708,359 posts

Living in doubt about my wifes past infidelity

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January 29, 2019
31 upvotes

Background:

New guy here, found MRP about 2 months ago and have been reading everything, still in progress.

Married 6 years, 1 kid, wife is a stay at home mom, I own/run a successful business.

Lifts: bench 255, squat 385, deadlift 415, overhead press 185

Stats: 5 ft 10 - 205lbs Not sure about bodyfat but i'm fairly lean.

For the most part my life is excellent. My wife is a good wife and a great mother. Shit test come and go but nothing major. Sex about 3 times per week and is good, no complaints there either. House, business, finances are doing well and progressing as I've planned. So now to the problem...

Around the end of my first year of marriage sex started to drop off and my wife started acting kinda strange. Alarm bells went off and I had this gut feeling she was cheating on me. I dug in and tried to find out what was going on but I never got any conclusion. Out of frustration I eventually asked her straight out but she denied everything. The problem with that (outside of the stupidity of asking) is that she denied things I knew to be true so I lost trust.

While this was going on I spent more time on myself, my business and at the gym. Had I known about MRP back then I would have probably had a better game plan but all I knew was the gym so I did that. I never found any real evidence of her cheating but my gut won't let it go. No matter how much logic says nothing happened my gut insists that a women does not act that way for no reason.

Sometime after all this she got pregnant and then everything changed. I had little trust in her by then so I paternity tested my kid and I'm sure he's mine. Since I had no evidence I decided to move forward and to try and push this shit out of my mind. But it's been 4 years and I still regularly think about this. For me cheating is a deal breaker and my gut and my head are in constant conflict. I realize I will probably never know the truth but do I simply live with this?

Any guys out there dealt with this sort of thing? Do I need to squash my ego am I being an insecure bitch? I'm okay if she cheated, I would divorce her and move on but I hate the idea that she fucking cucked me and I'll never know the truth. This shit fuels some seriously intense gym sessions but I'm fucking tired of living in doubt. I'm not even sure what I'm asking cause I don't see a resolution but fuck this makes me angry... I'm tired of thinking about it so I'd thought I ask for another perspective.

I know I could go out a fuck some other chicks but at the end of the day I'd still be married to a women I don't trust. Loyalty is important to me so I wont do this but I've considered it and I don't think it would help. How do I stop thinking about things I'll never know the answer to?


Post Information
Title Living in doubt about my wifes past infidelity
Author blackironlung
Upvotes 31
Comments 40
Date 29 January 2019 06:29 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/210546
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/al3048/living_in_doubt_about_my_wifes_past_infidelity/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret48 points49 points  (4 children) | Copy

I had some professional help dealing with the same type of insecurity from over a decade ago. I was lucky that I stumbled upon a professional who happened to be pretty RedPill in his advice.

You’re never going to know the truth, so you have to decide wether or not you want those thoughts driving YOU crazy for the rest of time. His advice to me, treat it the same as any other type of obsessive compulsive disorder. When your mind starts going to that place, think about or do ANYTHING else. Eventually you find that they come up less and less frequently.

Followed by, you can’t change the past that you don’t know. It’s gone. You judge the present based on what you know now and her actions today. If things are good, enjoy them in the present. Why ruin today by chasing ghosts?

His last bit of advice was RedPill as fuck. If she does it again and you find out, where is your loss? You leave her and move on to someone younger, fitter, and tighter. You’re still relatively young, successful and attractive and will have no trouble with women.

The only thing you have to lose is today, by obsessing about what if’s that you will never be able to confirm one way or the other.

[–]innominating9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

That last sentence is truth.

[–]jerrymcguiver2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I had to do this with my ocd retroactive jealousy. Been months and out of the blue today at work i had to keep repeating it's not worth it to the thoughts of my wife sucking this guys dick. It passed like an old nicotine craving and now I'm solid again. Used to spend hours on end every day brainstorming about it.

[–]marksiwelforever0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Maybe she just liked sucking his big dick and not your baby dick. Or maybe she liked sucking his dick because she knew it would hurt you for years to come.

[–]jerrymcguiver0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

His dick was 7 inches as she told me he measured it and would stretch it against the ruler when she watched. Wife told me all the good details back in the day. Bp good listener me was all for the details. Im actually 7 1/4 so i got his ass beat.

[–]RedPillCoach17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy

We are not here to provide your answers, only possible solutions.

Some guys will call you a faggot for not pulling the pin on the grenade when you first suspected infidelity.

Some guys will tell you to put it behind you and you can make it work.

Either way, the stay plan is the same as the go plan but do pick a path won't you. You know what happens when you stand in the middle of the road?

If you choose the stay plan and want to know: "do I simply live with this" then the answer is yes you do. More importantly, you put it behind you or you put her behind you. Your choice.

Just don't forget: "Doveryay, no proveryay"

How do I stop thinking about things I'll never know the answer to?

This is basic CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is basic CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT FTW. It works.

OP, you obviously can’t change your thinking on your own. Try this

[–]Frosteecat13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

I look at the day I started to seriously lift and dive into RP principles and behaviors as my new Birthday. The date is etched indelibly on my soul: 8/18/18.

In my opinion, 99% of the problems previous to that date were my fault. I know for a FACT my wife had at least a long distance EA years ago. I'm pretty sure at some point she probably got fucked up and screwed some guy as well. I had complete proof of the former, threw the evidence in her face and ended it. The latter?? I have zero evidence but take comfort in just assuming it happened because I was God Emperor Beta-Fag on Blue Pill Mountain. And deserved it.

I used to torture myself over this crap all the time because I was weak, insecure and lame. Once I decided to reclaim my balls from her and from society I installed another set of rules. Rules hard taught in this very sub. Not my woman, my turn--but the incredibly liberating thing is this: I get bigger, better, smarter, tougher and less outcome dependent every day since that "birthday". Anything that she does from that day forward is dealt with in a completely new frame.

If I hold on to all my own past mistakes, I'm doomed. I can't move forward. The weight is too heavy. I use it to push myself and to fuel the rage at my own former failures to stride forward--ever forward.

Since I decided to salvage my marriage in the process, she gets the same pass. The weight of her past behaviors would be too much to progress. She has no clue about any of this. But her behaviors NOW equal my own current behaviors. That's all that matters. No matter what happens (and believe me, any infidelities, real, intellectual or whatever the fuck would end this marriage now) my response is based on the value I place in myself and the loyalty that value DESERVES.

If you are changed or changing, that is the new benchmark for her behavior. The you of the past got what he deserved. Move forward or cut bait and start over.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You get an internet point, I think you now slightly less retarded.

[–]Frosteecat3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Slightly less" is probably more than I deserve. Abundance comes from the well of retardation.

[–]hystericalbonding25 points26 points  (1 child) | Copy

she denied things I knew to be true

Everybody lies. They lie more often when they know that the reaction to the truth will be severe. You obviously have a track record that contributed to her reluctance to tell the truth at that time. From the sound of it, those habits of yours have not changed.

Everyone will lie to you, until you become someone who can handle the truth.

[–]JCX_Pulse8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Goddamn. The second paragraph stuck with me.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Read this - a top post by u/ReddJive

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/9bivv4/youre_being_cucked_what_do_you_do_about_it/

But in short: Yes its your ego, and hamster.

There is too much scaremongering on here about cheating for my liking. We don't know your wife, her history, yours... There is just as much chance she cheated at a completely different time, than when you reference. Sure, strange behaviour needs monitoring. But maybe an old flame was trying to get it on with her, and she was turning him down and trying to hide it. Maybe she went to 3rd base with a woman. Only you can pass judgement on this.

The secret to internal peace is to let it go. Some people would go out and cheat themselves, others get divorced. But at the end of the day, you need to overcome your fear of 1) how you would feel if you and everyone else found out she did, and 2) continuing your life without her.

Then you're good.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its easy to spot a yellow car when you are always thinking of a yellow car.

Its easy to spot opportunity when you are always thinking of opportunity.

Its easy to spot reasons to be mad when you are always thinking of being mad.

You become what you constantly think about.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some of the best pussy I have ever had was when I was fucking married chicks, or milf single or married moms asking me to “move their furniture”for them when the SO might be out of town

It’s absolutely amazing how hard they can fuck, when their needs aren’t met at home by the guy that should be doing it.

I vetted for quality and now as I am unfucked and past this rough patch, Mrs Screech is coming enough buckets we have two mattress covers, and a hospital pad that catches most, but not a lot while I am banging away doggystyle. Or, she is flooding my face.

Fact of the matter is she had only really fucked boys as she stated, then she met me. My older brother had always given me advice on the top of satisfying and fucking like a man on a mission, but laying out enough forplay and teasing to “own” her with my actions, sexually

It’s important to look at your post and see the holes.

Are you certain the child is yours biologically? Your statement of the dna test is not crystal

What is it that you lack in confidence, that the idea of her cheating on you is weighing on you after all this time, and what was going on at the time to kill your attraction for her to fuck around ??

Many here will fag you this or that, but I take the sidebar route along with the biggest equalizer of them all, OYS.

Yes. This is your fault as is poor money management. As in only you can do the best to watch your own money, or control yourself to keep the pussy in your stable.

BTW. I get asked sometimes, how I keep a woman like mine from veering with so many offers. Frame, mission and abundace.

So as I jet off to my next excursion, OYS, kill thy ego and seriously, put the needy child out of his misery

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine25 points26 points  (5 children) | Copy

If everything is great right now and she’s putting out, don’t go looking in the garage faggot.

Chalk it up to being a pussy. Get over it.

“Do I need to squash my ego am I being an insecure bitch?”

Yep. Pussy. It wasn’t her fault. It was yours.

You’ll look like a insecure pussy beta if you ask about it.

[–]Bushpilot8176 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

MCT is right.

I know, because that was me six months ago. Similar situation, doubts about stupid shit that may or may not have happened in the past.

Truth is, you’ll never know.

Stay or go, either way, you have to put it behind you and move forward. Dwelling on it will just consume you.

You should have better ways to spend your limited amount of time than worrying about shit that doesn’t matter anymore.

[–]Imaginary_Historian4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have to wonder. Women will themselves usually blame husbands when they cheat, taking no responsibility for their actions. But does that mean we should also hold them blameless?

Sure, I can acknowledge that they often act like children and to some extent, children know not what they do. But to say that they are blameless in the horrible things they do doesn't quite seem right either.

[–]ArthurTheAstronaut0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

lmao. You sound like a bad Letterkenny scene.

Might be trying a little too hard bub. I don't care how good your advice is or how awesome everyone here thinks you are. You sound fucking ridiculous.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I can’t imagine a better response, bub.

Troll much?

[–]ArthurTheAstronaut3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Troll much?

Not even a little bit. Is it impossible to give solid advice without trying so hard to sound like a hard ass?

He sounds like a 14 year old trying to sound like a hardass on the internet. Pussy. Fiskey.

Just give good advice and shut the fuck up with the rest. You little bitch. Boomtown.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cheaters cheat.

Read my affairs post.

[–]IRunYourRiver2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

2 months is nothing. RP works over much longer timescales. The priority is to stop allowing your wife to dominate so much of your thinking. If you can't tell if she cheated, I certainly am not going to be able to tell. But the root problem is that your gaze is fixed on your wife and not yourself or the external world. Bring the focus on yourself and allow your decisions to be made rationally. Then, make your decision. You aren't there yet. (FWIW, me neither).

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

What did she lie about?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yea i have been in a similar situation only the version of me she cheated on was a total fucking waste of human skin that deserved to be cheated on. And I wasn't fucking her at the time.

It still bugs the fuck out of me.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Any guys out there dealt with this sort of thing?

No. No man here has ever dealt with this or anything remotely like it. You have hit upon the most unique scenario ever.

Let me ask you something. Why the fuck does it matter? Scan the headlines of AskTRP, AskMRP and there is some variation of this question being asked. yet it's all the same purpose and intent.

Why oh why is my wife like this? we are married she should have loved me and cherished me and....

blah blah blah All that question asks is it's hoping that she will be someone she is not. If she saw what she did was wrong, wouldn't she have made up for it at the time? We all thought that at one point about our pretty little unicorns. we all though we found the girl with the magic pussy, the girl that really understood us. She said all the things. Promised the world.

am i striking a nerve yet?

Doesn't matter if she cheated on you. Doesn't matter if she ever really loved you but married you out of convenience. Stayed with you to get what she wanted. Doesn't matter if she fucks you because a woman will do whatever it takes to make you think that things are fine so she gets what she wants. She will say, do, think anything to keep you just one more day. Then she will justify it as all changed at the drop of hat.

The red flags don't matter either. Life events can be red flags but you know we are rationalizing animals and can make anything out of something if we really want to. Justify that all you can buffet to be a "dirty bulking" period of your diet.

None of it matters.

What matters is what you are doing. How YOUR actions make you feel and what that is doing to you. What matters is what you make of today, now, and how you move forward in the future. You have literally lived in one moment for 4 years. I don't care about your lift stats, your MRP progress none of it. You can tell me you are making progress as the Chad of Chads and yet, you still live in that very moment 4 years ago.

None of what you have done or will do matters until you solve that singular issue. None of us here can do it. she can't do it. Divorce if you want, I mean cheating is a deal breaker right? If you feel that strongly man the fuck up and do something about it. Otherwise shut your mouth and move the fuck on knowing full well that your unicorn either fucked another guy or guys, or at best left enough doubt to make you think she did.

yet none of it matters. Not a single one. You can't roll up your sleeves if you are wringing your hands.

What are you going to do high speed?

[–]JameisBong5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hate to say it, she probably did it. Time and being busy will heal that shit. Keep an eye on her, it may happen again.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Of course she did.

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She’s not yours it’s jist your turn.

Now what do YOU want from life? Answer that, and then take it.

And stop being such a little bitch. If it’s bugging you that much go fuck some strange.

[–]ManguZa-2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy

Around the end of your first year of marriage you started to suck and your wife lost trust in you. How could you be such a faggot. Even now she think about the fact that you're not the infallible guy she want and ask herself about it. Strengh is important to her.

But she choose to stay. She had your child, and carry her part of the relationship.

Let the past be the past.

[–]TopOccasion291 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Agree with your first paragraph but OP should have pulled the plug after losing trust in her whether she cheated or not. She did lie about other things according to OP.

But she choose to stay. She had your child, and carry her part of the relationship.

All this is irrelevant if OP can't trust her due to potential infidelity.

Let the past be the past

You can't be serious.

[–]ManguZa-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy

Well, he didn't. And NOW she's great and they have a child.

What's your advice? Leave her because of a mistake she maybe did years ago? He can leave her if he want, it's his life, but this will not settle the issue. The issue is not her it's him, him unable to accept and overcome his past weakness, unable to take responsability of his attraction and expecting unconditionnal love.

[–]TopOccasion291 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's about self-respect. Again i agree OP needs to overcome his weakness but your comments seem to make her blameless.

>Leave her because of a mistake she maybe did years ago?

She most likely cheated and it wasn't a mistake. She lied and broke trust which wasn't a mistake. The fact that there are no consequences to her actions means she can do it again without remorse. You seem like a cuck.

[–]ManguZa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

First, we don't know if she had cheated.
Second, yeah when she behave badly you need consequences, but the consequences must come at that moment. There is no use if too much time passed.
Third, the consequences are for her to learn how to behave... and she's great right now so she learned by herself which is a good thing.



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