Lurking here for ages, first time poster. 35 yo. Read all of the sidebar, some things twice. Took the pill 3 years ago, unplugged, had a long anger phase, but accepted and became at ease with core red pill philosophy. Working on myself and doing me ever since. But there is one fundamental thing that I can't get under control: I have a seemingly all-encompassing, debilitating extreme fearful reaction to negative emotions of my LTR. As soon as I sense the first sign of anger or irritation in her, my whole body gets in fight/flight mode and all logic, stoicism, lessons learned, books, everything flies straight out of the window. It's also almost always a bit present, I never sleep well, I'm always anxious, nervous, eating my nails & fingers, pacing around the room, etc. Cannot even think straight half of the time because of the high cortisol levels in my blood.
I've had 1,5 years of intense psychotherapy, I've read countless books, the top 500 posts here and on marriedredpill. I get it, at least, I recognise social dynamics, recognise the red pill truths happening around me, but I cannot seem to get a grip on my personal fear. I have an idea of how it came to be: I am somewhat of a medical wonder, I was born 2 months premature, and all my insides were wired wrong. Had to be chirurgically fixed a couple of times in the first couple of months of my life, first air outside of a hospital was when I was 6 months old. Was off and on extremely ill for the first 10 years of my life. Mother couldn't handle it and blamed me everytime. Father died when I was 6. Ever since I felt like I had to be there for my mother, otherwise I would not get love and would probably die.
If I look back it was already killing me when I was 8 years old. An ugly fat girl from my school decided I was to be her boyfriend. We "dated" for 2 years. I hated her. This sums up my life.
Is there anyone with a similar life path or experience that has come from that far and was able to eradicate the fear and anxiety entirely? How did you do it? Any specific books or methods you recommend? Specialised therapy? What worked?