Babied by parents - I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up

SkorchZang · 2019-05-12T05:29:54+00:00

I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up

She does not, and the full range of insidious female manipulation tactics can be deployed to that end, against you. Happens unconscious, even if she means well. Be prepared to "hurt everybody's feelings" as you assert independence. The key is to do it by actions taken in the real world, not talks aimed at helping the parents understand your POV better. Those talks are a drain on you and a waste of everybody's time, as you probably know from bitter experience. Fortunately their understanding and approval is not required, instead independent action on your part is required. They can say and think whatever they want to, be big enough to leave their world to them - and even protect their illusions where you deem fit. But you're not part of that world any longer, you're out to find your own.

Many people labour all the lives under the pervasive illusion that their family wants the best for them. They do not. The family wants what's best for themselves, not you. Your attempts to reach for what you want in life will often be smacked down with extreme prejudice if they in some way upset the family status quo or seem to take you outside the family orbit where you could outshine important family members.

The solution to this is to not be in range of any incoming smackdowns/putdowns/talkdowns when they happen. Limit contact to pleasantly rare, and casual topics only. Do not talk about your dreams/goals/projects, nor explain your life choices, despite constant demands to do so. If you neglect having a protective layer like this around yourself, certain family members with a vested interest or psychological issues of their own, can continue to easily control you all your life even if you physically move away.

redpharma7789 · 2019-05-12T04:54:39+00:00

This was sort of how it went when I left home at 18. Moms especially are like this. After all you are “mommy’s little boy”, and if you’re an only child, it’s particularly hard on them.

For the most part, household chores are simple. Just start doing them and take responsibility.

MobilePenor · 2019-05-12T11:49:22+00:00

it's a big meme that one has to learn to do laundry, cooking, paying the bills. I don't know if it has been born due to women wanting to make their traditional tasks seem like a bigger deal than they are, or just a meme that came out of nothing. It's really easy, everybody does it. Today is even easier since you have the internet and you can check how to do something.

When I went to live alone, I just did everything myself immediately despite the fact that a week before my mother was doing everything for me (laundry, cooking, etc). Of course you will make some "mistake" along the way, like overcooking pasta or something, but how can you even call them mistakes, really?

Don't worry.

rendezvous199 · 2019-05-12T05:44:20+00:00

My brother, pickup the book 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' and read it. This book will answer your question.

THEMIDLANDMAN · 2019-05-12T09:15:23+00:00

I had the same problem, ruined my teenage years. Wish I'd stood up to them a lot sooner.

CaptainBW · 2019-05-12T13:22:05+00:00

Kids of strict parents complain about them, kids of ‘lax parents complain about them. Lol. I was babied by my ‘rents a little bit...but instead of complaining about it, I viewed it as having freedom to make myself into whoever I wanted to be. Freedom can be scary and it forces you to adapt. Be thankful for parents that love you and stop complaining about your own ignorance. You have the internet after all, start learning things.

sniper1905 · 2019-05-12T10:24:12+00:00

Feel exactly like you do and I’m 23. My brother is 26 and our mom and dad do everything for us except school job work.

MattyAnon · 2019-05-12T12:58:17+00:00

and I feel like I missed out on strengthening my growth as a person due to being babied by my parents.

Right, but you're going to college so this will be fine.

but I don’t know how to do laundry, I don’t get yelled at when I don’t wash dishes, and they offer to pay for everything.

At least you know what's wrong, this means you can fix it easily.

She offers to do everything for me.

She is likely codependent.

I feel like when I move to college they will expect me to communicate with them a lot, but I’m just not the type to call people and talk to them.

Set limits on communication, eg once per week. Ween them into it... bit more at first, then fading off to this. If they overstep this you need to learn to not pick up your phone. Get them to text you if stuff comes up, and don't answer too promptly.

You sound like you're itching for independence. You'll do fine.

bigboxguy · 2019-05-12T05:29:43+00:00

I graduated last week don’t live with my parents and they still baby me. I’ve been home though due to surgery recovery and ready to leave.

dusara217 · 2019-05-12T11:32:03+00:00

Speaking from personal experience, even the most mundane of tasks has a list of instructions on Google. If you get confused about literally anything, including doing you laundry, just Google "how do I do x."

thedonuts352 · 2019-05-12T14:57:54+00:00

Don’t even go to college. Just get a job and move out

[deleted] · 2019-05-12T17:04:40+00:00

Someone helping you are not helping you. In fact they are harming you.

If do everything for yourself you get to own yourself.

In the future you will be thankful that you did it yourself because you will be strong.

Parents create weak entitled children by not showing a deeper love and understanding the values they are teaching. It's easier for the parent to submit and give you what you want.

A parent who loves you deeply will suffer by denying you things , knowing that in the future you will self sufficient and understand the value of the dollar.

goomerall3 · 2019-05-12T10:59:30+00:00

There is no way you will not ruffle their feathers. It's a must really considering what you described here.

You must limit contact and focus on your own life. Take actions regardless of what they judge best for you because your parents don't always know what's best for you. It's those actions which will show them that you are able to think independently.

mrHoebot · 2019-05-12T11:05:30+00:00

It's fairly common. They subconsciously do it without realising. Moms totally want you to stay their precious little boy a lot of times, I don't if it's all mothers though.

But live your life man, just don't delude yourself by wasting time on stupid shit.

[deleted] · 2019-05-12T17:06:39+00:00

You are not alone either mate, there's a generation of us. I'm still recovering.

FlashAttack · 2019-05-13T22:58:26+00:00

While I've been raised by women my whole life, especially by my mother, I feel that what you're describing now is basically the reason why I've grown fonder of my father over the years and started gravitating towards him. Even though I had relatively little contact with him growing up, I've come to respect him a lot especially now that I've moved abroad and am in the process of lifting my business off the ground. He's noticed my newfound independence and drive, and now actively supports me. It's been interesting, since I used to hate him as a teen.

One bit of wisdom I've found is that, as long as you don't start feeling sorry for yourself or weak, and just keep walking down that road of life face up, people will notice and offer help unexpectedly.

johnpayne10 · 2019-05-12T04:21:23+00:00

what is your question

Title	Babied by parents - I feel like my mom does not want me to grow up
Author	Asktrp66
Upvotes	75
Comments	31
Date	12 May 2019 04:13 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	askTRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/238114
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bnl2y4/babied_by_parents_i_feel_like_my_mom_does_not/