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Beginner here, not sure if I should keep initiating sex if I keep getting rejected

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September 8, 2015
7 upvotes

So, I've been reading all the sidebar material and trying to internalize most of it before even trying to do anything so I don't screw up.

I'm in a 10 year marriage that has become a dead bedroom. We don't "lack intimacy" in that terrible way like she won't touch me, can't stand being touched, no kisses etc. Just sex won't happen because she's always tired or self-conscious about her weight (she is in NO WAY fat, just a flabby belly) or a lot of other bullshit excuses. I keep getting rejected.

I've also read a lot of useful posts on MRP on how to deal with rejection (like a peck on the cheeck, get up and just go do something else or leave the house, not showing any negative emotions.)

When I start applying the techniques to deal with all the shit/comfort tests and stop acting like a beta bitch, should I keep trying to initiate sex or should I just stop while I get my shit together? This part really confuses me.

Thanks.


Post Information
Title Beginner here, not sure if I should keep initiating sex if I keep getting rejected
Author mwcietsal
Upvotes 7
Comments 13
Date 08 September 2015 05:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/208117
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3k4dw8/beginner_here_not_sure_if_i_should_keep/
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Comments

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Really depends on you and how well you can maintain frame. Some will say always escalate, always initiate. Others will say initiate if you want to. If you're in need of major improvement then a cooling off period might be helpful for frame reset.

More detail here would be helpful. Are you weaksauce or do you lead? Do you lift? Are you running your own agenda and program or are you in her frame?

One thing is clear: if you're getting excuses like 'too tired' then the attraction is not there. She sounds comfy but not tingly. You supply the tingles or someone else will.

[–]mwcietsal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

More detail here would be helpful. Are you weaksauce or do you lead? Do you lift? Are you running your own agenda and program or are you in her frame?

Just started lifting and running. Up until this point, totally in her frame. Always explaining myself, always justifying. Lots of conversations about how I feel and about lack of sex. Standard stuff you'd read on /r/deadbedrooms. Glad I found MRP and really looking forward to changing all this.

And yes, I'm pretty sure the attraction isn't there anymore. I'll make sure to change this, but it's a lot to take in.

The most important thing I'm telling myself right now is to just shut the fuck up. I open up way too much.

[–]itstartstoday1231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So, I've been reading all the sidebar material and trying to internalize most of it before even trying to do anything so I don't screw up.

Your gonna screw up but don't operate out of the mindset of if I don't do this perfectly then I won't do it. You'll end up with a dead bedroom out of being apprehensive about failure. You have to test what you have learned. Think of it as a live fire drill if you were ever in the military.

I'm in a 10 year marriage that has become a dead bedroom. We don't "lack intimacy" in that terrible way like she won't touch me, can't stand being touched, no kisses etc. Just sex won't happen because she's always tired or self-conscious about her weight (she is in NO WAY fat, just a flabby belly) or a lot of other bullshit excuses. I keep getting rejected.

Are you lifting? You didn't mention that. I have lifted for nearly three months Now at 4 days a week and purely by bettering myself my wife has started asking to go to the gym or exercising in her own. If you better yourself then she will to.

Bullshit excuses? It's your job to eliminate those "bullshit excuses". They are last minute resistance and you will have to power through those or get the hard no and move on.... OI.

Her: I feel like a whale with this flabby belly.

You: huh? What?

Her: are you not listening to me?

You: no I was not listening to you. I was just thinking about that ass of yours and how bad I want to spank you while I'm taking you from behind.

They are shitty comfort tests. Ignore them and push through them. Distract Her hamster.

When I start applying the techniques to deal with all the shit/comfort tests and stop acting like a beta bitch, should I keep trying to initiate sex or should I just stop while I get my shit together? This part really confuses me.

My train of thought when starting was if I can be outcome independent if she says no then I initiated. I still failed but that was train of thought. I didn't want to go to long without initiating so I would not put the pussy on a pedestal. By becoming OI you take it off the pedestal and helps you test your own frame. Failure yields results only because you have the ability to ask yourself what went wrong and correct your course. Are you walking away when she says no? Trying to push through LMR with AM, A&A? How are you handling rejection?

Of course if you wine and bitch and moan and beg for sex then stop initiating until, as you put it, your not a Beta Bitch.

How is everything else? Does she defer to you on everything? Sex is usually a symptom of other problems.

[–]dandar46001 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

We don't "lack intimacy"

This is where you lose. You give her intimacy without her needing to put out. Cut that shit out. If she doesn't keep your balls empty she doesn't get to have the cuddles.

Also what have you done so far? How far along are you reading? Are you lifting at least 3 times a week? If not, then you're not doing your part. I went on vacation, stopped lifting for a week and turned into a weaksauce lazy beta fuck. It took me another week to get back into my previous routine and start doing shit without her asking. You absolutely have to lift, otherwise you get lazy and you better know that your wife will notice. Mine certainly did.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

should I keep trying to initiate sex or should I just stop while I get my shit together?

Several guys have had this issue with my 12 Steps of Dread. I think it is clarified in the book but the post had a limit.

Basically it is a choice you need to make. Generally you want the frame that a sexual denial is nothing- you just don't have time for a sex denying wife. So you withdraw your attention for the rest of the day/night. Then the next day NOTHING HAPPENED so you initiate again or not as if nothing happened. Build up to the initiation as if it is going to happen. Kino, seduce, etc. Then hard initiate. Then withdraw your attention if denied again. Rinse...Repeat until she gets the message.

[–]VictorERink0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great clarification, Professor. I've been missing this consistently. When I get a denial I disengage and go do my business/fun stuff. She hamsters herself into an upset and rebuffs any comfort. And the next day she's still holding onto that upset so any initiations fall on infertile soil, so to speak. I keep it light and OI, but she still staggers. I hope someday soon she'll come to me for comfort when she's upset by this business so I can parlay that into sex.

[–]mwcietsal[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So you withdraw your attention for the rest of the day/night. Then the next day NOTHING HAPPENED so you initiate again or not as if nothing happened. Build up to the initiation as if it is going to happen. Kino, seduce, etc. Then hard initiate. Then withdraw your attention if denied again.

Right, but if I want the frame that denial is "nothing" won't withdrawing attention seem like "something"? She'll certainly notice something is up, and it may look like I'm pissed off. If she asks what's wrong, why I'm distant or something, I'm not sure what to do that won't make it seem like the rejection is getting to me.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She'll certainly notice something is up

So what? In fact...Good!

If she asks what's wrong

Hold frame and do NOT tell her. She knows. You know. This is just a song and dance you need to play. Communicate covertly the consequences of a sexual denial and do NOT admit verbally what you are doing. Pat her on the head as you walk out the door. Smile and roll your eyes. Hold your frame.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think it's no harm to tone down your initiations for a while, until you get your head straight. And by straight, I mean that you are mentally prepared before you initiate for the possibility of rejection and have your game plan in place. Outcome Independence.

One night a while back, I was brushing my teeth before bed and I planned out a scenario in my head where I basicly got into bed naked beside her, told her she was a bit overdressed for the occasion, and then observed her reaction. I would of course have been fine if it progressed to sex, but I was more interested in testing out a theory. My "non sex" plan was to just sleep naked, and my "progress to sex" plan was to try to provoke her into being a bit more proactive on that occasion. I was gonna win either way, because her reaction is what I wanted to observe. I wanted to put myself there for her to respond sexually to if she wanted, but I wanted to use it as an opportunity to "watch what she does".

Oh yeah, we had sex, with a warm up BJ.

[–]spexer0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

still initiate. you are becoming a still oak that doesnt talk so much. She cant seem to get a rise out of you and your seem aloof, mysterious.... as she tries to figure this out, one thing is constant - you are hitting on her, always.

However when she says no, you act like it is no big deal, and then go off somewhere.

what's up with this guy? (push/pull, dread, IDGAF, OI - learn these and show the new you through actions, not talking)

[–]whatagainst0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think 'keep trying' is the right answer here, but if you know you haven't done your shit beforehand, i.e. not enough seduction, all day foreplay, etc., – it doesn't make much sense going for something that won't give you any results, unless you aim for something other than the sex, obviously.

[–]chadthundersock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get as hot as you can by lifting, eating clean, possibly new haircut, whiten teeth, tan, new wardrobe. She WILL notice this shit. Womens notice everything. In short "looks-maxing".

She will also notice all the attention you'll be getting from other ladies. THAT will spin her out and make her realize she better up her game.

I guarantee she wouldnt be "too tired" or "too fat" if Channing fucking Tatum happened to stop by the house.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Only thing I'd add in addition to what /u/SorcererKing has said is that you're now unavailable for the intimacy that seems to fulfill her needs without meeting any of yours.

She gets only when escalating and if she starts reciprocating in the ways YOU need. Otherwise you've got other things to do.



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