Tl;DR Prepackaged, raw beef patties in the microwave, forty seconds per side.

Body

While I don't actually consider this cooking, I'm still calling you out on your inability to take control of your diet. Quit giving away your hard earned wages for trashy fast food, overpriced take out and prepared meals. Hypocritically I sit hear at McDonald eating my third of five Sausage Biscuit priced at one dollar each. That's 2300 calories for five dollars. Hard to beat I know, especially when all you have to do is show up and order. It's completely doable, it just requires a little more effort than walking into McDons.

While there is 460 calories in each Sausage Biscuit, they lack what our bodies require to grow big and strong: Protein. The nutrition spread has 30 grams of fat, 36 grams of carbohydrates with only 11 grams of protein. This means a 2000 calorie meal contains 55 grams of protein. Honestly, a fourth of what I'm shooting for. Had I taken my happy little ass over to Walmart I could have bought a pack of 75% lean, raw, prepackaged frozen beef patties for eight bucks.

That eight dollars gets you twelve, preweighed quarter pound, frozen patties for easy nutrition tracking. Each patty contains 0 grams of carb, 28 grams of fat and 18 grams of protein equaling 330 calories. I could have ate seven of those netting me 2310 calories, zero grams of carbs, 196 grams of fat and 126 grams of protein. That's much closer to what I personally want my macros to be and if you break it down, it's actually cheaper than McDonald. Just requiring slightly more effort than ordering off the dollar menu.

Again I don't actually consider this cooking but you boys gotta start somewhere and work has me living out of a hotel room, forcing me to resort to this after I got I sick of eating out or off the taco truck at the tune of thirty plus dollars a day. What you have to do is get yourself a dish, something with a lip to contain the grease. Keep the wax paper that separates the patties on the top side when you nuke it in the microwave for forty seconds. Pull it out and be careful because it's honestly hotter than I ever expected. Flip it over, replacing the same wax paper on the top. Then hit it again for another forty seconds. Pull your now fully cooked patty out and eat it with your hands like the savage you are. Repeat until full or your nutrition goals have been met.

In the end, this is just a starting point for you lazy fucks crying it's too hard to cook. It take's too much time. There's literally one dish and if you've got the intelligence to put a paper towel lid over the top to prevent grease splatter, the microwave should stay clean. Yes you can cook more than one patty at a time, just add another forty seconds per side, per patty. If they come out dry, try reducing the time. If they're still raw, add a little more. If you're bad at centering your meat, one may get cooked faster than the other. If you can't handle that stick to one patty at a time. Yes you can add buns, lettuces, tomatoes or anything else your little hearts desire. Personally I salt and pepper my patties, adding curry and paprika. I can smack threw the entire three pounds of meat in a thirty minute lunch break, including cook time and clean up. What's your excuse?