Dealing with rude behavior from wife.

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September 18, 2015

I am still a newbie, so bear with me.

My wife has a tendency to snap at me occasionally. For example, tonight I was packing for a trip while she was doing work in her laptop. I made some bad joke and she just turns to me, gives me a sigh like I am irritating her, and rudely barks "What?"

I didn't let her get into my frame and just continued packing without responding. She then half heartedly apologized about her work being difficult.

Do I ignore her rude snappy comments like these?

It's like living with Archie Bunker over here.

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Title Dealing with rude behavior from wife.
Author Kosmoknots
Upvotes 7
Comments 31
Date 18 September 2015 04:57 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Regardless of what caused her snappiness, you need to know that her reaction to it is her own issue. "maintaining frame" here is all about not getting drawn in to reacting to her reaction.

There is a subtle difference between "reacting" and "responding". The difference is mainly down to your frame of mind, and how much conscious control you have over your actions. Reactions tend to be automatic, and therefore "unconscious" to some degree. Choosing to "respond" instead of react is where you wanna get to. Also, your "response" may very well be just a display of body language, or pure silence (STFU).

So, regardless of how good or bad your joke was, sounds like you "responded" pretty well by doing nothing. In the beginning, just being aware of the times where you let yourself react instinctively (and most likely unconsciously) is already good progress. The reason STFU works well as a strategy is that it is generally applicable in most situations, and if you happen to STFU at the wrong time, you can parley it into a moment or two to choose an appropriate response anyway.

It's easier to recover from STFU than it is from saying the wrong thing. Also, acta non verba

[–]dandar46005 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I just tell my wife to watch her attitude. If she keeps on behaving shitty I leave the room. She followed me once trying to start a fight and I told her she was being a bitch and left the house. Since then she behaves. Two days ago she was being snappy, I told her to not give me an attitude and she promptly STFU.

The FB and being snappy in the car is just plain disrespect. She doesn't respect you. Keep lifting, keep passing shit tests, do not accept shitty behavior and she will start giving you respect. It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen eventually.

Edit: Calling her a bitch was a mistake. I don't recommend doing it. You can just state that you won't tolerate that behavior and leave. She never brought up to me that I said that to her, but another woman might call you out on it and at that point I'm not sure whether telling her to not act like one is better than apologizing. I probably wouldn't apologize for stating a factual behavior but some hamsters are more active than others. So proceed accordingly.

[–]Nebulose112 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Any of you all have a problem where after she apologizes it doesn't seem as if she even understands what she is apologizing for so you try to explain why you are upset and it just comes off as unnecessary lecturing since she all ready apologized?

Do I need more STFU and not less give a fuck?

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, yes you do need to STFU. If you ever go explaining anything you get one shot at it. From there on out the expectation has been set and all you can do is enforce boundaries.

Remember that no one gives you shit, you take it. Stop giving your woman permission to be bitchy to you and she will or she's gone - by your choice or hers.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats what I do. The apology means jack shit to me.

even happened last night. Super tired, ergo, bitch to me. Completely removed comfort. She got mad, then got sad, then apologized. I'll change behaviour when she's treating me well.

Never talked about it, AM/AA/Fogged any of her questions, went to sleep.

[–]mrpCamper2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Since you're a newbie here I would advise to STFU at first. Her first training lesson is that when she snaps at you or is a bitch, you will ignore and if possible leave and do something else. Your homework is over the next few weeks you are training yourself to be able to use comments and techniques suggested below such as amused mastery or a suggested comment such as "I don't know what you're problem is, but there's no need to be a bitch".

Most likely if you come out with that one now, she is going to bite your head off and you are unprepared to defend against it. Get yourself to the point where her bite will be less and you will be mentally stronger to handle that come back.

Start by recognizing it and changing your behavior to STFU - for now.

[–]enfier2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm all about frame, but here is where I think STFU just doesn't do the job. You and your wife are playing some sort of eternal game of the iterated prisoner's dilemma. If she snaps at you and you don't retaliate (in some fashion) then there's just no incentive not to snap at you.

Holding frame doesn't mean sucking up abuse like a punching bag, although it can be a useful tactic for sucking the wind out of an argument that you are going to win via actions anyways.

You don't want to come across as butthurt, but you can choose to react in a way that penalizes the behavior. Typically it's best to just remove yourself from the situation, you can also calmly insist that she refrain from speaking to you in a bad tone or you can just nuke it and get angry. Which one works best will probably depend on your wife, but it's likely that you already know which one is effective.

I will say that the halfhearted apology seems like STFU did the trick - she realized that her behavior was hurtful and inappropriate at some level.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

pft. heres the dilema...

You have affection, and committment. Also, she needs you more than you need her.

All she has to do is be pleasant and sexually available.

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Instead of your wife, picture a 12 year old acting the same way and saying the same things. Pretty funny, huh? Respond to the 12 year old instead of responding to your wife.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This 'working on the laptop' is BS.

My wife does the same shit. She sits in bed with the laptop doing work at night. Fuck that, if you have work to do go sit in your home office, dining room table or even kitchen table.

She becomes highly irritable because 'can't you see I am busy'.

The bedroom is not a work area.

edit: I am assuming that it was the bedroom as you were packing your bags

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"She was doing work on her laptop".

Kinda relevant. If she's got a good sense of humor at other times that should tell you something. It could come across as a little boy tugging on mommy's pant leg for attention when she's busy.

Still. Whatever the case: The difference between you having a tough crowd and a comedian is that once you judge it's a shit crowd you get to stop.

I like to joke around a lot to, my wife gets that when she's receptive to it. Otherwise I spend my energy elsewhere.

[–]jcrptaRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If you ever figure this out, tell me how, because my wife is exactly the same. She is physically incapable of holding down a civil conversation when she gets like that; the best solution I have so far is just to put the phone down on her or walk out of the room. Which shuts her up, but is invariably hamstered as me "flouncing off".

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

if he figured out how to stop it, he'd rule the world in a week.

[–]nantucketghost-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

explain how telling her how you feel, and how she got a reaction out of you is beneficial?

A wee little girl shouldn't make you mad. She may be too cunty to waste your time on, but not get you mad

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm kind of an asshole. So I'd probably leave the room shut off the main breaker to the house, get in my car and drive off.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

FFS lol.

Normally I'd call that bitch behaviour, but that just makes me laugh. Especially if she doesn't know how the magic electricity box works. The water shutoff would be the same.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's the reason I'd do it. Because I would get a huge laugh out of it. She wouldn't even be able to find it and would text me non-stop freaking out.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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