Struggling with loss of 10 year LTR

I know this post is going to scream insecurity but it’s the biggest change in my life and I need to vent. I don’t even know where to start so this might just seem like endless rambling.

We were friends and met in high school. A couple years later we started dating and fell in love. We were only 16 at the time and stayed together for 10 years. We stuck together, invested in each other, and supported each other. She pushed me to go through college and graduate with my degree and even helped me pay off loans. She did a lot for me, she moved in with me in my parents house after 4 years and cooked for me, cleaned, and did what she thought would make me happy. We had a great sex life and took each other’s virginities. She was a cuck and loved it when I would mess around with other women and always fantasized about having threesomes and being submissive to me. But I was a beta and those opportunities were few and far between for me.

She would make a good housewife but she also had her flaws. She was needy for my attention and eventually I stopped seeing friends because I wanted to see her. I started to plan events for just the two of us because I was so emotionally dependent on her. I got complacent the last couple years. I was working 60 hours a week and when I got home all I wanted to do was be with her. It was comforting.

She had huge insecurities with her looks and with money. In the 10 years we were together she went from a 4/5 to a 7/8. She lost weight, started using make up, and had braces done which has probably the biggest physical insecurity she had. I made the same kind of transformation going from a ugly fat guy to someone most women would consider handsome.

She controlled the finances in our relationship and I felt like I needed to ask for permission to buy the things I wanted. She would say that she wanted me happy and to actually go ahead and spend it but I always had to second guess whether it was a good idea or not. We were living at my parents saving a ton of money so we could buy a house and start our lives together. I was starting to get depressed working a job I thought was beneath me because it provided stability. I was living at home when I wanted to be independent and start living our own life. I wanted to buy a bunch of shit and do things that I thought really aligned with my identity and pursue my hobbies and interests. But I always felt like I needed to buy our house first before I could indulge in these things.

She grew up poor and had a huge problem with money. She never felt like she was secure with it even when we had so much saved up. And it’s not like she had a spending problem or wanted to live some extravagant lifestyle. She just never felt like it was enough to make her feel safe.

I was starting to feel depressed for a long time thinking that whatever I did wouldn’t be enough to attain what I wanted. I was the one that was motivated to have a nice house, a nice car, vacations and hobbies but felt powerless in getting them.

She broke up with me a few months ago and I become so needy and unattractive in her eyes. I was unconfident and depressed I would buy her gifts to show her my affection and beg her to take me back. I even helped her buy a new fucking car. It worked once or twice but all the problems we had always came back. I had no power in our relationship and I couldn’t change myself from being depressed. I was honestly trying to work on myself and figure out what was wrong with me so I could give her a happy relationship but nothing worked.

She moved out to her sisters house and soon after started talking to some guy in another state. She lied to me about it and said it was because I wouldn’t take it well. No shit. I started trying to stand up for myself and putting on a fake alpha persona. I would get angry at her and try to control her and it would get her slightly attracted but eventually my already weak frame broke and she had absolutely zero interest in me.

We spoke on the phone last Tuesday and she told me she is going to give this guy a chance and how much of a great guy he was. She told me he knows what he wants. He’s confident, independent, and has his shit together. I wished her the best.

Feeling defeated and lost I gave in to her demands when we split our joint account the next day. I felt like maybe it’s how I wanted to end things being nice to her. We met for an hour and talked about how our relationship went. I gave her closure. That same day she left and went on a trip with her new guy and went back to his hometown and she’s still there.

I’ve been reading books trying to take my mind off things but I can’t believe I’ve been so much of a fucking pussy. I still want her back and I’m still thinking of how I could regain her attraction. How I can become more of a man so I could lead us. I’m slowly realizing all the shit that was wrong with both of us but I just can’t help but feel like a failure. Like maybe if I had a few of these revelations sooner things might have worked out. I helped build her up just for her to leave.

I know this is nothing new to you guys but I just didn’t believe it could happen to me.