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Navigating my shit versus her shit.

Reddit View
February 19, 2019
7 upvotes

36 y/o. 190 pounds. Bench press 235. Squat 350. Deadlift 415.

I've been swallowing the Red Pill for 2 years. I've read the side bar. Read some of it twice. I'm better. Marriage is better. Many good things have results from lifting, reading, actively changing as a man, and leading.

Let me preface this by saying my wife is pretty impressive, but then again, I know the concept of AWALT.

However, I have plenty of work to do. The question I have arrive to lately is "How do I determine what's my shirt versus what's her shit?". Basically, the wife and I have had some major conflict lately that I am struggling to resolve. I recognize, on my end, that I need to improve frame and confidence. I know this this because of how much she has frustrated the fuck out of me lately. So, I work on frame. I also try to operate in the kind of frame in which I get the outcome I want in a way that benefits everyone involved (Ecology Frame). I'm pretty assertive and typically do well with setting boundaries and enforcing them. Overall, I do well with responding in a quality manner.

On the flip-side, I also understand that no matter how much I own my shit, she is not without fault, too. I try to make it a point to look at what I'm doing and see if I need to correct my behavior before I confront her with something. In other words, I try not to be a victim nor do I try to make her the enemy.

The issue I'm having is I have recently realized that she fights extremely dirty. Looking at Gottman's Four Horseman, Contempt is her go to. In conflict, she weaponizes what I say and do, gives a lot of low blows, holds herself morally superior to me, etc. I'll say it, its abuse. As my frame and responses to her shit tests have improved, so have her shit tests. I've been failing them lately. I seem to be taking the bait.

Clearly, I need to establish boundaries with her dirty fighting. However, in my attempts to do, she brings up shit about me and says I get defensive about it. All while getting defensive and deflecting my boundaries I'm attempting to establish. I've taken different routes: discussing things calmly, stating my case and walking away, etc. However, even with all the skills I've used with her in these moments of conflict, she remains adamant about me being controlling and simply wanting her to submit to me without questioning me.

My dilemma is that I don't see it, yet, as The Way of the Superior Man would point out, my woman knows what I am capable of, what I'll settle for, what my weaknesses are, and what my potential is. It would also echo much of what I read here and in MRP about leading and creating a safe place for your woman. I can see both the need to establish boundaries and the need to lead her and be a safe, emotionally reliable place for her.

I've already written to much garbage, so I won't go into too much detail. But if I'm not leading and being emotionally reliable, then I want to know. Apparently, I don't know myself well enough, or have enough confidence in this particular area, to recognize whether or not this is true. I don't see it. I don't think I am. But a false negative (assuming I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing when I'm actually not) here could be costly by not leading. But if I default to risking a false positive (assuming I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do when I actually am) then I lose frame and I'm still fucked.

I'm sure there is way more than what I'm seeing. I appreciate any insight/ass kicking that may ensue.


Post Information
Title Navigating my shit versus her shit.
Author ishouldhaveacigar
Upvotes 7
Comments 66
Date 19 February 2019 05:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/219057
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/asd91e/navigating_my_shit_versus_her_shit/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
TWOTSMAWALTframeshit testliftassertivethe red pill
Comments

[–]InChargeManRed Beret14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

  1. Don't negotiate with terrorists.

  2. Your boundaries are only as valuable to others as you make them to yourself. A boundary undefended is not a boundary.

  3. Just like with children, women need to clearly understand your limits. This is why the shit test exists, just like children, to see where the real limits are. Kids don't thrive in uncertainty, and neither does a woman. Your troubles are defined by this circular logic: "A woman can't respect a man that lets some woman push him around." It's fucked up, but true.

  4. If you don't take yourself seriously, nobody else will. Maybe you tell her "If you say something like that to me again we're through." Then she does. What will you do? She, you, and all of us know that you aren't going to do shit. Fix that.

It sounds to me like you have been doing a very poor job enforcing boundaries. The problem is that all that bad history dug a mighty hole you have to dig out of. This can take a long time or you can do what I did (YMMV) and go loud and fast. To do this you need to get your head in the right place first, organize within yourself what is a want or a need regarding your relationship with her, then sit her down to have an OVERT conversation to explain the new world order. Relationship 1.0 is dead and gone, relationship 2.0 is now here. For this to work, you need to be 100% committed. Once you have decided what your wants and needs from this relationship are, you have removed emotion and opportunity for manipulation from the equation. The ball is in her court, adapt or perish, doesn't make a difference to you. True OI. Once you have it, you see through the code of the matrix, and everything else falls into place. Keep in mind, this is not something you can do half-way. If you are 1% uncommitted it fails.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She, you, and all of us know that you aren't going to do shit. Fix that.

I needed to hear this.

I needed to hear all of this. But I've had that mentality lately at the expense of my frame.

[–]mrp_awakening10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy

There's a lot of her's and she's in that long DEER of a post. You need to fix your frame.

Be the man you want to be. Don't explain it. Don't be apologetic about it. You sound like you're being reactive. Stop it. For example:

I try to make it a point to look at what I'm doing and see if I need to correct my behavior before I confront her with something.

Wrong! Quit trying to look at your behavior through her lens.

[–]slackbladerered5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

Great post. My view on all of the RP has almost done a 360. I now call my wife out on her childish behaviour without 0 care about the consequence. OP, you worry too much about her opinion, if shes being a prick call her out. If she's being unreasonable call her out. If she doesn't like it STFU. I now state my point to my misses and if she reverts to any typical female response e.g flip the script. I realise she's lost, laugh internally and watch the footy

[–]SolidMind_SolidSoul2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I have been laughing out loud lately. Helps me a lot and gets offset that things are not phasing me.

[–]NoCoast824 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

I think this is what broke my wife of trying to fight dirty or any of the other tactics to try to draw me into an argument.

Her: Why are you laughing?

Me: Because this is fucking hilarious!

Verbal sparring is good entertainment

[–]SolidMind_SolidSoul5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Me to another man: they don't have gf beer here

Other man: oh yeah, you got that celiac thing?

Me: (not wanting to share personal info) nah, I don't want to gain 50 lbs.

Wife: interrupts with ...yes he does. Had for awhile now. I look at here like WTF and then catch myself.

Me: I start laughing hard as my wife again took a shit on my conversation. Before, I would have spent 20 minutes explaining why she needs to let me talk to other men the way I want. Losing discussion. Not the first time. The things I see now.

Me: Had a great time bowling with my 3 year old holding my frame and being there for the kid. Did STFU.

[–]mrp_awakening0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Caution: this can legitimately piss a woman off. We were arguing last night and I started laughing. She tried to throw punches when I wouldn't stop. Found it funny and I honestly couldn't help myself. Oh well... lol.

[–]gameoflibidos0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

At the same time, there are some women that comment will send into fucking dish throwing hysterics depending on how mad she was.

It's really best just to be the non-responding rock. she's arguing with a rock. She will get nowhere.

Mine just hardly ever tries anymore.

[–]resolutions3166 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need options.

Everything in this post says, “I have no better option.”

Get a better option, and suddenly “holding frame” will be a lot easier.

It’s not about her. It never is. It’s about us - what we settle for, and what we give up on.

[–]helaughsinhidden5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I also try to operate in the kind of frame in which I get the outcome I want in a way that benefits everyone involved (Ecology Frame)

Give less fucks

Contempt is her go to ....blah blah... I seem to be taking the bait.

Give less fucks

I try not to be a victim nor do I try to make her the enemy.

This is a good start, try to see her always as a large child

I can see both the need to establish boundaries

Boundaries mean nothing, frame means everything. Acta Non Verba

But if I'm not leading and being emotionally reliable, then I want to know.

They won't tell you but her behavior will change. Give it some time. Also, don't look to her for your validation anymore, decide what your mission is and do it. In order for her to "follow" you must "lead". No one can call the leader where to go, otherwise he instantly becomes a follower.

I've read the side bar. Read some of it twice.

Have you read Rational Male or Married Man's Sex Life Primer?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

When she goes into the revisionist history lesson you have to remind yourself that that person she is talking about no longer exists. Hell, you shouldnt be happy with that guy either. He got you into this mess.

Compartmentalizing the past you, can go a long ways in ensuring the current you isnt running down the same old paths hoping for a different outcome.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This simple and very important to remember. Thanks for this.

[–]NMMNG_10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is gold. Stoic frame.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Every time a fight starts, go out.

Even if you win, you lose.

Acta non verba.

Every time.

[–]Non_Merger0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. Long before knowing of MRP, I determined there was no "winning" an argument with my wife. So I stopped playing. Not only did I not get drug down into a nasty argument, it would further piss her off.

Now, when she sets out bait (which is rare), I will recognize it, push some of her buttons, and then disengage. Pisses her off further and no arguing.

For the OP: this sort of cuntiness on the part of your wife would become intolerable for me.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ok, you are getting opinions on opposing sides. For example, one says call her out on everything, and another says “give less fucks.”

I tend to side with give less fucks. Choose your battles. If you call her out on everything, you are living in her frame. I tried that long ago - it doesn’t work. Amused mastery and A&A work well unless she is PMSing... then, stfu and remove your presence. This is my experience... use it.

But, there is no substitute for a strong frame, which you don’t have yet.

[–]NMMNG_12 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I tend to side with give less fucks. Choose your battles. If you call her out on everything, you are living in her frame. I tried that long ago - it doesn’t work. Amused mastery and A&A work well

unless

she is PMSing... then, stfu and remove your presence. This is my experience... use it.

This man speaks the truth. The art of STFU in one paragraph.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I definitely need to give less fucks. The general consensus here is that I need to strengthen my frame.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

But, there is no substitute for a strong frame, which you don’t have yet.

This is key. Either option would work if it's congruent.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is key. Either option would work if it's congruent.

Yes, strong frame helps to just “know” how to respond, given the situation... respond vs. react.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"How do I determine what's my shit versus what's her shit?"

You don't. That's getting in the weeds of mental masturbation...and a good way to keep the garbage flowing towards you.

Own that everything is your shit.

She has no faults... just damage and reaction. Either that someone else or you inflicted (hint: recent beta or rambo damage is yours). This isn't to even assign guilt. I mean , if it helps you get off your ass to do other things...great, but really it's just things to work around or improve in you.

Conceptualize that your "shit" is how you deal with anything and everything.

Also, if it helps, they will never see their or your behavior as anything other than your (traditional psychological sense of the word) shit. You have to sort out what areas of improvement YOU need... and a lot of times that can just be how you deal with tests. Here's a fun thought experiment with that...how many beta arguments did you have where you APPEALED that you both have issues and need to meet in the middle , she agrees and 3 hours later at the end who is still holding the bag of "shit to fix about myself"?

Nothing to be mad at, it's just how it is. And they weren't even wrong. You fix you and one way or another you'll eventually be with someone who has miraculously fixed their own damage.

You may need to disengage for a while in order to mentally shore up. Monk mode. Sounds like you're too deep in the thick of it. While I like the idea others have put out about your boundary problems ... you do have issues and as such verbalizing them wont demonstrate any level of commitment from you. Just whining.

discussing things calmly, stating my case and walking away

Discussing what? Already in a gripe? it's past it no matter how calm you remain. You're better with STATING A FACT and walking away but a case? She's no judge. Not even legal counsel. Say how it is (or say nothing if there's nothing to be said). STFU.

Decide how you will respond to shit shows...make better but still simple game plans you can stick to and then follow through with. Even if it's like you've skipped to the walking away part and relocating to a different area of the house. THEN have steps PAST (more contingencies) that you can go through and don't second guess, follow it like someone else handed you YOUR rules. Don't even vary. The more repetitive the less you'll seem malleable. Even with simple phrases "It's unfortunate you see it that way."

And this planning is overkill at the moment but what you need when you don't react properly NATURALLY. Which is what you will be building into muscle memory. You're increasing your boundary-fu, only way to do that is with sparring and repetition.

O.I. stop rewarding with your time...even if it's a bad time: they don't care. You're still there to fend off the bears whether they're nice to you or sniping at you.

[–]Reach180Red Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

However, in my attempts to do, she brings up shit about me and says I get defensive about it.

Seems you haven't actually learned how to pass shit tests. You're still deferring to her judgement. If you feel the need to be defensive, you defer to her judgement too much.

Passing shit tests isn't about staying calm. It's about not accepting her premise.

But if I'm not leading and being emotionally reliable, then I want to know.

This sentence gives the whole thing away. The idea that there's some authority there to tell you whether you are leading means you aren't actually the leader.

I thought there was a sidebar post about leading without permission, but I don't see it....maybe someone will know what I'm talking about.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep. I got cocky and complacent. I improved my frame relatively well, yet lately I’ve relapsed. Same with passing shit tests and leading.

Thanks for the feedback.

[–]NoCoast823 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

How do I determine what's my shirt versus what's her shit

Straight from NMMNG, decide what is right and do it instead of guessing what everyone else would think is right.

You are right that this about confidence and frame, you dont have enough confidence in your own definition of what's right and you are all up in her frame trying to find the right choice.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good points. I was doing pretty damn good, but I’ve taken too many steps back. This is a hard, useful lesson.

[–]BurnedRemains2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"On the flip-side, I also understand that no matter how much I own my shit, she is not without fault, too. I try to make it a point to look at what I'm doing and see if I need to correct my behavior before I confront her with something. In other words, I try not to be a victim nor do I try to make her the enemy."

Shit man. This was a needed read for me. I've been like this for the last week. Letting myself be the victim.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great post. Saved it.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Are you saying she has responded upto a point and is not responding any further?

OR

You have improved to a point and cannot improve any further?

A sort of impasse?

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

It has the feel of an impasse. She says I expect her to be perfect. I’ll admit I hold her to a high standard, though I don’t expect perfection.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

If she has only known you as a beta provider her head cannot get around the fact that 'you have changed' and she is lashing out at you due to her insecurity.

The hardest I have ever been bitten by a dog was when the dog was scared and fearing for its life.

Depending on what you want going forward :

  • Accept that this is as good as it gets. She is not going to be the wife you ultimately want.

  • Find someone better and lay the foundation from the start of the relationship in a RP manner.

  • Chill a little.

Either way, many guys here are too stuck in their heads, and you are too. You are very concerned about her reaction. Do yoy think she carries the same mental burden?

As a test, you have nothing to lose really, try some more comfort in the relationship. No one wants to walk on eggs around their partner with feelings of inadequacy.

Not Nice guy comfort, oak tree comfort.

Edit: Sun Tzu, Art of war, don't corner your enemy with no means of escape, comes to mind.

[–]NMMNG_10 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Gold.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If she has only known you as a beta provider her head cannot get around the fact that 'you have changed' and she is lashing out at you due to her insecurity.

I guess I thought that after 2 years this would be different. So, either it take much longer or I have to step it up big time.

No one wants to walk on eggs around their partner with feelings of inadequacy.

I hate to admit it, but this hits home. Time to turn this shit around and lead.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

"I don't expect you to be perfect. I do expect you to try to be perfect."

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm using this.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Too many fucks given about her, books and bulllshit

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Heard.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Clearly, I need to establish boundaries with her dirty fighting.

The only boundary you need here is that you don't fight / negotiate / discuss with your wife when she fights dirty.

However, in my attempts to do, she brings up shit about me and says I get defensive about it. All while getting defensive and deflecting my boundaries I'm attempting to establish.

These can't happen with the suggested boundary.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agree. Now focusing on restrengthening my frame.

[–]BirdManBrrrr1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

WISNIFG is your friend.

You engage when you should fog/negative assert; think of the exact moment when you’d get defensive and that’s when you should start fogging and force her to “fight the fog” so to speak.

If she escalates and continues to be a cunt calmly disengage. You know her playbook and you know it’s a test yet you still give all the fucks about her feels; shift your mindset and use the tools to better manage the situation.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good insight. Thanks.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you may have missed some of the important pillars of RP;

Haven't set boundaries for yourself (Or maybe you have but your leadership is weak)

Haven't developed frame (you seem to be shocked by her digging up skeletons instead of responding with "thats the old me, hes gone" or just laughing it off)

Haven't learnt that arguing and DEERing gets you nothing of benefit

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I've already written to much garbage,”

Yes, you have... and you sound like a woman.

Get out your head. Your hamster is running wild.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate that. I needed my head to pop out of my ass.

[–]JameisBong0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Ecology frame sounds like something some soy boy cuck would say. She enters your frame, you don't share it. I'm still beta in many ways, but frame isn't one of them.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Then you don’t understand it.

[–]JameisBong0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Explain it to me.As far as i know the man sets the frame,she comes into your frame or she's out no?I haven't spoken soy in a long time so i don't know how to navigate those difficult waters

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

[–]JameisBong0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I will check it out thanks.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sure. I can elaborate later as well. I’ve been thinking about writing a post about it. But then again, not sure sure how qualified I’d be at this point. Ha.

But seriously, I have some good points. I view the premise of my post here two ways:

  1. I’ve built a strong frame in my two years of MRP, had a recent setback, and need to strengthen my frame.

  2. I’ve built a strong frame in my two years of MRP, discovered a chink in my frame through rare, but intense conflict (in which I failed recently), and need to strength my frame.

The good news, I’m no stranger to frame, yet I have the insight now that I have much to learn about it. I’ll turn this into a good thing.

[–]gameoflibidos0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Everything that comes out of a womans mouth when she's upset with you is emotional nonsense. (unless you actually fucked up somehow) ... But repeat that to yourself every time she is trying to engage you in an argument.

Don't engage, dont respond, leave, ignore, change subject completely without acknowledging anything shes saying. Never raise your voice.

[–]Redpillbrigade170 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy

Your standards (or lack thereof), is the problem. You start by saying your wife is impressive? How the fuck do you say that when she treats you like shit ? In what way is she impressive??

If you’ve been at this for 2 years, you’re either doing it wrong, or you didn’t quite get it to begin with.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

Redpillbrigade17

Good point. She doesn't well in a lot of areas. Just when shit gets hard for her, she goes in survival mode. The good outweighs the bad. I do well 98% of the time. Sometimes a fail. This is something that's recently been exposed and I'm trying to figure it out.

[–]Redpillbrigade172 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also: what the hell are you doing fighting or arguing with her. Consider this the 17th Commandment of Poon: Never argue with a woman.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for reminding me of that. Gotta strengthen my frame. No question.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

You still didn't answer. What is so impressive? Her ability to fight dirty? Something else?

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Sex when I want it. She pursues me to. Good balance there. Not to mention she fucks like I want her to. She serves me and the marriage in a lot ways. She’s fun and exciting. Is down for whatever adventure I like and has great ideas of her own. She’s smart, driven, and successful. She defaults to me 98% percent the time.

This says I can handle the easy shit, the first 98%. Yet, that last 2%, the hard shit, has exposed my weaknesses. That’s why I posted.

These fights are few and far between are always about difficult and emotional things. So, a few times a year. Yea, that’s few too many. In the last month or so I’ve lost frame and lost sight of my mission.

I failed by not providing the comfort she needed and falling into her frame when that pissed her off and she acted like a cunt. Few things I see where I fucked up: 1. I failed tests. 2. I lost frame. 3. Lost self-respect with my own boundaries. Bottom line, I need to sure that shit up.

I’m also starting a business and I’ve let that hinder me from leading. That’s on me. Gotta do better. Will do better. No excuses.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

These fights are few and far between are always about difficult and emotional things.

So vague. Get into OYS and stop fucking around.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

I don’t think it matters if it’s vague or not. I have to handle my shit regardless of what going on with her.

Explain to me why it’s important to point out being vague. I’m here learn.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Context, it's everything. Context is the difference between you being a beta bitch and you being gaslit. Are you really fucking up or are you being too hard on yourself. I have no idea. You paint a picture of 98% unicorn, then offhandedly mention "difficult and emotional things." Maybe those things are dark and maybe you can't be blamed for losing some frame on them. Maybe they're like a late credit card bill and you're just a paper tiger. You don't want to get into it, that's cool. Like I said, start doing OYS and the truth will out (hopefully to you).

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I appreciate that. This makes me think.

I’ll take heed to your suggestion.

I’m being too hard on myself. I have a history of that. I’ve come a long ways (it was really bad).

Some are dark.

She has two sons from a her first marriage. Yes, I married a woman with baggage. I don’t wholeheartedly recommend it. They are fuck ups and I am the “bad cop” when it comes to them. She’s full of guilt and continues to enable them. I likely try to hard to steer how she manages herself with her two sons. Mama bear comes out and the shit tests are ramped up and occasionally I fail them in these times. If I don’t agree with her in these times she acts like a cunt.

She never knew her dad and recently she found him, and siblings too. Started off well, then he ghosted her. She gets extremely closed off, pushes me away, then gets mad because I won’t comfort her, and acts like a cunt.

I think one thing I fail to see here is that, since these things don’t come up often, I don’t have the opportunity to build a strong frame with them the way I can do so with the everyday tests. Everyday tests-easy. The occasional hard shit- I stumble and allow myself to fold, to a degree, altogether.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ok, there, was that so hard?

You're both being too hard on yourself and not taking these issues seriously enough. That is a total circus you got yourself into. Pairing what you just wrote with your original post gives me a mental image of the Rainman self-flagellating: "Definitely frame-loss, definitely." smack!

I have no experience with your situation. What I can tell you is that you need boundaries for all this. The kids need boundaries, your wife needs boundaries, you need boundaries.

If she expects you to parent, then you need the power along with the responsibility. She can't use you to enforce discipline until she suddenly feelz bad and then suddenly pull the rug and say "they're not your boys!" If she does then you may as well nope the fuck out because she has destroyed your authority with those kids and they will game the fuck out of you both.

This shit with her dad... JFC. I have no words.

No offense, but you probably need to step back from your own life and ask yourself why you think so little of yourself to get mixed up with this woman. What does that tell you about your values? Paging Captain Save-a-Ho?

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Before I reply, I meant to say her two sons are out of the house.

[–]ishouldhaveacigar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All good points.

I will say (and yes, I maybe partial) she has overcome a lot and achieved success in a lot of areas, not personally and professionally, despite the baggage. I’d definitely say there’s residuals from the baggage. That’s typically where shit goes south. Big shocker.

I was damaged goods when we started dating, too. We both work hard on self improvement. I had a melt down two years ago and started reading MRP. I had a lot of work to do, obviously. But it couldn’t gotten a lot worse. I was a damn blue pill beta. (I know, looks like I still am. Ha). The Red Pill has changed my life, and it so happened to change my marriage.

It was mentioned earlier about me slipping back into thinking like the old me. I’ve changed and improved. I need to show it.

Thanks again.



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