My wife over the last 8 years has been a monumental bitch to me; to say I have been through hell and back with mental abuse (and physical at one time) would be an understatement. A lot of what I went through was my fault, I should have never even accepted her behavior but I was convinced (she lead me to believe) I was supporting her by sticking with her through the chaos. I mean that's what marriage is in the vows right? through sickness and health blah-blah-blah all that crap?
Anyways moving on, I got tired of that shit eventually. It really wore me down to the point I was suicidal, it was at this point that I told my self no, I am and was always better than this. My number one goal at first was to lose weight and stop putting up with her shit to the point of complete indifference, I was going to do what I wanted when I wanted and if she had a problem with it, there is the door....
The shit tests from there on out were relentless and the rage, oh boy, she would rage at my "don't give a fuck" behavior but after non stop diligence and a year later my looks did a complete 180. I dropped over 38 pounds, packed on some decent muscle mass, and even buzzed all my hair off, to which her shock (speechless with a slacked jaw) was ungodly satisfying because I never told her I was going to do it.
From there on out (post buzzed hair) I was getting some serious ass from my wife even finally got my first BJ from her, one that would continue to be many. Only problem is I resent her. I just can not stand her anymore even through all the positive attention I'm getting from her, she will sometimes get all giddy or flirty with me and I hate it, I find it disgusting. And I hate myself for it too because I take what I can get sexually and believe me I want it. At the same time I don't love her, its all gone now.
The confusing part is that we have been on the fence with divorce for years now and I made quite clear that we would be splitting and she agreed mutually but now she is playing like everything is all better now. Its not better at all, for me at least. The amount of attention I am getting from beautiful women day to day is staggering, my wife would die inside if she saw how beautiful some of these women are and I like it, fucked up as it is I like it a lot and want it. I want to experience new women, I want to feel what its like to have a clean slate, to have a frame I established first and never had it broken then repaired. Most of all I see these women look at me with seductive eyes, flirt with me, and I feel a strong urge to see what its like to be genuinely appreciated.
Don't get me wrong I'm not a cheater nor will I ever cheat, but I don't want to stay with my wife. She has displayed she has the capacity to change and it breaks my heart that after all I went through, got to the point I'm at, and even got what I finally wanted out of her that I despise every bit of her.
I apologize if this was a really long post or rant filled but I feel I needed to vent and I'd appreciate some feedback or help for what I'm going through. thanks.