707,481 posts

Dealing with extremely narcissistic wife

Reddit View
May 9, 2019
19 upvotes

If you have been following my OYS, you'd recall that my wife moved out of the master bedroom and into my 3yo's room shortly before I discovered MRP. Since then she's withdrawn all affection and attention. During the day we've been pretty ok roommates/co-parents. After the kids go to bed she hides out in "her room" and avoids all interaction with me. I've been working on myself and trying to weather the storm.

Someone sent me this article about narcissism thinking about my wife. It describes her pretty well. Over the past 2.5 months we've been sleeping apart, she's had a number of blow-ups and emotional outbursts, but always blames me for something and never any capitulation. I don't think she's capable of understanding that a relationship is a two-way exchange ... at least not now.

Things have been calm all week until last night I went out to a meetup group related to my career. I came home, kids asleep, and she was in her room with the door mostly closed. I just did my own thing and let her be. She comes in an hour or so later (I was working out on the pull-up bar) super pissed that I didn't greet her or say hi upon arriving home. Cue huge monologue about how I don't respect her or care about her blah blah blah. I literally chuckled and said "Oh now you want my attention after shutting me out for two months. I think you can figure out a better way to get it"

This morning she's raging, demanding an apology (for what ... I'm not sure really). We're in some crazy power struggle but she continues to dig her heels in and refuses to enter my frame.

Any advice that can help break this cycle?


Post Information
Title Dealing with extremely narcissistic wife
Author MightBeNiceGuy
Upvotes 19
Comments 54
Date 09 May 2019 01:32 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/237742
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bmjvaz/dealing_with_extremely_narcissistic_wife/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
frame
Comments

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando62 points63 points  (16 children) | Copy

You're a Beta Provider.

You've had a dead bedroom for effectively your entire marraige = You handed your balls over to your wife and are afraid to ask for them back.

Your weight and BF hasn't changed since your first OYS = you don't lift properly.

You spend your days working from home in your underpants and smoking pot = you're a fucking loser.

Your office is a mess = you don't own your shit.

You lack the discipline to develop your business into a proper company = you're a fucking loser who doesn't own his shit.

You had a main event on your 10 year wedding anniversary. She didn't have a main event. YOU did = You are fucking bitch.

You told your wife about Fight Club = you're a fucking idiot.

You started MRP 2 months ago = you're a newb.

And now you want to know how to break the cycle of your wife's behaviours?

How about you sort your own shit out first and see what happens then? You created this mess, you fix it. That starts and ends with you. Take your balls back, stop acting like a fucking bitch and get your act together.

[–]FoxShitNasty8317 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

He talked about fight club!..... (Shakes head)

[–]SeamusAwl1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

It happens. Makes life harder, but who knows. Maybe it is what he needs to harden his frame.

[–]BarracudaRP1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Telling your wife about MRP = Very Hard Mode

[–]SeamusAwl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I didnt tell. She snooped on my phone thinking I was cheating (i havent). So I know first hand why you should never talk about fight club.

[–]MightBeNiceGuy[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are spot on about all of it. Most of it I knew already, but you have a way of saying it so elegantly blunt.

I will be tracking progress in OYS. Thanks for keeping me accountable.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Responding to this and owning it are two different things. A lot folks read this and admit they were wrong and feel they did something by admitting it.

Don’t do that. This is an acknowledgment that there is a path in front of you. Nothing more. You have to walk the path now. Read the sidebar, lift and get your shit together. You don’t owe it to her, you owe it yourself and your kids.

[–]anakun3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn my feelings,if I had any, are hurt.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly, it’s a real favor that your replies are so comprehensive. Otherwise it would be taxing to highlight the layers of faggotry in this one.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

SB111 ok I've seen a few of your comments and they make me hot!! I'm trying to get my Husband to be less nice and more alpha. I feel a bit like he's handed control over to me and I resent it. It killed our sex life for a few years but we've brought it back and I'm trying to cultivate a more dominant role for him in the bedroom and in our lives in general. He does work, although I earn more. He was a SAHD for a while. He is a very confident, outgoing man and during our dead bedroom I know at least two other women that tried their luck with him. He takes care of his body. He just is very romantic and in love, is overwhelmed at times by how much I'm good at, capable of, would be lost without me etc and defers to me far more than I'd like. I want him to be in charge. The way that you sound like you are in charge.

What advice would you give me to draw this out in him? Last few weeks we've been experimenting with my sexual submission and his dominance and it has been thrilling but it doesn't come naturally to him. Help!!

[–]redwall924 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Can't be taught. Can only be experienced.

SBIII has a place setup for just this sort of experience. No personal experience, but I've heard everybody's that visited has left with a smile on their face.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

coooool, thanks.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

SB111 ok I've seen a few of your comments and they make me hot!!

I get that a lot.

I'll DM later this evening.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I bet you do. Thanks :-)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

holy fuck.

[–]FRedington-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is NOT something that TRP shit can fix.

You have a Cluster-B personality disordered wife. Whether it is NPD is not certain though it could be. It could be any or all of the individual Cluster-B disorders. -- The sad news none of them are fixable with therapy.

Get out with the least losses you can. Lawyer up now.

[–]itiswr1ttenRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Believing OP is the mistake here. OP is playing the victim and offloading not owning his shit on his wife.

Lurk more before giving advice. Actually, contribute before giving advice.

[–]HerukaArisen13 points14 points  (4 children) | Copy

She, she, she, she, she. Maybe your wife is a narcissist, maybe she's not. In my opinion, the approach is the same as for everyone else: STFU (doesn't seem to go too well atm), lift (hopefully not just pull-ups) and read (what have you done so far?). I understand that it sucks being in your situation, but the only way out is to start concentrating on what you do and not what your wife does and, especially, says.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Maybe your wife is a narcissist, maybe she's not.

This is what almost all chicks say about their exes. OP is only two months in, so he acts mostly like a chick still .

At least he’s posting and taking an ass lashing, which is more than most guys do.

/u/SBIII - the streak continues haha

[–]MightBeNiceGuy[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I find the lashings motivating and sometimes even reassuring.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You keep doing the work, and you’ll get there. You have to be patient though - it takes at least a year or 2 of hard work to start getting there. Man, when I look back and see where I was five years ago I cringe. But, by the same token, I’m so glad I found this place and started doing work

[–]HerukaArisen4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Saying "She is a narcissist" is just another way of saying "She is special" or "My situation is special", when, more than likely, she isn't and it isn't. Yeah, she might have some narcissistic issues, but so might you. And even in the unlikely case of her being a true narcissist, it is you who fucking married a narcissist, thinking that it would somehow miraculously turn your life wonderful with next to no effort from your side, apart from recurring periods of kissing her ass.

Now get back to work and make your life so good that you don't give a single fuck whether she ever leaves her dungeon or not. Eventually, you might end up in a place where you can tell her that she can either come to your bedroom or get the fuck out. But you are not even near that yet, and, unfortunately (or luckily, right?), there is no shortcut.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well , now that you labeled her a narcissist you can clearly relax about it being your problem right?

Narcissism is a spectrum, they all have their touch of it just by the nature of the feminine and solipsism going hand in hand.

It changes nothing other than it looks like you are "sprinkling on a little alpha" and expecting more than a sprinkling (if any) of difference.

She married a beta to provide (not fuck), she's mad you don't want to be one anymore as you aren't fuckable in her eyes yet.

Either she'll respond positively to your changes or you move on as she's broken. Either way you need to be worthy of any women's attentions before you'll get an ounce from her with the handicap she's set you at.

At this point my mission would be to get in as best shape as possible and be out of the house as much as possible and build a new life.

You can always still beta-provide divorced (the court will make sure of that) but at least be having a romantic relationships other than with just your hand.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

At this point my mission would be to get in as best shape as possible and be out of the house as much as possible and build a new life.

I couldn't agree more.

[–]helaughsinhidden8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

WOW.

I don't think she's capable of understanding that a relationship is a two-way exchange

No, she is actually communicating quite well as a matter of fact. One of the first lessons here is to pay attention to her ACTIONS, not her words. Her actions are communicating that she is not in this relationship anymore. You are Isaiah Thomas at best to her, maybe Carmelo Anthony. IT is ON the Denver Nuggets but sits on the last seat on the bench and is given zero minutes despite being an MVP level player 4 years ago. CA is essentially off of the team but Houston has not fully released him from his contract because of money.

You need a wake up call. According to u/SBIII's research and memory, you are one unattractive, lazy, weak, needy man that is stuck in his wife's frame.

This morning she's raging, demanding an apology (for what ... I'm not sure really)

She's not saying what she wants an apology for because it's hard to ask you spouse to apologize for giving up on themselves and becoming a fat, lazy, beta. That's why she's raging every morning. It's GROUNDHOG DAY everyday for her and the nightmare that her husband became is still there.

We're in some crazy power struggle but she continues to dig her heels in and refuses to enter my frame.

You have to have FRAME first. Then live in it instead of hers. Advice beyond those steps is still too advanced for you.

SIDEBAR LIFT

EDIT: Don't beat yourself up TOO MUCH, (but do it some). If you take real steps that take you from a level 9000 human waste to level 8992 she will see that change in direction. A little hope can go a long way. Her sleeping in another room is an indicator that she stopped holding her breath. You need to start dressing daily, gym 3 times a week minimum, shower, shave, and get an office outside of the house. The woman can't miss you if you never leave.

[–]RStonePT13 points14 points  (5 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What if both are narcissists?

[–]BostonBrakeJob13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Their walls look like swiss cheese and the battery covers on the remotes stay shut with masking tape.

But damn do they fuck....

[–]RStonePT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Doesn’t take a doctorate to know which one you want to be either

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

What power are you struggling for?

Is the 3yo your oldest? If so, then it'll have to work, but having a 14yo daughter is really helpful for my own mindset.

Take a step back.

If your 3yo (or my 14yo) were to go lock herself in her room and want all the time and space in the world, would it really bother me? If your 3yo (or my 14yo) were to huff and blow words about how I didn't greet her correctly when I got home, would it bother me?

Why is it different with your wife? Greet her if you want. Or don't. Personally ... I'm a greeter when I get home. Not because somebody has deserved it, but because I'm home. I've been away for the day, and now I'm home. I want to be the man who greets warmly when I arrive, so I strive to be that man. I hate being the guy who has to discipline and clean up messes as soon as I get home. So I strive to NOT be that guy as soon as I get home. There will be time later to get things cleaned up if they need it.

I'll say it again ... What power are you struggling for?

We're in some crazy power struggle but she continues to dig her heels in and refuses to enter my frame.

Any advice that can help break this cycle?

This seems about right here ... There is no spoon

[–]MightBeNiceGuy[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

I also have a 6yo. Wife hasn't let the 3yo grow up and sleep by herself yet and uses her as an excuse to disappear for the night.

The power we're struggling for is lead of our relationship. I was a drunk captain for many years and I let her control and emasculate me. I'm trying to turn the tide but she digs in her heels and resists hard.

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

You use that word 'relationship' like it's something you need to manage.

Briffault's Law

You are not the caretaker of the relationship. The more you try, the worse you are making things. This is reality. Believe it or not. If you choose to not believe this version of reality, then find one and act like you believe it.

RP says you can't be the caretaker of the relationship. So stop trying.

If you want to stick your head in the sand and make up your own reality, then please go ahead and do it. Just stop posting here like you hope to get you a watered down version of RP reality that might fit your BP, Disney, head-in-the-sand world.

All the rules you are living by are made up anyway. Pick the rules you want to live by, and live by them. Search for that congruence within yourself, and live your life.

Because what I read when I look at your post is simply this: My wife won't do what I want her to do, and I'm unhappy about that. So somebody give me the remote control cheat code that works for my wife.

Control, control, control. That's what you want in your life. If you want that, then stop having kids. Cause your going to fuck them up just like you're fucking your wife up.

[–]SeamusAwl5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP should listen to this. He needs to learn that if he wants to do something. To just do it. As if he wants to see a movie. He makes the plan to see the movie and says to his wife “ I am going to see X tonight, want to come?” If she says yes, he gets her ticket. If she says no, he enjoys the popcorn. Likewise, if he comes home and wants to greet his wife with a kiss. He goes and gets it. If she pushes him away, without being butthurt, says “okay, tomorrow then” and walks away. Or he says “coming to bed?” Same thing. He just goes to bed. The key would be to not be butthurt and to be willing to jnclude her in his plans. But to do his plans regardless of her decision.

[–]mountainbiker1785 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I haven't followed your OYS posts. We've got a lot of tools in our RP toolbox for dealing with this. I assume you're well versed in them (amused mastery, she amplify, fogging)? You chuckling is a good sign you understand she's the oldest teenager in the house.

Do you have an exit plan? At what point is all of this not worth it?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

A lot of guys come here and say my wife is a narcissist, my wife has BPD, my wife is a psychopath. It doesn't matter. 95% of the time she is just a woman. You may have a narcissist, you may not. I don't know based on your post and I'm not a psychologist.

What I can say is I thought my wife was BPD... she's not. She's just AWALT with emotions. All the 'issues' SHE had, it was me. It was all me. 100% ME. It still is ME when there are issues. She may get upset or emotional, but if I don't engage - guess what, she works through her own emotions and gets over it 10x quicker than if I actually argued. Arguing is for women - don't argue.

You're not even committed to dread level 1 right now.

From OYS

Lifting: Going ok ... not making it to the gym as often as I'd like. I do enjoy it when I do and am definitely getting stronger and seeing my noob gains.

God damnit... LIFT 3x per week minimum. Unless you're dying in bed sick there's really no excuse here. This is fundamental. As in the very first thing you need to start.

We're in some crazy power struggle but she continues to dig her heels in and refuses to enter my frame.

You don't have frame. You're still in her frame. This whole thing is about her. You don't know what frame is. Also you need to realize and reflect when you're in HER frame and why. I know when I'm in her frame, because I worry about what she's doing or not doing or what not. It's hard to break out of that... but each week it becomes easier and easier to live in YOUR own mind and not hers.

Any advice that can help break this cycle?

Lift, STFU, and sidebar... get serious about it. Seems like you have a fair amount of time, you should be through most of the sidebar books by now. You should be lifting at least 3x a week on a set program (not just fucking around in the gym). You should be eating better to fuel your lifts.

[–]FoxShitNasty833 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck, sounds familiar. Worry less about her and more about you. Do proper weight lifting and get out the house regular. When my wife attacks me or insults /gaslights don't engage just laugh, agree and amplify or fog. Or "yeah","nice","I love badgers" then stfu and leave.

The root cause is that your a bitch, hey I'm a bitch but the good news is you can fix it. Understand that you need to have an exit plan. The juice may not be worth the squeeze.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife has all kinds of fucked up shit wrong with her but as you know it doesn't matter. RP works regardless of what flavor of woman you are married to. RP saves the man and not the marriage. You might have fucked up so bad for so long that you need to focus on an exit. Lucky for you, the go plan is the same as the stay plan.

You aren't fuckable or respected. You have zero power in the relationship. You are afraid of what she might do and she smells your pussy wafting through the house.

Build your own life, get out of the house more, make yourself the best version of yourself and STFU until you are that man. Expect her to continue doing all of this shit. Why would she stop if it has always worked? You literally JUST started and haven't changed enough. You need to slowly work your way through the levels of dread and you are still on level 1 or 2. Expect this to happen! Until you can get to 3,4,5 and actually become fuckable you shouldn't expect anything less than a Harpy bitch who treats you like shit.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, my wife is a bit like this. You have to stop giving a fuck. It is literally the only way out.

Answer any of her shit with 'ok...'.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have a long history as betabux, so it's going to be quite a while before she sees you as anything else. The good news is that it doesn't really matter how she sees you, the path forward is the same regardless.

After the kids go to bed she hides out in "her room" and avoids all interaction with me.

Sounds like the perfect time to start catching up on the gym time that you've been missing. Commit to getting on a regular routine and go... regardless of what's happening at home.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your wife may or may not be a narcissist. You’ll only know for sure once you digest the red pill. So keep going and you can figure it out when you get there. You have a long way to go, we all do, but if you don’t give up you will progress everyday. By the way your response “Oh now you want my attention after withdrawing yours” was a beta answer as it shows her actions affect you. You should smile at her knowingly and say, “If you missed me, my door is always open for you.”

[–]Grundlestiltskin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You should smile at her knowingly and say, “If you missed me, my door is always open for you.”

Lol

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

At least sack up and read/apply some of the material before posting this drivel. Why would you even let her continue for more than a few words of her diatribe. YOU are the one encouraging her to act like this because you have no frame, no boundaries, no MAP, and no balls.

[–]_-resonance-_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Remember to ease into Red Pilled behavior, one month for every year of your blue pilled marriage. Don’t go Rambo, but make sure you have a solid understanding of the tests, games, and psychological warfare she will rage on you.

[–]tap09885341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think she's capable of understanding that a relationship is a two-way exchange

Nor is any woman. Your wife and situation aren't special, but the same as most everyone here at some point. The problem isn't with your wife, it's with you. Your wife is not capable of loving, respecting, or desiring you because of the way you think, act, and look. If you make the journey you will become a person that your wife desires, loves, and respects.

Any advice that can help break this cycle?

Start the journey that begins in the sidebar. Change your life.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Quit pointing your finger at her and look in the mirror

Lift. Diet. OYS. Move forward. Frame, Mission. Etc. read.

[–]JameisBong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she is a narcissist, I don't think you can do anything beyond asking her to get help. Beyond that work in yourself and maybe at the end of your journey you will be ready to next her.

[–]Cyprian_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The comment you made to her "Oh now you want my attention after shutting me out for two months. I think you can figure out a better way to get it"

Screams of passive aggressiveness.

If I were you I would just keep working out, and act like nothing is up. Be polite, and act normal.

Avoiding her is just plain awkward.

[–]effyouasshole0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

  1. You don't date a woman with narcissism.
  2. You don't marry a woman with narcissism.
  3. If you are already dating/married to a woman, and you find out she is a narcissist, you immediately end the relationship. Then reflect on how you managed to miss all the red flags that lead you into this mess.

Its pretty straightforward.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

All women are narcs, there are just different levels. His happens to be pretty high on the narc scale. You improve yourself until it doesn't matter what she is or does.

[–]effyouasshole2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Everyone has various levels of narcissism. But there's a boundary beyond which they are considered a "narcissist."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Where is the boundary? How do you know if she has crossed over it?

[–]effyouasshole1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The official boundary is listed in the DSM-5. Untrained people cannot diagnose others with it, but it is still very helpful as a guide.

Personally, I'd be able to endure much less than the DSM details.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2020. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter