How to overcome deep rooted fear

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May 28, 2019
6 upvotes

Lurking here for ages, first time poster. 35 yo. Read all of the sidebar, some things twice. Took the pill 3 years ago, unplugged, had a long anger phase, but accepted and became at ease with core red pill philosophy. Working on myself and doing me ever since. But there is one fundamental thing that I can't get under control: I have a seemingly all-encompassing, debilitating extreme fearful reaction to negative emotions of my LTR. As soon as I sense the first sign of anger or irritation in her, my whole body gets in fight/flight mode and all logic, stoicism, lessons learned, books, everything flies straight out of the window. It's also almost always a bit present, I never sleep well, I'm always anxious, nervous, eating my nails & fingers, pacing around the room, etc. Cannot even think straight half of the time because of the high cortisol levels in my blood.

I've had 1,5 years of intense psychotherapy, I've read countless books, the top 500 posts here and on marriedredpill. I get it, at least, I recognise social dynamics, recognise the red pill truths happening around me, but I cannot seem to get a grip on my personal fear. I have an idea of how it came to be: I am somewhat of a medical wonder, I was born 2 months premature, and all my insides were wired wrong. Had to be chirurgically fixed a couple of times in the first couple of months of my life, first air outside of a hospital was when I was 6 months old. Was off and on extremely ill for the first 10 years of my life. Mother couldn't handle it and blamed me everytime. Father died when I was 6. Ever since I felt like I had to be there for my mother, otherwise I would not get love and would probably die.

If I look back it was already killing me when I was 8 years old. An ugly fat girl from my school decided I was to be her boyfriend. We "dated" for 2 years. I hated her. This sums up my life.

Is there anyone with a similar life path or experience that has come from that far and was able to eradicate the fear and anxiety entirely? How did you do it? Any specific books or methods you recommend? Specialised therapy? What worked?

Thanks guys.


Post Information
Title How to overcome deep rooted fear
Author AdorableHyena
Upvotes 6
Comments 32
Date 28 May 2019 08:32 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/240667
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/btxink/how_to_overcome_deep_rooted_fear/
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Comments

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red[🍰] 16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy

1 - You don't lift.

Fix that shit. Tomorrow.

2 - You live in someone else's frame. Your whole life. You say you know that but you aren't doing anything about it.

Fix that shit.

You see how pathetic it is that you see your failings as a man yet cannot do anything about them but bitch like a little girl and ask for help on the fucking internet? Your problem is zero balls. You're not going to get a testicular transplant here. Matter of fact, here's a kick in those atrophied little peanuts you need....

3 - There's a big difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Think about that.

Many redpill guys have this problem. Mental masturbation. Self improvement for the sake of self improvement.

Here's why that is the worst thing you can do....

Your ego. Big, soft, externally validated, weak.

You get on here three years ago and lurk your face off. You are WOKE. You devour the theory, the books, the FR's, the OYS posts, the take no prisoners hard analysis of your life by internet dudes who have seen shit.

Man it feels good to be a part of this hardassed community. You can parrot truisms and pick apart victim pukes with the best. My big swinging balls feel good just logging in here, because we're the real men of the internet.

Your little ego gets it's massage.... " Fuck, I'm awesome. Look at all the shit I know!"

Your ego therefore gives you that validation handjob back...."Just look at you, AH. All woke as fuck, participating in the forums, doing all this redpill stuff.... fuck man, you got this. High five!"

The problem is your ego is using this as a placeholder, a crutch, a distraction.

Because you didn't DO SHIT.

DO.

All this is academic and masturbatory if you don't actually do shit.

Your lifting failure is exemplary.

LIFT HEAVY SHIT is a mantra.

You decided crossfit and cardio was ok to substitute.

You still have no frame and no game because you don't DO SHIT.

When's the last time you flirted to the point of getting an unrequested phone number?

You haven't been working on your looks, your frame, or your game.

Still blaming your sickly baby status on your shit life 35 YEARS LATER.

And you wonder why you can't instill dread in your life?

You're a weak pussy because you're afraid to actually take the steps.

Start walking the path, bitch.

[–]red88lobster2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was the cold cup of coffee I needed this morning :)

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

1 - You don't lift.

Fix that shit. Tomorrow.

Thanks for the reminder. Started today with a coached program at my gym. Started with deadlift technique. Today I found out my max weight to technically lift correctly 5x in a row is 200 lbs. Lots of room for improvement. I'm fixated on pushing myself in this area and keeping this going as it's a tangible thing I know I can do.

here's a kick in those atrophied little peanuts you need....

That's exactly what I'm here for. I'm touched by the effort many of you put in your replies, you guys are like the men I've never had in my life but needed desperately. Sounds like I'll stick around for some more ball kicking.

There's a big difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

...

Start walking the path, bitch.

Nail on the head. I've read everything, some things like the red pill constitution, shit test encyclopedia, the levels of dread and the DEER vs DARE post more than 10 times. But I've indeed never did a fucking thing, except maybe half assed passed some shit tests. I'm still struggling at level 1. And even though I can recite some of these posts by head, as soon as the shittests really hit the fan I run, flee for my life. Fuck.

[–]Redpillbrigade1710 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

Stories. The boy you were once was obviously sick and you remember that. But a lot of what that boy experienced (eg as a newborn) you don’t remember . It was told to you. Unfortunately sounds like your mom went though a lot with the boy you were (that’s not your fault by the way) and was not able to show that boy love in a constructive way. She sort of blamed the child. I’m no psychologist or psychoanalyst but it’s not a surprise to me that you have a hard time around your LTR and you fear triggering her.

So here you show up, trying to become an adult and struggling.

Can’t fix all your issues but I’ll say this:

  1. It’s good that you have a lot of self awareness. Good first step. Keep track of it. Journal your reactions and your triggers.

  2. Identify the stories you tell yourself - and gradually change them and replace them with helpful ones.

  3. Start building memories that build up your confidence.

  4. Put things in perspective: others have it MUCH worse. See yourself as lucky you got the cards you got, not as a victim.

Read books like Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonnigal or Self Authorship by Jordan Peterson.

Some good therapy with a counselor if you can afford one and maybe self help would be good ideas as well.

Good luck. You’ll overcome this. Find that survivor power within and turn this ship around - deep inside your living force is actually a badass. Let it come out, in a constructive, positive way.

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Very kind reply, thanks.

It’s good that you have a lot of self awareness. Good first step. Keep track of it. Journal your reactions and your triggers.

Thanks, I have only passively read a lot of books and never dared to post here or write/journal. Making this post was a first step at taking more action and trying to hold myself accountable. Journaling is a very good idea. Will write something for OYS as well.

Read books like Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonnigal or Self Authorship by Jordan Peterson.

Have not read those two, thanks, will add them to my kindle right now.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

You talk about all of the book you have picked up and read. Have you picked up a bar?

We get shit for chanting "LIFT motherfucker, LIFT!" all the time, but there is a very good reason why it is a cornerstone of RP. Lifting is hard. Lifting strengthens you physically and mentally. Lifting gives you confidence. When you are confident you don't fear silly female emotions. Plus, lifting makes you sexy.

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I admit, I was a lazy fat fuck 3 years ago. I have been doing crossfit/cardio ever since, which made me strong but not jacked. I definitely notice the physical and mental benefits, although confidence is still far from optimal. Would lifting change that a lot?

[–]simbarlionRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. You should know that having read so much mrp.

Just like a good diet, regular lifting is good for your body but also your mind. Commitment, self control, confidence.

Sore muscles are good for nervousness and anxiety too.

[–]Rogue684861 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lifting free weights. Barbell is much better than cross fit. I think it stimulates you in a different way

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

#1 - Come on, let's be honest. You may have known about RP, but you haven't even opened the packaging let alone swallowed it. How do I know?

I have a seemingly all-encompassing, debilitating extreme fearful reaction to negative emotions of my LTR.

This right here. Think about this - what the fuck can your LTR actually do to hurt you?

I've had 1,5 years of intense psychotherapy

Good for you.

I've read countless books, the top 500 posts here and on marriedredpill.

And?

I am somewhat of a medical wonder

Congrats I guess?

Is there anyone with a similar life path or experience that has come from that far and was able to eradicate the fear and anxiety entirely? How did you do it? Any specific books or methods you recommend? Specialised therapy? What worked?

I've dealt with anxiety for 20+ years. Panic attacks, generalized anxiety, social anxiety. Whatever. The only thing that helped me was following MRP. Anxiety is your body telling you something is wrong. My guess it's your fear of not living up to everyone else's expectations of you. Fuck that man... improve yourself, make THAT the thing that gives you fulfillment.

Oh and maybe find a new therapist. Therapy is great if you have a good one based on where you're at. Helps you look at things objectively.

Lifting, reading, finding out who I am - not my parents, not my wife, not anyone else is what cured the anxiety. I saw cure because for 3 months now I have had zero anxiety. I'm a calm motherfucker now. You may need meds to help. That's ok - just make it a goal to not have to use them forever. Other things that helped me: meditation, eliminating alcohol, fixing my diet, Muay Thai, talking to everyone everywhere, visualization of scenarios (how BAD would it REALLY be if X, Y, or Z happened).

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This right here. Think about this - what the fuck can your LTR actually do to hurt you?

Rationally, of course nothing. But tell my subconscious that when it injects me with liquid fear the moment she's angry. The thing is I even recognise it now the moment it happens (which is a huge improvement coming from always reacting like a drama queen based on that fear without realising it was there), but that seemingly has only made it worse for now. Knowing she can't hurt me has not made me less want to flee like a fucking kid that screams when she sees a spider and jumps on the bed. It's like a phobia...

[–]simbarlionRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ok gonna shoot from the hip with a bit of armchair psychology here....

Pretty obvious to me that the fear of "negative emotions" from LTR is in fact fear of rejection. Fine. But, rejection is only an issue to you because of your deeper underlying fear of being alone. Thanks, Mom.

You need to address your fear of being alone.

.

[–]suprathepeg2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This right fucking here!!!!

This is the primary struggle a man must face in order to grow.

You gotta be an individual in a complimentary relationship not a guy in an LTR. I think many many underestimate the intensity of that struggle with one’s self but it’s real. And you gotta fucking eat it till it makes you sick and keep on eating it till it makes you strong.

Also lifting is key to that path. Cardio is for competitors or losers who don’t have their diets on lock. Abundance means women in general want to fuck you + women want to fuck strong men = get your ass strong. Lifting is life! Lifting is my number two priority in life right after career and before pussy. Fucking lift or fuck off.

What I do for cardio: hike, dance, work in my yard.

[–]donmcde3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why do you feel the need to lie to internet strangers? You haven't read shit and you certainly haven't taken the red pill. Go read No More Mr. Nice guy.

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I understand your reply, it sometimes feels to me too like I haven't made any progress in three years of reading, therapy, etc. But I have read it, probably not internalised it enough. Will read it again, thanks.

[–]red88lobster0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe you haven't made any progress because you are not lifting? I notice when I stop lifting it's because I've slipped back into my old ways.

[–]go-RED-go0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreeing in principle. Seems like you have read WISNIFG.

[–]lololasaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't just read it.

Do. The. Work. It matters a lot.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hear what you are saying but the only true way is to face it. I too fear my cunty wife for many, many irrational reasons. The thing is you have to rock the boat a bit and risk upsetting her to know that it will be ok. I have been purposely upsetting the wife and it is funny she dosent hate me for it.. she wants more and I can see the intreague in her face (what!!! he has balls now and can powerplay or not play at all). Deep down my fears are around "conflict" no more Mr nice guy is the book for you and face shit tests head on. No dancing round it, say "NO". If she is bratty don't flee walk towards her, polorize! feel shit scared. Make notes when your in these situations and note that you overcame it and you didn't die.

Good luck

[–]RealityTastesGreat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Body psychotherapy, meditation, yoga, martial art. Cool your amygdala from below. Its the long game

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I've had 1,5 years of intense psychotherapy

What goals have you made and accomplished with your therapist?

Still have debilitating fear 1.5 years into this? What was the cost you paid to get where you are now with your current therapist?

Any therapist worth their salt would have made some progress on this sort of deep-rooted fear in 1.5 years. Look up a CBT therapist in your area that's hopefully covered by your insurance. Talk to the CBT therapist. Be completely honest/open with the CBT therapist. Learn what CBT is. Then apply it.

You came a posted here about this fear you've got. CBT gives you the tools to deal with your own fears. The fear and/or negative emotions you experience are based on your thoughts. The fears/negative emotions you experience are not in themselves irrational or to be targeted directly. They are simply to be noticed and maybe evaluated. You then need to move to the thoughts behind your fears/emotions. You can't change your fears/emotions. You can change your thoughts.

You want control of your life? Then learn some CBT, man. Drive your thoughts. Then live your life.

[–]AdorableHyena[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What goals have you made and accomplished with your therapist?

For one thing I stopped blaming my now ex-wife for all of my issues and started with trying to own my shit. I 100% now understand and feel that whatever happens to me, it is my fault and my responsibility to change it. I managed to unwrap the spaghetti that were my issues and nail it down to irrational fear that clouds my emotions and prevents me from acting in a way that supports my own wants and needs. But now how to overcome that... Still not there yet. I believe it was CBT that my therapist practiced with me, but I must say that period of my life was a bit of a haze clouded by divorce tears.

You came a posted here about this fear you've got. CBT gives you the tools to deal with your own fears. The fear and/or negative emotions you experience are based on your thoughts. The fears/negative emotions you experience are not in themselves irrational or to be targeted directly. They are simply to be noticed and maybe evaluated. You then need to move to the thoughts behind your fears/emotions. You can't change your fears/emotions. You can change your thoughts.

This is good stuff, I must have forgotting this core message or let it slip away.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is good stuff, I must have forgotting this core message or let it slip away.

This is pretty much all CBT is at its core. It's therapy for how the cognition parts of you behave. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Get it? If you forgot this core message, then your CBT therapist is full of shit and just likes your money.

Seeing a therapist is great. If you need training in order to get your brain behaving better (ie. thinking better), then go get some serious training. $75-$200 per session is a huge amount of money for a personal trainer, but if they are doing their job well, and if you are learning, then after 6-8 sessions you should be good to go. Their job is to teach you to talk to yourself.

You talk about this

irrational fear that clouds my emotions and prevents me from acting in a way that supports my own wants and needs

NO! "Irrational fear" isn't clouding your emotions or preventing you from anything. You are choosing to believe things that you would be rational to fear if they were to come to pass.

What do you fear? Figure it out. Work through it. Do some "Plan B" thinking so that if something you fear does in fact happen, you'll understand that you're a man with options (ie. plan B), and you're not caught with your greatest fears realized.

Man ... we're all making this stuff up as well go in life. You've got a structure for how you think that isn't working well for you. You've got to come up with something better. You've been sold a crock of shit for a long time it seems. So long that now ... now you sell yourself this same crock of shit full of fear or whatever.

You can take control of your thoughts. Fuck man. If you can't take control of your own thoughts, then you're really fucked and we're wasting our time. 1.5 years of therapy should have worked into you how to control your own thoughts. But, hey, it's the past. So bring it into the here and now. Go find a CBT specialized therapist - hopefully covered by your insurance, and schedule a visit. Make it your goal in those sessions to control your own thoughts and thereby shed this irrational fear you are clinging to.

[–]GoodWillFunky0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Embrace and feel your fears. Put yourself through the grinder. Feel the fear and let it go through your body but Don’t react. Every time you react you let the emotion get to you. When you don’t react you defeat the emotion. You have attachment issues as I do and a ginormous fear of rejection due to your childhood experiences. You need to embrace uncomfortable situations. It will make you mentally stronger. Read about stoicism. Mediations from Marcus Aurelius is the book.

And start lifting yesterday. Lift heavy because you definitely need it. Start 5x5 StrongLifts ASAP. At least you’re here and there’s a lot of resources. Dig relentlessly the info and follow the program. Is life changing.

Good luck

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Congrats on wasting 3 years of your life being a dancing monkey. This is why people post and don’t lurk - could have saved yourself some time.

The real question is why the fuck do you care about her negative emotions. Strategy is simple, change her feelz by teasing, AA and AM but if she really just wants to be miserable then you aren’t obligated to be present. Learn to value your time and stop giving so many fucks.

[–]pollodustino0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You and I have similar childhoods. I was diagnosed with stage four rhabdomyosarcoma when I was four years old, spent the next two and a half years in and out of the hospital for chemo, radiation, and surgery. Then had to go back all the time for follow ups, physicals, and tests. I've been in remission for twenty-seven years now, and aside from a few intestinal problems and damaged teeth and hearing, I'm doing just peachy.

My mom, however, did a number on my self-confidence. My illness did not make her blame me, but made her love me to the point of being absolutely smothering for most of my childhood. When I reached adolescence, it turned into controlling. She had always been controlling, even before I was born I later found out, but it got worse and worse. And she'd fight and scream and insult and berate and it would go on for hours and hours and hours. My dad, my brother, and I would just hunker down and weather the storm. I now see, after a few years of serious self reflection and introspection, that it was because my dad was weak and wouldn't face her, and my brother and I modeled our behavior on that. My brother turned out better than I did because he was away from her more than I was, and was able to go out more than me, but we both had issues with confrontation. Years later, in junior high, high school, and college, I was terrified to ask out girls, or even talk to them without serious effort. I could not fully open up to people or be myself. I always had to have a mask.

It's really, really hard to break out of that constant terror. Your childhood was not one of normal exploration and development. You were thrust into a hell world of pain, suffering, struggle, and your parents not being there for you. On top of that you had no real sense of stability because of your health problems. There was always some surgery, some test, some appointment, some doctor to see, and you had ZERO control over any of it. You were just shuttled to and from each place where you were poked, prodded, and probed. I managed to be able to integrate it into my personality; to this day I'm hardly scared of doctors, needles, procedures, or tests. But that doesn't mean that the psychological trauma isn't there for you. I think I managed to get over a lot of it because my natural personality is one of independence and being tough. I remember trying to run away when I was four, before I was diagnosed, because I was tired of my mom being "mean" to me.

I think a lot of your problem stems from that lack of control you had as a kid. I had four years of normal childhood to set a baseline; you didn't have this luxury. That is A LOT to unpack. I know you said you had some therapy, but I think you need more. Find a therapist that deals with childhood trauma. And don't be afraid of unleashing some really bad repressed memories. That's where the healing starts. Embrace that pain.

A really good book to start with is No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover. I actually just finished reading it last night, and I was appalled to see how accurate it was in describing my own behaviors, even after my own process of unplugging and self therapy over the last two years. It opened up my eyes to some behaviors I did not even consider that I am doing. He even talks about situations like your "Ever since I felt like I had to be there for my mother, otherwise I would not get love and would probably die" childhood. I strongly recommend buying that book and reading it at least three times. Maybe even contact Dr. Glover, or see if you can find a local Nice Guy support group like he talks about in the book.

Aside from that, don't be afraid to piss off your girlfriend. So what if she gets pissed off? She leaves? Whoopty-fuck. At least then you don't have to deal with her bullshit. Then you can focus on yourself instead of her.

Good luck, amigo.

[–]Rogue684860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The you that you think is you, is not you - it is a compromised you.

The compromised you is comfortable in negativity and drama. So much so that when things are going well, your anxiety increases.

You must focus on getting back to the real positive you. This causes cognitive dissonance. You have to sit in this long enough to recognize the real you.

Different people have different things to do this. Lifting helps keep me positive. Yoga. There is a good rationale response model to deal with anxiety in chapter4 of Feeling Good by David Burns. Its cbt.

You've got to find what works for you. You have a base insecurity that you project onto her. If you feel secure you wont worry as much about her.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Everyone is similar when they’re afraid to do the work. Stop making excuses and own your incompetence.

If your LTR is a total bitch and even says rude or mean things to you...so what?

You’ll need a set of balls. You didn’t unplug 3yrs ago and you haven’t swallowed the red pill. You haven’t even laced up your shoes. Your disgusted with yourself and it’s killing you. But until YOU do something about it, no amount of reading will get it done.

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Listen man I know how hard the struggle is to make yourself an independent hard ass motherfucker.

Here is my motto: The degree to which you dominate yourself is the degree to which you can dominate the world.

You need to have two things on fucking lock to proceed with MRP:

  1. Diet. Get your fucking diet on point. Track your macros , know what your maintenance level calorie intake is and move either site of that number to get or maintain at most 13% body fat. Sub 13% changed my IOI level massively.

  2. Fucking lift. Lifting is hard like CrossFit and hard cardio but it has the added benefit of making you appear and be bigger/stronger. Lift three days a week and do CrossFit 1-2 times if you wanna keep that up. Lifting will also help your testosterone levels.

Once you have the above under way then start working on the rest.

[–]rotkohlblaukraut0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

> We "dated" for 2 years. I hated her. This sums up my life.

No. This happens to sum up your thought pattern right now. But thought patterns can change. Believe me, I know.

> my whole body gets in fight/flight mode

This might be a little too Zen for you - if so, that's OK, just keep it in the back of your mind and one day maybe it'll be ripe enough for you to pick it. But the next time you feel that fear, see if you can be aware that you're noticing the fear. I know, it sounds a little tautological, but if you can notice that fear, you can also notice that the thing that's noticing the fear. And that thing, call it awareness, call it your consciousness, call it whatever, is different from the fear. That awareness is calm, able to observe without actually becoming the fear, the clenched muscles, the tightness in the chest. If you can notice this, reflect on the fact that the fear is just something else rattling around in the box of your mind, in the same way a box might hold some old cutlery, a VHS tape of the original Star Wars movie, or a bunch of crayons. But all that stuff can be dumped out and isn't the box itself, and you can put new stuff in there. The fear isn't you, it's just something that arises and will pass away. Someone else mentioned meditation - check it out.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’ll spare you my stories of getting fucked in the ass by the priests, and then the sons of our baby sitter taking their turns right up until my single mother pick me up.

I will spare you the torture, beatings, knifings, excrement thrown at me and the awakening of none of that even coming close to the hurt of my wife’s sexual rejection. Now that sent me over the edge.

Ya. Umh. Guess what ? Your experiences make up who you are, but you never have to let them define you.

My stepfather almost killed me three times. I never let that fucker win. Got it ?

Lift. Read. Lift. Read.

Decide what you really want. That becomes your mission. Accept no distractions and live to fulfill that mission, allowing no one to distract you in your mission seeking. That’s frame.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck sakes get some Lexapro, or cocaine.



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