I find myself taking my goals seriously, putting in effort, feeling good about that effort, and then as a response getting lazy and complacent in other parts of my development. Maybe I am constructing some sort of covert contract that as long as I am a good dancing monkey and I go to the gym and I eat my peanut butter and just try really hard to change and get really angry at myself when I do something wrong, I will change and drown in self-fulfillment and dripping wet pussy.
This is obviously Nice Guy bullshit.
Maybe I like sitting where I am comfortable, on my freshly-built fragile ego, ignoring my problems behind me, closing my eyes and smelling the glue until my cardboard ego collapses under my sorry ass and I start crying like a fucking baby.
A concrete example:
In my last OYS I was riding the high, and feeling really good about myself. I was, however, having difficulties with anger due to beta tendencies. I had recognized that I probably needed to meditate, so I asked you for advice.
The advice was: you literally only need your phone's timer. Start with 2 minutes twice a day.
And I did not do it. Why? Because I felt like I did not know what to do, thus creating a tiny little barrier.
And because it was uncomfortable to think of having to do that, I avoided it and instead went to the gym and read through all of the reddits: (ask)trp, (ask)MRP, NMMNG, etc.
I just downloaded Headspace and did my first meditation. When that smug British voice told me to let my thoughts run for a few seconds, I got tears in my eyes because I was so angry and frustrated at myself for giving up and scrolling through Reddit earlier tonight.
I want to improve myself, but I am such a Nice Guy that I manage to even turn self-improvement into a sad pile of excuses, avoidance, feelings of self-loathing and covert contracts.
Hope this helps some of you.
PS I got the meditation thing now, I don't want another account and the hand-holding easy way with a paid subscription to a machine. I'll set a fucking timer as I should have done earlier and maybe check in with a real person once I can do this shit without crying.
PPS maybe this is not worth a thread but if you couldn't tell yet, I am a sorry Nice Guy who wants to be called a faggot by you for validation. Fire away guys