I appologize in beforehand, english is not my primary language.
Unknowing about red and blue pill i have had my own self created philosopy when it comes to relationships and personal growth.
It started young, 16. I got friendzoned by my first big crush because i did not have the balls to tell her. I made a vow to myself to never let something like that slip thru my fingers again. I told myself everyday, im great, im confident, i look good. It stuck, it was pure. I got attention from most girls in school, Guys looked up to me, i was the leader, the alpha.
I found one girl more intressting than the others, we stuck around for several years, great sex, submissive, she felt lucky to be with me and was a wonderful girlfriend i put her on hold thou, never wanted to fully commit i saw myself as a kid, and even thou this was currently perfect i had no intention to marry at the age of 20.
Than came uni, i moved town, studied electronics. A class of 100, 4 females. The confidence i had enforced by being popular among the girls was lost. I lost the natural dread of having girls throwing themselfs at me, me being the king had made me passive, i spent time drinking beer, having sex, watching sports and eventually my sweetheart and i split up. Or acctually she left me for some other guy, rugby player, energetic. I dont blame her, i had lost it.
After a year of being silly, crying like a baby, realising she was "the one" blaming myself for pushing her away. I once again told myself, man up stop, being a bitch, you had it once you will have it again. I went to clubs, started internet dating, had a flow of casual sexual encounters with various females. I still had it.
I got tired of this, i wanted a LTR again. I let one of my plates stick around, i ditched the rest. It was all good to begin with, then the issues came,
she said i had been emotionally unavailable , i tried to listen more. She said i had been to aggressive when it came to sex, so i stepped down my advances, she said i didnt call my mom enough, so i started calling her. She said i didnt clean the house ( i did, im no sleeze) but never good enough, so i followed her cleaning schedule. She said it was unfair i made more money than her, so we shared economy. She complained that my policial views were to extreme ( she's very leftist) so i kept my views to myself but agreed to hers when it was a topic. It progressed further and further, the cleaning was still not good enough so she started to scream at me. She said i never listened, if i did she wouldnt be angry. She got me to believe that i was this super douche when we met, and i believed in it. I felt guilty to appease her, i allowed myself to become to ultimate blue pill by feeling guilt that i hadnt been this wonderful thougtful loving man when we met... I have now not had sex in over a year.
I got badly depressed, went to therapy, it did help me see clearer. And i have come to the conclusion that i been abused by my girlfriend or atleast pussywhipped against my nature to the degree that i lost the leadership and i have myself to blame for passing the reins to an unfit person.
So askmrp, how do i get out of this situation.
If i leave her, it's going to go nuclear, i can handle it, but i'm fearful that this woman will have problems recovering, and i will be the one blamed for a long time to come.
If i stay i must conquer, im currently gradually recovering from being a total blue pill. -I no longer give in to endless arguments were i try to convince her that i care about her. ( I do, even if my text would suggest otherwise). -I went back to lifting, it has always done me good. -I went back to never asking for permission if i go out drinking. I inform, but never ask. -I got her to stop screaming at me, by firmly informing her that it has no other effect but pissing me of.
The remaining challanges i have is - that i have to forgive her for treating me disrespectful. - i have to forgive myself for letting this happen - i have to balance my emotionel control, frame without being a "psycopath"
But the most difficult question is, should i stay or should i go? I honestly can' identify why i stay or why i wouldnt leave her. Tell me to man up for my woman, or tell me to man up and leave.
Tldr; highschool chad, lost his way in uni, turned total blue pill, awoken at rock bottom. How do i proceed?