How do you handle it when she starts feeling you're not emotional enough or (insert any shaming tactic that tries to convince you you're wrong for not being a softy)

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June 5, 2019

So an example of when shit hits the fan - let's say there is a crisis in the family - her dad's hospitalized and needs surgery, and there's a ton of other things worrying her as well. You being you, your natural strategy is to put your head down and stay strong through it all, while she goes through pretty much the entire range of the emotional spectrum.

That is until she starts complaining and cribbing that you're not sensitive enough, emotional enough, moved enough, you don't have a heart, not empathetic enough, you're not worried and all - the shaming stuff. Other than just shrugging it off like the oak dealing with a 5 year old who has no idea what she's saying, just how do you deal with this test when you have to put it down?

Many a man I know actually believed they were wrong and needed to emote more, and it backfired. Others get upset because she just plainly ignored the fact that YOU are probably the one who got her dad in time to the hospital in the first place. Both fail.

Now what is a successful response to this?

Post Information
Title How do you handle it when she starts feeling you're not emotional enough or (insert any shaming tactic that tries to convince you you're wrong for not being a softy)
Author SKRedPill
Upvotes 17
Comments 31
Date 05 June 2019 04:27 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (6 children) | Copy

Well, considering this has resulted in my latest failures (here and here), I'll try to sum up what I learned in the past 72 hours:

Credit to /u/man_in_the_world, /u/HornsofApathy, and /u/RPeed for a lot of this

  • It's ok to be express emotions
  • You can't be a robot or have neutral emotions
  • Your wife's emotions are real and you can't diminish that she's feeling them (telling her she's emotional, telling her to cheer up, telling her to stop overreacting)
  • You need to recognize her emotions and show that you understand where she's coming from. "It really sucks that your dad needs surgery, that's a really hard thing".
  • Her emotions are like the ocean. You can't just stand on the shore and look at it and then tell it to stop having waves. You need to actually get in the water and ride the waves without getting sucked under
  • Think about it as a 5 year old, but not just in throwing a tantrum. She needs your comfort, support, and leadership too. You wouldn't laugh at a 5 year old for getting upset, but you're not going to break down with her. You'd talk to her, emphasize with her, pick her up and give her a hug, whatever to show you're there
  • You can't fix HER emotions but when women want an emotional connection it means she wants to be felt 'heard' emotionally
  • Her emotions are much deeper and intense than yours. She's a woman, she's literally driven BY HER EMOTIONS, not by logic, not by rational discussion. Your job is to offer positive emotions; if she doesn't come join in, you don't get butt hurt by it

Many a man I know actually believed they were wrong and needed to emote more, and it backfired.

This goes into the first post and the reason WHY they are emoting. Is it for neediness, sympathy, or validation? Or is it because they feel these things but will keep doing whatever they need to regardless?

From the first post "A Man expresses emotion with Outcome Independence (OI), and never for validation, sympathy, or forgiveness."

Others get upset because she just plainly ignored the fact that YOU are probably the one who got her dad in time to the hospital in the first place.

This is just a covert contract wanting validation from doing something.

You don't want to do either of these things... you want to show masculine emotion and build that connection with her. If you prevent yourself feeling any emotion, it can destroy you because you're not recognizing a legitimate part of being a human and a man.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you prevent yourself feeling any emotion, it can destroy you because you're not recognizing a legitimate part of being a human and a man.

Excellent point for OP to understand.

OP - you can bottle up your emotions and be a robot all you want, but at some point they are going to come flooding through. You want to avoid flooding. Otherwise, you'll hit a breaking point that will absolutely destroy you as a human being. It nearly did for me as I contemplated some pretty seriously stupid things after I bottled up those emotions for 6 months afraid that if I displayed them, it would be beta.

In fact, holding back masculine emotions for the fear of being "beta"... is beta.

Fucked up dichotomy, eh?

Learn to display and give emotions like a man would.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've been toying with controlled anger lately - feels authentic so I go with it.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I like this /u/LongRoad_518

Because even though it’s complicated, it shows that you’re doing the work and it details the process of how you got from point A to point B

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's hard fucking work and there's a lot of failures and missteps. But it's the most worthwhile undertaking I have ever done. You fail, you learn, you get better.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Only a few have the courage to get that far TBH

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Advanced fogging is some advanced shit that OP will likely not grasp without adequate sidebar prep. You're right to point it out though here.

OP - learn to sympathize with your wife in a masculine way. Be her oak.

[–]tspitsatgp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is some advanced shit and it’s fucking brilliant. Blows my mind every time I read it.

[–]BostonBrakeJob5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well, what do you think? Are you an emotionless robot? Or do you just express emotions differently?

There's a difference between an oak tree and a cement statue.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red[🍰] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Manufacture some drama for her.

Tell her that you don't display your emotions like she does, but that doesn't mean you don't have them, and you're disappointed that she cannot see that because you keep it together on the outside.

It tells her that you have a heart in there, but you have control of it, and tosses some shame back her way that she doesn't recognize her oak has some bend in that thick trunk. Displays a bit of EQ, adds bonding.

Then give her your thick trunk.

[–]rpsheepdog2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is my go-to

[–]red88lobster1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I like this, she'll definitely want some thick trunk after this .

[–]mrpthrowa3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is a subtle difference between, "shrugging it off" with a:

  • "you're crazy you're feeling like this" attitude
  • an oak attitude that portrays "I understand you're going through an emotional roller coaster in rough waters, that's completely normal, but stay with me I'll captain this ship to safety" mindset.

So there is no silver bullet to this. Improve over time. If you have to address it, just say "I understand babe, it can be very tough when blablablabla" and give her a hug. If she persists just go somewhere else and withdraw attention for a bit. Reset afterwards

[–]scarmine343 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I tell her that of course it bothers me, of course i'm stressed and I'm unhappy and I need to rage at the world. But, I tell her that I don't, because my job in this family is to be that oak tree. The sturdy, reliable, steady sheltering force in our family.

She tried "Well, it would be nice if you showed more emotion sometimes" and I went with agree & amplify. "Sure, sure. Maybe tonight we can sit in bed and braid each others hair, too." I did it with a cocky smile and pulled her in and said: "Come, on babe. You know that's not me, and I already explained what my job is. I'm here for you, and one day I'll need you there for me emotionally but not today."

And that was it. That was 3 years ago and once in a while I will mention that I am stressed about this or that and she immediately jumps on it - looking for the opportunity to help because she understands that if I'm saying something, it's because it's a big deal.

edit: other commenters are pointing out that she needs comfort over her dad and stuff like this. This is true - I'm not saying you should be a robot - you need to offer comfort and hold her and let her vent and all of those things, just explain to her why you don't emote like she does.

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'd go for STFU a bear hug and maybe a forehead kiss.

[–]SKRedPill[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like I should just translate her entire talk into "Comfort. Comfort. Blah blah blah. Comfort... "

[–]CrazyLegs780 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with the STFU. When I have crazy/negative coming at me, I STFU and do my thing until she chills out.

[–]useful_stranger2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

No. You don’t “put your head down“ when she’s genuinely going through a tough time. She’s a woman and by definition experiences a wider and more intense set of emotions than you. She’s going to act them out and they could genuinely take a fucking toll on her. And on you if you let it.

As she does that there may be genuine shit testing (“is he a pussy and doesn’t he get that I don’t need his opinions, but just to vent and feeeeel that he’s my oak and strong man?”) and/ or some serious comfort testing if you ignore her when she truly needs some kind of help from her male partner than she can’t do by herself.

The key is to be the strong, loving, caring, masculine man. Not an emotional tampon. But not a robot either. Also make sure any negativity she expresses is not directed at you. Drama toward you should not be tolerated. That’s one nasty shit test to fail and a slippery slope to you becoming a pussy whipped beta.

How you respond to drama in her life (which is inevitably going to happen much like rain and storms that come and go) is a key test for navigating long term relationship success.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Throw her a hug. Quit complicating the fuck out of it

[–]helaughsinhidden0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This. OP, you aren't failing because you aren't falling apart for her viewing pleasure, it's because you aren't providing some form of comfort. That's the point of being an oak, you are strong enough to support other people. An oak that tree that doesn't shade the hot sun or block the wind is just good for lumber.

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"if you don't think i care, you're more than free to fuck off".

i care in my own way. she knew this when signing up. if she's not happy, she can fuck off.

see, you trying to appease her is probably going to fail since you can't read her mind. instead, if she convinces herself to see that you care in your own way, you 1) have less work to do, and 2) are guaranteed to succeed. naturally, you have to actually care.

sometimes you may want to give a hug.

[–]0io-Tsundere1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I picked up a good tip from reading a book about how to talk to toddlers. You want to respond back with about 60% of the emotional intensity she's coming at you with.

The example in the book was, suppose you got fired from your job and you called your best friend. If your best friend says "You and your family are going to starve to death now, Fuck! Its all over for you!" That's not going to help, because your friend is now making you even more freaked out. If the friend is like a robot and says "So what, find another job." That's not so great either. The ideal response comes back a little muted. "Oh, that sucks! No warning? Those bastards. You'll find another job though."

So, if she is crying and in tears and panicking, you want to seem sad, and deeply concerned, but not panicking. You don't start sobbing along with her, but you don't act like nothing happened either. That way she sees you understand what she's feeling, but you're not getting overwhelmed by it like she is.

Good luck.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

her dad's hospitalized and needs surgery, and there's a ton of other things worrying her as well

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

One is a major, traumatic life event involving her father and possible life/death.

The other is likely you just not owning your shit because you are a 20% BF or higher faggot with a 4" long dick (fully erect) who couldn't make her come if he put a mask of Brad Pitt on over his own face while he attempted to fuck her with his pencil dick.

So, which scenario do you really want us to address with your faggot ass post?

[–]red88lobster0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

! Brutalising ! I can feel the Buuuurn from here . Hahaha

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I understand you are upset and dealing with a lot. I'm here for you an care. It's unfortunate that you are unhappy with how i respond, but I am who I am. Lets go get some pizza

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I tell her she should have married a faggot or a soyboy then.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Say something like:


Then let her vent and complain.

Complaining to women is like Oxygen. If you try to shut her down the poor dear might suffocate.

If you try to change yourself the little darling loses sexual interest. What fun is it for a cat to torture a mouse when the terrified rodent stops struggling?

If you don't give a fuck and remain the rock her mood will shift back in a few hours or days.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Now what is a successful response to this?

Not feeling a need to respond. Fog, negative assertion, redirect, AM/joke, label her feelings, ignore. Doesn't matter - you are your own judge.

YOU are probably the one who got her dad in time to the hospital in the first place.

Atta boy, you're not completely useless, and maybe faster than an Uber.

[–]ManguZa-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I understand that all this situation upset you, but you need to stop that agressive attitude with me."

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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