How to figure out who I want to be?

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June 4, 2019

So background story. I'm 21 have about a year left in college and I have no idea who I want to be. I haven't had much contact with gays out here since I'm stuck in the middle of rural Missouri and I am still a virgin. I came out when I was 18 but once again due to my super small town the pickings are slim. But this may be for the best. I am really confused as to what kind of gay I want to be. When I talk to people they immediately pick up that I'm clearly gay no matter how hard I try to mask it. This makes me feel really bad for some reason and I feel that I should take steps to correct it even though I have had no success in the years leading to this point. I clearly suffer from an EXTREME gay lisp. But on the other hand I just want to be myself and not worry about things like that because it makes it really exhausting to just exist in my day to day life. Yet I also want to be a little more masculine and take up boxing or judo since these are activities I've had an interest in as of late. But I know I'll be out of place and probably laughed out of any gym due to my extremely gay mannerisms. There seems to be this intense war of masculinity vs femininity within myself. It may seem really ridiculous that I am worrying about these things but I feel inadequate and I dont know if I want to just give in and buy a crop top or if I want to invest in army boots. Thanks for taking the time to read all of that btw.

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Title How to figure out who I want to be?
Author jrockthejoker13
Upvotes 6
Comments 1
Date 04 June 2019 01:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit altTRP
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[–]dusara2170 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know this is an old post, but seeing as how you didn't get much traction with it, I'd like to pitch in my two cents. First of all, if you come off as blatantly gay, just own it. You will get far more respect if you accept that that is how you are than if you try to pretend to have a different kind of personality. Second of all, all of us have a dual nature - we are all both masculine and feminine. What I mean by that is that we all have aspects of our personality that are classically aligned to the sex that we aren't but so many of us think this is wrong for some reason. I love Karate and Judo and BJJ and MMA. My favorite things in the world are some of the most masculine sports in existence. I am also a hopeless romantic that occasionally indulges in the girliest music around. Those two sides of me don't need to go to war - they simply are a part of me that I accept.

Last thing I'll say - I don't know about boxing gyms, but Judo is one of the most inclusive and Progressive combat sports around. There were female Judoka back when they still believed that a women's uterus would fall out of her if she tried to run a marathon. In my experience, Judo (and BJJ) players in general tend to be a lot more accepting of weirdness than you might expect. However, if you're interested in combat sports, shop around. Drop by a local Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu gym, a Judo dojo, and a boxing gym. Find a safe environment to train in because I promise you they do exist. Hell, one of the guys in my Judo club is a flamboyantly gay dude that has boxed for years and has Muay Thai experience.

Good luck!

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