Realize that no one likes/cares about you unless you provide some kind of social-value? How to improve personality without supplicating/being something I'm not?

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April 21, 2019
176 upvotes

Had very few friends my entire life, and noticed that all the friends I did have were just weird/social outcast types. I want quality people in my life now but I don't want to be supplicating/pandering to what others like, because no one likes a faker/kiss-ass. In the past I was used by the "friends" I had, and would pay for everything, drinks/gas and all that, it was terrible the only reason they were around me was to use me for my money. But then everyone else never seemed to have to be used by anyone? people just wanted to be around them, just cause? This is what I want to understand, why do people just attract people and want to hang around them like that? Seems like the only reason people were around me was to use me for rides/money? I've known several people that didn't need to buy things in order for people to want to be around them... what makes people want to be around those types? I want to understand what I am doing wrong. Whenever I try to be fun/exciting it just comes off as try-hard, and therefore very needy, desperate, and clingy.

The problem I have is a super serious/boring/bland personality. I'm not the type to be super talkative/expressive and all that jazz. Loud and outgoing. Basically all the things you need to attract people to be your friend and want to be around you/invite you places. Seems like I was always the one to have initiate and invite people places, never the other way around. Because I don't have high social value I don't go out much either. The only ones that would hang with me were serious/boring types like myself, like attracts like I suppose. I am just generally not a lot of fun to be around, because I don't talk and when I do it's not really fun or exciting. This is a real problem because I want friends and clearly I am doing something wrong here.

I know BP advice is "just be yourself, the right ones will come" but this has gotten me nowhere. Clearly my personality isn't the type that attracts people. Now, I don't want to change and be something I am not. But I don't want to continue being weird, odd, different, quiet. I also don't want to be the type who FAKES who he is just to make friends. You basically just become a dancing monkey at that point and you are living in their frame. How do you find a balance here? Between being who you are, but also being the type that people want to be around? I want friends but I don't want to be something I am not or be used?. I need some sort of value, but I don't have that, either personality or materialistically.


Post Information
Title Realize that no one likes/cares about you unless you provide some kind of social-value? How to improve personality without supplicating/being something I'm not?
Author resnine
Upvotes 176
Comments 74
Date 21 April 2019 09:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/235661
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bfu6fj/realize_that_no_one_likescares_about_you_unless/
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Comments

[–]StopGaming123496 points97 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have been in your position for several years. I broke down one summer like 6 years ago. Everyone did awesome things on perfect weather days and I was sitting at home every single day stuck on my computer because I had no one.

That's when I decided it was time to change. I started doing all the things that I feared and was socially scared of. I actively initiated talks with strangers. From that point I also never said "No" to any social event if I ever came across one.

Keep in mind the start was a hardcore grind as I knew literally NO ONE and I went to the trashiest social events with like people who drink so much that they pass out every single weekend. I took what I got, gotta start somewhere right?

From that point it only went uphill. The amount of social networking you can do increases exponentially. People know people and those people know other people. You pick out the right ones and decide who you wanna hang out with in the future.

The hardest part was just getting myself out there and actively presenting myself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I remember those days, damn. I used to be shy, unconfident with no friends and only first tasted alcohol at 20 because I had no parties or events to go to. The alcohol itself was a beer at a Christmas works party.

No GF either.

After attending a confidence boosting class which was found for me (which kinda helped), i went to more subtle Shyness events and met people from there.

That was three years ago when I first started socialising. Now I can attend parties, clubs, bars and other events confidently and my Whatsapp screen now scrolls down 😋

[–]Rkingpin67 points68 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lift. Strong body commands respect

Develop social awareness even if it hurts. Put yourself out there, even if it means going out solo

Become excellent in your field and network with others who share similar goals

[–]forsaken_in_the_dark26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh and when you put yourself out there, make sure you look good. Get into fashion, how to care about your skin, get a good haircut and so on. With good body you'll command respect, but if you body is in premium looking package you'll command even more.

[–]Casd1295 points96 points  (5 children) | Copy

You don't want to change because you don't want to be something you're not?

That type of thinking is ironically the most blue pill concept ever. What it does is it puts you in a mental box preventing you to become who you want to be but also preventing you from being unplugged and taking the red pill. How does society reinforce that mental box? By shaming. They do so by stating you're cringy or fake when one starts to step out of their mental box. Because it's new to the person, they might not know how to act and thus comes off a weird or autistic, cringy, creepy. These are all methods the BP world will use to hold you back. Also using your own logic of "I don't want to pretend to be someone that I'm not" then why do people hit the gym? Why embrace that change?

So please, go be someone that you're not, eventually you'll grow into it. Experience will back you up.

[–][deleted] 50 points51 points  (1 child) | Copy

"Sometimes the worst thing you can tell a man is to 'simply be yourself'" - Mark Twain

[–]resnine[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

Deep level Twain.

[–]tkavalanche246 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wonderful 👏👏👏

[–]IndianaBW7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

To play devils advocate, I've seen this gone horribly wrong. People try to bust into some new shell spontaneously and end up looking.. very confused or lost.

I think everything in moderation, great to bust out of your shell but to preach for somebody to try and live some phony weird new life that reeks of identity issues isn't the best advice.

[–]resnine[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's another thing, how does one even fix identity issues? Fake it till you make it makes no sense, because identity is something you are born with? kinda? sorta? Identity is a strange beast indeed. I don't think many people understand what it actually is, if it is a thing at all. In fact, what is actually surprising is how different everyone is, and what causes that difference. Like, is it nature or nurture, did you create an identity or was it something you were born with. It's kind of a startling thought. Do we create our personality or does our personality come biologically hardwired into us. Really makes you wonder about freewill because we didn't choose this personality, it happened biologically.

[–]zeekt1217 points18 points  (20 children) | Copy

Become charming and learn to have a magnetic personality. Also maximize your dopamine levels by quitting porn and masturbating, this will make you more engaged in conversations as it becomes one of your only forms of stimulus.

Check out Charism on Command on YouTube, he analyzes celebrities with charming personalities and gives you tips.

[–]showerdudes9 1 points [recovered]  (19 children) | Copy

This should be much more upvoted. Maximizing dopamine is key for socializing, you need those receptors to rewire from wanting to seek out instant gratification such as video games and porn/masturbation to socializing with people, that way you automatically become charismatic and happy, outgoing when you're socializing with people. When your brain is taught that there's much more "fun" things to do (watching porn, playing videogames, fapping, taking drugs), you'll always have a serious and bored mindset socializing with others.

[–]zeekt122 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah man, when your dopamine levels are maximized and rewired, you find greater appreciation in everything, especially socially, which will naturally make you more engaged and make people feel like you actually care and are genuine when you speak with them.

Similar to when you are a child and everything interests you

[–]zeekt122 points3 points  (17 children) | Copy

It also makes you more present and aware, so you can see every nuanced expression when youre talking to someone, which allows you to tailor what you say to how theyre feeling.

It really helps with your social intelligence and dominance

[–]showerdudes9 1 points [recovered]  (16 children) | Copy

For sure. I can only assume youre coming from a past of heavy videogaming and porn usage? I do and thats why i know the difference is so incredibly strong and just how important it is to rewire your brain and abstain from those things

[–]zeekt121 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy

Ye brah, from 15-20 (23 now) i was addicted to porn and gaming.

Its made a substantial change in my life

[–]showerdudes9 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Mine was more severe. From 15-31. Im 34 now. Im glad youngsters find their way out of that shithole earlier so they dont ruin and waste their 20s like me

[–]zeekt120 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Better late than never bro! Still got a lot to live and enjoy

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

Are you on NoFap? or some type of dopamine restrictition program?

[–]zeekt122 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, nofap has definitely made the biggest change.

But other lifestyle changes: - intermittent fasting - lowering body fat to maximize testosterone levels - focusing on micronutrients (taking a multi, vitamin D, fish oil) - lifting religiously - not consuming sugar in excess - 7+ hours of sleep a night

[–]showerdudes9 1 points [recovered]  (10 children) | Copy

Im personally going on a vipassana 10 day which is a complete dopamine heal of the brain. You are not allowed to talk for 10 days, no electronics. Meditate 8 hours per day. A bit extreme for most and most people dont have discipline for it but its like the best thing ever for your brain. Nothing will make you as calm, confident and grounded afterwards

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

I couldn't find it free. Link please?

[–]showerdudes9 1 points [recovered]  (8 children) | Copy

It depends on country you live in. Where do you live?

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Is this it? https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/locations/directory

Is it like a retreat I go to?

[–]Orfeu_da_Conceicao17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

First develop frame. Don't placate to people's wishes. This is how you convey abundance, dignity and self-worth. Get rid of the victim mentality. Become the best version of yourself. Read the sidebar and learn social circle game. It's a slow process so remember that you're a work in progress and the small things will lead to big things. How to Win Friends & Influence People Will teach you the rest. You have to have a genuine interest in other people's lives or else it won't work.

[–]TheRedPillRipper13 points14 points  (10 children) | Copy

what makes people want to be around those types?

Others are attracted to me because I'm interesting. I have interesting hobbies and lead an interesting life. What else interests me? Other humans. Their stories and who they are. Your biggest assets is your time; and your attention. I'm genuinely interested in others which often leads to genuine reciprocation.

I need some sort of value, but I don't have that

This mentality is the issue u/resnine. Value is subjective. If you want to be valued; you have to value yourself enough for others to see it; and be attracted to it. People are wary to walk all over someone who hold's himself in high esteem.

I don't want to change and be something I am not

Change is not only inevitable; it's necessary; for growth. Everyone I know who's successful; are always aiming to grow.

How do you find a balance here? Between being who you are, but also being the type that people want to be around?

Being who you are is fluid. You're not who are yesterday; nor are you the person you'll be tomorrow. What do you do with your free time u/resnine? What hobbies, passions or interests excite you? Your passions are shared. Find those who share them. Have none? Try until you find something you genuinely enjoy. Then share it with others.

Godspeed and good luck!

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K182 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great reply.

It is really starts with fully accepting and valuing yourself. Lots of people want to skip that part, and go straight for social validation.

In Red Pill terminology, that is Beta as fuck. It takes a while to find full self acceptance and self esteem. It's a combination of a lot of stuff. The number one, is that you become totally self sufficient. In all areas...emotionally, psychologically, purpose, physically (exercise) etc. You take care of your needs, and don't rely on anyone.

You'll swing backwards sometimes, but a guy with a healthy 'Alpha' mindset makes it his responsibility to grow.

This self reliance and self realisation leads to a true outcome independence, a true IDGAF and true abundance feeling, that you can take into social setting.

It allows you to have a different social presence. The irony is, the more you're trying to win others over, offer them value, want validation...the less of it you receive.

Start with you...figure out your goals, your interests, your passions, hobbies. Make an effort to pursue them. I love my exercise, love some alone time...but one of my biggest passions is spirituality. I was in monk mode at the end of last year, because I was focusing on getting into the industry I want and starting my mission...

Once I get my first pay, I'll join a yoga class, this awesome spiritual center that's close by and does crazy meditations and such, and probably attend a Reikie class.

Those are places I can start conversations...have total outcome independence...and coffee. Boom, I have a larger circle.

But it all starts with you. As RedPillRipper says about himself, I have a uniqueness. Many have said I have an 'essence'. That shit doesn't show, though, when I'm seeking validation and insecure how others might see me.

I now have a rather large IDGAF attitude.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

If you want to be valued; you have to value yourself enough for others to see it; and be attracted to it.

Be attracted to myself and my own value?

[–]TheRedPillRipper2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Internal validation is superior to external validation. No one should value you; more than yourself.

Imagine you have a broken iPhone. Yes; you pay someone to fix it. Yet; if you teach yourself to fix it; which do you benefits you more? People may pay you to fix their iPhone. That however is nowhere near as valuable to you as being able to fix your own.

People aren't attracted to you; their attracted to their perception of your value. Building up and internalizing your own value will only attract more people to you.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Ok, I see your point. Where/how do I build value? I am liftingand starting to see some gains. But there appears to be this massive disconnect when I ask people how to gain value? Especially internal value? How do I begin to see myself as valuable? I've had a shit-ton of negative reinforcement telling me I ain't shit. And to be perfectly honest, it's generally because I take shit a lot harder than most people for some reason. May be a highly-sensitive person so when someone insults me it cuts in like a knife, whereas if that same thing was said to someone else it wouldn't bother them.

[–]TheRedPillRipper1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

how to gain value? Especially internal value?

Here's the key; internal value is ANYTHING YOU VALUE.

For example I valued playing rugby. Religiously. Anytime I was involved, asked or played, it was genuine. Yet I also enjoyed studying genetics. Passionately. Anytime I was involved with anything to do with physiology, psychology or human biology it was the frame with which I enjoyed viewing those topics. Genuinely.

It doesn't matter too much what you're passionate about u/resnine. Obviously enjoying hobbies like weight training or surfing will attract a certain type of person. As will Pokémon. Internal Value attracts when you're passionate about something that brings energy and excitement into your life. That sort of internal value is contagious.

[–]Samonji1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'm in the same boat as OP, but I've got a bit of a problem here. Suppose that I'm very knowledgeable in certain areas, like business, finance and etc. Wouldn't that make the people who I attract be leeches off of me? People asking for advice and etc? Because the same is certainly happening to me.

[–]resnine[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yep, I wondered this too. Basically people are just going to start using you for things if you think of it like that. Besides that's a MASSIVE covert contract and creating a very OUTCOME DEPENDENT situation by thinking that way. Someone else was saying how they learned Piano and Fitness so that people would like them more and would want to hang out with him to learn those things too... so basically he learned those things to be used/leeched by other people? this isn't the right thinking.

This whole problem isn't so much about gaining skills as is it about learning to love yourself and be a fun, interesting, and exciting person to be around. By learning new things you become more interesting, but that in itself is not what is going to keep people around, only the ones that want to USE you. The real trick is crafting a magnetic/charismatic personality that draws people into you. Makes you the life of the party. Think of Patrice ONeal from what I can tell he's had tons of friends his whole life, fame/skills didn't get him friends, it was his awesome personality that did.

It's about having a magnetic personality. That's the true answer.

[–]TheRedPillRipper0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

so that people would like them more

This is the opposite of genuine. Let me ask you u/resnine and u/Samonji; do you like money? Or what it can do for you?

crafting a magnetic/charismatic personality

Charms, charisma and exuberance for life are great traits to internalize. Yet to what end?

learning new things

Do you learn new things because you genuinely want to? If not; why invest the time? That’s the same as your piano man analogy. Why invest in anything; or anyone; you’re not genuinely interested in?

ones that want to USE you

If people are using you whose fault is it? When objectively reviewing any relationship or friendship; one of my first criterions is the cost-benefit ratio. If the ROI isn’t there it’s a simple decision. It’s helpful and could help you too.

Godspeed and good luck!

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Right, basically what I said to Samonji. That's the wrong way to go about it. If ever you are doing things for others and not yourself, you will constantly come up empty because you bank all your validation on another person (covert contract/outcome dependence). It's like giving another person the helm to control you, if they have the power to give you joy/validation you also give them control to take away joy/validation. True happiness comes internally, not externally. People come and go, you are the central figure so invest in yourself and not on what others are going to think of you. My whole thing is I often find myself becoming a loner and I want to have lots of friends, but I want them to like me for me not for some skill/trait. But basically that aint possible, people are transactional. Even if they invite you somewhere they are doing it because you possess some trait they like, such as humor or wit.

[–]jm510 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

if that same thing was said to someone else it wouldn't bother them.

Sometimes it hurts like fuck but stoicism comes into play and they seem to shrug it off. Observers might think the guy is made of stone but he is flesh and blood like the rest of us.

[–]JiraiyaKun4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think finding a hobby/hobbies you enjoy and become passionate about them. When you are apart of something it creates scenarios for social interactions. Become apart of something bigger than yourself and I believe the rest will follow.

[–]latinasonly4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

i didnt read your whole post. but the answer to many questions on TRP is :

become someone. become a master in some field that you like , and people will be drawn to you .

[–]Thinkingard7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Sounds like you were hanging out with Omegas. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10? How many girls do you approach and bang? You sound like you're an introvert, and unfortunately, the world doesn't give a fuck about introverts. If you aren't extroverted to some degree your social game will suck. Learn how to have conversations with people. Read Day Game if you don't know how. You absolutely have to provide some kind of value that makes it worth it for someone to be your friend, whether it's you paying for things, being funny, having connections, being super smart in some niche, or just have a lot of things in common with someone.

[–]resnine[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think friendships are almost identical in a lot of ways to bf/gf relationships because it follows a similar transactional type system. In that social hierarchy, however, men will more often befriend men who fall laterally and little below rather than higher up. Social hierarchies are present everywhere including friendships. If you aren't the same level of sociability, income, intelligence, humor it's hard to form a friendship with that person. That's why it's usually the case that people of similar backgrounds hang around each other. Like you aren't going to see a hobo and a millionaire hanging out.

[–]TangarooTangaray0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Day Game, by who?

[–]Thinkingard0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry meant day bang by roosh

[–]face_north2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

okay here is my two cents so you better be listening.

You attract people by what you are , not what you want . have heard it countless times right ?

Right now your story is all about you want to attract people. That's a wrong place to start. And yes as you said you can't or don't need to become loud and social overnight but know who you are ? Do you have any passions ? anything you wanted to do ? may be learn dancing, pick up martial-arts , run a marathon ? be it anything ...thats where you start. With yourself.

And as you go about building yourself you will realise 3 things.

1) Its easier to connect with people with similar passion/hobbies .

2) When you tell others that you are learning to play ukulele in your spare time, they wanna know more about you - (and ukulele) . And this makes you interesting, not the other way round (trying to be interesting) .

3) You realise , you are not boring or bland but you never gave yourself a chance.

So in summary : begin with yourself my friend.

[–]CurtyWurty1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"very desperate, needy and clingy"-that's your ego talking. "Would pay for everything"-don't be the nice guy anymore. To see if those people really are your friends, keep hanging out with them but don't pay for anything except yourself. People take advantage of people, especially friends because they know the consequences simply aren't going to be as bad, I think most people are guilty of doing this at least once. You simply have to do things that you enjoy doing and meet people through that, whether it be martial arts, sport, gym, seminars, work etc... And there's nothing wrong with initiating the conversation and going to events. Not everyone is like that and that's what TRP makes your realise, a lot of people are faking it til they make it (they never make it). You don't have to be the type of person that people want to hang around, you have to be the type of person that you want to be. Be better than the person you were yesterday. Obviously you already have some ideas of your personality that may be hindering your social activity, so change it. I would recommend you start meditating to break down your ego. Watch some YouTube videos and read more about this topic, good luck.

[–]Irtotallynotrobot1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I couldn't imagine going to my grave without being able to play piano pieces from my favorite composers, never running in the Boston Marathon, never completing my travel list, so on etc.

What can you think of that you can't do today? What are the things that you wouldn't care if you ever did? What are the things that you would?

The truth is, almost every friend you make will be among the most entitled people in your life. They'll expect things out of you when they have no right. They'll stab your back in your weakest points. They'll undermine you when you're succeeding and stomp on your head when you're down.

Friends can only be their best when their role is inconsequential to you. You have your own path that you're walking but you could give fuck all about them and their garbage.

Let your friends go. Acquaintences are a currency in the world so make sure to have lots of those. You're on a journey and, at some point, it's going to feel real good to sit down with old buddies and regale them with who you are.

There's a lot to what you're asking. Keep seeking new information and exploring yourself. I can point you in the right direction but there's no handbook on the right buttons to push.

[–]_-resonance-_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When a person lets others “use them,” it’s because that person allows it. The others may not see it as a problem. They may think you’re just being generous.

Your bigger issue, IMO, is to learn how to say no and advocate for yourself while remaining tactful. Saying no can be hard at first. Are you familiar with codependency? It’s people-pleasing. Until you stop doing that, you’ll never know how others truly feel about you.

Put out good energy and the Universe will send it back. Be patient. Don’t be afraid to lose “friends.” Don’t be afraid to embrace others. Give your old/current friends a chance to adapt to the new you, but don’t blame them if they don’t, because you are the one changing frame. Embrace the newness.

[–]1redhawkes1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now, I don't want to change and be something I am not.

Keep protecting your fragile ego, it want's you there, in the comfort zone. That's why you come with every kind of hamstering about not wanting to change.

Guys here already gave you great advice. Shed out the blue skin and start improving yourself. Become man of value, no such a thing as something for noting. Learn to be charismatic, interesting (having hobbies, and no WoW ain't a hobby), lift hard, and cut the losers outta your life.

Most important, stop spamming the sub with every brain fart and take action.

[–]Qba19941 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would like to get an answer too buddy The type of persona that everybody wants to hang around would always give some kind of values; is it money, free rides, parties, funny jokes, motivation, homework help, life tips etc. I guess one of the answers might be TO BE specializing in ONE topic such as music/fitness/picking up girls/being the guy who throws best parties. Just pick one specialization, achieve point where you are outstanding and people want to look/act the way you do.

It is basically what I’m testing this year. My specializations are: body+diet and playing piano/making music

By following those two people will be jealous of my body (they want to look like me and since I accomplished perfect body, they can turn to ME for a piece of advice!)

Also not everybody can play G-Wagon / Old Town Road and XXX-Tentacion on the piano - You get the point ;)

I chose those 2 just because I’ve been doing good with them and been practicing those disciplines for a longer period of time. So just pick something YOU consider yourself to be OK with and work on being consistent and things & people will come :)

Don’t know if it makes sense, English is not my native. Maybe my advice will be helpful!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You say pick one, but you’ve chosen two. Why is that?

[–]independent_rooster0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

don't get depressed. think about this: you too hang out only with peoples that provide something of value: money, status, social group, fun, etc.

we all all the same. everybody uses everybody. so now, if you see it like this, it won't feel like a big deal. your problem is that you don't like the reason for which you are used. you'd prefer to be used for your wit, or social circle. the problem is that you can only provide money.

so now back to the sidebar: work on yourself. lift, read, learn. see yourself as a developing project. there is no shortcut, there is only one way: hard work and dedication. and patience. and then, one day, you will start to see the results.

[–]KettleLogic0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hit gym and Get hobbies people find interesting.

That'll give you something to talk about. Also change yourself. Dont be like that. It you bought a house that was a rundown slum and could renovate it why would you fucking not? Literally no one would bork at improving the house, no one goes leave it a shithole it how it's always been why would you be any different

[–]tossoutjack0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Interdependence theory

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Looked it up. Could you explain it?

[–]tossoutjack0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Pretty much says all interaction is based off of some form of utility each party provides the other. It’s important to not this is done on the subconscious level which means it’s not always as simple as material exchanges. Once risk exceeds reward/expected reward for one of the parties they will cease interaction. You can evaluate your value against what you perceive to be another persons metrics to see you chances of some type of relationship. For example, let’s say you are in a punk band. You try picking up women at church that’s probably not going to be viewed as a positive and maybe even a negative. Nothing about you changes, but you go to one of the bars punks hang out at and now you have a status symbol by being in the band. Your prospective relationships shot through the rough by selling to the right market.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Manson talks about this in his book "Models", he calls it working to your demographics.

[–]tossoutjack0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Another important part to note if your interested in LTR’s is expectation of reward. The best analogy for it I can think of is a lottery ticket. You pay $2 for a ticket that has the numbers 2 2 4 6. You believe that to be a fair exchange. The numbers are drawn 3 5 7 9. You throw the ticket away. Nothing about the object you paid $2 for changes, but what did change was the expectation of reward from the object. If you in a social relationship have a heavily weighted expected reward, then you do something that suddenly removes that you can kill the relationship. Let’s say you come from a Christian family. This good looking girl here’s this and she wants to get married and takes your status as a Christian to mean that you will marry her. You date for 2 years she grows impatient may drop a few hints because there’s less risk because her projected likelihood of you marrying her has decreased over the 2 years. You ignore the hints or directly say you don’t want to marry her boom 2 year LTR ended. You can’t understand why because you haven’t really changed and if you did it was for the better, but to her your biggest asset was your likelihood of marrying her.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. So essentially it's related to covert contracts and being outcome independent. I tell you, I never realized how many covert contracts I'd been setting up, even mini ones. Haven't a certain desired outcome in some many situations. Completely ended that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

In terms of girls three things will spark their interest: looks, money and status. You need to have at least 2 of the 3 over her for her to be interested, or it's gonna be really tough unless you have master charisma/game. Read this on girlschase last week and it makes complete sense.

I guess the same applies with guys though there are lots more ways to provide value.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not just GirlChase, that was in the first section of trp sidebar.

One thing that GirlChase said that I think is absolutely true is to make sure you are masculine and humorous. With that attraction becomes a lot easier.

[–]celincelin0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Now, I don't want to change and be something I am not.

Another BP bullshit that complements “just be yourself”.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So be a fake version?

[–]celincelin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Or change.

[–]Qba19940 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because you can expand those things. For example you focus on playing the piano for a year a- becomes good at it and you have developed a skill that most people want to also have in their set. You can’t just play the piano all year long without doing other stuff. So that’s why I added fitness. Also choosing one would bring probably better results if you are consistent.

[–]BestOrNothing0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can project value by your body language. Actually, I think your bpdy language have the HIGHEST impact on the percieved value of a person.

[–]jm510 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

'Just be yourself' is good advice.

People in your position mistakenly take it to mean keep being the you that you are right now. That's not the real you. That's the fucked up version of you.

Start becoming the you that you would like to be. If you can imagine it, it is possible. Maybe unlikely or even improbable but we don't have fantasies about our future that are not possible.

Hardest part I guess will be getting out of your comfort zone. It's going to be nerve wracking but no promised land if you never lose sight of the shore. Much safer to stay at home and not try.

Then again, you're going to feel fucking miserable no matter what so why not put yourself out there and risk getting embarrassed?

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You are right, people always want something. But that can also be intangible things like humor, confidence, or enthusiasm. People feed of positive emotions like a calf from a nursing mother.

From what I'm reading it sounds like you are dealing with low energy. Have you always had problems with fatigue or am I understanding you wrong? Don't think that having vitality would betray your personality. Right now you may be the wrong version of your true self because you are draining your body through some form or another. This can be because of excess porn/masturbation, a high carb diet, or sedentary life style. All these things are unnatural. When I bring them back I start to feel like a zombie again and life loses it's color. I also lose charisma! Think about your health on a deeper level and understand the implications it has on your social life

[–]resnine[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yeah I have always had fatigue problems especially since about 5 years ago, that's when I remember my energy levels really started going down hill. From what I've read it might be Thyroid related. Work is really stressful. And when I was in school I was commuting back and forth and it was draining me beyond belief. Maybe high-carb? tbh I don't really understand what high-carbs or what carbs even are. Masturbation is like once a day or once every other day. Sleep is kinda shit too. But there is something more, I know people who have shittier lifestyles and still seem more energy than me. For example, Patrice Oneal was fat as shit, lived pretty damn unhealthy but was full of energy/charisma.

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I think some people are more vulnerable than others to food, addictions, etc. My family eats and lives like everyone else yet we have blood sugar problems and addiction. A lot is genetic. If I were you I would just do some short experiments and pay close attention to how you feel

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I don't have food or any addictions at all. If I have one it's the addiction to self-loathing. If anything I don't eat enough. I was bulking about a month ago because I was too skinny. Now I'm working out more and burning the fat off.

[–]DANYboy520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Word that's good shit

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you genuinely want a thriving social life then, yes you do have to add social value or you quickly marginalized. I realized I don't actually like people that much, and therefore, my social life is almost non-existent outside of casual bar conversations (that the other person usually initiates). I'm a bit of a schizoid and i get more enjoyment from music, podcasts, books, and predictable sources of entertainment.

Again, if you genuinely feel a sense of urgency to be socially successful then you HAVE TO CHANGE. Become a DJ, throw dope keggars, be the nucleus of all social activity. Be the go to man for "where are all the bitches." Furthermore, you have to maintain your status. It doesn't just sustain itself.

[–]StoneHurk0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Do interesting things on your own, then bring people along for the ride. You have to not give a fuck about being judged. Yes it's going to come off as a tryhard but some of that is in your head. You can't let the fear of being seen as a try-hard stop you from achieving what you want in the end. The reason why people don't like hanging out with a boring guy is because boring guys are fucking leeches. All they do is take take and take without giving any value back. You may think that people are leeching off you by getting rides/money, but you in return are also leeching off your more sociable friends in a different way.

As a former boring guy in your situation, I know exactly how it goes. You expect your more sociable/extroverted friends to do all the work of setting up hangouts or gatherings while you just tag along and freeload off their connections. You gotta stop being the guy who just waits for the invitations and start taking more initiatives. Inviting people out and organizing group events is gonna a pain in the ass at first. You could do everything right and meet everyone's needs accordingly but you'd still get people flaking on your ass because people just flake. You have to get over that fear of being flaked or rejected by people and just not give a fuck. Focus on the activity that you wanted to do, not the people that don't show up. Also appreciate the people that do show up for you, eventually you'll see which ones are better to keep as friends and which ones are the leeches that needed to be dropped.

In a group conversation, you take zero risks at adding fun banter/opinions to whatever you talk about because you're scared of disagreeing with the hivemind and wanna avoid getting ostracized by the group. This results in you coming off as boring as fuck to talk to with no real sense of identity. So in the end, if you don't bring any social value to the group, the only value you have left are giving rides/money. Next time when someone tries to pull that shit on you, you gotta enforce hard boundaries. A guy with real boundaries garners more respect and people now know what's okay and not okay to do to you as a person. Next time for people asking you for a ride you can just assume that you're automatically invited to whatever it is they're doing. If you are actually invited, then cool, now it's up to you to not being a boring fuck in whatever the social setting is. If you were just being used for the ride, you can either play the victim and make them feel as guilty as possible or you can just straight up tell them to hire their own fucking uber because you're not their errand boy.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with what you are saying, disagreeing witht eh hivemind/trying to keep things peaceful, all boring ass NiceGuy traits. How did you break free from this? And not only break free but have fun, interesting, exciting things to talk about? I just draw blanks and can't think of anything fun/cool to say. I also don't want to be the guy forcing it, being try-hard to be funny/cool. Just want that shit to be natural. Someone else said it on here like "you have to be attracted to your own value", which I take that to mean love myself. No one else is going to like you if you don't like yourself first.



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