This was tough for me to write out, so please bare with me.....
My marriage is on the rocks. I am to blame for the problems. I've basically been a drunk captain this entire time. I never owned my own shit.
It has been ten years of me acting like a bitch, complaining about not getting enough sex, getting into screaming fights with my wife and two boy when things don't go right, etc.
I'm 40 years old and weigh 215lbs. In spite of my excess weight, I'm still fairly good looking. She is 41 and weighs closer to 250lbs and her looks are starting to weather. We weren't always like this. I used to be 185lbs when we got married. She too was much less. In spite of her looks today vs mine, she has complete frame and control and perceives her SMV as being much higher than mine.
Our sex life is in shambles. I feel like I don't get enough. I used to feel like I deserved it. But she thinks otherwise. She hasn't kissed me passionately in years. Blowjobs are non-existent. She doesn't let me touch her breasts. When I try to run my hands between her legs she tells me that she is good and doesn't need to be looked after. She is repulsed by my touch. She is checked out from me.
I am thinner than her. Better looking than her. Have more potential than her and she is the one who is checked out in this relationship. I am to blame for the problems.
When sex does happen, its for my pleasure and benefit and mainly to shut me up. "Do what you need to do" is what she says on nights she is willing to close to her eyes and wait for things to be over.
Last night I wanted her and she declined. Today I had a bad day at work, brought the bad day home. I yelled at my wife. I yelled at my kids and tonight she comes out swinging at me mocking me for being a little bitch because I didn't get what I wanted from her last night...... and you know what? She is right. I am a bitch.
She also knows that I'm her bitch. A good provider with a job in the $150k range. I am a safe bet for her. She puts up with me because she gets first crack at the money for the house, the kids, etc which I have always allowed.
This admittance on my part has been hard for me to write out. Mainly because it shows my true self. A loser. A lost little boy.
Even this reddit username of mine proves that I have deviated from being a real man with control. This account started off as a "therapeutic" account for myself where I would talk about fantasizing my sister in law and wanting to have sex with her. As I spread my pathetic fantasy, I would start trolling other sub reddits in order to gain karma. Looking back at some of my posts I see how immature and how pathetic of a man I have been over the past year. Its no wonder my wife has lost all desire for me. I'm acting like a 14 year old boy.
I want things to change. I want to change. I want to be a husband my wife respects. I want to be the father who in control of his ship at all times. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better about myself. I have lost myself and have lost my ways. I need to be a better man. Firstly for myself. Secondly for my kids. And thirdly for my wife.
She was once in love with me. Not so much anymore.
Where is my wife at this moment? She's checked out. She went to sleep 30 minutes ago. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to watch TV with me. She doesn't want to spend time with me. She would rather close her eyes and sleep than be in the presence of a drunken captain. I don't blame her.
My question to askMRP is the following: Is my marriage salvageable? Or am I fucked?
I am looking for brutally honest replies. I hit the low point when I realized tonight that my wife mocked me. She mocked me. It hurts to admit. The woman I love mocked me and I am to blame for it.