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Leading good behavior outside of the bedroom into the bedroom?

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January 30, 2019
8 upvotes

It's all fairly simple. The rope has been tightening over the last 3 months and I'm looking for a way to lead my wife in a different direction over time and would like to know from others who might have encountered this situation.

My wife is a hard working woman, good drive to get house stuff done, but has slacked over the last year and is now picking back up good wifely duties in the last 3-4 months again. She is neat and tidy (somewhat OCD at times) and since the rope has been tightening over the last few months I've watched her actions and observed the following:

  • Six months ago, I just took over everything. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, getting kids to school. It had to be done.
  • She bought a planner and began managing her week/days more effectively, although she's not that great at it, she's trying.
  • She is eating more, and trying to gain weight (she is very very underweight now)
  • Always generally receptive to my affection, offers affection herself when I don't
  • Laundry has improved greatly. Always done.
  • She cooks 5/7 nights a week, up from me cooking 75% of the time
  • Generally happier, more energy to play with the kids
  • Living in her feminine frame rather than my captain/masculine one about 90% of the time.
  • Spotless home. Good cleaning, overall doing her wifely duties and chores without complaint or abandon.
  • Never shit tests me on chores anymore (I'm OYS here)
  • Sex is currently 2x week. It will start as starfish 50% of the time, I can lead her out of starfish 75% of the time. Better quality and slightly more quantity than 6 months ago, but still a long way to go.

She still complains a couple of times a week about how she is failing as a wife/mother (down from everyday) - so I reward all of these positive steps enthusiastically when it's warranted to build feelz. All of these actions I have been pleased with, except sex is still not as often or enthusiastic as I'd like. Although I can appreciate all the things that she is doing, she has not upped her game in the bedroom in the same way that she has outside of it.

She seeks my praise/validation: "All the laundry is done!" "I'm going to cook dinner in a bit. I hope it's not too spicy for you." "I washed your shirts and hung them up" "I got this for you like you asked". I can ask her nearly anything and she'll put her mind to it and do it for me.

She is very submissive with asking permission from me for almost everything in her life. Taking a break, watching the kids if she needs to go grocery shopping, looking into a new hobby, or what's for dinner. She asks for my input and
permission on EVERYTHING. She will comply with simple commands (get me coffee, grab me something from the room, pick me up something at the store while you're out, etc).

I have been working extremely hard the last month on building genuine emotion within our relationship and it has improved greatly on her submissiveness. She is settling into her feminine frame. She is always generally receptive to any affection I offer and will seek out affection sometimes if she hasn't had it all day. Or she will comfort test to get those feelz.

I have over the last 6 months been in a process to create my slut, which she is receptive to once I have her in the bedroom and leading with DEVI. She is very submissive in the bedroom generally and nothing is off limits. Initiations have gone from 40% to 75%. I initiate about every other day when I feel like it. If we don't fuck that day, we usually do the next day or so.

How do I go about leading her positive energy into other areas that I desire more? I suspect dread is the answer, but would like input from others who have experienced this before.

TLDR; Wife is improving after watching me do so for over 6 months. Rope is tightening. Making positive changes with my leading. Only area not improving at the same pace is the bedroom. I'm willing to be patient. I realize this is a process, so I don't want to go Rambo (again). Dread level is probably 5-6, but I suck at withdrawing my time/attention since most "no's" are at bedtime.


Post Information
Title Leading good behavior outside of the bedroom into the bedroom?
Author HornsOfApathy
Upvotes 8
Comments 39
Date 30 January 2019 04:25 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/210558
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/alecqk/leading_good_behavior_outside_of_the_bedroom_into/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]Reach180Red Beret7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

I suck at withdrawing my time/attention since most "no's" are at bedtime.

Stop initiating at bedtime. You want better enthusiasm, find the point in the day where she has more energy. A lot of the time, she's reflecting the energy you bring to the table. So if you are low energy Jeb at bedtime too, prepare for the starfish. Initiate in the morning, after work, noon....whenever energy is higher.

I've discovered that I am not as good a fuck at night. Tired, dick not as hard, whatever. Wife is kind of the same. Starfish is rare before 730 PM, less rare after.

Sometimes simple logistics are the problem.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Sometimes simple logistics are the problem.

This. The ONLY time that she makes herself available for any kind of initiation is near bedtime. I wrote about it in my latest OYS, but a combination of shitty sleep schedules (we are up late until 11pm+, waking up a 6am) and having an older kid who doesn't go to bed until 9pm leaves a very small window.

I could potentially initiate at naptime with the 2yo but she values her naps a fuckton. Frankly she needs them regardless of how many hours of sleep she gets a night because she's still working through her own shit and depressed a little bit - without a nap she's a fucking monster.

[–]Reach180Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Set up the pack and play (for the 2 year old) and install a lock on your door for the 12 year old.

[–]NightFire450 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have a five year old that asked mom why she went ugghhh when he called for her on Monday (we're still laughing about it). Sex can be had at anytime with any age of your child. For the record I have a 5 and 14 year old kid.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed 100% on this - I’m also guilty of bed time initiations. Been working on starting a little earlier or on the couch to mix it up.

Our best sex is during the day but logistics do make that a challenge.

My wife has in her head that we can’t fuck when the kids are awake. She admits it’s a hang up of hers but isn’t sure how to get past it.

I just got a vasectomy so I’m hoping a few locked door quickies with no need for clean up with get things moving in the right direction but any recommendations or ideas would also be welcome.

[–]hack3geRed Beret6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Two things I’ll say is that this seems normal and the next level is on you.

My wife has done the exact same thing - she is submissive 100% outside the bedroom and seeks validation from me regularly. My decisions are never questioned and she will ask me my opinion on important matters. This has become a complete flip from our previous relationship dynamic. I personally think it’s a good indicator for her ability to submit in the bedroom as well assuming you can lead there like you have been outside the bedroom. There is also the same lag as sex comes last since she needs to respect you first which I think is where she is getting to now in both our cases.

The next level I believe is in us to create the sex we want - sex needs to be an escape for her to want it regularly. My wife is hesitant like hell to try new things and my guess is that you like me are hesitant to push because of it. You just need to go for it and do SGM plus read man in the worlds post on emotion.

For example, this weekend I was getting a duty sex vibe so decided I would try really upping how descriptive I was during sex and at first she pushed back and told me to stop talking. I decided fuck it I am enjoying it so I kept on going. She started getting really into it and at one point I realized she was pushing my hand into her ass - this woman has said from the beginning anal is a big no. When all was said and done she was getting a finger in her ass while I cavemanned her and she was screaming all kinds of kinky things. Afterwards she curled up next to me and said that was exactly what she needed and she just wanted me to hold her.

I learned that perhaps what was holding us back was not her but rather me and my inability to get her immersed in the experience to the point where she could let go and be comfortable to express what she really wanted.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I learned that perhaps what was holding us back was not her but rather me and my inability to get her immersed in the experience to the point where she could let go and be comfortable to express what she really wanted.

I can agree with you that I think this is my fault for not getting her immersed. I will read SGM again, again.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wife is improving

Only area not improving at the same pace is the bedroom

I'm willing to be patient

Are you?

Continued progress. That's what matters.

suck at withdrawing my time/attention since most "no's" are at bedtime.

Were you hoping to step backwards and become an autistic fuck who walks out every time he's rejected? Re-read Jack's post on dread. It's not simple stimulus-response in the moment, but an overarching theme of dedicating your time and attention to things that are fulfilling.

As for bedroom excitement, that's your job. Being energizing vs enervating applies to the bedroom as well.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Wife is improving

Only area not improving at the same pace is the bedroom

I'm willing to be patient

Are you?

Continued progress. That's what matters.

I am willing to be patient, yes. I've been to Ramboville enough times to know I don't want to go back. So I am looking for input on how to positively lead her towards what I want in the bedroom moreso than outside the bedroom. I'm playing the long game thinking many steps ahead.

Were you hoping to step backwards and become an autistic fuck who walks out every time he's rejected? Re-read Jack's post on dread.

Just read it again last night which prompted this question. Again, playing the long game here and it'd be stupid as fuck to jump out of bed at 11:15pm and "I'm going to the gym baby see you later!". That's retarded, as Jack says. Did that early on and it's a failure.

[–]hystericalbonding3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

So I am looking for input on how to positively lead her towards what I want

Performance evaluations like this take the fun out of an experience. You'll never be happy if that's how you view her or yourself. The goal isn't some end point of sexual frequency or checklist of porn moves. The process is the goal. You are continuing to make progress. That is success.

If you want a list of tips, keep reading the sidebar books, PUA, maybe a book or some blogs about topping, and enjoy the process more.

You're not past your porn issue yet. You're past it when you don't care about it anymore. Right now you're still actively avoiding it, instead of just becoming a guy who used to care about porn.

Worrying about endurance takes you out of the moment. Immersion isn't just for her. If none of these tips work, then jerk off if you want to, but do it without porn. If you need porn to jerk off, then you don't need to jerk off.

I still think that half the battle will be won if you can gain some weight. Read Wendler's blog about Building the Monolith. You have to eat, lift, and sleep like it's your job.

[–]Redpillbrigade171 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

Really not sure what your problem is. Sounds like you’re getting some. Some questions:

-Are you getting rejected? Wasn’t clear.

-Does she cum every time you have sex or at least most of the time?

-Do you watch porn together to spice things up? Like threesomes for example, or shit she’s in to?

-Are you vocal enough in your bedroom game? And outside of it?

-Bottom line: are you living your fantasies with her? For example if you want her to gag on your cock with tears in her eyes while handcuffed then you have to work your way slowly to that. Do a little domination (pin her down), then combine with blow jobs (if she’s not doin that , start with her kissing tour cock, tell her how amazingly sexy and beautiful she is etc.) .

You basically have to view it as ongoing training. You’re her mentor and coach. She’ll have to learn to unshackle her body and sexuality to feeeeeeel all those powerful (and addictive!) emotions that sex with you can bring.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (16 children) | Copy

-Are you getting rejected? Wasn’t clear.

25% of the time. But we usually fuck within 2 days if I was rejected. Rare to get 2 rejections in a row.

-Does she cum every time you have sex or at least most of the time?

No, but not due to my unwillingness or ability to execute given the opportunity. Perhaps I'm fucking up here. Maybe 20% of the time she cums. Lots of hangups here, she only cums from oral. Starting starfish 50% of the time leaves foreplay often off the menu until later after I caveman. She hasn't been keen on receiving, but she will give.

-Do you watch porn together to spice things up? Like threesomes for example, or shit she’s in to?

Have in the past a few years ago, but she's not into it really. She's probably be willing if i brought it up, but I'm on a no-porn binge. Truthfully probably not ready to introduce this.

-Bottom line: are you living your fantasies with her? For example if you want her to gag on your cock with tears in her eyes while handcuffed then you have to work your way slowly to that. Do a little domination (pin her down), then combine with blow jobs (if she’s not doin that , start with her kissing tour cock, tell her how amazingly sexy and beautiful she is etc.) .

I am able to live out most, nothing is really off limits. Some new variety has be introduced recently with me spanking her over my knee. Domination is not an issue. BJs not an issue. Her general enthusiasm is an issue. I am doing well at vocalization.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

she only cums from oral

Toys?

Lots of hangups here

Sometimes gets better with dominance - she is absolved of responsibility for getting off on dirty stuff when you're in control.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Toys?

We have some, haven't used them in a long while, introduced an anal plug a bit back that went over OK but wasn't her thing. She prefers manual stimulation over toys. Again, foreplay is on a hangup.

Sometimes gets better with dominance - she is absolved of responsibility for getting off on dirty stuff when you're in control.

Elaborate a bit on your experience?

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's not a bad girl - he made her do it. She went along to please him, because that's important to her.

Again, foreplay is on a hangup.

Smaller-but-still-strong vibrators like the We-vibe Wish are great for this, since they can reach her clit while you're in the act, and they're cute enough that she won't find them gross or intimidating. It's not foreplay, it's core play. Even if she doesn't have an orgasm, pull out the toy in the middle of it all because it's fun.

Teasing, pulling out, making her wait - these all help you last longer, give you a chance to give pleasure or pain as you see fit, and get rid of the boring, male pattern of escalation to orgasm from the moment of penetration. Penetration then bang until orgasm every time is boring as shit, whether foreplay is before or after, whether she cums or not.

[–]Cam_Winston210 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

she only cums from oral

Sounds like she only gets clitoral orgasms. 90% of my wife's orgasms come via my hands (or hers as she finger-bangs her clit while I finish from behind) & I play back and forth between clitoral vs. vaginal.

Read up on some stuff David Shade has written, sounds like once you learn the proper way to engage the "come hither" method your wife won't want you to ever stop.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

sounds like once you learn the proper way to engage the "come hither" method your wife won't want you to ever stop.

It's not my technique that is lacking. I know how to make my wife cum and cum hard. She simply has zero desire for it right now, which may be a chicken/egg situation.

[–]Cam_Winston211 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

It's not my technique that is lacking. I know how to make my wife cum and cum hard. She simply has zero desire for it right now,

You said she only cums via oral. So, you have one technique that is working instead of a mystery drawer of possibilities that you can reach into & use to pleasure her.

That also sounds like mechanical/robotic cunnilingus done with the covert goal of her having an orgasm instead of an act of passion. Sometimes a quickie or an "I need a release" instance is great.

But, her lack of desire may be due to the fact that she might not want the same old thing, again.

Edit: Word.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So, you have one technique that is working instead of a mystery drawer of possibilities that you can reach into & use to pleasure her.

Damn. Got me there.

That also sounds like mechanical/robotic cunnilingus done with the covert goal of her having an orgasm instead of an act of passion.

Well fuck, yeah it is. That sucks. No wonder she doesn't want it. :mindblown:

Thanks for the enlightenment.

[–]Cam_Winston210 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Search Reddit for the Red Pill book collection (using old iPad, can't easily provide link). Pretty sure a couple of the David Shade books are within.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

People who claim to be great players at Pussy Hero 9.0 often lack heavily in dominance and make their partner feel used. Sure they scream and yell and quiver but it lacks the weight of a man's body on them, pounding mercilessly while she can do almost nothing except receive his strength.

Do you have that technique down?

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

manual stimulation over toys

Have you tried vibrating rings that you can now get at CVS drugs? Or a vibe egg? I bet the farm you don't have a Hitachi Magic Wand with the Rabbit attachment!

[–]Redpillbrigade171 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Ok. At least some of the issues are in your head: like the no porn binge. Sure, keep that off limits if you’re by yourself but if together it’s just a tool for you to get her more stimulated - if it works, of course. I’d look for porn where there’s more focus on the woman, and where they cum etc. find out what she likes.

Toys : What does she use to masturbate ?

To raise her enthusiasm try initiating a bit less (do you want sex because you’re horny or because you have a high sex drive ? - understand the difference) and when you do, make sure you give her plenty of chances to cum. Ideally at least once before you do and again at same time as you. If she views sex as something she has to do, like other chores then she won’t be enjoying it much. But if it is her chance to have mind blowing orgasms then that’s of course different.

And while you experiment with initiating a bit less , aim for raising your success rate. She’s got to slowly learn that (1) when you initiate , it’s game on, she shouldn’t say “not now”, (2) it’s going to be tons of fun, she’s going to be your sex diva and cum like a porn star. This is what sex should be like. Do this right and she’ll be initiating and be all over your cock in no time, while you’re mentally and physically busy pursuing your mission.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

At least some of the issues are in your head: like the no porn binge.

Not really an issue. I don't think about porn or ever chose it over my woman in the past. I used it as an escape before but honestly I really don't miss it. She's really not that into it. Never has been but would do so if I asked, maybe. She has before.

She’s got to slowly learn that (1) when you initiate , it’s game on, she shouldn’t say “not now”, (2) it’s going to be tons of fun, she’s going to be your sex diva and cum like a porn star. This is what sex should be like.

Solid advice. I think the progress is shifting this way slowly as I become nearly 100% butthurt free with rejections.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Was she ever a complete slut for you at the beginning? Does she have a high n count?

I have a theory that some guys get a quick turn around if their wives learned how to enjoy sex at some point. I was my wife’s second and she was very inexperienced so I don’t think she ever learned to enjoy sex for the purpose solely of having sex. I think I read that you said that usually she gets into it once in the act which is the same on my side and I think it goes hand in hand with this. Over time she will cum to associate sex with an escape that she enjoys and the her feelz about everything changes.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was she ever a complete slut for you at the beginning? Does she have a high n count?

She has a higher ncount than I'd like.

Yes, she was a complete slut to me in the beginning because I opened her up sexually. She's had some bad sexual experiences in the past that allowed me to lead her to first time orgasm, first time multiple orgasm, first time squirting, first time anal. Nothing was off limits for me for years. She actually had her very first and probably 3rd total vaginal orgasm the night we married. She enjoyed having sex also for the sole purpose of having sex at one point.

I think I read that you said that usually she gets into it once in the act which is the same on my side and I think it goes hand in hand with this. Over time she will cum to associate sex with an escape that she enjoys and the her feelz about everything changes.

Yes, she usually can get into it. It takes her a long while of different rhythms of fucking to get into it.

I'm running some game today to see if she can associate feelz with sex - because right now she doesn't. I was rejected last night, which fuels my need to initiate in a harder way tonight and I'm usually successful.
Today I'm VERY busy working from home, in and out but saying bye 50% of the time but directing my attention to the 2 year old when doing so. Made an extra sandwich for lunch, left it out for her and didn't say anything (building feelz) and she was thanking me. She's thinking I'm irritated or busy or something, asked 2x "what's wrong?". Saw her walking upstairs just now, told her to come here, she came and sat on my lap, I gave her a quick shoulder rub with a kiss on the neck and sent her off. Tonight I plan on spending time with the older kid mostly until 9pm. I'll make some coffee for us then I have some writing to do. I will initiate. I'm thinking I'll initiate in a different room by calling her over. I know she is absolutely craving my attention and affection already today. I'll be vocal about how I'm giving it to her.

I swear, this woman loves to give a no just to build tension so she can submit to me.

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like emotion and immersion are lacking.

Are you trying to reproduce the shit you see in porn? Or asked another way, are you taking a serious approach to your displays of dominance?

Try a satirical version of what you think you want to be doing. Go so over the top that even you can't keep yourself from laughing about the things you're saying and doing. See what happens.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

25% of the time. But we usually fuck within 2 days if I was rejected.

Do you see how just a bit of masculine power at the right moment could have fixed this problem completely?

she only cums from oral

As crudely and succinctly as possible. Bring her to the point or orgasm and then jam it in. It may take some practice but this works 100% of the time if you time it right. She may complain it ruins her orgasm or whatever. Sometimes you can carry on and give her another one but do this for YOU, not for her. Otherwise you are just expecting her to perform and women hate that pressure. The trick is to 'force' her to perform by timing it just right.

[–]askmeanything21 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are only at DL3 (from OWS a day ago), and are attempting at this early stage to measure success by your wife reactions. Continue putting in the work and report back when you are at DL9 next fall. Many of the problems on askmrp reflect on the poster not putting real effort into DL5 through 9.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I misjudged my dread levels and after some thought I'm probably at DL5-6, but have struggled at DL4 ( conditioning your availability). Perhaps that's the issue as I've written in other comments here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Have you read the sex god method? It was vital in some milestone breakthroughs for me. The book, coupled with months of RP and lifting, has pushed me into new territory.

I wasn't creating a very attractive 'sex package' b/c she knew i would ask her for something she didnt want to do almost everytime we did it... and i wasnt really giving her good sex to begin with.

Don't rush anything... I stopped trying to push her sexually for new things I wanted and just implemented what I learned and after a few months (like 10 months) she was asking me for stuff I had stopped asking her for.... Women can make your head spin sometimes

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

“since most "no's" are at bedtime.”

Always be closing. If you’re waiting until bedtime you already lost.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. I have found that if I shift the mentality, flirting, kino into "we are going to be doing this" rather than waiting to initiate entirely at bedtime "are we going to do this?" I have higher success.

Trying to close BEFORE we are even in bed might be key at the moment. Thanks for the mind trip.

[–]CaliEd256-3 points-2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Watch Porn together. Tell her that’s how every man wants to be fucked.

Her “Why would you say that to me?”

You “Because it is true. Now do what they do.”

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Low effort attempt to negotiate desire and attraction - learn to lead and don’t use porn as a crutch to teach her.

[–]CaliEd256-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Have you ever done it? Done it with every LTR, works amazing, low effort or not.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Never tried - if I want something I just go for it. I don’t see a reason to have her watch a video when I can just teach her myself. Seems odd but to each his own....

[–]j_arbuckle20120 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That is terrible advice.

Enjoy your woman's unenthusiastic fake orgasms.

[–]CaliEd2561 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol nice try faggot. Shit works amazing. Have you even read Sex God method?



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