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Girlfriend is not happy with our one sided open relationship

Reddit View
March 21, 2019

A little backstory, I'm early 30s, gf is early 20s. We met in a small city with pretty terrible dating options. I liked her but she was at best a 7 at the time and we dated for about 5 months until I got a job offer in a much bigger city at which point I ended things because "I don't do long distance". What I didn't take into account when I moved is that this is one of the most angry feminist SJW cities in America. I've hooked up with a bunch of girls here but haven't found a single one I'm remotely interested in starting a life with. I'm trying to get out but I can't yet without torpedoing my career.

This other girl seems to have female oneitis for me and had gone into the equivalent of monk mode while I was gone: eating healthier, working out, twice as feminine and cute as before. She flew out to visit about 8 months later (we'd get talking this whole time) and I was stunned, she's now upper 8s, body alone is a 9. She's the best fuck I've had out of over 100 girls by far. After another visit the following month she brings up the possibility of a relationship which I shot down again for distance reasons but I've been curious about open relationships so I suggested that possiblity. On her own initiative she suggested a one sided open relationship because "she only wanted my dick". I couldn't see any downside so I went with it and we've been doing this for about 6 months.

She's been a great girlfriend so far, we see each other about one week a month, she treats me like a god, cooks for me, massages me, suggests kinky things, basically spoils the shit out of me. She also just straight up showed me how to unlock her phone and given all available evidence I'm pretty sure she's keeping her end of the bargain, no mysterious absences or "sorry my phone died" moments. Plus I know the dating scene where she is, it sucks.

I've maintained a small harem of fuck buddies between her visits but honestly not that into any of them, it's more of an occasion stress relief for me. I can tell that bothers her, I don't lie about it, but I don't give her intimate details. At the end of her last visit she confessed that any time I disappear for a couple hours she imagines I'm fucking some hoe and it's eating at her. She now wants to go exclusive or if I won't accept that, open so I can understand how this hurts her. I kind of called her bluff and seemed unstressed about it being open and I could tell that was not the response she was hoping for. I can see from her perspective that this does kind of suck for her but I view getting laid as a physical need for me akin to eating or working out. That release helps me stay sane. I'm kind of on the fence between breaking up with her, going exclusive, or opening time up. I know I hold all the cards here but I do care about her and I don't relish hurting her. For context, she graduates in December and is planning to move to wherever I am, and I do see a possible future of kids with this girl, though I know I could find another one. We've still got plans to see each other roughly one week a month until then so it's doable and I could probably use the extra time to work on a side hustle if we do go exclusive.

For the sake of discussion, we are discussing whether or not I should drop my side chicks and focus on other things with the free time, not speculating about whether or not my girlfriend is being faithful.

Post Information
Title Girlfriend is not happy with our one sided open relationship
Author YDdraig
Upvotes 257
Comments 116
Date 21 March 2019 08:50 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
open relationshipmonk modesocial justice warriorfeminist

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire2163 points164 points  (6 children) | Copy


So, the NSA thing that she proposed was actually a covert contract in which she expected to win you over by treating you like a king. It sounds like it is partially working, because you went for the sex, and devoted some of your time to her. Also, it sounds like you both are in scarcity situations: you are in SJW hell-hole, and she is in a po-dunk town. If you both moved to Sex & the City Land, like a NYC, would things be different? For you, assuming your are successful, would have your pick of women. She, would appear to have her pick of men, but would be in danger of getting strung along, used, pumped and dumped, etc.

It's only natural for two people who are having sex to become emotionally involved. You can try to put up boundaries with words, but if there is chemistry, and if the person is admirable, and does a lot of nice things for you, the actions speak louder than the words.

It sounds to me like she is sold on you, and while you enjoy her company, you aren't sold on her. You basically dumped her because you thought you could do better, which then inflamed her desire for you, and caused her to go on a self-improvement kick. Some women would wallow, get depressed, get tattoos, go get gang-banged by a motorcycle club, blame you, start doing drugs, start cutting, etc. This one rose to the challenge, got hotter, and does a bunch of stuff for you. Still, you cling to plates you aren't even interested in just for the abundance.

I mean, you could be honest with her, dump her for good, and move to a better city. Or you could keep her as an LTR. Who knows what would happen if she stuck around. Hell, it might even work. There are other ways of maintaining abundance aside from side chicks. You don't actually have to fuck chicks you aren't into just for the abundance to maintain dread. It's not that I'm saying be monogamous to her, but if you don't even like these side chicks, what's the point? You could be self-improving in some way and finding a circle with better women in it. Personally, I don't 100% buy this SJW desert. There are always quality women in any major city, it's just that you may not have entered into the right circles. Maybe I'm wrong on that count. I did just go to a bunch of major cities, and I saw pretty women in all of them, even in the poorer ones. All made claims to having "the prettiest" women, but it was all BS, at least to me. Anyway, with regard to side chicks, girls like to share alpha, so if she has character, you could keep her as the primary, assure her that her spot is relatively secure, and then get her into some threesome action so you can have your cake and eat it too, hopefully with better women than with what you've been getting.

It also depends on what you want. Do you want to settle down and start a family? Do you never want to do that? Do you just want to have a harem indefinitely? I personally think that occasionally there ARE opportunities to pair bond with a worthy woman, and that two people, working together can accomplish more than one. I have seen it happen and work, but it is not the majority of situations, which are some kind of compromise.

Also, did this girl have any fuck buddies of her own? If she did, I would imagine that they didn't cut the mustard, and she is now an alpha widow. But also, she's into you. I mean, she could easily look harder, go online, etc. There are millionaires who would happily fly her out to their area and wife her up.

I would definitely introspect hard on this. Also, you should probably do a little digging on what is actually going on with her versus what she says is going on.

Anyway, if she got hotter after the dumping, it sounds like she has a good attitude, and that is a rarity. She wasn't bitter.

I'm sure people will call me a bluepill cuck for saying all this, btw, but whatever. I'm kind of a minority opinion on here. From what I see, character, or anything resembling character is increasingly rare, especially in attractive women.

[–]hazelstein27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy

people will call me a bluepill cuck

fuck no, I agree with you. but

I would definitely introspect hard on this. Also, you should probably do a little digging on what is actually going on with her versus what she says is going on.

Something's always up.

[–]YDdraig 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Are you reading my mind? That was spot on analysis. I'm going to read this through a few more times.

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire210 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

No problemo.

[–]spawnend21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good stuff. Seconded.

[–]livefreeofdie6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

All you said is mostly true.

How is what you said is beta cuck, maybe someone can explain me!🤔

But I would go with some other guy's advice on thks thread.

First let her finish her school and make her move into same city as OP. Then she has ample of opportunities with men as there will be no scarcity.

If she still stays good. Maybe OP can consider an LTR, wife her (if he wants to marry and have kids some day) etc

But leave this topic untill she moves and gets a job.

[–]markinsinz73 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's nothing about what you said that is opposed to trp man.

Theres very few originals(trp writers)left so the views are skewed away from the original stuff.and even in the whole TRP doesn't shutdown LTR. The negative sentiment towards women around here comes from the need to provide 'harshness' to RHS the extreme bluepill fucks. These guys don't know the basics of self respect. Some of them are in such scarcity that if their girl got gbanged over the weekend they'd still LTR that shit up.

What you is precisely "look at all the green flags of this girl OP but keep in mind he context (lack of options on both sides) "

This is realism and what trp is based on.

[–]cbang65140 points141 points  (8 children) | Copy

Upvote, im interested to see how this thread develops.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (7 children) | Copy

Definitely. Op sounds red af, and this is an interesting departure from the usual 'how do I respond to this specific situation with my unicorn' bullshit we see in here

[–]illusiveab17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

OP is red, but he's not being forced to make any truly difficult decisions. They say one good girl is worth one thousand bitches so long as OP understands frame. He clearly does, so he should maintain frame, consolidate side hustles, and add value in other areas.

[–]ScratchinCommander 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

His situation is paradoxical. As soon as she moves to his town and he goes exclusive, the dynamic changes and he will have to maintain frame 10x. Hopefully the city doesn't turn her into a raging whore and OP raises a red pill boy

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

and OP raises a red pill boy

What if it's a girl?

[–]VipKyle5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]throwawaypizza112 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

I think if he's describing everything well I would go exclusive. The girl sounds nice. Rare case.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Anyone can wear a mask for 1 week a month. Caution highly advised. He doesn’t seem to gain anything from doing so.

[–]ewoods417126 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy

I’m gonna go against the grain. Do you know how hard it is to find a chick like that in our society? Be a man and fucking commit. At least for a little while to see if it works. If it doesn’t drop her and continue, no harm no foul. Regardless, maintain frame and keep up red pill ideals.

[–]1FixYourselfFirst94 points95 points  (8 children) | Copy

we see each other about one week a month

You know exclusive LDRs don't work. IMO, hold steady with the side plates until she moves to you in December. Then revaluate.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

I also think that’s the best solution here. Worse than the silly concept of LDR, the big issue for OP would be that accepting a LDR now after so much time being clear it was a hard boundary for him will be a loss of frame and thus loss of control over the relationship. If he were to go for this, he might really notice she looks at him differently than before. She might test more boundaries now that she knows they’re actually softer than she thought.

The alternative, keeping course until December, comes at the risk of her leaving him yes, but leaving a man she adores, respects, and who is firm in his boundaries. Aka, when she graduates, OP can easily reinitiate contact, visit, reintiate sex, and then move it into a LTR this time on his terms, aka not long distance. Sure there are chances OP may lose her for good, but I think them minimal if the girl has really been alpha widowed as per his story. Remember women are not men in matters of love. An alpha can often get away with a lot of terrible behaviours.. that’s why there are girls who date/fuck/marry convicts, criminals, invaders, assholes, exs, guys who cheat on her, married guys who cheat with her, etc. All that counts are the tingles and if she has them, the hamster will be used to full capacity to forgive her alpha’s worst behaviours and forgive herself for wanting to be with him anyway. Refusing an exclusive LDR because you have principles despite the fact you like the girl is very low on the jerk scale in comparison and will be easily forgotten when she’s given an opportunity to be with you again.

[–]jackandjill2223 points24 points  (4 children) | Copy

Plates going to shatter if he doesn't do immediate damage control here. That's the dilemma. He may not be able to hold it together long enough for it to resolve itself & so long as it remains unresolved it's a ticking time bomb. Any random issue could cause their "relationship" to blow the Fuck up.

[–]1FixYourselfFirst2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

That's always a risk. Or she could meet a local Chad and branch swing while OP thinks they are exclusive. No guarantees.

[–]jackandjill221 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Shes in a shitty town with no options. He mentioned that.

[–]randomTATRP0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If she's truly a nine, anyone would fuck her. It's enough for her to get random tingles in a random situation and she'll get fucked.

[–]jackandjill221 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's probably not a 9 guys exaggerate their and their gfs attractiveness for their egos sake all the time. Also, that would be a one off even if you're right. She doesn't have a prolonged interest in anyone else. She's basically hanging on to hope he'll return and take her with him.

[–]effyouasshole46 points47 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm kind of on the fence between breaking up with her

You don't break up with her over this. Its on her to decide if she wants to continue riding your success train, or to get off of it. Your outcome independence causes you to accept either.

For the sake of discussion, we are discussing whether or not I should drop my side chicks and focus on other things with the free time

Strangers on the internet cannot tell you what you want.

[–]guhajin26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably gonna get downvoted to hell, but I gotta say... Posts like this are why some people think this sub is ridiculous.

Dude, you have a fantastic girl. You say so yourself. Commitment isn't capitulation if she's what you actually want. Some of the advice here is awful. If a girl is a bitch, being nice to her makes no sense, yes. But if a girl is being nice, being loyal, all that? Being nice back is a good damn healthy idea. Also there is a lot more to a potential LTR than just frame.

You need to consider the downside here. Just because she SAYS she's fine with it and keeps coming to see you, doesn't mean she's actually fine with it. I'm kind of surprised nobody else here is saying this. "I'm fine," being bullshit is pretty much girl 101. She's not fine. This situation is not sustainable. In fact the relationship may have already began to turn the corner into something you don't want.

I mean, you don't think any resentments are building right now? Doesnt matter how alpha you are, girls have pride too. You think there won't be any consequences down the line to treating her like this now? Being hard to pin down plays to girl fantasies, sure. Months and months of that though while she is consistently doing everything right? Well, that begins to break the fantasy and just make it look like you don't care and maybe never will.

If you like her, just talk to her like an adult about how you feel, potential conflicts, etc. This is the ultimate shit test men can do with women they are considering an LTR with - if any difficult or uncomfortable conversation is something a girl can't handle like a grown up and the constant tension of the drama and the chase is the only thing she really cares about, she will be an awful LTR anyway.

[–]oooKenshiooo20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy

Explain to her that fucking is a non negotiable physical need for you. Offer her exclusivity once she moves to your city. Until then, uphold the status quo.

If she is genuinely interested in you, she will take that deal. If she is just testing or playing power games, be prepared for more shit tests.

[–]okuli9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

this is one of the most angry feminist SJW cities in America

sounds like Seattle?

[–]YDdraig 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

That would be an upgrade, but not gonna say where for privacy reasons. At least Seattle has some redeeming features.

[–]theBaronDe 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Portland confirmed, lol

[–]Endorsed Contributoritiswr1tten50 points51 points  (24 children) | Copy

Here are your options. This is a common "dilemma" posted here.

  1. Commit to her exclusively. This is giving up your sexual strategy and not recommended

  2. Refuse her request and prepare for the possible end of the relationship

  3. Agree to her request but cheat on her

3 maximizes your sexual strategy but may be distasteful to you. It is not to me, because we're staying amoral.

2 is somewhat high risk, but sufficient dread will keep her coming back. You are hamstering about the phone thing - she sanitized it of any other dudes before she offered it to you (can't conclusively say there are other dudes. Use your gut).

1 is capitulation.

Which is your intention?

[–]AwakenedSovereign23 points24 points  (9 children) | Copy



@OP she sounds like a catch. Any female that can grind it out in the gym and work that hard for you gets respect in my book.

However, I think it's a mistake to have her move to your SJW feminist city. Better for you to bring her somewhere else, where conditions for exclusivity are more favorable (if that's your endgame with her). Until then cruise control.

I've lived in such a city for 6 years now and the same logic applies to smalltown girls as it does to Russian/Thai wives. They will change in a new environment.

Once she gets to the big city all she has to do is install Tinder/SnapChat and suddenly you are one of thousands of Chads, instead of one of the few from her tiny hometown perspective.

The indoctrination from females around her will be relentless, the options will fuck with her head and yours, and in the big city there are just tons of "flavors" she will never have tried before.

Example: gangsters, drug dealers, pimps, BDSM groups, polyamory groups, etc. you probably have no interest in competing for women who entertain such scenes beyond plate-level, unless you plan to abandon your career and lifting.

This was one of the primary revelations I found out about the city and you seem to already have figured that out since you have only found plates from the city so far.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

I think if he maintains an outcome independent IDGAF status, then it's cool. If he loses her, then he loses her. He's got that attitude now, and it's what keeping her interested and hooked.

Otherwise strategizing to keep her options limited is intentionally trying to put her in scarcity mode, meaning he's also in scarcity mode (and actually he is based an his email). Better to have her move in and let this play out.

[–]AwakenedSovereign6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy


The success of the male strategy depends on the capitulation of the female's, and vice versa.

Keeping her in scarcity is just good business, because he doesn't seem to want her as a plate. He wants babies.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I can see your point of view...from another angle though you're saying he should just keep her in scarcity as long as he's with her. That's controlling her. Which would be 7/10 move. But 10/10 is living in such abundance in life that she can't help but want to be with him (though because of hypergamy I am skeptical). Practically speaking what's he going to do? Is he going to move back to the old town? I expect him to live life and move to a bigger better town whether he's with her or sounds like he wants to be with her so he'll bring her along. Chances are if he moves into the new town he'll see other great women around. As much of a stud this guy says he is, I don't think he's living in living in abundance yet. The fact that he feels that leaving the job will jeopardize his career shows me that he's not comfortable with letting go of the old and upgrading to the new yet.

[–]AwakenedSovereign2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You arent wrong but basically you sound like an idealist to me.

Instead of just "knuckling up and having more abundance than her pussy can possibly handle" as the end all be all answer to any problem, why not put yourself in a position of advantage by not trying to ice-skate up hill?

That's a bit literary so let me say it like this. No man's strength is infinite, and you will find better results, faster, and more easily by admitting that outcompeting and succeeding is sometimes about picking the fights you know you'll win.

Swinging for the fences is all well and good, but you gotta diversify that portfolio if you expect reliable growth.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

outcompeting and succeeding is sometimes about picking the fights you know you'll win.

That's fair. Your logic is rooted in principles I agree with (both this comment and your other comments) so it still makes sense to me. Diversify always. For myself I pick fights I win, but at this point in my life I also know my strength (inner game, confidence, calmness, unafraid to have boundaries and walk away) and go with that, while striving towards abundance. and speaking of abundance, I'll use Arnold Schwarzenegger as an example, he just knew that he was going to be on top on so many levels and he worked hard, with clarity and got it so I win my fights but aim high. I do like your logic so can't argue against it.

[–]YDdraig 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

Completely agree, I've been pushing hard for a transfer to a city that aligns more with my values and may even be able to pull it off before she graduates.

[–]AwakenedSovereign6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Smart call IMO.

Only thing to add is not to expect shit from your corporate Masters. Large companies generally do not reward loyalty and would rather hire external. This is true even for senior management.

I work 5 hours a week, remotely, at 6figs.

I did not get there by pushing for promotions or transfers or kissing ass or even being exceptional in my work.

I got there by branchswing.

I'm in Tech so be mindful of differences between fields.

Looks like this: Stay at company for 6 years busting ass? 2.5% raise each year and and maybe if you're lucky and someone dies you'll get promoted

Or this: Get hired, kick exactly enough ass to be valued and unlikely to be fired, but not the "go to guy" because he's working too hard while you post on Reddit.

Around 18 months, look for a new job the next title up. Lie and fluff your resume but then be able to deliver what you promised.

I did this from T1 Helpdesk through 5-6 other to titles and am now managing Security as a contractor for a company.

Each diagonal move btw came with anywhere from a 20-60% raise.

No certificates or degrees.

Next stop is Mexico where I will have my USD salary, remotely, saving and investing and having plenty left for a schwank apartment and entertainment.

Geosocial arbitrage baby.

[–]party_dragon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Inspiring lifestyle, thanks!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Once she gets to the big city all she has to do is install Tinder/SnapChat and suddenly you are one of thousands of Chads, instead of one of the few from her tiny hometown perspective.

The indoctrination from females around her will be relentless, the options will fuck with her head and yours, and in the big city there are just tons of "flavors" she will never have tried before.

Well... I mean, this woman is trying really hard to improve herself so OP becomes exclusive with her and for all her effort and looks, she still has to compete with whores and even if they stay together she'll still have to compete with whores.

Might as well just become a slut and get it easily from many different and possibly better Chads than put this much effort and mental anguish over one.

If it's Chad she wants, there's much easier ways to get it. If she wants stability, there will always be less Chad guys who will be willing to give it to her.

You can't really blame her for becoming a slut if she does become one.

[–]c4toyourdoornobeef7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy

Number 1 isn’t really a viable option as she’s going to lose respect for him if he caves to her wishes.

[–]Endorsed Contributoritiswr1tten24 points25 points  (8 children) | Copy

This is only true if you enter her frame. Exclusive LTR is not beta unless you make it so

[–]c4toyourdoornobeef8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

It’s not beta if you make it exclusive from the beginning of the ltr. But to go from one sided open to exclusive would lead to a loss of respect imo

[–]thrwy7547918 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy

Nah, it's the other way.

Open to exclusive demonstrates you had other options but chose her. This stays in the back of her mind.

If you start exclusive, in her mind, it means she was all you had, there was no choice. There was no qualification on her part.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Open to exclusive demonstrates you had other options but chose her. This stays in the back of her mind.

This is the correct answer. It's why women don't date desperate beta orbiters: They want the guy who CHOOSES them over other equally attractive options, not the guys who have oneitis.

[–]CheesyStravinsky4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is surely the only possible way it makes sense lol

[–]AstuteBlackMan0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah but wont he be entering her frame since shes the one that made the demand for exclusivity?

[–]Project_Zero_Betas3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Not necessarily. OP seems okay with being exclusive in the right context (i.e. not a LDR). Girls want to be a choice. If she knows he picked her over equally desirable other options, she may fall for him even more.

[–]AstuteBlackMan1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Makes sense.

[–]htowntrav0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Happy cake day bro

[–]antariusz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cheaters gonna cheat, she just might exclusively use something like Snapchat, and then deletes the app before handing you the phone, one Facebook and Instagram and text messages she appears to be an angel. It’s impossible to police their behavior. In my LTR whenever my girl wanted to talk to her ho friends about doing Ho things, they switched to video chats so there would be no evidence.

[–]party_dragon0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I don’t understand why a compromise is never even discussed (obviously not in MSM, bit rarely even in TRP). Female ideal is a comitted alpha. Male ideal is spreading the seed. A compromise sounds like a couple where he fucks around, but only has children with her (i.e. emotional & family exclusivity with his primary lover).

[–]Endorsed Contributoritiswr1tten0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Both Whisper and VasililyZaitzev discuss this at length minus children. It is absolutely possible.

[–]Senior Endorsedmax_peenor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In my experience, most women will eventually go for this, but you need to hold an iron frame. LCF doesn't care where I shove my dick, but whispers of other women with my children infuriates her.

[–]CheesyStravinsky5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Do you literally need sex to function, or not?

I don't see any issues with being open really, but at the same time, great sex once a week is vastly preferable to shitty/mediocre sex 7 times a week imo.

People focus a little too much on quantity of sex in this sub in general. A LOT of women suck at sex...

For me, I can live without sex daily, don't need it to survive. If you need it to perform at work, then you should just explain that to the girl, though. If you don', it's worth thinking about.

However, what are the downsides of just being in an open relationship?

[–]YDdraig 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

In the past I felt like I needed it for my sanity, but I haven't gone without in a while so I'm not sure if that's still true.

[–]CheesyStravinsky0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well...then what is fucking a bunch of bitches you detest really doing for you?

[–]strongfarts-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need sex to function dude, if I go to long without it, it starts effecting my life. I become more moody, loose my positivity and my general outlook of the world becomes grimmer.

I think it has to do something on an subconscious level about not full filling our biological purpose in life which is to spread our genes to as many females as possible.

[–]Hoarder-of-Knowledge4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I might be able to provide an interesting perspective here, as I (22F, active on redpillwomen) have been on the other side of the coin here.

my partner and I were in a LDR for his studies and due to him being in a high stress environment we opened up his side of the relationship so he could spin a plate or two if I couldn't be there to look after his needs.

given the fact that the LDR you doing has a clear expiration date coming up, I wouldn't go exclusive with her up until this point, because as you specified you are holding all the cards here. in fact I would advice to see if you can get away with not changing anything.

a possible way for you to spin this narrative is to hold out the promise of exclusivity in December when she's done with her studies and use the mean time to "transition" from open on your side to closing the relationship. You can reduce the number of plates, but I wouldn't cut them out completely, because you need to look after your needs and assuming her onetitis is strong enough she'll want you to look after your needs even those are contradictory to hers.

however do try to strike a compromise by meeting some of her LDR needs. this probably requires some research on your side, as you need to know what her exact problem is with the current system. (what) is she jealous (of)? is she paranoid that she's replaceable? does her self esteem take a blow because she cannot do anything for your sexual needs while she's away? what is her issue exactly? and what can you do to remedy it to make her life suck less? often just an occasional phone call providing sweet talk of validation might get you the desired effect.

(for example, if it bothers her that she's sexually uninvolved long distance you can both invest money in a remote control vibrator that you can control during the LDR and do some sort of mutual masturbation thing where you still control her pleasure).

[–]party_dragon2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha best advice here coming from a girl.

OP, this is ehat you need to do. She’s obviously fine enough with you fucking around. In fact, it even motivates her and makes her better! Women don’t know what they want!!! Does she just want exclusivity because it’s the ideal? Is she just buying into her social conditioning? Or does it actually bother her? Why? Maybe she just wants to know you’re serious. Put a baby in her, that’s serious! In other words, it seems that she’s fine emotionally, but not logically (because of social conditioning) - so find a way to rationalize it for her correctly! It’s completely obscene how often this scenario happens for women - they’re shit, you dump them and fuck around, they improve (gym, anal, becoming more submissive etc), so clearly it’s not all bad.

Also, did you make sure she’s isn’t bisexual by any chance? Maybe you can fuck around together!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

As a high value male you should lock her down to mother your children. Basically she is entertained and satisfied with the ride she's on right now, but once you kick her off she will hit up the cock carousel and thats the end of it. if she is everything you're saying, I would maintain a strong frame, create an arrangement for her to have your kids, and not get married (or do with a strong prenup). curious to see how you fuck this up

[–]NPC725213 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your dick doesn’t own you. Getting laid is not the same necessity as eating food. ffs.

You’re in your 30s?

Dump her, keep her, whatever. Just don’t give away your self control.

[–]linkschode3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey man. Dump her and PM me her number.

Do you know how many times I’ve seen my my 30 y/o friends (myself included) find a girl like yours, and then dump their ass because they weren’t man enough to realise they had found a golden plate?

The sad thing is, until you’ve lost a golden plate, you’re not actually able to perceive their value. You’ll probably fuck this one around, fuck it up some how, she’ll be gone and find another older guy who is more emotionally mature and competent than you, and that’ll be it. Nothing compares to a golden plate.

Then you’ll spend years frantically looking for another golden plate, because you miss being treated like a King by your Queen.

This girl will not stick around forever. You may think to her you’re literally the most attractive guy on the planet. You’re not, and once the loneliness sets in, a better looking guy with higher value will approach her, will fuck her, will be prepared to give her all the things you want and you’ll be gone mate.

[–]thrwy754794 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

You've done the fucking around. It's not like if you keep fucking around, you're going to reach nirvana. It is what it is.

The only thing this boils down to is wanting kids.

If you want kids, you're exactly at the right ages, and at the right stages of life, with the right circumstances to do so. So, go for it if you do.

For reasons other than banging more girls, if you don't want kids, I'd say leave things up in the air, tell her if she wants to go, she can go.

[–]masterpiece001 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

There are no 'right stages of life, or right circumstances'.

[–]thrwy754792 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There are several ethical issues surrounding the decision to have a child, and morality is always arguable.

However, in this case, admittedly, the word I should've used was not "right", but "ideal" instead:

  • ideal ages: she's in her peak fertility years; he's in his peak physical years; yes, men may age more gracefully than women but it doesn't change the fact that both get older, and old age is not pretty from any perspective

  • ideal stages of life: she wants commitment; he's fucked around, seen the shitty quality of women out there, and is thinking about kids

  • ideal circumstances: she's finishing school soon; he's got a career going with a fancy made-up big city job; their relationship is also ideal, as defined by The Godfather himself, Patrice O'Neal, where he kind of likes her, and she seems crazy about him

OP, if you do decide for marriage or something with more commitment, do not move in together. Personally, I've seen it happen, and it will likely destroy the relationship.

Also, as a favour, please don't forget to update us on how you fucked this up.

[–]TheQuatum0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed, there is no golden bliss out of nowhere. You've seen the full picture so it's up to you to decide if you've had it or wanna keep it up

[–]XT3M32 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

dealing with this now. its on HER to either fuck around or drop u. why are you changing?

its like one of my friends said to me, " this girl is in a relationship by her damn self , you are doing you , leave it be"

worse comes to worse, you will have to dump her . sometimes you need to be the one to "free" these girls from their own oneitis for their own good

[–]throwawaypizza12 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean - I would go exclusive. She sounds worth it and the other girls don't sound like they are really meeting your needs. A week a month isn't bad. You could visit her sometimes too. I'd just tell her you could make it work much better if she moved to your city.

[–]mrrooftops2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Boy, she loves the chase doesn't she... like it's a form of self harm. Obsessed? I wonder how she could change once you agree to her suggestion? She has given you so much rope to hang yourself with, the only way you could maintain this level of chase while being in a fully present LTR with her is to somehow be as 'distant' as you were in your open distant relationship. But she'll have cashed her crush in so the shit and comfort tests will be monumental eventually.

Either that or you have been utterly fooled by her making you believe this is all for you.

Good luck bud, all will unfold before you (and us hopefully if you have the balls to update openly in the future) She'll wise up and grow out of this sadly.

[–]CruxKimura2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Finding someone you like and Who you could see youself rising Kids with is hard. If you thing she might be that one. Then go for it. Trp is for us to grow as men. Not for us to hate womans(though alot of People here do). Trp is also for us to better understand woman so that when you find the one you like, You kan better keep the spark alive in the relationship by being the best you possible.

[–]_Anarchon_6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds like she realizes she doesn't have any good options back home, and is putting all her eggs in your basket. She's got a long term strategy for marriage with you to get out of that shitty town. That girl you broke up with is the girl she'll turn back into after she gets her hooks into you. I give her credit for all that effort though...that's a long game she's runnin.

[–]WiredT3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

LMAOOOOO Your so right that its scary. Shes doing all this because she feels like she doesnt have him.

[–]0kool741 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a seriously underrated comment.

[–]l2oland5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't see a reason to budge on your one sided open relationship. You're a man so date on your own terms, not on hers.

Like others have said here, you could offer exclusivity once she's close (fuck long distance). I don't really see the benefit to you though. Exclusivity fucks with your sexual strategy. I'd personally just keep spinning plates while she's in your city.

[–]hazelstein1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

she graduates in December and is planning to move to wherever I am

Unicorn shit but people need a backup plan when they are moving to different city for "their own"purposes. Probably she might use you for once settling down, stabling herself in the new city in which you live in ( in you go exclusive).
I'd say go do ask most of TOP SHELF ALPHA BOISES say here, to keep her as plate.
Validate too much, she will lose interest.

[–]danakdakdnakdn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wow this is crazy I was in an almost exact situation - Girl younger than me, long distance, one-sided open relationship so I could fuck because I also view it as physical need, and it eventually started bothering her. I can't really give advice because I'm a good bit younger so and therefore less worried about an eventual marriage. Things ended and it hurt because I cared about her, but I'm not sure if your relationship is worth saving. The way girls work, if this is bothering her now, it will always bother her and will likely lead to shit that isn't worth dealing with in the future.

[–]LordMarkStark1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Choice is yours, plenty of perspectives given. No situation is ever going to be perfect.

Don't start thinking she's an idiot for all that. She's probably on the look out herself or if it comes by her, she's not averse to the gym and most of what she does is for herself like anyone. As the stakes get higher she'll wise up. She's young too. Don't take her for a fool or someday you'll be hearing you disrespect her and she knew this was going to be like that. She's just conforming to her life options after study and you, it's a bet.

You two can't do anything about that or each other's/this situation. You've made it work, just be ready to have a different relationship after December with her. That's all you can do. It may be worse it may be better but I think you should start thinking about moving the other girls on. Don't decimate them but start making more room for this girl. December is a long way off.

Remember girls could delete Kik messenger from her phone for example or some such. Then put it back on to chat. There's all kinds of hide options too these days. Don't worry about that. I don't think she's sleeping round given her commitment right now. But it could happen.

Remember the closer December gets the more resentment could build. Of course you won't stop your plates completely, but you've told your main prospect about them, that's not sustainable. By December she'll be expecting an open runway or she may not (and even in spite of what she's saying now) ever move there. So give her and you the chance at something different/higher than now. If that does not eventuate or it goes south at least you tried in the best possible way.

December is a long way out. You're probably hopeful. Just don't do anything if you're keen on the idea to dash her hopes in the coming months. And things could change from now.

Early 30s probably a good time and she's early 20s, not as experienced. Sounds like a decent dynamic set up. You don't hold all the cards, you still need her active participation. But you said you're on the fence about it. And her resentment will build the closer to December it gets. You're over confident or apathetic. If you go for this just be mindful the closer it gets and her invested time. You have to match it as much as possible. She's young and dumber, it could be this is her life lesson.

Because you don't truly care about her. Craps easy when she's not really asked to do much. She won't invest emotionally as you will, then if it breaks up she'll drop that emotional investment like a lead balloon. She's shown she does not really care either. She's tolerating it. That's what she's doing now moving there, by December it's a long way off, must be making you apprehensive.

No one can give exactly what will happen. Just work out if you want her for a more proper girlfriend in the coming months, drop talking about other girls and indirectly mitigate them, butter her up a fraction, and the rest will probably go as best it can. However anything you do to this situation because it's decently and finely balanced will irrevocably change it. If you're not going to be there for her come December or don't want to, and she does move, it will go south fast.

I don't know, you can't always have your cake and eat it. There's certain expectations. You've still got to work out if you like her that much to spend even more time with her. If you do, start getting a little excited over time for her impending arrival.

I don't understand people's dislike for a steady girl when it comes by. You could go another 5 years before the next very decent one comes along, given you're 30ish and busy. Even if it only lasts 6 months after December. It's a decent lifestyle option for you. Just remember she has her own agenda/opportunity; and by December you may be sick of your plates or they've disappeared. I'd count on that occurrence rather than ditching this particular girl. Because when less women, even one, do more for you to your satisfaction, across all things, at least while it stays good, that's infinitely better than the hassles of spinning plates to get that. I'm not saying life long partners or some such, for however long it lasts. Just consider the pull of a big city versus a small town.

This is a perfect storm for her. She's going there for you right now as well as other things, and you don't care too much for her. Like I said it's up to you. Not like you have to choose today and she's fairly happy. She'll try to fit in like a good gf will, but you ought to not make it too hard. It's a different dynamic so I'm only focusing on until December.

[–]Lambdal71 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can also say we start a family, but that you want to fuck a hot girl if one comes along every few years or once a year, but you will include her also if she wants. This is a marriage with a couple of hall passes, but below swingers. This is what most people in my social circle (30s) do these days.

This is still an upgrade for her.

[–]Stupyyy1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dude you are in your prime and having a lavish sex maximized life-style. You are living the dream.

[–]AlfredKinsey1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Do not cohabitate if she moves to your city and you are still involved. Please do not cohabitate.

[–]YDdraig 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

If we plan on having kids we're eventually going to have to live together. Thoughts on why we shouldn't?

[–]AlfredKinsey1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Because it's in the sidebar and you expose yourself to greater risk from several angles. Checkout Bancroft's Six Immutable Laws of LTRs for broad answers that focus on potential dependency problems and reduced power. Basically, living together puts you in danger of disadvantageous betatization.

To answer the question behind your question, vetting does not require cohabitation. You can figure out how she behaves around others, how she fucks, how annoyed you can make each other, how she maintains a house and deals with children...all these things you can figure out without cohabitation.

Aside from the argument that it is not necessary, I would say AWALT is a solid reason. Don't be another guy who had a girl destroy your shit, nag you about your laundry, or hog your attention. Save cohabitation for when you're gonna give her children, if that's the path you choose.

Talking about having kids someday is different from being ready and willing to shoot live ammo into her pussy. Time spent living together without satisfying that drive has strong potential to undo a lot of the good behavior she exhibits right now.

[–]stare_at_the_sun2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

Reading this kind of stuff makes me so insecure. I am a female... is this how all men think?

Edit: what makes someone “the best” out of hundreds?

[–]party_dragon1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What exactly makes you insecure? Looks like she’s gerltting both ehat she wants (alpha seed) and what she needs (motivation to improve, proof he remains alpha).

Edit: this is what men were evolved to be, it’s the male sexual strategy, just like you have yours. Not all men think like that (people sometimes want things that are contrary to their evolutionary interests, e.g. homosexuality) but many are simply programmed to think that way, nothing we can do about it (except suppress it).

[–]throwawaypizza1-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

No way. This is a small subset of men who think they are alpha. Most guys aren't like this.

[–]stare_at_the_sun-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yea fuck this...

[–]8008bumbs 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

It just means her vagina fits his penis just right. When you have sex don't try to look hot. Just feel the feelings and the rhythm.

Being insecure about yourself makes the sex worse because you quit noticing the feelings and you try to pose like a pornstar. It makes your vagina not fit the penis as well.

[–]ScratchinCommander 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Lol wtf

[–]stare_at_the_sun2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Scratching my head on this one too...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why are you giving her commitment when it's not yours to give? Keep things as-is for now-- if she keeps proving her worth after she graduates and "moves your direction" in December, then let it happen naturally.

If you yield to this request, you're teaching her what lengths she has to go before she doesn't have to do any more and she's going to to know exactly at what point she can start disrespecting you.

[–]failingtheturingtest2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm not having sex with others to hurt you, I'm having sex with others because I need it to keep this relationship working.

If you want to have sex with others specifically to "show me how it feels", then I don't think we're compatible. If you just wanted to have sex with others and are trying to leverage my feelings for you to do so, then I don't think we're compatible. I'll let you make your choice.

[–]nowboarding 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

This is great. You have done one sided exclusive relationships?

[–]failingtheturingtest1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Currently have one. Was a plate for about 6 months before that. She's been exclusive for about 4 months. I went exclusive (without telling her) to see how I liked it, it was good but not for me at the moment. Realised that I was simply better when playing the field. She mostly gets it, I know she wants me to change my mind at some point, part of me hopes I will at some stage. In the meantime, she's talking about picking up women together, well see if that eventuates (had many plates/gfs in the past suggest it but baulk when it's happening)

The point is, it won't be successful all the time. Most of my plates break due to them wanting exclusivity and not getting it after a while or pushing too hard for it so becoming tom hard work to be around. But breaking my frame will cause me drama 100% of the time, so I'm better being open about my ingentions.

[–]MegladonBass2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Smh just tell her your not gonna fuck other girls but still fuck other girls. She’s not gonna know man.

[–]-SirJohnFranklin-0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wait until December and then decide?

[–]ChadTheWaiter1000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would commit if I was you but that’s just me. I spun enough plates before trp to the point where I don’t care about numbers. Meaning I’m not the type to fuck a 6-7 simply to add another knotch on my belt. I’m the type to bone a 9.5 because she’s hotter than my 9.45 (all hypothetical, but you get the picture). So up to you but that’s my two cents.

[–]StripperWhore0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She is going to try whatever she can to trap you into a monogamous relationship. Sounds like she's playing you for a relationship and you just want sex.

You're deluding yourself by thinking you're so great she will hold onto this bargain that completely favors you. She's manipulating you and your own grandiosity(that she's feeding into) is preventing you from seeing it.

The fact she's upping her game to "catch" you vs doing this in the first place is a red flag. Once she "catches" you she's going to stop.

She isn't doing this to please you. Pleasing you would be just sex. She's doing this to secure what she wants and you don't: a monogamous relationship.

[–]goblinboglin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nah, don't do it.

You got pretty good deal RN.

She has oneitis for you so she will rather share one alpha than fuck exclusive beta.

[–]flapjacksrbetter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Whats the update lmao

[–]bigboxguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Cool bro. Tell us more about how much you pull.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

but haven't found a single one I'm remotely interested in starting a life with

You are talking yourself into scarcity, this is not a good position to negotiate from.

This other girl seems to have female oneitis for me and had gone into the equivalent of monk mode while I was gone: eating healthier, working out, twice as feminine and cute as before.

This is actually a major red flag. Without you around she suddenly gets fit... but when you were there she doesn't. Can you see what's wrong with this?

After another visit the following month she brings up the possibility of a relationship which I shot down again for distance reasons but I've been curious about open relationships so I suggested that possiblity

You say "open relationship", but..

On her own initiative she suggested a one sided open relationship because "she only wanted my dick". I couldn't see any downside so I went with it and we've been doing this for about 6 months.

Right, so girlfriend with occasional FB's.


Right. Long distance girlfriend. Exactly the thing you said you wouldn't do.

unlock phone

You know how to unlock THAT phone. You've seen THAT phone at THAT point in time.

Not only can you not trust girls to be faithful, you shouldn't have to. You should live your life so that her cheating just doesn't matter to you. You're either in a strong position or you're fucked.... in all things. If you have to trust another person then you've already lost.

Plus I know the dating scene where she is, it sucks.

It sucks for men. Attractive women never have dating problems. Anywhere.

She now wants to go exclusive or if I won't accept that, open so I can understand how this hurts her.

So she's saying she'll fuck other guys if you fuck other women? She's threatening you?

I hope you see the dynamic here. Start with "exclusive to you" then she starts to make demands and threatening to withdraw her exclusivity. Threatening to hurt you as she claims you've hurt her.... pretending that men and women fucking other people is exactly the same (it isn't).

Are you going to be held to ransom like this?

I'm kind of on the fence between breaking up with her, going exclusive, or opening time up.

Relationships have a time. They last a while. Then the sex stops and the demands go up. The relationship goes downhill as do her looks (she'll stop hitting the gym so hard once she has what she wants). They all go this way. Nothing is permanent and exclusivity makes women lazy. You know all this and you know it's 10x worse long distance.

I know I hold all the cards here

Except abundance and options.

my girlfriend

I hope you realise you're talking about her as if she's your girlfriend. How did you let this happen? Why? Why are you letting her get what she wants while you don't get what you want?

[–]mushroom_overlord0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I have needs, when December comes and you can move in we can talk about it more, until then, sorry but feel free to be open on your end as well"

[–]AstuteBlackMan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just some thoughts man

You say she let's you see her phone once a week...maybe she deletes all evidence of men shes talking to right before she comes over. Did you think of that?

You say you know the dating pool of men there and it sucks (basically saying it wont compare to you which is fine) but she could still be going on dates with other guys and testing the market.

In my opinion it sounds like you want to date her. So just date her then see where it goes. But just know all this cooking for you shit and massaging you will probably die down when you start seeing each other more often.

I think its personally a good thing that you are seeing other women. puts her on her toes and let's it be known that you can easily move on.

But honestly whatever you do just think hard about it.

[–]WiredT-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Please tell me you wouldnt be upset if she DID fuck other guys 🤦🏾‍♂️

[–]roughback-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

it's a trap!

[–]antwonedw-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

tldr ?

[–]King-Manlet-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Here’s a simple solution. Tell her you’re gonna be exclusive and still keep your sides. Everyone’s happy.

[–]MisfitPL90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck off. Women Lie - Men own their shit and aren't scared to tell them how it is.

[–]tothetopbaby1-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Open up the relationship for her. Simple.

Just tell her that’s it’s cool if she fuck other guys if she does move maybe then become exclusive but definitely don’t drop ya hoes. Drop ya ego.

[–]HurricaneHugues-4 points-3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Whos gonna read all that?

[–]_Benny_Lava1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I did. Not that hard...just read.

[–]bigboxguy-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s written like crap

[–]_Benny_Lava0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree

[–]throwitdownman-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is this a language barrier issue? This is a textbook plate relationship. Call it what you want, but if it’s not a monogamous relationship, you two are not bf/gf. A harem while having a one sided relationship is the most beta, naive idea I’ve ever read.

There’s a million cocks between you and your snowflake, who you seem positive is doing everything for you. I’m not buying that she is monogamous.

And if you do not care that she’s fucking other people while you’re also fucking other people, that’s a plate relationship. The ideal, if you didn’t know, is to get a GF by PROMOTING A PLATE. So if you think she is fine, then promote to LTR. It’s common protocol.

All this talk about marriage, her being the best fuck, and her changing for you - sounds like you’re having severe oneitis.

[–]lucasm27-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

you sound like a asshole

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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