First time dating a manly man and dealing with his "lack" of emotions. Help!

LateralThinker13 · 2019-04-09T16:01:35+00:00

A lot of men express their love through acts of service - sounds like your guy is like this.

My man is like this, and it took me a while to see our emotional bond was very much there, but he expressed it differently. He expresses it by fixing things around the house, making dinner when I’m sick or had a bad day, pouring me a drink when I get home from work. His general philosophy is, why waste too much time talking about how we feel when we can show each other - and make our life together better in the process.

What really helped me realize he was very much in tune with my emotions was when he started offering advice to any problem I was having, rather than condolences or sympathy like I was used to getting. Again - many men express love through actions. They want to fix a problem, not just sympathize with it.

I’m not going to lie, getting tough love advice hurts at first. But when my man is telling me, “You have this issue. Here are your options to fix it. What will you pick?” It shows he cares about me - maybe even more than someone who will just offer empathy. He believes in my ability to tackle issues and wants to see me grow stronger because of it.

Many women don’t respond well to genuine advice, sorry to say. This may be the experience your guy has had in the past - offering advice to women, and they take it as a criticism of character instead of an offering of help. This may be why he offers a simple hug - to avoid conflict. Being willing to at least calmly consider his advice will go a long way to bringing you closer, and you may have to tell him flat out that you are willing to hear his advice if and when he has it. It will be one more way he can help fix things.

And then honestly, some days I just want to talk something out and have someone offer me sympathy. That’s when I have my nights out with the girls.

Theendisnearornot · 2019-04-09T15:46:55+00:00

My husband expresses emotions much differently than I do. It isn’t that he is “shut down” it just looks very different. For instance I may cry because I am frustrated and he cusses up a storm lol. He also doesn’t understand why I would want to spend time wallowing when I could just do something to change the circumstances around me.

A few suggestions coming from this point of view - accept what he can and does give. If you want a girlfriend and someone whose shoulder you can cry on - you need to find some friends with whom you can do that. I call my sister when I’m really annoyed by something my kids are doing. If I call my husband he says “well, give him a time out then!” If I call my sister she will commiserate and tell me how much that sucks and that she totally understands.

When he opens up it is because he trusts you. Men typically don’t go hang out with their guy friends and spill all their emotions all over and work everything out together like we women do. Men tend to open up to one person (their wife/girlfriend whom they really trust). So if/when he opens up make sure to really listen without judgement.

I like to look at it like the whole love languages thing. Just because he is different it doesn’t invalidate what he does. So it means seeing what he does do and accepting that. When I talk to my husband about “emotionally connecting” he looks at me like I have 3 heads. To him he feels connection through sex or me sitting with him on the couch while he plays video games. I used to think “what about me?!”. Instead I reframed it to - I’m the only one that gets to fill this need for him. He doesn’t look to any other woman to sit next to him and just be there. He doesn’t work hard for any other family - just ours. And when he does open up I know I am the only one he does trust enough. When I reframed it - it made all the difference in the world for me.

I also realized I was chasing this emotional, fleeting, thing... like the whole “you complete me”, warm and fuzzy “connection”. But that isn’t what a real, grown up relationship stands on. It stands on knowing that if/when something bad happens I have my man who has my back and I have his. It’s not that I never feel butterflies or get all flustered when I am around him (married for 13 years and I still do sometimes!).

mandoa_sky · 2019-04-09T15:36:18+00:00

honestly. if feeling emotionally connected is important to you and you're not getting that, then you're dating the wrong person.

emotional connection requires the other person to be open about their emotions - usually.

alternatively just realize it's not something you're likely to get from him, which means your source of emotional connection has to come from your friends.

Bored_Schoolgirl · 2019-04-09T15:36:14+00:00

I'm, sorry, can you give an example? It's hard to imagine without context.

On a surface level, maybe you might benefit from expressing these things to a friend instead of him, or using emotional intelligence techniques so you can develop emotional self-reliance.

From his point of view, especially if he's a subscriber to TRP, is that you're constantly "testing" him and if he gives in to your trying to extract emotional responses out of him, you will then lose respect.

If he's not expressing any emotions at all or telling you when you're bugging him, that's a red flag because it lends towards passive agressive behavior. I'd describe my captain as very stoic. Even when stuff hits the fan, he will say something along the lines of "This is really annoying/frustrating/stupid/etc." and that's the most negative emotion I'll get, but by sharing them instead of having an emotional reaction, I know where he's at. Is this happening with you or is it nothing at all?

Neuroentropic_Force · 2019-04-09T15:51:32+00:00

One question you might want to ask is, why do you need this sort of feedback from him? What exactly about this is not meeting your needs? What exactly are your needs? And more importantly, why?

IMO, emotional connected-ness, is a deeply shared bond, forged by mutual respect, love, and shared experiences of both joy and suffering. Not simply validating or mirroring your partners emotions.

It's one thing if he is callous, as if he's suggesting your emotions aren't valid, but it's another if he just doesn't share them. Why should he? They aren't his emotions. How can he feel/validate something he doesn't genuinely experience? Would you want him to pretend?

That void you feel. That's something really important. And guess what. It doesn't have a damn thing to do with your SO. You need to dig there and figure out what's going on beneath the surface and identify what's going wrong on your end.

When you have a better understanding of your needs, chances are you will have a better understanding of how to approach your SO about them and see if you can work out an understanding that accommodates both of your temperaments and emotional bearings.

Edit: I'm also not saying that your SO doesn't have any issues. There certainly is a point where stoicism in excess can lead to repressed emotions/unprocessed feelings. But in this situation it doesn't sound like that's really the issue.

est-la-lune · 2019-04-09T17:36:04+00:00

You're used to a certain level or type of emotional engagement from your partner.

You said that he doesn't want to express his emotions because he doesn't want to feel vulnerable and hurt. Besides showing him that you can be vulnerable around him, how have you responded when he's been vulnerable around you?

I think that getting emotional support from your S.O. is important. But it sounds like you have a guy who's so uncomfortable with his own emotions that he's not willing or able to do that for you. My suggestion is that to foster a stronger emotional connection with him you may want to approach the problem from another angle, e.g. finding ways to make him feel comfortable with being vulnerable.

VRWARNING · 2019-04-09T19:18:11+00:00

Lack of emotion, or lack of emotional expression?

P4nd3x · 2019-04-09T22:21:07+00:00

Hi OP, I thought I’d share my two cents as one of those strong men who don’t show emotions.

I was one of them, and recently discovered that it had a lot to do with my ego. I would put up barriers in getting too attached because I feared dependence and long term commitment. I feared falling too deep in love. This might be where he’s at too.

Having said that, it took a huge toll on my gf’s emotions and stability, to the point where she had enough and broke up with me. It was only then that I started working on my ego and shadow and discovered the above.

It’s only when he’s willing to set aside his ego and go all in like you will that you’ll be fulfilled, but he has to be willing to reach that point alone.

Any questions, feel free to reach out. As it’s something I’m currently going through x

LateralThinker13 · 2019-04-10T14:18:39+00:00

I don't know why I'm so focused on this.

You have been trained, like most western women, to view men like women with penises. The are not.

this has created a dynamic of me looking for something from him he can't/won't do and then me feeling disappointed in him and him feeling bad because he can't/won't do it, etc.

And you know this isn't rational, right? It's a covert contract and you're punishing him and threatening your relationship over it.

I'm not going to try to get something for me by manipulating him or crying or whatever (yes, I sound like a child).

On the plus side, you realize that what you are doing is wrong. But do you realize why?

He is super logical and also has told me that he "shut down" expressing all feelings because he wanted to avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt.

You're trying to force him to trust you and open up. This, by definition, can't work.

Male partners aren't there to be your best friend. Usually they aren't. And most men aren't geared to listen to the way women vomit their emotions onto their confidantes. Men aren't wired to do it, receive it, or care. That isn't to say that men currently aren't TRAINED to interact this way, but it isn't natural to most of them.

You have a man for whom this isn't something he can/will do.

Is feeling emotionally connected just something that exists in novels?

Mostly. Sometimes if your personality types are close enough, he'l be like this. But the majority of men aren't.

Is this a problem I'm just creating?

Yes.

So my advice? Get some female friends to do this with.

LadySylwia · 2019-04-09T17:30:05+00:00

It's up to you to know yourself and what you value the most. (And to realize that your reproductive cycle will confuse you by making you value different qualities at different times.) You can love and admire a man for who he is and still realize that the course he is charting isn't the one you want to sail.

From what I can tell, the women who have successful marriages with these types of men are usually very family-oriented (they really want a stable partner to enable them to have lots of kids) and/or have a strong emotional support network of mother/sisters/cousins/friends, with those relationships taking greater precedence. They have so many emotional connections with other people that they don't look to their husband to fill this need.

That's just one mode of living, though - I'm a hardcore introvert and for me it's "emotional connection with a man or not at all".

padpump · 2019-04-10T08:44:33+00:00

Okay you are mixing two terms. Three actually.

Emotions
Feeling
Connection

Since everything is connected anyways you don’t need to worry that you two aren’t connected. That was the easy part.

Emotions are what sets you - yes you! - in motion. Kind of like alarm 🚨 bells. Emotions would be essentially fear, anger, disgust and also excitement. All of those are an incentive for you to move about in certain ways.

Emotions can be contagious - that’s where mass panics come from. Not pretty.

Feeling is a sensation. You can feel touch, feel your legs, body etc. Essentially it’s sensory input. There’s a certain kind of feeling that’s your overall well-being or feeling at peace and connected feeling. I dare you to examine what you are actually feeling connected to. :o)

So when you feel something is “off”. That’s just it. It doesn’t feel “right”. What “women” do is talk through it until you have peace of mind. But that may not actually change the actual feeling of being at peace. It’s just justifying it using words.

What “men” do is work around that feeling. Which may actually just treat the symptoms and not the root cause.

Not sure where to go with that now.

Well you have a connection and you can feel that connection. Or lack there of. That’s the void you described. It is inside you. Filling it is possible. The question is what do you want to fill it with. And where will you get that from?

It could be love, peace, harmony, joy. Can you “produce” them yourself? Can anybody else?

You can’t will them into place. They are either there or blocked by something or someone.

There’s a spiritual practice that can easily help you to fill that void. I know that void and after three years of practicing OpenHeart meditation I finally got a “grip” on it by letting go.

Hoarder-of-Knowledge · 2019-04-11T14:29:52+00:00

I am dealing with a similar situation, and therefore would like to chip in. I agree with the point of acts of service being his likely way of expressing his love for you. you know that he wants to help you when you're upset, so i think it makes sense to just sit around the table and brainstorm how he can best help you when you are upset. he's bad at saying what you need to hear? consider the option of only physical non-verbal reassurance, or discuss potential ways to phrase it better, explain him why "stop feeling X" is not helpful ( e.g. it's telling you what not to do instead of a positive line of action and phrased as an order rather than a suggestion). conversations like this help to find a helpful middle ground in which he can support you without crossing his own boundaries by telling you things he doesn't believe himself or something like that.

however, given the fact that you describe him as logical and someone who shuts down or even lacks emotions i still have one final question. How good are you at reading his emotions? how many different ones can you recognise?

the reason i'm asking this is because i've found that while women often complain that guys don't understand their emotions, women are often unable to understand the more rational emotional wiring of these guys as well. for example, I know my boyfriend for three years, but the emotions I can identify on his face are still fairly limited: normal/focused, excited, satisfied, horny, tired, frustrated and a little sad(?). i might be forgetting one or two but my point is that it's a pretty crude and limited system. by thinking about this you can become more mindful of the fact that it is difficult to understand one another and that's a problem you both have rather than blaming a guy for not understanding you.

goldensurrender · 2019-04-11T20:18:14+00:00

How long have you two been together? I think that's important. If you two are in the first few months still and you are feeling this way he maybe just hasn't fully committed yet, and not fully opened himself up to you emotionally. Maybe he's not ready, or is having reservations. Have you two both fully expressed loving commitment to each other?

maljo24 · 2019-04-09T17:50:23+00:00

Next.

Fridgemagnetman · 2019-04-09T18:48:13+00:00

Maybe he will open up with time but don't bank on it. you need to decide if he's the man for you, if he is then accept who he is and look elsewhere for emotial support

sn0wflaker · 2019-04-09T23:32:42+00:00

I am both emotional and analytical and have found myself dating men who do not have the same emotions as me, but have the analytical aspect in common with me. To make things easier for a manly man to understand, I've always explained that emotions are fact and should be treated as such. They all come from a deeper tangible problem that needs a resolution. I always repeat this mantra in case I have a complex emotion I can't exactly put into words at the moment, and it will at least give him something to grip onto while you figure it out.

When the emotion passes, you can explain yourself to him and hopefully he will see there was an actual problem that needed correction or attention, and that it wasn't just a flurry of random emotions like he might assume.

I think you sound very sweet and I appreciate that you are wary of forcing emotion from him. I can see that you care. I also think that your self reflection is amazing so keep up the good work.

sonder_one · 2019-04-09T17:05:59+00:00

Men are not women. You can have one or the other, but if you want both you're going to need to try polygamy.

Or, you could have friends that meet the needs that your boyfriend doesn't and stop expecting a unicorn.

collectijism · 2019-04-09T17:10:10+00:00

Ugh your supposed to have girlfriends for a reason. You want your big burly man to fix the brakes and give you make up tips and emotional advice. Also where have all the super men gone? Honestly think of what he wishes you had but doesn't? I bet he wishes ALOT of things you don't have many things that previous women he dated had. Does he expect you to have all those things? No. Because men aren't entitled enough to demand a women be perfect in every way imaginable. We are logical and practical we side with compromise and reality. You could benefit from some. Rather than think about what your man doesn't have and previous bfs did have. Think of why you werent attracted to the previous bfs? And why you are attracted to this one.

spacebeerpickles · 2019-04-09T20:00:42+00:00

It's typically unhealthy for someone to shut off emotions like that. It's a trauma coping mechanism that I wouldn't necessarily relate back to being a specifically masculine trait. There's a difference between being stoic and being emotionally damaged. You might want to gently explore where that line is for him and determine what approach to take from there. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need and also to ask him what he needs from you concerning both your support given to him and what he needs from your reaction to the support he gives you, if that makes sny sense.

Read the 5 Love Languages book. You might be showing each other love and care but it's not necessarily translating back and forth between you. I would try that first.

Also, not exactly your situation necessarily but some people have different amounts of energy that they naturally give to things. My husband has a difficult time getting excited or enthused about... anything. I really struggled with this for a while!! If it's something big and exciting he focuses too much on the planning aspect. This is a big part of what he sees in me. I get super pumped about a lot of things and he enjoys seeing my enjoyment. We're both experiencing the same situation, just enjoying it through different lenses. You may find there is a similar element of compatibility and complimentary emotional energy with your issue. It's not always everyone contributing equally to every part of the relationship - just make sure you are truly getting what you need out of it - that's the important distinction.

Title	First time dating a manly man and dealing with his "lack" of emotions. Help!
Author	repressedspinster
Upvotes	57
Comments	59
Date	April 9, 2019 3:30 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bb9b41/first_time_dating_a_manly_man_and_dealing_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/first-time-dating-a-manly-man-and-dealing-with-his.224846 https://theredarchive.com/post/224846