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Babied by parents - I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up

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May 12, 2019
75 upvotes

I love my parents very much, but I feel like like being with them stops me from growing. I’m 21 and I’m moving away to college in 4 months, and I feel like I missed out on strengthening my growth as a person due to being babied by my parents.

I’m not sure how many of you are like this, but I don’t know how to do laundry, I don’t get yelled at when I don’t wash dishes, and they offer to pay for everything. I love my parents a lot and I do realize that without them I would be homeless, but I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up. She offers to do everything for me.

I feel like when I move to college they will expect me to communicate with them a lot, but I’m just not the type to call people and talk to them.

Has anyone been in this situation?


Post Information
Title Babied by parents - I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up
Author Asktrp66
Upvotes 75
Comments 31
Date 12 May 2019 04:13 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/238114
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bnl2y4/babied_by_parents_i_feel_like_my_mom_does_not/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang108 points109 points  (4 children) | Copy

I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up

She does not, and the full range of insidious female manipulation tactics can be deployed to that end, against you. Happens unconscious, even if she means well. Be prepared to "hurt everybody's feelings" as you assert independence. The key is to do it by actions taken in the real world, not talks aimed at helping the parents understand your POV better. Those talks are a drain on you and a waste of everybody's time, as you probably know from bitter experience. Fortunately their understanding and approval is not required, instead independent action on your part is required. They can say and think whatever they want to, be big enough to leave their world to them - and even protect their illusions where you deem fit. But you're not part of that world any longer, you're out to find your own.

Many people labour all the lives under the pervasive illusion that their family wants the best for them. They do not. The family wants what's best for themselves, not you. Your attempts to reach for what you want in life will often be smacked down with extreme prejudice if they in some way upset the family status quo or seem to take you outside the family orbit where you could outshine important family members.

The solution to this is to not be in range of any incoming smackdowns/putdowns/talkdowns when they happen. Limit contact to pleasantly rare, and casual topics only. Do not talk about your dreams/goals/projects, nor explain your life choices, despite constant demands to do so. If you neglect having a protective layer like this around yourself, certain family members with a vested interest or psychological issues of their own, can continue to easily control you all your life even if you physically move away.

[–]MGTOWMODSSUCK16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is so right; I've spent the last 7 years learning this the hard way. Take heed young men!

I mean I'm only 24 but if you can TRULY learn this lesson even younger you will probably reach success faster.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I upvoted you just because I agree with your username

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent advice, just get on with it, tell em about your plans once they’ve already been executed

[–]FoxCatDogLionApe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good shit man, this resonates with me. I spent 20 years caged in like an animal. Caged animals don't talk about the future. It went as far as my mother telling me what to wear, how to style my hair because she said it looked hot back in the 50's. I didn't start living until 11 years ago, when I went to college and built my business, then I Got The Ffuck Out. They will go as far as blackmail "Do this or experience this", "Don't get a job, do this...". Your mission is your priority everything else is second.

[–]redpharma778924 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was sort of how it went when I left home at 18. Moms especially are like this. After all you are “mommy’s little boy”, and if you’re an only child, it’s particularly hard on them.

For the most part, household chores are simple. Just start doing them and take responsibility.

[–]MobilePenor21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy

it's a big meme that one has to learn to do laundry, cooking, paying the bills. I don't know if it has been born due to women wanting to make their traditional tasks seem like a bigger deal than they are, or just a meme that came out of nothing. It's really easy, everybody does it. Today is even easier since you have the internet and you can check how to do something.

When I went to live alone, I just did everything myself immediately despite the fact that a week before my mother was doing everything for me (laundry, cooking, etc). Of course you will make some "mistake" along the way, like overcooking pasta or something, but how can you even call them mistakes, really?

Don't worry.

[–]hazelstein2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

it's a big meme that one has to learn to do laundry, cooking, paying the bills.

I swear, Its Basic.

[–]rendezvous19912 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

My brother, pickup the book 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' and read it. This book will answer your question.

[–]THEMIDLANDMAN12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had the same problem, ruined my teenage years. Wish I'd stood up to them a lot sooner.

[–]CaptainBW3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kids of strict parents complain about them, kids of ‘lax parents complain about them. Lol. I was babied by my ‘rents a little bit...but instead of complaining about it, I viewed it as having freedom to make myself into whoever I wanted to be. Freedom can be scary and it forces you to adapt. Be thankful for parents that love you and stop complaining about your own ignorance. You have the internet after all, start learning things.

[–]sniper19052 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Feel exactly like you do and I’m 23. My brother is 26 and our mom and dad do everything for us except school job work.

[–]DerpJungler6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Im 23 and my brother is 26. My brother was given the most attention by our parents when we were younger, he was their weakness. While they ignored me for the most part, i was getting bullied at school, got into fights, later started smoking, drinking and doing drugs, but my parents didnt support me.

Eventually, I did my military service (compulsory), went into university and started working. That's when my father realized I was in the right mindset and started supporting me.

Now i've moved to the UK, living my best life, making money while my brother stays with my mother (parents divorced 9 years ago) and bounces through dead end jobs while playing video games all day.

My point is, a man must find his own way. I always wanted my father to be there for me but he wasn't until i was 20, which was too late. I was angry at everything (which helped me to bust my ass off at the gym), until I found TRP. I'm a man of myself now, make my own decisions and usually I succeed.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

and I feel like I missed out on strengthening my growth as a person due to being babied by my parents.

Right, but you're going to college so this will be fine.

but I don’t know how to do laundry, I don’t get yelled at when I don’t wash dishes, and they offer to pay for everything.

At least you know what's wrong, this means you can fix it easily.

She offers to do everything for me.

She is likely codependent.

I feel like when I move to college they will expect me to communicate with them a lot, but I’m just not the type to call people and talk to them.

Set limits on communication, eg once per week. Ween them into it... bit more at first, then fading off to this. If they overstep this you need to learn to not pick up your phone. Get them to text you if stuff comes up, and don't answer too promptly.

You sound like you're itching for independence. You'll do fine.

[–]BittyMitty0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I wouldn't say that college is the best place to mature.
In fact, overprotected kids cannot handle the newly received freedom and get in all sorts of stupid shit.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

But better than being at home, at least in this case

[–]BittyMitty1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The context is fairly vague.
The description of the mom is pretty generic behavior, nothing out of the ordinary.
But the presence of the father/masculine figure is missing.

So I assume he will try to get with the "cool kids", in order to assert his independence.
Which usually leads to a lot of trouble.

Also the communication issue seems to me exaggerated.
But it might be a cultural difference. Where I live the family bonds are much stronger.

[–]bigboxguy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I graduated last week don’t live with my parents and they still baby me. I’ve been home though due to surgery recovery and ready to leave.

[–]dusara2171 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Speaking from personal experience, even the most mundane of tasks has a list of instructions on Google. If you get confused about literally anything, including doing you laundry, just Google "how do I do x."

[–]thedonuts3521 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t even go to college. Just get a job and move out

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Someone helping you are not helping you. In fact they are harming you.

If do everything for yourself you get to own yourself.

In the future you will be thankful that you did it yourself because you will be strong.

Parents create weak entitled children by not showing a deeper love and understanding the values they are teaching. It's easier for the parent to submit and give you what you want.

A parent who loves you deeply will suffer by denying you things , knowing that in the future you will self sufficient and understand the value of the dollar.

[–]goomerall30 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There is no way you will not ruffle their feathers. It's a must really considering what you described here.

You must limit contact and focus on your own life. Take actions regardless of what they judge best for you because your parents don't always know what's best for you. It's those actions which will show them that you are able to think independently.

[–]mrHoebot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's fairly common. They subconsciously do it without realising. Moms totally want you to stay their precious little boy a lot of times, I don't if it's all mothers though.

But live your life man, just don't delude yourself by wasting time on stupid shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are not alone either mate, there's a generation of us. I'm still recovering.

[–]FlashAttack0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

While I've been raised by women my whole life, especially by my mother, I feel that what you're describing now is basically the reason why I've grown fonder of my father over the years and started gravitating towards him. Even though I had relatively little contact with him growing up, I've come to respect him a lot especially now that I've moved abroad and am in the process of lifting my business off the ground. He's noticed my newfound independence and drive, and now actively supports me. It's been interesting, since I used to hate him as a teen.

One bit of wisdom I've found is that, as long as you don't start feeling sorry for yourself or weak, and just keep walking down that road of life face up, people will notice and offer help unexpectedly.

[–]johnpayne100 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

what is your question

[–]Asktrp662 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

How do I stop being babied by them while not making them think that I hate them? When I transfer to college I wanna be in my own lane, I wanna talk to them once a week max. But how do I do that without making them think that I’m turning against them?

[–]johnpayne108 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take responsibility. Stop letting your parents interfere with your life. Make them understand that you are an adult now.

[–]Bigboyleggos2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My mom is the standing queen of high expectations for her kids, she wants the best and for all of the right reasons. She has loved myself and 2 younger siblings to death. My parents started married life buying an average house and making little money at 20 & 22 years old. They had me within a year. They are now pulling great $$$, working jobs they love, have sweet new cars, awesome houses ect. They could retire if they wanted to and live well at 50 years old. They set one hell of an example.

I left the nest a few weeks before my 18th birthday, I never questioned it or considered how my parents felt about it. I was working 2 jobs when i graduated highschool in 04, i had money, I hated the idea of college and my parents wouldnt stop talking about. 2 weeks after graduating I show up at mom and dads to pack my stuff, they sat me down and asked if i was excited to start my classes in the fall and made it clear that i could stay with them rent free till i graduated. I packed my shit and left. I spent 2 years avoiding my parents, i stuggled financially but refused all offers for help. Ive taken classes on & off but have no degree, the last 3 years ive taken a few business & phsyc classes for my own reasons. Hind sight today, i wouldnt be working diligently now to repair my credit had i not been so proud of my independence but i needed that.

My brother & sister went to college, graduated & spent a year or 3 fucking off, both are doing well now but struggle with progressing. My brother struggles with owning his shit, its way too easy with how acomodating my parents are. He activly avoids taking responsability for shit.

A couple personal examples, Parents will:

*Tell you college is absolutely necessary to succeed.

Imo, college is great if your passion requires a degree, it will also teach you a lot about life and the world but if your not confident in your path it can hinder growth and authenticity.

Im most confident when uncomfortable and uncertain. That said, i find myself making my life easier in some way, then getting bored and diving into the unknown. Ive been laid off with $20 to my name while bills are due several times and always pulled through. No repos, no evections, not one regret. Rough, yes, but it builds resilence and confidence. Teaches you to be humble and own your shit.

*motorcycles and jeeps are dangerous and a poor investment. Fuck yes they are, dangerous just like sleeping in the woods wnd making aleft turn across that buisy highway on your way to work. Fuck it, i could crash my bike, get eaten by a bear or stall my jeep & get t-boned making that left. I know without a doubt that a quiet life with a safe job, safe car, being the guy that waits 10 min at that intersection for the safest opurtunity to turn IS already expiriencing DEATH, he is dead inside. Ive been there, its awful. Im the guy that winds the jeep up to 2500rpm when i see that tiny opening in traffic, when the timing is right.... dump cluch, pedal to the wood, slam second and get shit done! When my sister in law asks if the jeep is safe for my 8 year old nephew I smile & nod. Then let him run the steering wheel on back roads. Last time they visited I did a couple burnouts with the kid, 2nd gear brake stand, engine on the rev limiter, kid laughing and screaming YEAAAAAHHHHHHHH in the passenger seat. Were both giggling as we wipe the melted rubber boogers on the inside of the windshield. Then i showed him the 🤘 and we did a second burnie. when his mom asked why he smelled like smoke the kid whips out a shit eating grin, the 🤘 and says "BURRRRNNNOOOOOUTS MA!". This led to questions about how much money i spend on tires and a lecture about taking care of my jeep so it lasts ect by the "adults". I smile & nod, grab a beer and ask one of them what kind of tires they decided to get for their chevy traverse.... they asked for my car guy opinion last time they were over and i used this to change the subject. They gave me shit for doing burnouts in a jeep thats on 35s, expensive tires! I smile & change the subject aka politly conveying that you dngaf about their concern.

How does this apply to you, OP? When your the guy whos uncertain if the cooper tires are worth the extra $30/tire over the off brand tires for your 4cyl family sedan one day. Then suddenly 2 weeks later you buy a motorcycle, old jeep, bassicly anything fast or dangerous or my personal favorite, fast on 35" mud tires with not top or doors;). people will go out of their way to give you a brow beating. Because, your not "that guy", they felt like they knew, you changed and they WILL question this change. You WILL get shit tested. Be ready, to not fucking care, be the devil you want to be. Anytime i see 🤘, the horns, i know im witnessing somones devilish side, the side that goes against the vision moms want and what society says is right. Put some space between yourself and your parents for the sake of your own well being. After the initial resistance do as you please. Talking with your parents will effect your outlook and the easiest way to clear your head of outside influence is to be alone and find what makes you happy.

Go find your 🤘. Best of luck.

[–]No_senses0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just exaggerate how busy you are. Make a bit of time to call them once a week and they’ll get used to it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Move out as soon as you can. I did at 19. It's a great experience and you learn very quickly to be your own man.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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