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The line between plow horse and taking care of family.

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May 11, 2019

Here I am again, at my wits end with the wife. Finances suck, so I work a real job, make about 60k/yr before taxes and have been doing a night job three to four night a week to make ends meet. Wife has been sahm for most of marriage, 12 years now or so, been married 16 years this August, three boys 17, 11, 6. Moved to town she wanted to move back to to be closer to her family, bought a house less than two years after move. Doing ok at real job but less than old location due to move. Job is crazy stressful, deadline oriented, commission, pay up and down every check. Always had debt that I now see is due to subsidizing her sahm status. Two cars to take care of, all the bills paid by me, always have taken care of us. I'm fucking tired, never time to myself, the boys, or her and I. Since buying this house there has been no free time due to repairs, painting, while working two jobs and three kids in school. Now she wants a divorce again because I'm not fun, she should not have to get a job because I should gave done better in my career, her words. All kids are in school now fir first time ever. She dies the mom stuff, dinner, homework, getting kids places, but she complains about it all. I started as encouraging her to get a part time job just to make $300 a week do I can quit my night gig. Not asking alot here! I am a good dad, know how to cook, dishes, laundry, etc. She says how will all the stuff I do get done if I work? It's a fucking excuse and I'm tired if being her slave. I tell her I'll have time to focus and grow my real job if not running to night job all the time, plus night job goes till late, like midnight or one am, then I can't get up for work, kids school. I've stopped gym ever since buying this house, still eating good but have list my gains, which she liked. It was working now it's all gone to shit again. Been telling her directly that she needs to get a job, our life will be more balanced, but no. It's been three weeks of no talking except about kid logistics and bills. So what do I do here? I'm not leaving this house I bought for us, and she's not going to give in. I'm a plowhorse but I have kids to take care of here, bills always coming, money always tight. Is it owning shit and bring a man or am I just her bitch. This post sucks, if mods want delete, but don't ban me for being a bitch. This site is all I gave sometimes to get me on track. I am the target audience here, 40, married, not some 22 year old coming here instead of TRP. I need to get flamed again by y'all.

Post Information
Title The line between plow horse and taking care of family.
Author firstlight777
Upvotes 27
Comments 36
Date 11 May 2019 04:41 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/238044
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bne2xe/the_line_between_plow_horse_and_taking_care_of/
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[–]johnn201524 points25 points  (7 children) | Copy

She’s an entitled bitch that somehow think she’s better than you. You will be fine on your own, she not so much. You staying and keep plowing will not show your value to her. You have to have the mindset of you will be better without her. You need to plan your exit strategy. She hasn’t work or play bills in 12 yrs. Go ahead and plan for divorce and show your what her reality will be like. She will have to work. The house she won’t keep because she can’t afford to buy you out. A woman close to 40 with 3 kids will have a hard time finding another plow horse.

[–]andyturbo20009 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Won’t OP get divorce raped because of the ages of the kids. I’m UK based but I’ve heard it’s particularly awful in the US. I heard of someone giving up 70% of income for twenty years.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

Usually 50% in the US for shared custody. Would hurt badly, but he'd be better off without this bitch. Money is worth less than dignity.

[–]andyturbo20000 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Is that 50% of income even if you split the kids evenly?

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

They typically equalize household income - if it's all his income, she'd likely get 1/2 of it... Until she remarries some other BB. Varies state to state and I am not a lawyer.

[–]andyturbo20000 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Christ. I know I shouldn’t be surprised but when you see it black and white it hits harder. In the UK, if it’s shared parenting there’s no maintenance, however mother tends to get the house which can’t be sold until youngest is 18. Makes moving on and buying elsewhere difficult. In rare cases, the wife gets a stipend so she can live life to how she’s accustomed. Frigging bullshit.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, it's fucked up that SAHMs constantly talk about how much they do around the house...while their husband is out earning a paycheck. Post divorce, the male gives up 1/2 of that paycheck a while she no longer has to provide him with 1/2 of the childcare, cleaning, logistics, sex, etc. She continues to receive his provisioning while she returns zero value. Doesn't sound like much of a difference to OP. Best thing a guy can do is get their SAHM back to work before leaving her ass.

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

mother tends to get the house

Here the general rule is that the equity in the house is split 50/50, and the person who stays has to buy out the person who leaves. If the person who stays can't afford to do that due to lack of liquid assets, then the house has to be sold and you split the net proceeds.

[–]resolutions31620 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy

You make the money. So you should control the finances.

If you’re not living within your means, start there. Fucking fix it.

Pretend your wife is dead. If you had to line up someone new, what would you do? How would you make time?

Then do that.

You just came here to bitch. No plan.

[–]bowhunter85719 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy

Man this is sad. You seem miserable. I wonder if one of those three boys was in your current situation what would you want him to do?

[–]andyturbo200017 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

She’s going to grind this sucker to dust

[–]screechhaterRed Beret14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ya. We hear ya.

There is really only one person that can take care of you.

Just like your money.

Grab your balls back and tell her you are quitting your second job and she is getting one. The end

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red26 points27 points  (2 children) | Copy

Start selling stuff, starting with the house.

Dave Ramsey. None of this is RP. This is just you failing as a human with finances.

[–]bourbonhipster8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was thinking of selling the cars first actually. Depends on the note value. Moving into a lower col area probably means mortgage is reasonable. Also upending a family is much tougher than selling some cars.

Budgeting might also be in order. Setting up new account take that are just his, direct depositing there. Finance the family with cash flow while paying down debt with what is left over.

OP you cant force your wife to work. Or to be kind. Your demands are laughable. If divorce is really on the table, you have to detach emotionally and start strategizing an exit. Deleveraging, securing housing, separate finances with some sort of padding, lawyer seeking, etc.

[–]heronmarkedblade19841 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Old Dave doesn't get enough credit around here, nothing he says is revolutionary, but its good advice. I'm not religious at all but I put up with 3 months of church visits to get through the financial peace university. Highly recommend it.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

This situation is what hell looks like.

[–]BostonBrakeJob8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do you have control of the finances? If not, get on that asap. Work into the budget what she gets per week to take care of groceries and house shit. Bare min. Use the rest to knock out any debt (aside from mortgage) you may have. Cars included.

Or go one step further and give the broad nothing, make her come to you with purchase requests then go buy it yourself.

Ignore her entitled ass. Yeah yeah, it's your fault that you're here... end that now. Ghost her in her own home. She doesn't respect you, and I don't blame her based off this garbage fire. Respect yourself. Get the budget. Stick to it. And point to the door when she starts bitching about it.

You can't force her to get a job. Tell her anyway. Knock out debt so you don't need the 2nd gig, then go h.a.m. at main job. Get a nuclear fund ready too.

This is easy shit my man. Quit bitching about your problems and find a way through. If ya don't like my MAP, come up with your own. Just. Do. Something.

[–]_-resonance-_3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Right here is what you want. It’s simple with the right mindset, but without it, seems impossible. Give zero f***s. “Ghost her in her own home.”

You probably think this behavior will reflect poorly on you. You probably are afraid she’ll tell her friends how awful you are. In truth, it’s a good thing. Perceive it as, “ha, she hates me but can’t stop thinking and talking about me!”

Just keep being your self (assuming you are improving) until the life-gains come. If you maintain your own frame, she might even comfort test you some day. If she doesn’t hang in there that long, you gotta think, “her loss.”

Don’t ever move out, even temporarily.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

I need to get flamed again by y'all.

I could flame you. I could read through your post history and rip you to shreds. But you know what? You're not worth it. You're not worth the time and effort. Why? Because you already know what you should be doing and you choose not to do it. You're just a fucking lazy cunt.

So, fuck off. Ignore the sidebar again, stop lifting again, and stop STFU again.

You think you're a plow horse now? Wait until she divorces you and you still have to pay for the lifestyle choices you allowed her to take. Oh and say goodbye to your new house and your kids too.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Welcome to married life... she’s a bitch, they all are tm .

This is the long game faggot. What tools have you learned here?

[–]Daddy_ThunderCockThe Wednesday Retard2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It doesn't work like that. You fucked yourself and are asking us how to un-fuck yourself when the answers are in the sidebar and lifting. Do the work or stfu. Women are as shitty as you let them be and it's your fault your wife is shitty and your life sucks. Do something mother fucker.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You sound like quite the victim. Circumstances this and out of my control that. Who the hell is running your life?

You feel emasculated not by anything she is doing, but the fact that you are just getting tossed in the storm wherever it sends you.

Start making decisions for you and leading your family. It might be too late between you and your wife, but honestly she is right. You should be farther along in your career by now. Why aren’t you? You are behind the curve, but are you ever going to get something significantly better than 60k?

You can decide where to live etc. Your pissed because you gave her your balls.

[–]firstlight777[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

60k is more than most people I know make. Little community college is all I have, plus my appraisal class and licenses. This is what I can't make her understand, we're doing ok, we just have debt holding is down. If she had an income we could get ahead of it. I used to make between $80 and $115k, but we had to move, 9 hours away, totally different area. I let her talk me into that. This was before I knew of RP. I have been bitter about it. I moved for her, convinced myself it would be a good change, it's been hard, some good points about it, but hard, expensive, income down, yet I busted my ass, am building business and bought us a house because she was oh so worried about not being a fucking homeowner.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Like others have said:

Downsize downsize downsize.

Set up separate account she can't plunder.

Give her a limited allowance and budget.

Figure out what you can afford and stick to it. Don't ask or discuss. Just do what you have to and inform her of the new world order.

She can threaten up to AND divorce but at this point you are stopping the hole from being dug an INCH further.

And no matter how much you fear divorce rape, being zeroed out beforehand will make matters so much worse. And the stress of living up to her fantasy will zero you out as a man before if you don't IMMEDIATELY put a tourniquet on your hemorrhaging cash flow.

[–]firstlight777[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Nothing to downsize, buying the house is $400 cheaper a month from rent, cars are 14 years old paid off, but old and need repairs often, no cable, wife cuts boys hair, basic groceries. She's not a spend freak, no fancy purses, shoes.

I get your point though, I plan on STFU, getting back to lifting, this has been going on so long, wish I knew about TRP mentality years ago, I think we're just poisoned to each other at this point. But I can't live in some depression hole for long, I've watched her do that and no way, I'll be ok without her.

Need to work on me, I can't be responsible for all her shit anymore it's exausting.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh , so after 3 months, and us telling you not to buy that house in the first place (not because of the money but the obligation).

I'm not leaving this house I bought for us


Since buying this house there has been no free time due to repairs, painting, while working two jobs and three kids in school.

You understand now why we said don't buy the house?

Notice you have an answer for every uncomfortable comment on here and why when guys read your history they punt? You're just here victim puking.

Yet you didn't listen so and you still aren't.

You're so mired in her frame that you've convinced yourself it's your frame.

You're only allowed 1 victim puke so this makes 2.

Since 3 months wasn't long enough take 4 before you have an actual question to post.

This post sucks, if mods want delete, but don't ban me for being a bitch.

And what's this shit? This means you know what's going on here and your head seems like a brick even to you.

No, you're temp banned so you can actually entertain doing some introspection and homework. Or you can just keep yourself exhausted by being a mule so you don't have time to think about it.

You can still post to OYS if you're up to owning anything.

[–]eddielovett1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Instead of the night job why don’t you start building an online income source. You’ll learn new skills, the potential for growth is huge and you don’t have to commute. I’ve been making 50K in side income from various online revenue for years. It takes some time and effort in the beginning and then the amount of time you spend on upkeep is laughable, like a couple hours a week max.

[–]andyturbo20000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

[–]adeptintact2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's obvious you're in her frame.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your post is all "she, her" you're living your entire life in her frame. If she wants you to earn the money to pay bills and you're ok with that, then fine... But she doesn't get to buy a house and vehicles you can't afford. Take control of your finances and live within your means. If she wants the extras bad enough, she'll contribute or leave... Either way, you're better off for it. If my wife ever told me she wanted a divorce because I haven't done well enough in my career, her ass would be out the door immediately.

[–]TooRedPilled4Haters1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

let me give you some different advice

yes, the advice others offer is completely valid and you should do it, but I get the situation you're in, it seems no matter what you won't divorce her likely because you guys really had a good run and you think it will get better.

so for starters lets start asking some different questions to try and fix this.

A) what's the problem with your income right now? how come you're working so much, we need to get that fixed right away. you can easily get a 9-5 job making about the same amount of money you currently do. what education do you have? are you willing to go back to school?

b) it seems to me you're not exactly passing shit tests the best, but we will cover that soon

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This site is all I gave sometimes to get me on track. I am the target audience here, 40, married, not some 22 year old coming here instead of TRP

So why the fuck did you ignore all the advice you were given on your last post? This is worse than the people who stop in and can't recognize help when they get it. You seem fully aware of the value this place offers, but choose to ignore it anyway.

You're getting great advice again, but I already know you'll ignore that too. You'll go on as you have been and sulk to yourself, all the while spending what should be your prime years slaving away to support this woman. Then, when she leaves you in 5 years for one of the guys she's been fucking while you've been wasting your life, maybe you'll actually get it and realize that you should have listened.

Now, either put in the work to fix your situation or fuck off.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to take control of the finances. You earn the money and you need to have a say in how it is spent. Don't even bother discussing this with the wife.

First, just move your paychecks to your own personal account and give the wife an allowance to buy groceries or whatever.

Second, quit your damn second job. Pay for the house and the groceries. No other purchases allowed until your dependapotamus earns her keep.

[–]Dialerstring-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

So WTF do you plan on doing about it?
I’ve read your post history.

[–]firstlight777[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Fir now STFU, lift, internalize that it may just he over at this point and live like it is over.

[–]Dialerstring0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stay plan is the same go plan.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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