got compliments on my new build body from old friends, and random females – my partner never complimented me.
My life got better; I did as Glover told me. I went on trips to visit my friends. My partner became also more happy – maybe because it's more enjoyable to live with a less miserable partner or she had time to ride Chad Thundercock ( I have no reason to think she's cheating, but in retrospective: today after I finished swallowing the Redpill, I have no doubt that this isn't an unlikely possibility, since she was a sexual being before the deadbedroom).
During this time I continued to read more /r/mrp, I read the next four books of the sidebar. I started to track her cycle ( was easy because she never failed to complain about her period), I started to request sexual activity, did kino all the time, used STFU and AA. Sex life increased although I can't count the times I was called being a dick. Increase means in my case, that we went up from no sex to sex once a month and occasionally handjobs. Sex wasn't good she continued to complain about vaginal pain and told me hurry up, during handjobs she complained that her arm hurts from wanking me off. I decided on getting a new hobby (playing soccer again, a thing I started to do through all my childhood days and youth) and on successfully applying to a better position in my company (by simply asking for it). I spent less time at home. I was happy. The sex life got better, sex became a every two week thing
Until recently: I evaluated the app clue and the notes I made. Now I'm just motherfucking angry. Why because I noticed that my fucking partner is repulsed by my sperm, especially during her ovulation window. She's absolute focused on avoid any contact with my spern, during intercourse and during handjobs. This is the biggest humiliation I had ever endured. Helpful to understand her behavior was this https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3fpefe/every_unhappy_wife_is_a_rape_victim/ by /u/archwinger and a story a biologist at a zoo told me years ago ( female Chimpanzees have an interesting sex life, during her ovulation window they only fuck the alpha male and are absolutely repulsed by beta male's sperm. Apes masturbate a lot and if a female sees a beta male jerking off when she ovulating, she moves a way from him very quickly. At times there's unable to get pregnant [males aren't aware of that] she fuck with the betas to get benefits and avoid aggression).
So this revelation that I'm just an absolute beta to my partner, was yesterday. I'm devastated, I couldn't think clearly all day, I thought about her two previous partners, who had many alpha traits, and how they fucked my partner in all kinky ways. ( I know this, because during dating we talked a lot about our sexual history). All I get is fucking duty sex or fucking handjobs.
I am deeply disgusted by her, my self esteem crushed within a single day. After work I went to a bar on my own to get hammered (which I'm doing right now, I'm lucky enough that this shitty bar filled with loosers has w-lan.. So have mercy on my writing I'm drunk and I'm french so my English isn't the best. This weekend I have to attend a wedding with her, but I don't feel like I can continue this relationship after this. Although last week was the best week, we had in years: I fucked her four times (more often than in 2014). The reason for this sudden change of her heart? Mate guarding: Last Friday she came to my workplace to fetch me because we were going to a concert straight after work. And I did some thing which took all my balls, I flirted with my 21 year old, hot, blonde trainee in front of her. Speaking of mate guarding: When we started dating I had two female friends which were great friends to me and also had sex with. At the time the relationship with my partner became serious, I stopped fucking them, but kept in touch with them, because they were great friends. My partner was of course jealous, accused me of cheating on her, cried before I met with one of this women. But our sex life was the most awesome I ever had. Finally she made me cut them off from my life and boom deadbedroom.
Breaking up seems the only solution after my realization. After sallowing the Pill how can anyone stay in a relationship where he was used as a beta provider ?
I'm not a very emotional person and I haven't felt this hate and anger in years.
Cheers brothers, thanks for enabling me to regain control over my life.
Edit: Thanks guy for your feedback.