How to begin leading your kid away from wife’s negative influence?

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April 19, 2019
13 upvotes

Sorry if this double posts. It wasn't showing up for me.

Found MRP about 2-3 months ago. 5-10”: 230lb. Lifts: Girl level. Sidebar: Completed-NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, MAP. Currently 75% through TRM.

I was drunk captain for 10 years, wife didn’t really take over so basically nobody was captaining for a long time. I expect her to push back on any changes that directly affect her, but I don’t envision a big battle where I have to re-assume command. Could be wrong on that.

I’ve known this day was coming for years and it’s here now. Wife’s negative traits are rubbing off on oldest daughter (11) and I have to now find a way to counteract it to avoid my daughter ending up a clone of the emotional wreck that is my wife. Wife has turned into a super negative pessimist who snaps at any kind of adversity. Yes. I know whose fault this is. Daughter’s hormones are starting to kick in and she’s having outbursts and parroting wife’s negative and defeating self-talk about how she can’t do this, can’t do that. Doesn’t know how to do this, doesn’t know how to do that, etc, etc.

So basically, I now need to hold my daughter to a higher standard than my wife does with self-esteem and handling negative thoughts and I’m not sure how to go about it. I can STFU and ignore/deal with my wife over the span of months but I need to do something now with my daughter because it’s getting bad and she’s starting middle school in the fall. I fear that the sharks will smell blood in the water if she rolls up to middle school and kids she doesn’t know with poor self-esteem and a loser mentality. Book recommendations welcomed.


Post Information
Title How to begin leading your kid away from wife’s negative influence?
Author Iseeitnow7
Upvotes 13
Comments 20
Date 19 April 2019 03:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/235539
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bf0qyf/how_to_begin_leading_your_kid_away_from_wifes/
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MAPWISNIFGNMMNG
Comments

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wife’s My negative traits are rubbing off on oldest daughter (11) and I have to now find a way to counteract it to avoid my daughter ending up a clone of the emotional wreck that is my wife myself.

This post is all about you not your wife. You do seem to understand this on some level from your post which is good.

You are 5-10" and 230lbs. From that, I know that your wife is fat and your daughter is fat. Why? Because that is the environment you have created.

You can be the example here. Kids are observant and very smart. If dad suddenly gets his shit together and mom is always a wreck. Who do you think she is going to follow?

Your wife may never come along as we always like to point out here, but if you were her, would you want a fat drunk loser as a husband or the fit fun dude that has his shit together? It really isn't much of a choice for her really. Plus, she will realize that she needs to keep up, will cut her shit, get fit, and follow along.

Do you want to know where this all starts and stops? You. Is MRP going to be that thing you tried once for a couple of months, but couldn't follow through? Or, is this when you were essentially given a lifeline to build the life you always wanted? I know what it was for me.

[–]hystericalbonding9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

  • stop drinking

  • start lifting more than 45 pounds

  • engage your daughter - Do things together, without your wife. Listen to her. Figure out how much of it is driven by the immediacy and addiction of screens or other crutches.

  • Lead by example, not with words.

  • Kids low self esteem is usually heavily influenced by parents, plural. In other words, stop blaming your wife and making value judgments of her or the kid. WISNIFG - you are your own judge. Teach your daughter to be her own judge. There are books and tools to teach assertiveness, built identity capital, and self esteem for kids.

If you are incapable of all this, then get the kid into individual counseling. If you have PTSD or other lingering issues, then get some counseling for yourself, too.

[–]Iseeitnow7[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. She spends way more time with Mom than me. I only see her about 2 hrs a day during the week. I think at this point, she is just mimicking mom's response to things she doesn't like because it's the only example she's been exposed to. I've got plenty of negative qualities, but I have not modeled these behaviors.

[–]Dialerstring1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need to model good behaviors and spend more time with your daughter. For example if she likes ice cream, spend and entire day trying ice cream local your city. Also positive reinforcement is a must and for fuck’s sake get involved with school to include having lunches with her, field trips etc... I will randomly send my daughter flowers during the school year with a card that says “I’m proud of you.” Spend time and when you think it’s enough spend more time. Set the example bc if you don’t another Cat and her mom will. Also don’t talk negative about the Mom to her to her. I have a daughter that 11

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lead your daughter away from your wife's negative influence by leading your wife out the door.

If your vagina precludes you from doing this, then become the man who will lead your wife to the promised land all by your manly self.

If you are actually asking how to lead your wife, look here: sidebar --->

Edit: So all the females in your household have poor self-esteem, emotional wreckage, and a loser mentality, huh? Must be something in the air.

[–]helaughsinhidden14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

JUST DREAD MY FRIEND.

Just saw a post today from a woman who suddenly realized that, in her own words, "I realized that I have absolutely nothing to offer men". Maybe the wall has hit her? Maybe she's growing up? Maybe she's finally her maximum N count and is "ready to settle down"? The dread is settling in, so she's self reflecting. As long as you are the problem, no woman will ever look at her own actions or feel like she is to blame for anything. Captain your ship and put her on a 1000ft rope. Your daughter is WAY smarter than you think, they know who is the problem, who is owning their shit, how much is expected of them, and how much they actually have to do.

FOG IN THE MOMENT

Obviously, she has "learned" what kind of behavior gets her out of having to do anything that involves a struggle. Stop doing it for her and tell your wife to stop too. Stop doing things for you wife too. Don't monologue either, just ignore her words and walk away. My wife does this stuff too and while I used to jump into action to either correct her or to do it myself. That always lead to her trying to prove how I was wrong and how her complaints were valid. She'd spend double the time and energy arguing that the task required and it still wouldn't get done. Now, I just act like she is venting before she jumps on top of it. Guess what, I leave and come back and it's done most of the time.

AMUSED MASTERY WORKS GREAT TOO

Wife "I hate cleaning this dang house, it's always a mess and no one helps out, I quit"

Me "Well, can you put an ad on Craigslist for your replacement before you leave at least? Make sure she can swallow an avocado whole and is able to carve her initials into a tree with just her tongue, thanks babe."

Daughter "I am not doing the dishes, I always have to do it, it's not fair..."

Dad rushes to her staring at her hands and in a very concerned tone says "WHAT happened to your hands?! *she looks at them trying to find a scratch but finds nothing* "They aren't broken then? .... Ok, well hurry up and get those dishes done then!" said with a grin on your face.

AGREE AND AMPLIFY

Or pick on her excuse "Your right! It is NOT fair!! We need to get action on this immediately. *turn to the wife* Jane, I want you to get Donald Trump on the phone immediately, our daughter only has to do the dishes, what kind of racket is this? I have to go to high school, college, get an entry level job, work my way up, kick ass, take names, get promoted, make all the money, pay bills, buy food, cook it, serve it, and ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS EAT IT AND CLEAN A PLATE!?" ***it's important to laugh, otherwise you are being a dick***

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE DAUGHTER AS MUCH

You need mostly to show her that you are a man who is able to keep from being butt hurt, gets his stuff done without being told to do it, and absolutely never takes lame excuses or pessimism seriously from mom or from her. When she learns it doesn't work, it will stop. REPEAT, WHEN SHE LEARNS IT DOESN'T WORK, IT WILL STOP.

ENFORCE BOUNDARIES

Standards mean nothing if you aren't doing it too, just being honest. You can't really make her do anything either if she doesn't respect you. You can make life uncomfortable though. She got a phone? Laptop? Tablet? Smart TV? Anything that needs internet? Get a WIFI router with parental controls that lets you turn specific devices off on command. Lock her devices from the web until the chores are done or let her know if they aren't done on time, she loses them for the next day or two. I take it a step further and installed SAFE KIDS by KASPERSKY which allows me to not only disable the phone and limit internet activity, but I can turn off specific APPS effectively turning my kid's phone into JUST A PHONE WITH TEXT AND GPS TRACKING. No friend chatting, insta, snapchat, facebook, etc.

[–]Iseeitnow7[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. I was hoping for this kind of response. Didn't want to have to tell my daughter that her mother is acting like a bitch and a loser and to not emulate her mother. My kids don't have devices yet, but I appreciate the tech tips. I'll be needing that soon.

[–]HerukaArisen2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

> Didn't want to have to tell my daughter that her mother is acting like a bitch and a loser and to not emulate her mother.

OP, you seem to me like a guy who is genuinely seeking for advice. I give you credit for that. What you need to understand is that this is not about your wife. Never was, never will be. The problem is that YOU are acting like a bitch and a loser and setting a bad example for your child. The good thing about this is that this problem really can be fixed. It can also be fixed relatively fast, as long as you start fixing the real problem: your own thinking and the conduct it leads to.

[–]RStonePT5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]hystericalbonding4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just ignore it.

Girls with Daddy issues are the best fucks.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Try just being an old fashioned dad to her. Take your daughter out with you. Play with her, fix shit with her. Her confidence will grow if she knows that you value her.

This isn’t red pill, this is just parenting.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

oldest daughter (11)

the time when your daughter will follow any lead is almost over. lead yourself first, then your wife . . . your daughter might start following when she turns 19-20

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I hope this is just a blanket statement.

My daughter has been raised by a strong masculine male her whole life. As she comes into her body she looks to me more and more and her mom less and less.

I doubt an arbitrary age changes that.

Guess I will know in a few years.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I hope this is just a blanket statement.

it's not

I doubt an arbitrary age changes that.

it will. it's not arbitrary though. it depends on the kid; and to a lesser albeit still significant level the parent(s)

the relationship will change a lot as she moves into her teen years and then again more slowly as she transitions to an adult. this is not to say she's going to turn into a raging cunt-monster but you will be removed from your pedestal.

Guess I will know in a few years.

you will indeed

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was it really necessary to make me sad before 10am on a beautiful Sat morning?

Hurt my feefee’s man.

Lol

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

No one in your household views you as a leader by the way. Sadly, you woke up from your slumber at the time when you are already losing influence with her. The time for you to develop a trusting relationship where she can actively seek your counsel is out the window. Add to that, you’ve been modeling a terrible relationship for her to use as a blueprint for her own life.

Your only option is to develop a frame and actually use it. Your relationship w/ your STBX is done. But there might be hope for you to build your daughters respect for you. You’ll need that through the divorce process.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Burn the Love Languages book and get on over to Own Your Shit.

What is really needed is lifting, leading, frame and of course a mission.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. I know whose fault this is. Daughter’s hormones are starting to kick in and she’s having outbursts and parroting wife’s negative and defeating self-talk about how she can’t do this, can’t do that. Doesn’t know how to do this, doesn’t know how to do that, etc, etc.

It's might be too late for this, but you could start teaching her some stoicism.



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