Ok....so here is a journal/letter with two entries about a month apart...Kind of a OYS post but not in the right format. First post for me!

1/3/2019

So…. In further reflection regarding NYE and the obvious feelings of placation and lack of desire I felt from you my spouse and the ensuing self-doubt that resulted. I have come to realize that my self-worth and self-esteem are inexorable connected to the fact that I have felt like I have “married up” which is such a Beta trait that in turn I am ashamed of myself thus causing further low self-esteem and self-doubt for even thinking that way. … As this has always been my Achilles heal…that being that of lack of self-esteem regarding my looks and desirability etc. Positives of this mindset has been a drive to prove self-worth by excelling at any job/profession that I under took. However, at this juncture of my career and age where I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career in relationship to my age and the planning for retirement I no longer have my eggs in that basket, so to speak, and now have moved in to the “slow lane” of my career resulting in loads of mental ‘band width’ which by gravity or lack of distraction has allowed issues of self-doubt and self-esteem that for years have been pushed aside as a result of focusing on career and family, to now bubble up and take center stage. …. This fact, that of excelling, has always dictated my approach to women that being of me proving my desirability at being the best I could be in any thing I attempted career or otherwise. And that of being in a ‘glorified’ career in health care as a Flight Nurse/Trauma Nurse/ICU nurse and the stoic calmness required to be successful in stressful situations with lives on the line.

Now I have been cheated on in every relationship I have been in!

Leads one to question why?

My lack of choice as to partner?

Or perhaps the eventual “Beta’ coming out in me that in turn eventually leads to the loss of respect and desire by my chosen partner.

Now this really fucks with my mind as if forces me to reevaluate myself in such a way that is quite painful as I cannot make changes in myself with the expectation that this will rekindle the desire my wife feels when she views me or thinks about me. I must make changes solely for my self regardless how I may feel about or my desires for my current relationship and the women I love and lust after.

Furthermore over the last few months I have begun to express my fantasies of 3 somes MFM and FMF with my wife further leading to the real possibility that I have become even more entrenched in the Beta word as far as my wife is views me.

So this last weekend here is the shit I spewed!

“I don’t want to be alone on NYE” ( worked a 12 on 1/1)- fucking Beta

“I felt you were distracted with me there” - fucking beta

“ I felt you couldn’t be yourself…with me there” – fucking Beta

Jesus…. So here is my dilemma…..

If I speak to my experience is this being Beta?…

If I speak my emotions….Is this being Beta?

If I speak to my needs…. Is this being Beta?

If I speak to how my needs were not met….Is this being Beta”

I think… I must be truthful and honest about my feelings and needs…..

I think… I must be truthful about who I am.

I think… I must bring this to a head.

I think… I must push the conversation.

I think… I must advance this narrative.

However,

I must do this from a dispassionate space….

I cannot appear whinny and contemptuous…

I cannot appear needy…

I cannot appear angry or upset…. I cannot appear accusatory…

I have to speak my thoughts from a settled and Alpha angle.

I have to speak my thoughts from a powerful and well ground perspective

Let the chips fly where they may in 2019 as I can only be true to myself, my thoughts and my feelings.

2/4/2019

The light came on 1/4/2019!

Thank fucking god I wrote down my thoughts and never puked up that extensive beta shit to the wife.. Not sure I would have ever found my balls again.

So I’ve re-read everything on the side bar. Watched hours of Red Pill youtubes…..

I’ve STFU’d and tried not to go Rambo to which I’ve been somewhat successful.

I’ve got my fat ass back into the gym. Lost 10 lbs (still fat). Gone low carb. Gained strength with the SL 5x5 program (have plateaued a bit) and have not injured myself (back issues). Have incorporated cardio.

Shit canned most of my wardrobe and held frame when the wife insisted I put shit back into the closet and drawers that I hadn’t worn in years.

Created a ‘daily’ grid on a spread sheet as a reminder of stuff I need to do…. Will keep this active until it becomes second nature.

Have set a limit on getting at least one project (outside of general yard and house maintenance) done every day off.

Established and have kept a routine regarding hygiene…. Face cleansing, teeth brushing and flossing, bathing ect. Pre- schedule haircuts every 6 weeks from here on out.

I feel so much better off the carbs.

Have embraced AM on shit tests. Can’t believe the amount of shit tests that are thrown! Have come to really pay attention to the difference between shit tests, comfort tests and requests. When in doubt I STFU and try not to step on my dick.

Caught myself DEERing way to many times.

Have reflected on the ‘way I was’ and have been moving towards that IDGAF/gaming person I was 20 years ago.

BLAMM…… Dread level 1 and 2 achieved. Wife is wonder what got into me. Don’t say shit…just pull her in close with a grin, give her a smooch and grab her ass.

That said I am really leaning into my motivation that all the above is for me with the absence of OI. Does wonders for my outlook on life being productive and organized the way it should have been and was at one time. Shit ton more energy at work as well.

Have set a goal to have at least 2 casual conversations with women outside of the wife, acquaintances and work mates per week and have been averaging about one a week.

Seems the better you feel physically the easier this becomes.

Gotta go now and get my shit done!