Why do I crave affection more than sex?

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April 2, 2019
182 upvotes

I don't have anybody in my life I could openly discuss this with so I'm just going to post this here in hopes of finding a solution or at least a few people who share the same sentiment.

I followed the advice in TRP for about half a year now and I've gone from total skinny gamer sperg to having decent muscle mass and hobbies beyond gaming and a few new friends that I made in university. An old oneitis hit me up recently because her family and mine are good friends and she wanted to express that she felt awful for me because my dad died a few months ago. We kept texting on a friendly basis and during one night of casual sexting I proposed that we could be fuckbuddies, to which she surprisingly agreed. I was a virgin at that point (which she didn't) know but I was just gonna wing it and not care too much which ended up working out okay.

Before and after we had sex (she stayed at my place for a weekend) we cuddled and she had her hands on my chest and stroked my hand and my arms and all that affectionate stuff that I didn't really know before. We slept in the same bed during the night, all cuddled up and now this is where my problem come in: I miss her a lot, and I don't mean her body or the sex, but the affection she displayed towards me. It went as far as me holding back tears of happiness while it went on because it felt like this was what I was missing my whole life up to this point and now that she's back at her place (which is 2 hours away) I really miss it. This sounds super desperate and needy and I'm doing my best to ignore it but I just felt the need to try and discuss this specific situation with somebody who understands more about all this than I do. I can't talk about this with people I know irl because what loser cries over something as basic as affection, am I right?

I feel like a simp whining about it and missing it and I would like to change that. I hope some of you can empathize and offer me some advice.


Post Information
Title Why do I crave affection more than sex?
Author Vithonil
Upvotes 182
Comments 96
Date 02 April 2019 08:31 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/224084
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/b8gh57/why_do_i_crave_affection_more_than_sex/
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Comments

[–]_Anarchon_55 points56 points  (3 children) | Copy

Why do I crave affection more than sex?

Research Maslow's Heirchy of Needs. Red Pill strategies will help you get laid, but don't make the mistake of thinking they are the complete solution to your happiness and contentment. If they are the only component in your worldview, you will necessarily suffer for it as a human.

[–]Vithonil[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thank you very much. I think I did make the mistake of seeing every interaction through the Red Pill to the best of my understanding.

[–]TheGillos13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

One red pill I know is that men are romantics pretending to be pragmatic. Women are pragmatists pretending to be romantic.

[–]EvolvedVirus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Empty sex will bore even the biggest rockstars (otherwise why would they need drugs with constant groupies?). This is why you must do great things for humanity or instead for justice, science, truth, or liberty (an ideal or principle)--something bigger than yourself.

Everyone needs affection and companionship. Those who go on a quest just to get laid or bang women tend to then realize they also wanted more than just that. That even expensive monthly hookers can't satisfy it.

Also why people might get depressed if they think they lost their purpose. It's not that you need a purpose, it's that having purpose, responsibilities, even hard work keeps your mind healthy.

Ever see a lazy rich lady, they just drink box wine and are always unhappy secretly even if they know they have the power to seduce almost any man to fall in love with them.

[–]Aesthetik_1243 points244 points  (18 children) | Copy

It’s totally human behavior man, don’t worry. I think most of the answers here are shit tbh

If the warmth is what you crave let the girls in your life know by encouraging them to give it to you. Not by asking for it directly but reassuring them, complimenting them when they give it. Good plates will find pleasure in giving pleasure to you. Now that doesn’t mean you should develop oneitis, you must keep abundance and realize that it’s not the girl you miss but female affection in general, which you can get from other chicks too

good luck

[–]Vithonil[S] 45 points46 points  (6 children) | Copy

Thanks for the comment, I agree. I don't feel like the warmth has to come from her and her only, it's just that I want that affection in general because I've been missing it the past 19 years.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

Even after mastering the red pill and you get your 'Chad' level game on, you will still feel empty. Most women, most people will never give a fuck about you.

Your quest in life should always be to meet more people, discard them as fast as you get to know them. Only hold onto the people in your network that serve you as you serve them or better. Distance yourself from the leeches currently in your life and continue to keep them out of your life. You deserve better.

It is not a hopeless search. I have in my life come to find over two dozen exceptionally loving people that care deeply for me, some as deeply or more deeply than I do them.

The quest is long, but you will get there. Happy that you have this recognition my friend, you will find more people to get what you need from soon, just keep pressing forward and meeting more people.

You are right that you shouldn't share this with anyone, I mean you can but not with anyone that might share it with others, and never with a woman you are trying to retain.

Best of luck, would love to hear back from you in a few months!

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks a lot for your comment, it's really great to have all these people give me the advice and perspectives my dad or my friends can't offer me. I'm going to do my best to improve my life. Thank you again, I'll try to remember to update you in a couple months' time. Best wishes to you!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Best of luck

[–]mrssmithhh0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly, this affection is something your mother should have given you. I believe that the feeling of true abundance comes from a deep bond with the primary caregiver (usually the mother) in early childhood. If a mom is head-over-heals in love with her son, she gives him a shield of emotional invincibility that he carries his entire life, and it helps him with women, with his career, with everything.

Sadly, most moms pump out this very important job of raising their children to daycares, and their sons never have that primal and deep need met. You’re not being a loser for caring about warmth and affection. You’re being a human man. Just recognize that it’s not your fault for not getting that need met before now, and that it should have been done long ago, and that you will also never be compensated by the one who failed to meet that need (typically the mother - whoever was the primary caregiver in your infant and toddler years. Sex is an inadequate substitute for real intimacy and affection.

[–]-ThePathIsTheGoal-16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great fucking answer

[–]sesamerox16 points17 points  (7 children) | Copy

your comment seems to be in the right direction, although the affection does not have to be only female and/or only from plates etc....

[–]phscumcp16 points17 points  (4 children) | Copy

That’s true. I found that after breakups or tough times having a really good group of supportive friends did well to replace that feeling of affection from a gf

[–]Vithonil[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, that's definitely another aspect of my life that I'm lacking. I've been focusing solely on the self-improvement aspect of trp and I realize I also have to improve in the social sector and build a group of reliable friends. Thank you!

[–]walkingbabymaker 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

How do you give/get affection without being gay?

[–]phscumcp0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lmao not sure if sarcastic. But yeah coulda worded that shit differently. Just meant like support and a shoulder to lean on not getting felt up by your boy lmfao

[–]erzakai10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

that’s true, give your bros a hug but make sure to tuck that boner afterwards

[–]hazelstein0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

hahahaha DAMN. hug shouldn'tbe more that .30 millisecond

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now that doesn’t mean you should develop oneitis, you must keep abundance and realize that it’s not the girl you miss but female affection in general, which you can get from other chicks too

Is that all there is? Just hormones?

[–]Pelikahn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I feel the same way OP does and I think this is some solid advice.

I came here to suggest that OP should allow himself to feel his emotions, and to not forget that she isn’t the only girl who can give him affection.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon25 points26 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don't have anybody in my life

And there's your answer.

Affection / being wanted / belonging are fundamental human needs perhaps more important than sex.

We kept texting on a friendly basis and during one night of casual sexting I proposed that we could be fuckbuddies, to which she surprisingly agreed.

Awesome

I miss her a lot, and I don't mean her body or the sex, but the affection she displayed towards me

Right. It's great to feel wanted and needed.

I can't talk about this with people I know irl because what loser cries over something as basic as affection, am I right?

You're right, and you sound weak if you say this sort of thing. You're right to keep it to yourself because the hungry don't get fed while millionaires get invited to free lunches. Banks want to loan to the rich (who can afford to repay), not to the poor (who need it).

I hope some of you can empathize and offer me some advice.

Best advice I can give you is to live and build an awesome life by doing, learning, and excelling at anything you feel interested in. Women don't want to give affection to someone desperate for affection. They want to give affection to the popular amazing attractive guy who needs nothing.

Affection perhaps even more than sex has no shortcuts: you get affection because women want and adore you, not because you need it.

Having friends and a good social network isn't the same, but it does help a lot while you found it.

PS next time you get what you need, don't commit too hard to it. Commit instead to securing its supply. This means MORE OPTIONS and not marriage or exclusivity.

[–]Vithonil[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you very much for your comment! I gained a lot of insight from it and I will try to change myself and my mentality to the best of my ability. Again, thank you!

[–]theredfinance0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was in a similar situation in my life, craving affection. Maybe I went on a wrong path, but now I feel that affection is fake and most of the time I resent it (knowing that it is here just because I have worked on myself). After all, everything is economics. They don't love you , they love the feels you give to them. When you realise that, you feel a bit empty.

OP, I suggest buying a dog.

[–]TRP VanguardHumanSockPuppet10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

What you are feeling is normal.

In the beginning, when men first discover TRP, they are incels craving after sex. Most of our advice is geared towards getting them sex as effectively as possible.

But once they graduate past this, and they're getting sex on the regular, sometimes they begin to crave after affection, appreciation, femininity.

Sex is easy to get once you know how. It's femininity that is truly scarce.

This is where you are now. Luckily, we've got you covered.

Women are naturally inclined to submit to a dominant male who claims ownership of her. In order to inspire women to behave in this way, you must develop your sense of entitlement. Be demanding, be benevolently condescending of women, be the Daddy to replace their fathers.

See my Guide to Training Bitches for more information.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fantastic, I'll read that straight away! Thank you very much for your comment!

[–]TRP VanguardHumanSockPuppet2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

As you move forward, keep in mind: although you crave for femininity, don't become so anxious for companionship that you give away your commitment before it has been earned.

Be sure to also read my Guide to Managing Bitches, which is in the sidebar of the main sub.

[–]caius10063 points64 points  (5 children) | Copy

First of all, well done for working out and making your life better. Second of all, my deep condoleances for your father. Last but not least, no matter how harsh it sounds, you must next anything related to a oneitis. This comes from a lack of abundance, and the need for external validation. Ive been there, it's all because you dont feel enough by yourself and have the need of affection. It is indeed a beautiful thing, but you must recognize the fact that you are a man and have your own mission. Anything that doesnt help you towards achieving your final goals must be got rid of. As a conclusion, get more girls, read the sidebar and the rational male. Next the girl, you are not ready for this. Getting a oneitis back into your life is always a bad idea. Focus on your mission, God speed brother!

[–]JarHeadJoseph1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

So no LTR?

[–]redpilledjoe8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Omeitis isn't an LTR persay.. you must certainly have a deeper level of attraction to consider this kind of relationship but oneitis implies some unhealthy tunnel vision on one person, like putting them on a giant pedestal

[–]caius1001 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You are not able to maintain the frame. Big no. Build your plates and get that abundance. Afterwards you probably wont even give much of a fuck about her. That's when you will truly be able to have her in a LTR.

[–]Vithonil[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I read the Book of Pook yesterday (the first few chapters) and I find it extremely funny how at one point it says how every guy who only ONE fuckbuddy will want to date that girl. I found it ridiculous how well it portrayed my own thoughts without even knowing me. But you are right, if I were to be in a serious LTR with her I would break frame way too often and it wouldn't last long at all. I had to convince myself several times yesterday not to text her some passive-aggressive bullshit because she read my message but didn't text me back for two or three hours.. I still have much to learn and quite a way to go.

[–]caius1003 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am proud of guys like you. Really happy for ya, enjoy the proccess

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T30 points31 points  (11 children) | Copy

It went as far as me holding back tears of happiness while it went on because it felt like this was what I was missing my whole life up to this point

Sounds like your mom was a stone cold ice queen who didn't like babies and didn't like being touched too often, and would prefer to fold her underwear using a ruler.

1-2 beers once or twice a week isn't a big deal. Trying to drink as much beer as you can the minute you get home from work is not healthy.

It's OK to enjoy the afterglow from sex and enjoy cuddling sometimes. It's not OK to try to guzzle that shit like Space-X guzzles rocket fuel.

Moderation in all things.

[–]Vithonil[S] 12 points13 points  (6 children) | Copy

Yeah she certainly isn't loving in general. It's strange when I visit friends and they can talk about everything with their parents without being judged or ridiculed. It may sound harsh but I don't feel like my mom my brother and I are a family, we're more like 3 people who live in the same house together.

I know I shouldn't act so desperate for it (and to the outside I'm not) and I will try to distract myself and keep myself under control. Thanks a lot for your comment, I really appreciate it!

[–]sesamerox6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

see if you can connect with some southern cultures, ie south american. They are good at expressing affection at all levels of relationship (ie including friends) and does not have to be opposite sex. I can relate to some of the things described above and one thing helps is to seek various sources of this affection. Certainly right now this girl and you are on different level of "needing" the affection. If you show this stuff up to her or focus too much on her - she will get pushed away. However, if you find new sources and feel more independent your relationship will only improve.

I think overall you are on the right track - a lot of good action and asking/investigating right questions.

[–]Vithonil[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the kind words and the suggestion. Luckily I live in Germany and I can study abroad for one semester so I think I will do that and study in Spain or something. I know enough to not show this needy behavior towards her but in the end I only do that to fuel my oneitis. It's weird thinking about it because I get emotional very easily right now. When I wrote this post I thought about her constantly and felt upset about her not giving me all her attention (stupid, I know) and my dad's death but right at this moment I couldn't give less of a fuck if she texts me or not. But I'll follow your advice and look for other people. Again, thank you!

[–]resnine2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You aren't alone there, got a distant relationship with my family too. Problem is you start seeking out that love/affection externally and it can become toxic, needy, and co-dependent.

[–]Vithonil[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah I'm glad I'm not the only one. I don't want to whine and act like a victim here but she always loved my little brother more than me. As soon as he went to school I was left on my own, he was the center of her world. I ended up getting addicted to video games which ruined my teenage years and I deeply regret that but that is nobody's fault but my own and it's too late to change it now. The problem is also that no matter what new hobby I take up or whatever new I want to do it always gets ridiculed first. When I got first wanted to start going to the gym my dad was the only one who said that was a good idea and I should have started a long time ago. My mom and my brother made fun of me and shamed me (I was 16 at the time) and I ended up dropping that hobby shortly after.

I started learning Russian out of interest a few weeks ago and the first thing my mom said when she found out was: "Oh, now you're learning ANOTHER language?" in that dismissive tone. It's really fucked and I wish I had a normal family.

Thanks for your comment and reading through mine if you took the time, I feel like I just need to vent a bit here haha

[–]resnine0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The co-dependency is unreal....

Just do what you feel like. I'm guessing I am quite a bit older than you. You seriously stop caring about what other people think as you get older. And similarly you becoming a lot more accepting of yourself and whatever flaws you think you have. Just do what makes you happy and forget what people think about it.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm 19 so yeah you probably are older than me. I'm really lucky and grateful to have discovered trp at such an early age. Yeah the co-dependency seems to be another big issue I have to fix, but I'll get there. Thanks again!

[–]resnine1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yep it will start being used as a crutch, then he will become co-dependent. Not feeling good unless she goes everywhere with him, and then him texting her 24/7. This can get emotionally out of control if not cut-off and kept in-check.

[–]Vithonil[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Been there done that with pretty much every girl I was ever in love with. I always felt/feel like they don't give me as much attention as I'd like and I get upset/hurt when they don't want to spend every single day with me which is stupid and I know that. A past love interest prioritized learning for her exams over driving to my place for an entire hour and I actually felt hurt back then, even though I realize that that is the absolutely normal thing to do. It's really retarded if you think about it because logically I realize it but emotionally I get upset nonetheless and end up saying/doing stupid things that ruin the relationship. I do have better control over myself today thanks to trp and all the great books but it still sucks. Sometimes I wish I had just grown up normally like my friends who don't need to remind themselves that there's other things their partners want to do other than spend their entire life with them.

[–]resnine3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do yourself a favor and read the book "Codependency no more" it's a fantastic read that goes into the things you are describing. It's easy to see that you have this and it's due to our mothers. I say "our" because I have a similar distant/cold relationship with my mom. It's just strained and stressed and she's always been a bit disinterested and angry at me, from as far back as I can remember. Her mother is always like that, like someone else described, a stone cold ice queen . So I seek out maternal love else where. Same thing happens when you don't have a good relationship with your father. You become co-dependent towards other men and even men your own age. You look for a leader and aren't happy unless your friends are there doing things, leading you. Basically you fall into their frames (aka easily influenced). You live in your gf's frame when you have a poor relationship with mom. You live in your friends' frame when you have a poor relationship with your dad. Do you find yourself being easily swayed/falling under others influence? Do you find yourself not happy unless other friends/girlfriends are with you? Usually this is co-dependency.

Be a man and get your emotions under control. No offense, but no women or other men want to deal with man-babies.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'll read that book next, thank you! Yeah I realize I would live in somebody else's frame if I were in an LTR which is part of the reason I have been avoiding it. I used to just follow along and be easily influenced but honestly, this has changed quite dramatically ever since I moved out for university and I am quite proud of it. I do feel a lot happier when friends are around, but I don't feel super depressed when they leave or when I'm on my own. To be fair, after a long night out with my friends I am actually glad when I'm back at my apartment and it's quiet again. Co-dependency is an issue for me, no doubt, but it seems to not be as severe as it could be.

No offense taken, I know that nobody wants to deal with a man-baby, myself included, which is why I am seeking to fix this issue and I'm asking about it on the Internet instead of my real life friends as their advice would probably be garbage anyway. Thanks again for your comment, it really helped me out!

[–]Endorsed ContributorKeffirLime28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy

It's because you're operating from a place of scarcity, any women who shows you affection is it, they're your saviour from loneliness and your only supply of sex, so you crave it.

Had you had multiple women offfering you affection(and sex), you'd be concerned with which one you wanna fuck, because you have abundance and choice.

[–]Vithonil[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you very much, I'm going to work on that then.

[–]DatingTank4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

At most, what you're being told here can make it more prominent. But at the end of the day, it happens because your body it flooded with the "bonding hormone" oxytocin as well as dopamine.

These same hormones are also the reason you get sleepy after an orgasm.

It will always happens, as your body will always do this. This can not be changed.

But if you're aware of these evolutionary, hormonal functions, then at least you know that it's your biology affecting you. And then you can use your conscious willpower to NOT fall asleep, even though it would feel amazing to just drift off, and you can consciously fight any needy behavior by reminding yourself that you're not thinking conpletely rationally right after sex.

I truly believe that it's extremely important to be aware of these hormobal effects, that are actual science, not manosphere pseudoscience, and not just think of it in redpill terms. Because if you do the latter, you can waste decades figthing something that need not be fought. "Why am I still in this scarcity mindset damned!"

Mate, you're not (necessarily), it's just your body doing what it has learned doing through millions of years of evolution.

So, to add on the specific advice you got here, it may or may not be true that you have a scarcity mindset. But it can also be that you actually have an abundance mindset that just gets confused as fuck right after sex and orgasm. it's a spectrum, I am sure you know where you are - if you wait for the hormones to lose their effect.

PS: Cuddling can have some of the same effects. Oxytocine starts being released after, I don't remember the exact numbers, but let's just say 30 minutes of close contact, especially skin to skin. That's why people like cuddling so much. So realize this, and either don't do that, or just remind yourself that you will feel extra attraction towards this girl, and that it's an even more irrational attraction than if you just like her looks or personality.

[–]unbelievablyposh15 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is normal. You should get a girlfriend - it's good for you to get that affection and get it out of your system. That has helped me and my friend, because once we knew we could affection from any girl, it became less about the affection. You have to go through this process.

Just to emphasize "If the warmth is what you crave let the girls in your life know by encouraging them to give it to you. Not by asking for it directly but reassuring them, complimenting them when they give it."

[–]resnine3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ultimately it's because you lack that in other areas of your life, probably not a good relationship with mom. Also I would guess you are sad and depressed and this is a way to grieve all that pain. The problem here is getting oneitits and becoming clingy and needy.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You guessed right, I definitely don't have a good relationship with my mother, I actually dislike her most of the time. I am sad which is probably because my dad died so early but I am not depressed (luckily). I want to avoid oneitis at any cost and I am trying my best to control myself to not be clingy or needy. I guess I still have a lot to learn and work on.

[–]resnine4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

We don't have control over onetis we control abundance to counter-act onetits. Without abundance oneitis is inventible. That's just how men are wired, we lock onto one girl when we don't have other options. Make sure you aren't putting all your eggs into one basket here, and that you are diversifying your love and attention in other areas, and don't think abundance only comes from women. Abundance doesn't just come from having women, it comes from having friends, activities, hobbies, good career, and money.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you very much. Yes, I do have a scarcity mindset and I am going to need to work on that to fix this issue. I appreciate every comment of yours, thank you!

[–]resnine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Welcome

[–]ais89 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Have you tried getting a dog? I know it sounds silly, but dogs love people unconditionally. I think that's what you want. You want to be loved the way you would have yourself loved (ironclad rule 6).

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Funnily enough both my brother and I pressed for a dog a short time after my father had died and we ended up getting one. He is super sweet and has definitely helped us all in dealing with my dad's death. Honestly, I always thought that getting a dog would fix this need for unconditional love and companionship and it surely has, to a degree, but I'm not going to lie, it simply isn't a human connection. I have come to realize that a dog isn't the ultimate fix for it, especially after last weekend. But I am glad I have him, haha :D

[–]RedAgeist7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Look into understanding Male mother need. Work on diminishing it.

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I will do that, thank you!

[–]Joeboard7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Normal for a super scarce mindset.

A kid with all the toys in the world isnt crazy excited about his christmas present.

The poor kid with nothing is fucking extatic getting a used xbox360 for christmas.

In this case, you want to be the spoiled rich kid with options out the ass.

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks a lot for your comment. I will create a more abundant mindset and fix this issue.

[–]AstuteBlackMan4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Dont know if I can solve it but maybe I can offer some perspective. Props for changing your life and your hobbies.

You said your dad died, what are your thoughts on his death? Was he an asshole? A great caring father? Are you still not over it?

Also would you attribute it to your oneitis with her? Could it be because you liked her?

[–]Vithonil[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

We got along well, really well actually and I loved him more than I love my mom. He wasn't 100% beta but he never offered me advice when it came to girls. In retrospect I wish we could have spent more time together but I was too busy killing minions in League of Legends to develop any meaningful relationships in my life. And now that he's dead I have to take over all the additional stuff he did. We have a small forest that needs to be taken care of and I have to learn it all by myself because we never really got around to doing it together. The past few months have been really shit because my mom is useless when it comes to taking charge and my brother is too young and still in puberty. In addition to that I don't really have a support network or anything like that, the friends I made 2 years ago in school all were gamer friends and we don't really talk these days anymore because I quit the game we all played together a few months ago and I don't really game much in general anymore.

This is getting kind of ranty but my oneitis developed last year because she had genuine interest in me and I in her but I ended up coming across as too desperate and emotional and she wanted to be "just friends" which I declined and went no contact for a year. She started texting me again about two weeks after the funeral. I don't think it's oneitis necessarily, it's more of a need for female affection no matter who it comes from.

I'm definitely not over my father's death yet even though it's been a little over 3 months at this point. There's just so much stuff to take care of and I can't let myself fall because if I should need help, I know I won't get it.

Also, thanks for the comment, I really do appreciate it.

[–]AstuteBlackMan1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ok. Well my next question would be what was your parents marriage like. I personally grew up in a home with a good father and good mother. Father is strict but caring and funny. Mother is also a good mother. Seeing their relationship puts me in somewhat of the same boat as you. It's not like I crave it personally but it's nice to have an ltr that's there for you and that's affectionate. (If they're actually a good woman).

So in one aspect maybe you're trying to take after your father and what he had with your mom.

However

Considering the oneitis portion this might also tie into it as well. If you were desperate and emotional before then you changed and developed yourself but you havent seen other girls then maybe that might be why you're longing for that affection from her. You havent been or experienced other woman. Desperation usually comes from thinking someone's above you or thinking "this is the best you'll ever do". You went from that to changing yourself and your body but that doesn't mean your mentality fully changed all the way.

I'm thinking this might be it. Just my perspective.

One solution in my opinion would be to sleep and game more women. See if you still want that afterwards after you start developing and spinning some plates.

[–]Vithonil[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would say that from as well as I could observe it my mom ran the marriage and my dad followed. There were occasional events where my dad actually took the lead, but when it came to bathroom projects, garden work and which house to buy it was apparent who had more power in their marriage. It actually went as far as my brother and I calling my dad "the dog" behind his back because he would do whatever my mother said.

My dad wasn't really strict, he tried to be but it felt more like he was trying to be our friend rather than an authoritative father figure. He was funny and we were always joking together (I loved him way more than my mom). My mother however I don't like. She always preferred my brother over me and let him get away with things just because of that and we had a big fallout 2 years ago when I had initially discovered trp and realized what an emotionally abusive bitch she was throughout all my childhood and teenage years. I would even go as far as to day that she is a narcissist.

As far as the oneitis is concerned it definitely matters that I hadn't even had my first kiss before her. This girl who is my current fuckbuddy has been my first everything. First kiss, first time I put my hand around a girl's shoulders (imagine that at 19.. yikes), first girl I saw naked and vice versa, first girl whose boobs and ass I touched, etc. And all that in the span of about 4 hours last Friday which is surely not helping with my current situation. And you are right, I have not yet fully changed my mentality but it's something I am going to work on.

I will try sleeping with more women as I am definitely lacking in the social aspect of trp. Thanks again for your comment and your perspective, it feels really good to talk about this with somebody.

[–]macheagle3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

OP, if you don’t mind my asking - were you from a broken home? Many of my friends who exhibit the same behaviors are from broken homes and crave affection because of it.

[–]Vithonil[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Not really broken per se. If you read some of my other comments the only "trauma" is probably that I never felt like my mother loved me as she only cared about my younger brother while I was left alone to do whatever I wanted, even when my grades went from being really good to being mediocre at best because I was gaming so much I got absolutely no reaction from her. Everything was fine because my brother was really good at school and at playing the piano, it didn't really matter to her when I stayed up until 3 a.m. playing League of Legends during the school week. I actually grew to dislike her a lot and I still do to this day, she's just an emotionally abusive woman who will shame you left and right. It's funny if you think about how men always tend to marry women who resemble their own mothers (I read about that somewhere a while back) because my grandmother is the same way when it comes to emotional manipulation and abuse. I really don't want to marry and if I do end up marrying a woman, I better make sure she is as unlike my mother as possible.

You can ask me anything, really, and I will answer truthfully, I really enjoy the dialogue on here.

[–]macheagle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OP, sorry it took awhile to respond. Thanks for your thoughts too, they have shed some light on the issue.

By broken home it includes soured and broken relationships with our parent(s) since childhood. They affect how we subconsciously process and perceive adult relationships, and cause us to develop insecurities and needs that are manifested through our responses from the interactions of our significant others. You are already self-aware of some of it which is an awesome first step - many would not have had the cognitive recognition to realize and ask questions about it.

Your unresolved issues and potential resentment towards how your mother treated you left residual trauma into your adulthood, and in a way what your SO did was what you wished you had from your mother as a child. A pure form of TLC that you may not have gotten.

There may be other reasons but this unresolved conflict should not be ignored.

Again thanks for sharing and I hope this at least gets you thinking and processing it a bit more. Take care brother.

[–]ogkushinjapan2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Every first is going to be memorable. We all go through that.

[–]Gordon-G2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don’t be needy, have plenty of options always available. Never fixate on one!

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How do you go from leaving such a good comment to shouting out "the soy is strong with this one"? Just wondering lol

[–]RPDream3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you lived in a family where the father was a weak beta... a house dominated by your unloving mom. Your unloving mom deprived you from affection and you are trying to fill this hole through the females you meet. You are craving attention ! You are looking for the mother you have been missing your whole life. Please understand that this is unhealthy. Your crying and craving for attention and affection is feminine. I am not surprised. Your father was absent and he could not teach you the right masculinity. Luckily you are here in the right place TRP. Start your journey of discovering and embracing masculinity through reading.. lots of reading. Start with NMMNG. It’s a must for you. Good luck!

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh I know it's unhealthy, trust me on that one. That's why I am doing my best to keep my neediness under control when it wants to act up. The last year has really changed me and I have gone quite a way into the right direction, I feel like. I am very glad to have found TRP because I have literally zero healthy male rolemodels in my life and this sub and all the books in it have helped/will help me a ton. NMMNG is already on its way to my doorstep. Thank you very much for the answer!

[–]MarioBuzo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I really miss it.

Good, extra motivation.

I feel like a simp whining about it and missing it and I would like to change that.

Well, just don't express it too much, you shouldn't care about wanting it but about women starting to think they can take advantage of it.

Go read the sidebar.

[–]LLL3peat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s normal, most men in today’s society miss one huge important thing: touch. I’ll seriously get downvoted for it all but it’s true.

Plates and FWB and relationships are great, being able to disengage at any minute if necessary was taught by TRP, but sometimes you just want another being to touch, feel, and just “be” so to speak.

It’s not wrong to want or crave it, just don’t let it control you or your mission in life. Touch and receiving attention releases oxytocin and dopamine. Thus women love social media more than anything else. They don’t need to physically touch but crave and desire attention and the feeling to be desired.

[–]Glennus6261 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Too much soy in your diet?

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah I eat around 20kg every day. Is that too much?

[–]EXTNTH1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

youre naturally beta

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Quality comment

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K180 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Make a choice. You have scarcity, bouts of oneitis and emotional over investment. Get out of your feminine and into your masculine.

[–]jellybrick870 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because you are a healthy individual in a sick society populated by increasingly lonelier individuals.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

U can go talk to a psychologist, stop lying

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

are you commenting on the wrong post?

[–]gerfcam0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Do you have low self worth?

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think so.

[–]Ohboohoolittlegirl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

For me affection is way more important than sex...

I got a dog.. an affectionate dog, to scratch that itch.. I don't expect women to take care of my mental well being, they can't even take care of their own mental well-being..

[–]AtlasCuckd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Be careful. While the sentiment is true and I do agree (personally) about gravitating more toward sentimentality than sexuality (while still craving both), you must not confuse it with what you experienced. I'll explain:

You mentioned in this post that you were a virgin up until that encounter. To a certain extent, this girl just became a form of oneitis for you. You didn't know anything else before her, and now that she's your first sexual encounter you're attaching a lot of emotion to it. It is currently of very high value to you (you also mentioned a feeling of having missed out). You may not agree consciously, but it's there.

So ask yourself: what portion of what you've just discovered about affection is due to your internal compass/state, and how much of it is due to this oneitis encounter. The only way to know is to keep working on yourself and fucking other girls so this one encounter isn't something you worship.

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Stop drinking out of plastic bottles you soy boy

[–]Vithonil[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

But the glass ones hurt my teeth :(

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

XD

[–]Gordon-G1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes indeed, the soy is strong with this one !

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You are really a woman. Get your dick cut off and start the transition to female.

[–]Vithonil[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So further up you leave a really great comment that is actually helpful and down here you leave this weird "you really are a woman" shit. Are you sharing your account or what is going on? I quite like my dick to be honest.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just making a joke first off then I looked into the comments and there was a great comment so I got supportive.

[–]DatingTank-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oxytocin

/thread



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