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So I guess I need to figure out relationships. They’re a lot harder than they advertise...

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April 3, 2019
9 upvotes

So new account because new to MRP which is my new focus I guess... spun plates successfully for a long time. Got into my 30s and now I have been living with my LTR — of 3 years — for a year now.

Background on my LTR: everything is great. Sex is the best I’ve ever had. She’s normally super receptive, doesn’t fight me for control and accepts the hierarchy of decision making. I haven’t lost control despite handling this poorly, but I just need some education so I can maintain control in the future. I don’t expect any more problems for her, but I don’t want to lack a tool when I need a tool. Anyway...

Hey you salty bastards. I got a question that I really need some help on and I can’t see anything in the sidebar on it. It’s a pretty basic question, so point me in the right direction if you can, or better yet just tell me.

But how the fuck do you enforce boundaries?! I let my LTR move in (stupid, I know) and now ol’ reliable AKA soft next is no longer available.

My girl was under a shit ton of stress since we were visiting her parents and that shit is complicated. I was not able to help her plan the trip because I can’t set her priorities with her friends and family, but would go and meet everyone and charm the shit out of them.

Well, she winds up a fucking mess. Crying, yelling at me, etc. and I know it was over the stress and she’s taking it out on me. I’m no newbie to RP and that shit ain’t cool. All my normal tactics with shit tests and spinning her emotions around failed, making her shit into something absurd failed, teasing her failed, everything I normally do to manage her emotional shit failed. So I nuked and set a boundary. “That is not how you will talk to me. I am your partner and you will talk to me with respect. Yada yada yada and some other shit.” She seemed to accept it, apologized, then simmered down. But then the very next day and for the very same reason, she did it again (over pulling into the wrong parking lot as I drive her ass around in a city I’m unfamiliar with).

Now I get her stress level, I normally handle a lot of the shit she tried to take on and/or I oversee when she does and I’ll drop a veto when needed. But I couldn’t veto her seeing her friends and family whom I’ve never met, and like I said, I don’t know who is important and not and she insisted they all were.

So she apologizes and semi cries (sympathy-bait tears) and explains how she’s feeling stress with everyone texting her and trying to spend time with her and her trying to keep our schedule on. But so what. Boundary crossed.

But then I realized “holy shit. I can’t soft next her and being a silent butt hurt guy around the house sounds pretty beta and faggy.”

So here I am, I’ve forgiven her and moved past it because I don’t have any other choice, my best tool for punishing bad behavior is gone, and switching women has been banned in the US for at least the last 10 years.

Tl;dr Having trouble finding a way to enforce boundaries with live in LTR.

PS someone already told me my nuclear “don’t speak to me that way” was lame. If you have advice on any of it I’m open.


Post Information
Title So I guess I need to figure out relationships. They’re a lot harder than they advertise...
Author AccidentallyShackled
Upvotes 9
Comments 79
Date 03 April 2019 03:12 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/224562
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/b8stud/so_i_guess_i_need_to_figure_out_relationships/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
betalong term relationshipplateshit testsoft nexting
Comments

[–]hack3geRed Beret13 points14 points  (6 children) | Copy

I’m no newbie to RP

Anytime someone says this or starts a post about it I just fucking chuckle.

"It’s a fucking red PILL, not a lollipop. I think you’ve been licking it, not swallowing it." - /u/matrixtospartanatLV

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Even better is when they intro with “I used to be Alpha..”

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -4 points-3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ok. Let’s just assume I’ve swallowed it and haven’t been licking it... what would you say then about my problem?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

He is saying you obviously haven't swallowed and and are fooling yourself. Hypothetically you are a faggot.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -5 points-4 points  (1 child) | Copy

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one then.

[–]BurnedRemains2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good luck growing Mr. Head-Up-His-Boyfriend's-Ass

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your ego...

[–]screechhaterRed Beret11 points12 points  (4 children) | Copy

No kids.

So you can next very quickly. Remember that.

Did you examine how the future MIL is ? Cause that what you are going to get.

On setting boundaries.

Once. “Knock that shit, off now....”. Kiss hug. Drop it.

Twice. Same. Same.

Thrice. “You aren’t listening, I will not be talked to that way .....”.

Fourth. “Enough. Do I make myself clear ?”

Fifth. STFU. She obviously is stuck in it. Your time to decide, what is your value ?

My LTR time is fucking very long. Because of my frane, I ignored everything. Until I hit a wall and literally threatened a separation one day. I had never set boundaries. Then I set them.

Mortified, crushed and on egg shells. It wasn’t good for about 3 months.

Set the boundaries now. Do not deal with anxiety driven horseshit shows.

Own your shit to a “T” always be prepared and know exactly what you want at all times. Women crave strong leadership.

Leadership is also knowing when to set boundaries for hef with her family so she doesn’t fall into a shit show.

All women’s behaviors stem around strong leadership. Just like “anti slut,”I fell on his cock,” it’s petfect to state, “he decided.....” to her family and can easily blame you for saving her from her family and anxiety

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -5 points-4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks! This is a useful response. I hope you don’t mind a few follow ups.

First off, the “kiss hug drop it” thing is new to me — and I know what you mean and how to do that from a position of leadership. I’ll have to think about this. It’s a lot more forgiving than I’m used to. Is there a way to have a tiny tiny reprimand or is this it? I like to escalate my responses but this seems to be a 3 strikes scenario.

I’ll look up owning my shit since I know that’s in the sidebar to make sure I’m on point. I’ll ask a new question about that when I feel a bit more buffed up. No point in wasting anyone’s time.

So, let’s say we get to the point where I STFU and stop responding, would you have a debriefing conversation about her behavior afterwards when the situation was behind you? If so, what would you say? If not, why? Thanks!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

You don't know shit and haven't read anything you lazy fuck. I bet you are fat too. Stop asking stupid fucking questions and get to work.

[–]RPeed3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s only Thursday bro, so he’s probably only one day in.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fucking slacker

[–]0io-Tsundere9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy

The main levers in LTR's are STFU, withdrawing attention, and dread.

You want to reward good behavior. So when she's being sweet and sexy and charming and fun to be around, you want to be spending time having fun and sex with her.

There isn't much you can do to "punish" bad behavior except withdrawing attention. So if she starts becoming a raging bitch and throws a tantrum or argues with your pointlessly, just shut the fuck up and don't take the bait. If she keeps it up leave and go to the gym or do something else that doesn't involve her. (I wouldn't bother much with telling her how she can and can't talk to you. It sounds weak and bitchy.)

Dread is basically taking better care of yourself and doing the things you would do if you were single, so she realizes that if she doesn't work harder to keep you around, there are a million other hotter girls who would gladly treat you better than she does.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

This is what I already do sadly. I was hoping there were more levers. Thanks. Have you ever had to have a direct talk about her behavior? How has that gone for you? I don’t think I handled mine the greatest.

[–]0io-Tsundere3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have told her to stop doing specific things that particularly annoyed me, but that didn't stop her right away although I can't remember her doing any of those things lately. As she falls more into your frame over a matter of months or years most of those bad behaviors should fall away. Remember you generally want to be in a good mood all the time, and if she's crying like a 2 year old you can offer her a little comfort without letting it get under your skin.

Her: "OMG the sky is falling! There is no way we'll survive the night! Everything is impossible."

You: "It will all be OK, try to get some sleep and don't worry about it."

Her: "Boo hoo hoo! Waaah."

You: "It will be OK."

What you don't want to do is act particularly bothered or surprised about it, and you certainly don't want to raise your voice and argue or get emotional.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is good.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Spankings?

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Much more playful. That’s the gold I needed!

[–]PersaeusRed Beret8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

Having trouble finding a way to enforce boundaries with live in LTR.

there is only one way to enforce boundaries. remove your attention. if this is of no value to her, then you have your answer.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

When I remove it, should I keep myself out of the house or is just doing separate activities and not engaging with her it?

[–]NMMNG_13 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

When I remove it, should I keep myself out of the house or is just doing separate activities and not engaging with her it?

Do you seriously want us to believe you've read the sidebar?

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Either will work but leaving is best. Keys to not go Rambo

  • don’t ignore her or hide from her when your home, just don’t seek her out and give her your attention

  • you should already be building a busy life outside and inside your home . You’re not avoiding her as much as you have better things to do then hanging out with loser bitches

Ramp up slow and steady. If you raise the heat slow enough the frog doesn’t know it’s being boiled

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando9 points10 points  (4 children) | Copy

Your user name says it all - Accidentally Shackled. Nothing accidental about it, bro - you made that decision yourself, you're just pathetic enough to not take ownership of it.

So what else are you not telling us?

How fat are you? How bad are your finances? How many hours a day do you spend in pursuit of pointless exercises? What brought you to the point where your girl treats you like shit and you allow her to do so? Have you read the sidebar? Do you even lift? How come - if you aren't new to RP - do you not know what your boundaries are, let alone how to enforce them?

If you come here looking for a magic bullet, the very least you can do is tell us what gun you are holding.

Accidentally shackled, my fucking hole. Go start a new MRP account with the username 'lackofownership' then come back and tell us the full story.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I think you’re the first response! You’re response isn’t quite calibrated well but I appreciate it. I’m new and you don’t know me but I’m a little light hearted. I don’t like being as serious as I know the guys on here posture, but we’ll get I know each other, I’m sure.

nothing accidental about it! You aren’t taking ownership!

Huh.. no sense of humor? You noticed the obvious irony in my name and didn’t realize it was on purpose? How could you not? That’s cool though.

what else are you not telling us?

What? Don’t get it bro. What was it at first I was not telling you?

How much of a loser pathetic fuck face are you?

Not terrible I’d say. No one’s making me an Uber Mensch card or anything but I wake up happy and go to bed happy. And yes, I do lift since I found RP 2 years ago. 🙄

How come you don’t know your boundaries?

I do! Which is why I had to shut my girl down. I got no problems there.

Why don’t you know how to enforce boundaries?

Because enforcing as TRP is easier and different than enforcing in a relationship. I tried to explain that when I said that ol’ faithful the soft next isn’t available... god how I miss withdrawing my presence for a few days!

Looking for a magic bullet? What fun are you holding?

Not looking for a magic bullet! I don’t really got problems bad enough that I need to shoot! This is a very tiny problem compared to most on here. It’s mostly prophylactic.

Also, I don’t know what you mean about my gun... I got a functioning sword if that’s what you’re asking.

Anyhow, I’m new. I get it. But I’m not coming here from some pathetic state. My life is good. I try to nip things in the bud to keep my life good which is what my question is about.

Thanks for answering me though. I think it’s just a bit uncalibrated to my position and personality.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck me - if you talk like this in real life, I'm fucking amazed you get laid at all.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. A lot of guys are confounded by how easily I pull. Some of my friends think it’s magic or that it’s pure looks, but as we know frame is everything. It’s all about passing shit tests and teasing.

[–]Imaginary_Historian0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am sure half the guys on askmrp are faggot poseurs so you got to consider that when reading the responses. Anyway.

You can't soft next but you can withdraw your attention and go off and leave for a few days. I recommend you get a hobby. One that takes you away for days at a time. Fishing, hunting, backpacking, mountaineering, all good. Motorcycling is good too. Or buy a mountain cabin that needs work. You don't tell her where you are going and it works better when your hobbies are out of range of cell towers too.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I am your partner and you will talk to me with respect”

Faggot.

That’s why she has your balls in her purse -you still think she is your partner and both in this together.

She’s not on your team. You aren’t Starsky & Hutch, Sonny & Cher, or in high school musical.

Partner or submissive & well behaved, pick one.

Also, “they are a lot harder than they advertise”

Welcome. Time to wake the fuck up from your blue pill fantasy.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ve been doing this for a long time my friend. We both understand there is a hierarchy in the relationship. I think I said that but maybe not clear enough. I’m not in a blue pill 50/50 fantasy.

So let’s say we have a clear captain/first mate dynamic and she loves that because she’s well behaved and submissive except for this one incident. What would you say then?

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

Your first two paragraphs DEERing about how alpha you still really are expose you as an insecure, LARPing faggot. You really need to read the MRP sidebar, instead of looking for PUA-type tricks to fake it with your girl.

How to build boundaries during your transition

PS someone already told me my nuclear “don’t speak to me that way” was lame.

It's not enforceable, so it's not a real boundary.

If you really considered this a major boundary violation, you would have kicked her out of your car in that wrong parking lot and told her to get an Uber, or gotten one for her and sent her off to her destination in it. But you're a faker with oneitis, so I'm sure that horrifies you.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

Definite upvote. Very helpful, thanks.

So first, I don’t think that I DEER. I’m pretty unapologetic about how I live my life to anyone and so don’t really DEER to anyone, not just her.

I also get boundaries and have no problem with them or enforcing them. Let me rephrase my question since I can tell you put thought in this:

Besides not responding or getting drawn into her bullshit, what other tools do I have? Is there a response above withdrawing attention and below leaving? (Like a soft next is)

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

don't really DEER to anyone

Proceeds to DEER to anonymous internet stranger

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Disagreeing is DEERing?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know, does it involve

Defending Explaining Excusing

Or

Rationalizing?

Yeah I’d say it had all of those things

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

So first, I don’t think that I DEER. I’m pretty unapologetic about how I live my life to anyone and so don’t really DEER to anyone, not just her.

Except to /u/man_in_the_world, as in this very comment ...

But how the fuck do you enforce boundaries?!

I also get boundaries and have no problem with them or enforcing them.

You are so full of shit, OP ... LARP on, faggot.

Besides not responding or getting drawn into her bullshit, what other tools do I have? Is there a response above withdrawing attention and below leaving? (Like a soft next is)

Translation: "Is there a way to enforce this boundary without risking upsetting her or causing her to reconsider the relationship?"

In general, no. It's not a boundary if someone can escape consequences by escalating the violation.

However, the consequences can be limited when the boundary isn't relationship-breaking. For example, both my wife and I have the personal boundary of not being late to important events, and we'll both leave the other behind to make their own way there if the other isn't ready to leave on time. We both accept the other's boundary without butthurt (although feelings were hurt the first few times.)

Regular direct disrespect is ultimately a relationship-ending boundary in my book, though. Enforce it, or be forever betaified.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have never seen anyone deer more about deering.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Everyone has shitty days. Thing is women want you to engage in it with them. They want everyone around them to feel as they do. That way they are validated. What they want to is is what they feel is real.

Well sometimes it is and most times it isn't.

As beta male you're initial reaction is to say fuck yeah a chance for me to get in there and show her how manly I am. I can mix it up in there and engage that shit. Maybe I'll get a blowjob while I am at it. LEEZ DO DIS!!!

An alpha knows differently. There is only so much hearing about jeanine from accounting and her shitty attitude will go. There ain't jack shit anyone can do about it. It doesn't have to be anything if you don't let it. Everything only lasts a day. So sure as an Alpha male showing off his Oak tendencies you may listen to her for a moment. Let her get it out (mind the disrespect). Yet you have to know when enough is enough. She will, if you allow it, go on and on....and on...and on...and on and on and on.

and on.

You've got the solid advice of remove time and attention. Perfect. I am going to go further and say go find something else to do. You can royally fuck it up by just "removing time and attention". Grabbing your keys as most beginning betas do and they GTFO of dodge. Yeah...no. It's your home too don't let her emotions kick you out. This is where you alpha cred comes into play. You have to have something far more life and earth shattering to spend your time on than her emotions, because brother, this train don't stop. If it wasn't jeanine from accounting, it's going to be that creep Carl from IT, or Jackie who won't STFU during the day about her god damn goldfish. Better still it might be Bob who is just so nice and caring that he listens to her during the day at work and makes the day go by so much easier.

Yeah what you want instead of just removing time and attention is to show her through your actions that that stress at work is just that. Stress. It doesn't have to control nor stop her from life and shouldn't be an excuse for being a shitty person while at home. It sure as fuck isn't going to stop you from getting shit done around the house. From smacking her ass, and teasing her.

A woman's default mindset is to put their heads down and hope things get better. Men know that life doesn't work that way. Everything only lasts a day and today is the only thing we can effect. Right now. This moment. That is what you want her to show her. Yeah, shitty day at work. we all have them. Now redirect her. Spring is coming and shouldn't you be outside cleaning the yard and gardens? Who's making dinner tonight? What's the plan for the evening and watching TV better not be it. So yeah she had a shitty day but coming home should be an event. There's always something to do and shit to get done.

We don't give enough credit to the idea of treating women like children. Would you leave your 10 year old daughter to wallow and sulk or would you give her things to do to keep her mind off of her emotional turmoil?

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for this detailed and well considered advice.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Grabbing your keys as most beginning betas do and they GTFO of dodge. Yeah...no. It's your home too don't let her emotions kick you out. This is where you alpha cred comes into play.

We don't give enough credit to the idea of treating women like children. Would you leave your 10 year old daughter to wallow and sulk or would you give her things to do to keep her mind off of her emotional turmoil?

Solid.

[–]ManguZa3 points4 points  (15 children) | Copy

She's stressed, she want you to comfort her. It don't seem like a shit test because it's not really directed at you.

Stay calm, tell her that yelling at you won't solve anything, that you expect her to apologize, BUT that all will be fine, that you understand that it's tough for her, and give her a big hug.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando12 points13 points  (13 children) | Copy

And when you get home, run her a bath, give her a foot massage and tell her you think that you should both take the 5 Love Languages test so that you can both get a deeper understanding of each other.

[–]ManguZa-1 points0 points  (12 children) | Copy

Manicheism in all it's glory. Do you even know the concept of balance?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

Do you even know the concept of balance?

There's no point in having balance without leadership. You can balance all fucking day long, but if you don't lead, she won't respect you.

And you can't have leadership if you don't take ownership. Everything about the OP - including his username - screams deflection. Nothing wrong with having an LTR move in with you if that is what you choose, but he didn't - he "accidentally" let it happen. He forgave her because he doesn't "have any other choice". He doesn't own his decisions and is now left feeling like he's losing control and is looking for a tool to fix it, hence " I don’t want to lack a tool when I need a tool " all so he can "maintain control in the future".

[–]ManguZa-2 points-1 points  (10 children) | Copy

Well you're probably right about that, but about the described situation the best behaviour is nonetheless to show some empathy.

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]ManguZa-1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

It must be so good to have an unique solution for everything... until it didn't work at least.

[–]RStonePT1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]ManguZa0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Glad it work for you, perhaps you could try new things to see if it could be even better with more balance?

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Showing empathy and having empathy are 2 different things.

I can empathize with a mugger and the hard spot he must be in. But he won't get a dime without a fight. And if I lose said fight, best believe I'll have the cops get my money back for me.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

And you may be right about that too but the issue here is not this one situation - it never is. The issue is always something deeper than that which leads to situations like these.

What is the bigger picture here is anyone's guess, but I'm guessing that he's one of those guys who come here looking for a plaster for a papercut on his pinky finger when he hasn't told us that the real problem is that he accidentally amputated his right leg.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

show some empathy.

No! Show more narsasisim, this is where men fuck it up.

Empathy is for your mother.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stay calm, tell her

That you have a dick in your mouth and this is what it sounds like.

[–]Kpwn881 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You so afraid of being called out you have to paint us a pretty little picture filled with rainbows and unicorns?

Go read a book, faggot.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Huh?

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

DARE only works if you exhibit ZERO butt hurt. You obviously took it personally first, that validated her feelz towards you. It's like running from a tiger, the fact you are running makes you look like prey even if you aren't on their menu.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

What’s DARE? Couldn’t find it in the sidebar.

What do you mean I validated her feelz? I don’t think I did, but I’m not 100% sure I understand you. I can tell you that I don’t think I ran from anything though.

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh I was doing that shit all fucking trip. I’m a fogging/AA champ. This was just when it wasn’t working. It was me doing that every day. My new personal favorite is when she starts going I say “HULK SMAAASH.” Cracks me up every time.

Thanks for the link.

[–]Bigboyleggos1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

32, married, kid on the way, 45lbs less fat than I was a year ago but still 20% body fat.

Wifes parents are divorced and remarried Dad/step mom live close to us, I enjoy time with them and they are very suportive.

Mom/step dad are a different story. They constantly pressure her/us to be just like them. Broke, ass backwards in debt, lazy, full of excuses, live in a dirty ass house, drunk and trashy after 9pm nightly. We are constantly told to do less, make life easy for ourselves and to quit trying so hard. They ask questions about our house, jobs & activites then resent us for kicking ass.

First visit she unloaded on me the entire trip. This was before i started making changes, i was fatter, weak frame with her and like you left everything but the driving up to her on this trip. On day 3/6 she woke up to me packing, truck keys in hand. I nervously stated "im heading home, pack or find your own way home" then headed out to my truck. She followed, made a huge emotional show and told me that we were not leaving. my response was "im leaving, are you getting in or staying" her:"i have to pack" me: "leaving at 6am with our without you" she grabbed her shit and we left at 5:59.

We talked all the way home, she couldnt handle the pressure, she was frustrated that they didnt like me.

Visit #2 I made sure we took a break from the family every day, lunch/breakfast/short hike ect. We rented a condo to stay in instead of their filthy house and shortened the trip to 3 days. It went very well despite poking from mom/step dad.

Visit #3 We visited for one day, then went on our own vacation for 4 days. I had this planned s month before. Day one, we have been there for 3 hrs, her mom throws a jab at her, wife responded with laughter, her mom loses her shit, i tell the wife its time to go. We go out to dinner and head back to our condo. The next morning i show her a pic of a beach "were going here today and staying for the rest of the week" wife: "No we cant leave after one day, they will be mad and its rude" me: "ok" smirk. We were at their house for 20 min when wife walks outside, shows me her swim top under her shirt and states "im ready" with a smile.

Wife turned down all invitations to visit the last 2 years.......

If i knew then what I know today i would have bailed after the first trip.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you are telling us this is a one time incident in a vaacum? I have a hard fucking time with that.

If she is attacking you, why? Did you fuck up and deer or run your dick sucker too much? I bet you did. Based on the bullshit you wrote I would be willing to bet you fucked up and didn't even know it. I just don't buy it, some fuckery is certainly afoot.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why is it so hard for you to believe that I have a great life with an otherwise respectful, submissive LTR? No problems that I haven’t been able to AA, fog, or tease away until this.

Also, she didn’t attack me, but snapped at me. Is the reason you have a hard time believing it because you think she attacked me? She just said “NOT THIS PARKING LOT” after complaining about stuff endlessly. She doesn’t get to take her stress out on me.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You probably got that one night of respite from using words instead of actions because you were doing well up to this point.

You have to add O.I. and lack of interaction into your actions.

You let her get away with using you as an emotional tampon and she's going to stuff you up there anytime in the future if she needs.

You have to start demonstrating with action you wont be the punching bag. Start removing your time and interaction.

Actually leave the moment this shit starts up again. If it doesn't stop and this is your house you let her move into...help her apartment hunt. You fuckers aren't married. She'll either get it or not, but no matter how other areas are going this will be an established pattern of her "stress-relief" and then it will infect every other area and in 10 years , when you're back because you've had a few months of a dead bed you'll wonder where you went wrong.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you for your thoughts.

This is exactly what I’m trying l figure out! I’m worried that very rare bad behavior I see now is the regular future in 5 years or however long. So was this foreshadowing or an understandable error? I feel like I should cut her some slack if this happens once a year, but another part of me say once a year today, once a month in the future and once a week after that... What should I do with this data point?

Is saying “do this again and I dip” too harsh? I forgive my own mistakes, so that boundary feels too harsh to enforce if it is a once a year mistake. But saying “if this becomes regular I dip” seems to indefinite to enforce.

So my questions is, what sort of boundary should I set? And what is OI? Thanks again.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stop talking about it. You don't say...you do. OI=outcome independence.

She starts barking, you leave to go to the gym...the store... your friends to hang out. You don't stick around and reinforce the behavior.

You need to read the sidebar material first so you can become familiar with the concepts and terminology. Besides many of your problems and questions are all addressed there.

[–]Redpillbrigade171 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Classic. She’s trying to turn you into her beta. This is hypergamy at work, red pill 101. And it’s particularly apparent when she pulls you in her frame. This is what this is: a trip to her family and her friends is her world. In that world she’s of course a shitty leader, and all she has are basic woman techniques like emotional manipulation, nagging, sex denial etc to turn you in to her beta boy and show you around to her social circles as an obedient provider. Yawn.

The more you struggle the worse it gets.

I’d go with the flow, and not struggle so much. You’re already there so play along. Wolf in sheep clothes. Be more subtle. Do some jiu jitsu. Redirect, do not oppose head on. Act obsequious if you need to, but then when she’s horny and it’s time to give it to her, do it with a vengeance. Make her cum extra hard, make her beg for it, stuff her face in the pillow, grab her ass extra tight, slap till it’s red, remind her who’s the alpha in the relationship.

Then I would limit such trips in the future and slowly pull her back in your frame. Your world, your friends, your goals, your ambitions, your future, your life.

Yes allowing her to move in without some clear rules (like where are you going to bang other women) was a weak move.

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thats nice looking omelette. Also, don't eat paint kids, its bad.

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You don’t stuff your omelette? Wow.

Also, fantastic. All stuff I do already at home. God I miss the soft next. Those really use the hamster to my advantage. Any tips on getting her hamster rolling when she knows I can’t leave her easily? I get what she’s afraid of when I soft next, but what is she afraid of when I withdraw attention? Losing my affection for good?

Got boundaries 201?

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks!

[–]NMMNG_10 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So new account because new to MRP which is my new focus I guess...

You "guess". Interesting.

I got a question that I really need some help on and I can’t see anything in the sidebar on it. It’s a pretty basic question, so point me in the right direction if you can, or better yet just tell me.

Read the sidebar. Stop lying to us and yourself. Stop being a lazy turd and do the work.

This whole thing sounds like a victim puke and I would suspect that there's a lot of shit to be owned that you're leaving out of this post.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Already read it, and not leaving anything else. Not afraid of judgment since I’m pretty happy with my life. It’s a good life, I just want to take stock of my tools. I noticed my soft next was gone and started to panic (metaphorically).

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You couldn’t plan her interaction with her fam ?

You didn’t and wouldn’t. Not couldn’t.

Start there.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Anyone that says “that is not how you talk to me, I am your partner” is so far out of the race, they haven’t even laced up their shoes yet.

[–]AccidentallyShackled[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah. I knew I fucked that up, but I was trapped in a car. I was considering STFU but it seemed butt hurt since it angered me.

What should I have said/done?

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s not about what to say, it’s about why you’re in this situation in the first place.

Time for this one to move out. Tell her it isn’t working out and tell her you want her gone. Obviously she isn’t paying you any rent. You did not choose the woman wisely and your attempts to fix it and make her better will fail because you can’t figure out your frame. You won’t move into a respectful relationship because you aren’t giving her a reason to respect you.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hahaha well bro, I gotta tell you, when my wife rages at me I just agree with her, understanding what she's going through. If it's my fault I apologize and work to solve the problem that moment. I talk her through it and do better.

If it isn't my fault, I let her vent and I am like a stone. My last girlfriend was big on lashing out on me, I never took it personal and I never told her it wasn't okay. I let her throw her fit, in fact it turns me on. I would tell her how beautiful she is when she's angry.

Again, I cooly work to solve the problem, or if there is no problem to solve and she just needs to unload, I let her do that.

Sounds like she has some tough choices to make. When I go home to visit everyone I have time for 5 of my 45 old friends. I am shit and prioritizing them and I have lost half in the last few years.

Fuck it. I made the hard choices when we traveled and we agreed together who to go see, and who was lower on the list. Life is risk and reward. Let the lower quality engagements go, cancel them politely and do what you should do when you can. Don't settle for feelings, do what is right for you and your partner. Don't be hard about it, be logical, and understanding and choose your battles. It's about both of you enjoying yourself but it's her family so make sure to compromise.

If you make hard choices and they turn out shit, accept that openly and strive to do better. Best of luck. She's not disrespecting you when she blows up like that, she was probably raised that way and doesn't understand how child like she's being. You can slowly train it out of her over time or put her in therapy if you aren't up for it.

If she does it a few more times after you have talked about it, she's not a LTR because she cannot change. Whatever catalyst she needs to grow you don't have currently developed in your relationship. Make it happen, or cut her loose.



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