I'm so uncomfortable and nervous around women

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February 13, 2019

I know many coworkers who have sex with girls they met on Tinder, but how they escalate with ease? It seems like they're used to touchimg while it's very difficult for me. I'm a total inept and even when I paid for sex in Amsterdam I felt so nervous. How people can have sex so easy?

Post Information
Title I'm so uncomfortable and nervous around women
Author Sitchnatio
Upvotes 96
Comments 51
Date 13 February 2019 10:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/215105
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/aqcnnf/im_so_uncomfortable_and_nervous_around_women/
Similar Posts

[–]resnine155 points156 points  (18 children) | Copy

Positive upbringing, positive social reinforcement throughout their life. These things are crucial. I'm not saying that building yourself up from the inside out isn't important too, obviously it is. You are a product of your environment and genetics. Now if you didn't have this sort of upbringing things are reasonably harder. You then dust yourself off and pull yourself up. Critical is finding where the root problems are and getting to fixing your life.

Life is a lottery man, some people get lucky and have a supportive family, money, and good social conditioning throughout school. This of course boosts their self-esteem and makes escalating and general socializing much easier.

I could be wrong here, maybe you had a good upbringing and environment. But generally if you are here some thing(s) is/are out-of-balance and you have to find out what that/those thing(s) is/are. Finding those root problems and understanding your past puts a lot into context. There are some critical areas that you must get in check, which are:

  • Sleep
  • Diet
  • Exercise
  • Meditation
  • Organizing and utilizing your time (plan your time hour by hour the night before)
  • Self-improvement through: reading, learning, and understanding yourself

You must take a very serious look at those areas, and do serious work on yourself.

[–]MCAsomm21 points22 points  (4 children) | Copy

Nothing fucks someone up more than cold and insecure parents who keep projecting themselves on their children, even only one of them. Been told by my dad all highschool about inexisting socializing problems, which eventually brought me really down and created an actual problem. Only years after I'm recovering.

If you had loving parents, even bluepilled ones, thank them and cherish them, cause it's a whole different deal without em

[–]resnine10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

To be fair, I've seen both extremes produce really horrible results. And often it depends on the person, because not everyone is going to react in quite the same way. Highly-sensitive people really take it harshly. Now abusive parents create screwed up kids, no doubt, but sometimes they are stronger and have resilient qualities and can be rather outgoing. They are usually more vocal about their problems. Then you have extremely sheltered children who can't even form a sentence when they are out in public, and are just constantly cower in fear of the outside world. They usually suffer in silence or get therapy. I'm writing in big generalizations of course. Ideally, parents should be well-balanced, displaying love, tough-love, rules, structure, and fairness. In essence, parenting should produce a self-reliant, positive self-image, and independent adult.

[–]Flozo220 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The part where you said extremely sheltered children who can’t go out in public, in constant fear and suffering in silence with therapy is 10000000000% right on with my current situation.

[–]resnine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Every single day work towards getting better to break through this fear. I have been there too. You have to be a parent to yourself.

[–]TopOccasion292 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

than cold and insecure parents who keep projecting themselves on their children

This is basically my parents. They financially provided for me and I sometimes bonded with my father through sports but were always extremely emotionally cold and distant towards me and were absolutely terrible parents. I think it's because I'm the firstborn, and they were the firstborns as well. Their parents were the same to them...emotionally distant, cold and abusive and treated them like trash compared to their younger siblings so they projected that unto me and treated me the same compared to my younger siblings lol. I'm glad no longer live with them.

If they die tomorrow, i'll be a bit sad because of a few good times but i don't really love them.

[–]LopsidedLemon12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Solid answer right here

[–]VirtualBostonian6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Saved the comment! Solid advice

[–]icecruzader5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

Medi-fucking-tation can get you to fix your shit. Like, in an extreme way, you can meditate your SMV to 9-10.

[–]FKaroundNfindOUT3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Medi-fucking-tation can get you to fix your shit. Like, in an extreme way, you can meditate your SMV to 9-10.

Lol. Go on? How?

[–]Startlivingfornow4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meditation helps with strong eye contact on dates and for frame control. Frame control is up there with lifting. Without it, you may as well be a cuck

[–]icecruzader3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean, your SMV is largely based on your game. Looks matter but there are fat fucks who look bad with hot chicks. I'm not saying they all meditate to get there, some bitches are just crazy. But if confidence is like 80%, you could in theory mind fuck yourself in meditation to belive you are really Brad Pitt and that'll show. The actual results yogis get are insane, not with chicks er say but mind over body and fucking is just that.

[–]Sphairos 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Cool. What kind of results were you getting pre- and post- starting with meditation?

[–]icecruzader3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well, it's been like lifting for frame in my opinion. I give less fucks about stupid shit that would've got me tripping for weeks. Letting shit go, forgiving my self, processing all my old BP mentality and giving myself the time to think of how I should think of the world. Besides that the excersie of diciplin that if forces you to do, like going to the gym daily helps with staying fiucused on your goals. Then there are moments of like zen clarity where I feel like if I had done lsd or just like hit the matrix for an evening. Bunch of good shit.

[–]jadensmithsson0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ehhh.. maybe. Definitely helps but usually goes hand in hand with other stuff too.

[–]icecruzader1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

For sure, I'm just saying, if you get your head straight, everything else will follow.

[–]when_in_rhone0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Saved. Amazing reminder of advice repeated often here but not this succinctly. Thank you.

[–]imtheoneimmortal0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Since I started improving these areas I noticed in me a big change as mindset

I started writing and having journal

[–]reddituser11030 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I had negative social reinforcement throughout my childhood, I always wondered why

[–]gjuan325037 points38 points  (5 children) | Copy

You are nervous because you aren’t used to it and its not going to go away unless you make it a habit to approach women

[–]ScrdMoneyDntMkeMoney19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy

It’s definitely all habit. Before elevating my game I was borderline a virgin (1 girl 1 time) and would get nervous even going for a kiss. These days making a move at the bar is as simple as it’d be to shake someone’s hand.

There’s not a quick easy solution, just take it 1 girl at a time until it’s natural

[–]mysteriumarchive2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thia just sounds so empty after awhile. I know I could elevate my game by these repeated approaches and I've seen this "mechanic" in action and have had good luck with it after practice. But what is my end game? To find a wife I can breed and continue my legacy of playing this game that is destined to lead to the collapse of modern civilization as we know it? This is an answer TRP has never provided me and is why I feel like some "ingredient" is missing in the whole philosophy.

I've watched friends that have desperately chased down this "find a wife, breed her, continue legacy" path in the hopes of finding some trad that will share the same vision. Every girl they find isn't into then or eventually leaves them because it's at it's core a "beta" motive in this day and age.

Sometimes I feel like people like those of us that frequent TRP are actually kinda blackpilled. We're just Riding the Tiger, surfing the wave of this collapse we're about to witness in the best way possible, learning the "mechanics" of our polar opposite (women) to maximize pleasure in some hedonistic adaptation to the degeneracy of our modern world.

t. Someone who agrees with the TRP philosophy and has had success with it but still feels empty

[–]ScrdMoneyDntMkeMoney0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know sometimes I think the same thing, but then I remember how heartbroken I was breaking up with girls when I was beta af and how I now get nothing but confidence and enjoyment from spinning some plates.

On the other hand, I’m also still living my college years but I could see how this may feel slightly different by the time your in your 30s.

[–]zxcvb78091 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is interesting and I have also considered it. I think playing the field until you die is a better option than not though.

[–]resnine4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The Book of Pook covers this. It's a positive feedback loop, the less you approach the more anxious you get, the more anxious you get the less you approach and so on and so forth. Actually I think a lot of the problems people have are a result of feedback loops like these.

Once you break the vicious cycle you begin to regain control. But as the saying goes, “The first step is admitting/realizing you have a problem".

[–]Don_Draper2712 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

You get better at it with practice.

The more girls you have success with, the more experience you have, and the more abundance mentality you build help you become more bold and direct with your intentions. You're less afraid to be rejected and you DGAF because you already see other girls you want to approach.

Read "The Game" and notice how the author navigates through his pick-ups based on the experiences he goes through. He starts off being completely afraid to approach any girl and 2 years later he's having orgies with porn stars.

[–]moncojoe 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Is the author good looking?

[–]Don_Draper270 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]NASCARnormie22 points23 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your only choice then is to become a gay hermit.

[–]icecruzader8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

This, or kill yo self. Jk, learn cold aproach. They've had years of practice ahead of you, you just need to catch up/ pass them with dedication.

[–]Zanford5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Then you need to be uncomfortable and nervous around women much much much more often, and you will start to become comfortable and confident. There is no substitute for practice.

[–]beachbbqlover4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy

Most people here have an entirely different frame of mind than I do, but here's what I have to say.

My Advice:

**Get out of your own head.**

Go people watching without staring and try to understand other people's perceptions, vibes, thoughts, and feelings.

My Story:

I have personally picked up 3 women with 4 words.


I do it differently. I see it from their eyes.

One was beautiful. Confident. Gets way too much attention. She was in her bar. She knew everyone there. She was famous. I only came occasionally and was wing-man for my friend who was there with her friend. The common play is to be cool, or to sit their drooling like an idiot. I wanted to shock her. I whispered "wow" while maintaining eye contact and pulling her chair out right beside me instead of having her where she was going to. But I did it before she had chosen. I was shy at the right moment, just before the spell broke and she rejected it in her head as being too intense. I looked over at my friend who had watched the whole thing play out and let out a nervous chuckle and mouthed wow, beaming inside so he could laugh too and change focus, and she could see I meant it genuinely. I resumed before she could think the moment was gone. I was reading her. Now she was curious because she saw what I just did. 25 seconds later my fingers were on her cheek. I lived with her for 5 months and was beyond having no game for the last 4 of them. #Regrets.

But you can't do that if you can't read people, and empathize with them. To become them, and without thought feel yourself reacting instinctively. Instead you just pick up barflies with lame jokes. It lacks depth and intensity. It lacks substance.

Perfection is engineering experiences with nothing but a gesture, and to do that, you need to get outside of your own head.

[–]DocPBJ0073 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

wait can u explain the incident again or in diff words? its hard to follow through/visualize it

[–]beachbbqlover6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

How about I describe the third one. We took the train together to work. I had just been lamenting how everyone looked miserable and she came on the train beaming.

For about 18 minutes we were hesitating, smiling, glancing, doing little head tilts, squinting. At the end of the train ride all I said was "coffee?". She said "Tuesday afternoon? I said "6pm. Starbucks"

There are 13 on the island. We didnt exchange numbers or names. She was there.

Shes now my wife of 10 years. We have 2 boys.

[–]moncojoe 1 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy

Step one: be hot.

[–]beachbbqlover0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

That's why I didnt describe the external experience the first time. Because I figured folks would misunderstand it.

[–]moncojoe 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy

Well that makes it even worse. So you know that that is the reason why you are having such an easy time. For people who are not hot, this is infinitely harder or impossible. For you of course its easy.

[–]beachbbqlover0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You're the one misunderstanding it.

People have two brains, which are connected. Only one usually is verbal and it's the side that doesn't recognize other people or understand micro expressions.

I suggested people watching and getting you outside your own head and into other peoples so that you would develop natural micro expressions and empathy instead of being an automata "Okay fake smile. Now... head tilt!" or only learning it academically.

The nonverbal side of people is usually bored to death of your conversations, and has that subconscious say on whether she likes you. Also using that approach makes you unique if you can do it since most people can barely let out a "GURL PURDY" non verbally. Which subconsciously girls are often screaming "boring!!!" at themselves.

So the approach is to communicate non verbally and subconsciously while using the conscious side to predict her like chess.

The subconscious side basically does a "holy fuck" and the conscious side then does solely on the basis of having never having heard that from the subconscious.

So theres perhaps an academic breakdown of some aspects of what I'm suggesting.

[–]FrustratedLogician1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hurr durr, a whole lot of text for nothing. You asked that women for coffee and she instantly agreed. I ask that woman for coffee and she would yell I am a creep. Just be hot.

[–]masterduelistky3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Same for me. It’s a hard mindset to break. It always makes my anxiety so much worse because it’s like I’m fighting myself not to talk or be attracted to women.

[–]BigDickEnergy1233 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

The more you do it, the easier it gets.

The more opportunities you create, the better options you have.

This isn't just regarding women, but anything in life.

[–]zxcvb78092 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think you were probably raised in a world where women are angels and men are dogs. Where if you have sex with a woman and she changes her mind later you raped her. Where if you were drunk and she were drunk you raped her. Where if you bump into her its sexual assault even if it was on accident. Where if you like a girl you do really nice things for her and don't push for sex. Don't expect her to pay for anything or be accountable for her actions especially if she is on her period. For holidays get her nice things. When she is ready to settle down and have kids get her a diamond ring to prove you love her. And wait until she is ready, wait by her hand and foot. Happy wife happy life.. blah blah blah.

That is what society says. It is hard to override years of programming. But it is necessary.

Women are people just like you and me. They are to be held accountable for their actions, just like you and me. She is literally no better than you are. There is no pedestal. Her purpose at the end of the day is the same as yours to fuck. This realization has to be made.

I use to have trouble going up to women I found attractive as well because I didn't want to do anything wrong. Talking to women was walking on egg shells. Not anymore. I treat them like everyone else. I really don't like talking to them though unless I think they like me. Like if I catch them staring on 2 or 3 occasions. Or they are receptive to conversation beyond hi how are you.

Best of luck.

[–]by-accident-bot2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a friendly reminder that it's "by accident" and not "on accident".

Downvote to 0 to delete this comment.

[–]Sitchnatio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, I'm into redpill since years but really I feel like a kud when it comes to sex. I don't feel prepared even if I'm 25

[–]PolesWithGoals4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

How to get sex easily:

  1. Be attractive

[–]reddituser11031 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Easiest way to meet women is through social circle game

[–]gbnz870 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your parents and families attitude towards these things makes a big difference. If your parents are very touchy feely it will seem more natural to you.

As long as you've identified the problem you just need to work on yourself. Once you are happy and confident in who you are you will be more open in sharing that with a woman. You can also look at some natural ways in which you can boost your testosterone (which will make you more willing to take risks)

The biggest thing that it eventually comes down to is experience. Once you've done something 10 times it's a lot easier than your first. Just keep at it and results will come.

[–]linkschode0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your sense of self worth is still totally wrapped up in whether or not you get approval from females. I mean, of course it is for all of us - if none of us ever got attention from a single woman we’d be devastated.

But the trick is to stop applying this to individual interactions. You have to not care at all whether or not she approves.

I saw someone here say that confidence is certainty about the future. So a confident guy would be sure the girl would like him and thus she would pick up on this confidence and like him, yes? No.

A confident guy knows that girls like him in general. This means he also knows some girls won’t like him. So he’s certain that some girls will like him, and some won’t - and he’s ok with this. This means that he doesn’t care if a girl in a single interaction doesn’t like him, he just calmly moves on to the next one and the rejection doesn’t phase him in the least. That is the confidence women are talking about when they say they find confidence attractive. I’d call the first kind of confidence I mentioned arrogance. Women generally do NOT find this sort of confidence attractive.

So yes, meta confidence is true confidence. Confidence in every interaction that you’re going to get the girl is false confidence. Why? If you’re confident in every point interaction that you’ll get the girl, you will get rejected, this is arrogance.

Don’t be arrogant. Be meta confident.

[–]xx-Rain_Maker-xx0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Take dancing lessons. You'll have to interact with and touch a lot of women. I've noticed that some people is very nervous during the first lesson, but after a couple of sessions they significantly relax.

[–]3chazthundergut0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You've spent too long pedestalizing females and satisfying your natural hunger with pornography.

Keep approaching, keep getting numbers, keep trying. Toughen up your leather. You should be comfortable with a woman's animosity

[–]Sitchnatio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't put them on a pedestal...i'm just uncomfortable

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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