So background story. I'm 21 have about a year left in college and I have no idea who I want to be. I haven't had much contact with gays out here since I'm stuck in the middle of rural Missouri and I am still a virgin. I came out when I was 18 but once again due to my super small town the pickings are slim. But this may be for the best. I am really confused as to what kind of gay I want to be. When I talk to people they immediately pick up that I'm clearly gay no matter how hard I try to mask it. This makes me feel really bad for some reason and I feel that I should take steps to correct it even though I have had no success in the years leading to this point. I clearly suffer from an EXTREME gay lisp. But on the other hand I just want to be myself and not worry about things like that because it makes it really exhausting to just exist in my day to day life. Yet I also want to be a little more masculine and take up boxing or judo since these are activities I've had an interest in as of late. But I know I'll be out of place and probably laughed out of any gym due to my extremely gay mannerisms. There seems to be this intense war of masculinity vs femininity within myself. It may seem really ridiculous that I am worrying about these things but I feel inadequate and I dont know if I want to just give in and buy a crop top or if I want to invest in army boots. Thanks for taking the time to read all of that btw.